


Texoma Dreams

by Dreamer_88



Category: Shefani, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: Angst and Romance, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-01-24 03:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 101,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18562672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamer_88/pseuds/Dreamer_88
Summary: I am a refugee you try to love.But the love that he killed,Keeps coming back and haunting meAm I wasting all of your time?And all my cute days on regrets?Is it healthy that we met?





	1. Chapter 1

She could sit here and watch the sunset for days. The yellow ball of fire changed into hues of orange, and then almost tangerine. The purple and pink haze that covers the sky above her gives it an almost magical glow. It’s enough to momentarily make her forget about all the pain she’s suffered, all the hurt she feels. It’s what she told her kids when they pointed at the beginning stages of dusk; to never doubt God’s ability to paint the prettiest of pictures. In return, she tries not think about how all these beautiful colours will be hidden within the black despair of night, preparing her for the hardships of tomorrow.

Hearing her children’s laughter coming from inside the house as she takes a few moments after dinner to recharge herself, she feels her body almost becoming one with the patio outside. The gentle weather of the day has made way for a bit more force, the breeze against her white flowery blouse giving her chills underneath. Some stray hairs from her bun come undone, caressing her face softly and blowing messily above her head.

She’s glad to hear the joy coming from her kids; knowing she’s still able to provide them with good memories while their lives are drastically changing, the only thing that pulls her through. She’s always heard the stories about children adjusting pretty well to changes and though she never expected to have to find out in such a way, they certainly seem to fare better than she is.

The stretch of field in front of her manages to bring her a sense of serenity, smiling softly as she lets the gorgeous view tangle with her dark thoughts, easing them out slowly but surely—even if it’s just for a few sacred minutes.

Everyone had told her she was crazy when she uttered the idea of renting a place for the summer, away from Los Angeles and everyone who reminded her of what was going on in her life. They looked at her as if she grew two heads when she told them about a lake house she’d found online, at the border of Oklahoma and Texas. She’d put on a brave face and pretended like she didn’t crave for some more support on her decision, but seeing the smiles on her kid’s faces as she told them about the new place made up for it. She knew it wouldn’t be hard to convince them to have a long vacation at a huge lake house, where they’d be able to be wild and outdoors from sun up to sun down. With their dad off doing God’s knows what, it wasn’t too much of a hassle to convince him either.

The shore where her temporarily house is located on gives her with plenty of space and isolation, aside from her neighbour with an equally spacious place of his own. Though not knowing the first thing about her neighbour, she’s guessing by the eye of detail and more excessive additions to the house to her right, that it isn’t a rental like the one she’ll be living in for the next three months.

She planned on introducing herself this afternoon after she arrived here, but the travel plus unexpected emotional baggage that leaving LA brought her, made her reconsider. She’ll make sure to do it the first thing in the morning. Getting her kids to finally stay inside after dinner was hard enough without dragging them outside again.

Walking back in the house, she finds her kids on top of each other, her oldest shouting in frustration when her middle child accidently kicks him against the chin.

Lord have mercy.

“Okay, okay…” She says sternly, pulling Kingston by his arm as she drags him away from her other two rascals. Realizing it’s still a bit too early for the older two to go to bed, she compromises with them the best she can come up with. “Time to calm down. How about you two pick out a movie while I put Apollo to bed?”

“Zuma just kicked me.” Kingston replies instead, apparently not so easily distracted.

Gwen shoots a glance over to her middle child who’s looking a bit apologetically, helping Apollo up off the ground. “I didn’t do it on purpose, mom!”

Sighing desperately, she ranks a hand through her hair. Her kids have always been highly energetic, but since the divorce they’ve definitely been more defiant, more on edge.

“How many times do I have to tell you guys to be more careful when you’re playing around like that?” She cocks her head a little as she lets the rhetorical question linger in the air for a while. “You could’ve really hurt your brother, Zum, you need to be careful.”

Zuma nods. “I’m sorry.”

She looks over to Kingston standing to her right, making sure he gets the same message, which she guesses he does by the way his gaze lowers towards the ground.

“Can I trust you two with picking out a movie without fighting each other?”

The twinkle in both their eyes comes back at the mention of the movie, both starting to heavily discuss potential options and she shakes her head at the chaos of it all. Deciding to leave this one to them, she scoops up her youngest as she bounces him on her hip.

“Ready for bed, baby?” She coos at him sweetly, not at all surprised to hear a grumpy _no_ from the toddler’s mouth, nothing going exactly easy lately.

After nearly forty-five minutes—getting Apollo ready for bed, actually getting him _in_ bed and getting stuck at his bedside for over twenty minutes as she reads him two stories instead of one—she finally finds herself downstairs. She’s surprised to see Kingston and Zuma already hurdled up onto the couch, a blanket covering them both and the opening credits of the movie already playing. She smiles gratefully before sitting down next to them, both legs crossed underneath her.

Sitting here with them watching a movie makes it feel like everything is normal for a while. Gavin usually wasn’t home much anyways, this whole routine of her spending time with them after dinner the most familiar one—the most cherished one.

She loves being busy with her career, she loves all the different things she’s been able to dabble in, but when it comes down to it, _this_ is what she feels like she was put on this earth to do. Be a mom. Spend time with her babies.

That’s why this time in her life is extra painful, extra hard mentally. She’s always prided herself for being a good mom; every bad decision she made could be justified because she ended up with these three miracles in her life and they were happy. She never intended for them to end up with a broken family, dragged between two addresses. When Kingston came home from school one day, upset and annoyed at rumours he’d heard about his parent’s divorce, she realized she needed to get them out of LA just as much as she needed a break from there. It hurts to know she can’t protect them from the shit storm that is the media, or the prickly judgements from their classmates, no matter how much she tries to shield them. It makes her hate her ex-husband even more; disregarding her feelings is one thing, but the carelessness in which he’d exposed the kids to such tragedy was something she just couldn’t wrap her head around.

Lost in thought, she’s a bit shocked when the movie comes to an end and her kids are getting restless again. It takes her a while to get them both into bed, and she didn’t expect anything else. She’s in much need of a glass of wine when she finally gets them all under the covers, her body lowering into one of the kitchen chairs as she cradles a glass of expensive red between her slim fingers. The view out of the large kitchen windows allows her to see the clear night’s sky, free from any city lights and only illuminated by the clear stars.

She’s distracted by the sound of a truck pulling up next doors, followed by the sound of multiple people laughing and chuckling. Intrigued, she gets up from where she’s sitting and walks up towards the patio door, trying her best to see if she can catch a glimpse of the action going on next door. The lack of lighting makes it hard to make out any faces, but she can hear his voice clearly.

His low voice and thick accent stand out to her first. He definitely sounds like he could be from here, confirming her previous thoughts about her neighbour not having rented his place. She can’t keep her mind from wondering what kind of person could afford to permanently have a place like this, the answers to her own question making for a short list. The second thing that stands out about his voice is the way he seems to try and quiet down his friends, his warm and friendly tone surprisingly stern when he wants to be. When she hears him say something about disturbing the new neighbours, she’s slightly taken aback.

Feeling bad about not having introduced herself yet suddenly intensifies.

The noise from outside disappears suddenly and she realizes they must’ve gone inside. She swallows down the overwhelming sadness that comes with the realization of being alone; the silence that comes from her kids finally being asleep suddenly works as the worst kind of emphasis on what she’s known all along—she’s on her own.

The wine in her glass becomes entirely less tempting as the fatigue takes over, shaking her head at herself when she pours the remaining contents of her glass down the drain. She heads upstairs soon after. She just needs to sleep, hide away underneath the covers and hope for a better day tomorrow.

She cries only a few times, ignoring the wet spot on her pillow as she finally succumbs to slumber.

 

*

The sun is so intense it stops her dead in her tracks. Her kids are running wildly along the long acres of space, the waterfront view making it hard to focus on the way they’re yelling and completely disturbing the peace. It feels like only yesterday she took her oldest on vacation with Gavin after his first birthday, the sun just as bright and her future a lot clearer. Knowing how that chapter of her life turned out now, turns these memories undeniably more sour.

The soft hum of her neighbour’s truck brings her back from going down memory lane, remembering what she set out to do in the first place.

She turns around to look at herself in the large, glass patio doors. She catches her reflection and chuckles at her own vanity.

Ignoring that nagging voice in the back of her head, she skims a hand over the front of her white lace blouse, her skin-tight jeans wrapped up to above her ankles. Her divorce left her with a bunch of insecurities she hadn’t felt before, and though she’ll be the first to admit she’s fallen victim to her own vanity before, the words of her ex-husband ring obnoxiously loud in her ears these days. 

Turning back to face her children, she ushers them over with a simple hand gesture. She’s met with minimal resistance, the eye roll of her oldest something she’s choosing to ignore.

“Mom, I thought you said we could check out the dock today.” Kingston says, obviously annoyed by being called back. “I saw a huge boat come by this morning.”

“You can, And we _will_.” Gwen responds calmly. “Let’s just say hi to the person next door, you know what we talked about right…?” She lets the words linger, waiting for her kids to pick up what she’s throwing down, chuckling when they stay silent. “…. about being polite?”

They nod in silent recognition.

Walking off her real estate takes more time than she’s used to, this place truly enormous. Growing up in Los Angeles meant she’d seen some pretty landscapes during her time, but the spacious nature and wide stretches of land is something she’s completely unfamiliar with. Waking up to the view of a clear blue lake is something she never thought she’d be calling her home for a few months either. It surely decreases her doubts about coming out here in the first place.

Standing on her neighbour’s owned acres suddenly makes her feel a bit nervous. She’s so used to living in her gated community it almost feels like she’s doing something wrong when she’s so easily stepping on someone else’s ground. Luckily, her three boys seem to have zero problems with that, their eyes nearly popping out of their sockets at what they’re seeing.

She must admit; she’s quite impressed herself. Though their houses are equally spacious, the Hawaiian constructed property looks like it jumped straight out of a magazine, the large balcony overlooking the pool and what she must envision, the lake. It’s nothing short of breath taking. The large truck pulled up on the side is equally as intimidating.

“You know trespassing is a crime even when you’re in the middle of nowhere, right?”

She nearly jumps out of her skin, earning a chuckle from Zuma who’s standing next to her. Bringing a hand to her heart, she turns around to find her neighbour smiling down at her.

His tall frame towers over her a bit and she’s caught off guard by his clear blue eyes, giving the nearby lake an honest run for its money. If the smirk on his face is any indication, he’s aware she’s staring and she awkwardly turns her head away to her three boys.

“Sorry, we didn’t mean to.” She swallows roughly, unsure of why her throat feels so dry all the sudden. “We’re the new neighbours, we rented the house next door for the summer.”

She doesn’t notice the car keys in his hand until he lets it drop in his chest pocket, the weight of it momentarily exposing a bit more of his naked chest underneath his button-up.

“I saw you guys driving up here yesterday; figured you weren’t from here.” His face remains neutral, though there’s a glimmer of pride in his eyes, probably at having guessed right. “How ya like it out here?”

She looks up at him, his brow quirked as he awaits her response.

“It’s much calmer. Different.” She adds. “It’s beautiful.”

“Plus we can swim in the lake here!” Kingston adds excitedly. “Not just in the pool.”

Blake’s attention seems to shift from her to her little boy, a small smile forming on his lips. “You’re damn right, buddy. What’s your name?”

Gwen listens as all her kids list off their names to their new neighbour, a weird feeling spreading through her chest as he’s much softer with them than he is with her; an unsettling sensation creeping up on her as she realizes she can’t read this guy at all.

“You have palm trees in your backyard.” Zuma observes innocently.

Blake smirks. “Yeah, it’s Hawaiian themed.”

“Looks like it does back home a little bit.”

Suddenly Blake’s attention is back on Gwen, a knowing look on his features. “LA?”

It’s a totally safe question, but suddenly everything feels off; her life that’s causing her to run to this place, the way Blake’s tone changed a bit as he asked her for confirmation about where she’s from, her kids warming up to a guy they don’t know way too fast for her liking.

She clears her throat, straightening her back before looking at him.

“Born and raised.”

He raises his brow. “So what brings you all the way out here?”

“Our dad… “

“ _King_!” Gwen scolds him quickly, her heartbeat quickening as she stands there a bit defeated. She’s thankful for her youngest to remain a bit shy, holding onto her leg for dear life as it gives her the opportunity to hold on to him in return.

“We just needed a little break.” Gwen says softly, feeling a little guilty at the way she just reprimanded Kingston. “Nothing better than spending some months at a place that looks like this”

Blake hums. “Can’t disagree with you on that one.”

“Do you swim in the lake sometimes, Blake?” Zuma asks softly.

Again, something about Blake’s tone and facial expression changes whenever he talks to one of her kids, making it hard for her to contain the eye-roll she so desperately wants to let out.

“Sometimes.” Blake replies friendly. “I mostly take the boat out to just float on there for a couple of hours.”

“You own a boat?” Kingston asks excitedly, his eyes lighting up.

“Sure do, buddy. If your mom isn’t too against it, maybe you and your brothers can come check it out one day, how about that?”

“Mom, you gotta let us see his boat soon.” Kingston and Zuma both chime in, Blake’s slightly apologetic glance quickly turning in one of amusement.

She crosses her arms across her chest, cursing herself silently when her eyes dart up to the exposed skin on his chest.

“We’ll see about that.” She settles on eventually, tearing her gaze away from his chest and up to his face. “I just want us to settle in first.”

“Sure.” He says with a shrug, gesturing around the fancy property that belongs to him. “I was actually in the middle of doing some work, so if you don’t mind….”

A few silent seconds’ pass before her eyes widen in recognition.

“Oh of course, Zum, King, let’s leave Blake to it.”

She bends down to scoop up Apollo in her arms, his clinging had gotten worse and she feels him only starting to relax when he’s hunched up her hip. She ignores the disappointing stares of her other two kids, daring to shoot Blake one last glance.

“It was nice to meet you.”

She forces the words out in a friendly manner, even when there’s a ball of tension sitting painfully in her throat.

She knows it’s partially her own baggage showing its ugly face, unable to trust or feel comfortable around any man. He could’ve been the most welcoming, sweetest, nurturing person to her just now and she still would’ve dismissed it.

Yet, he wasn’t any of those things.

Not to her.

She shouldn’t want it so bad either. She knows nothing about this man, other than his obvious love for this piece of land and his Southern roots. She knows her kids are taking a liking to him, and from what it seems—that part seems to be mutual; his interest had been real with them, thank God.

She shouldn’t be feeling disappointed in his lack of interest in _her_.

But she is.

“Nice to meet you too.”

“We’ll come check out your boat sometime, Blake!” Zuma speaks confidently, his little arm reaching out to pet Blake’s arm.

The smile that takes up the Southerner’s face is nothing short of enticing, the way his eyes light up and his dimples pop….

“Looking forward to it, bud.”

She gives both her children a little push towards the fence, wanting to leave his property badly now. She thinks back to when he just spotted them, how he called her out for trespassing and how she was slightly intimidated, yet embarrassingly turned on by his confidence.

Her mind feels like a jumbled mess, none of her thoughts making any sense to her as she forces them all back to their rental next-doors.

As she lets her kids run wild on her _own_ property, she allows herself the pleasure of a nice glass of white wine, trying not to think too much about why Blake’s invitation to his boat didn’t extend to her.

  
*

It’s becoming tradition, she thinks; sitting out here after the kids have gone to bed, thinking and rethinking all the decisions she made in her life, that led her here.

The sun had long dipped behind the horizon, and though she loves watching the bombardment of colours that fling over the sky during sunset, she appreciates the darker, more cool moments too. She loves sitting out here underneath the stars, watching how the lake looks like it’s covered by diamonds, each one of them brighter than the real thing.

Her eyes fall on the notebook she’d brought with her to the patio, her eyes stinging as she realizes how dried up she feels, how insecure the last few years of her life had made her, and how any songs she sometimes comes up with ends in utter disappointment. With unsure fingers she pushes the notebook open, letting it lay on her lap as the gentle breeze moves the pages up a little. There are a few words already written on there, some lousy drafts she’d come up with last night, during one of her many sleepless nights. She lets her finger slide across some of the words, the cream colour of the pages looking pretty against the dark black ink of her pen. It’s funny how even when she’s out of inspiration, the feel of the words on paper is still magical. The texture of the ink pressed into it somehow bringing alive her rhymes, even when they suck.

She nearly drops the notebook altogether when she hears Blake pull up next-door, the engine of his large truck loud as it startles her out of thought. She’s deprived of the luxury of a view from where she’s sitting, causing her to slowly walk down the steps, her legs carrying her all the way down to the fence that marks the beginning of her lake house.

Her view is pretty clear from here, Blake’s tall frame jumping out of the car with ease. There’s a voice in the back of her head trying to warn her about watching him like a creep, but she pushes it down like she’s been doing with most warning signs over the years. Blake reaches for something in the backseat until he reveals two large grocery bags and she makes a mental note to ask him about the nearest store here next time they’re faced with each other.

There’s a hitch in her breath when he unexpectedly looks behind him, his gaze landing on her prominently. She thinks for a moment about dismissing it, brushing it off like nothing happened and disappear into the safety of her house, but she feels like it’s too late for that now.

Maybe it’s the lack of social contact she’s been experiencing in the last few months, or maybe she’s just absolutely losing her fucking mind, but she’s pushing open the gates to her own place, making sure not to wander too far with her kids sleeping inside.

“Blake, hey.” She calls for him softly, but loud enough for him to hear.

Going off his facial expressions, she contemplates that there’s quite a big chance he won’t walk her way, letting her stand there like a fool and she’s close to making peace with that. She’s genuinely surprised when she sees him lowering the bags back onto the backseat, taking his time with walking over to her, yet showing no hesitation either.

“You always stand outside lurking like that at this time of night.”

She shuffles from foot to foot, suddenly a bit anxious at his arrival.

“You always use smart remarks to open dialogue?”

He chuckles lowly, his hand fumbling with his shirt a little. “Only when I feel like the situation calls for it.”

She realizes he’s traded in his black button-up from earlier today for a dark blue one, the pearl like buttons remaining open at the top of his chest.

She wonders if he ever closes those damn things.

“I just wanted to ask you…” She clears her throat again, looking down at her shoes before looking up at his eyes. “…. I saw you were carrying grocery bags just now, I just wanted to know where the nearest store is. We’re kinda running low on things.”

She ignores his playful smirk, hating how he sees right through her.

“Not that far.” He answers after a while, the remnants of his smirk still visible on his lips. “You just drive down this road for about twenty minutes and it’ll be impossible to miss.”

She’s about to thank him for his answer, when he beats her to it.

“This must be quite the culture clash for y’all out here, ain’t it?”

She spots the same hint of judgement in his voice that she did before, feeling finally confident enough to call him out on it.

“We’re capable of adjusting, it’s actually not that hard.”

She feels her heart skip a beat when he lands a soft but firm hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, relax, I wasn’t attacking you.”

His hand disappears from her shoulder as fast as it got there, that damn smile back on his lips. When her thoughts start filling up with the memory of how his hand felt and how it might feel on her bare skin, caressing her, _touching_ her, she knows the universe is playing a cruel trick on her.

“It kinda felt like it.” She retorts weakly, trying to get her bearings back. “Also, I would appreciate it if you’d talk to me first before you ask my kids to hang out with you. It puts me in quite a shitty position when you don’t.”

She hadn’t meant to go there, but his touch just now seemed to have unlocked more than just a few inappropriate thoughts.

It’s for the first time that she sees his confident demeanour crack a bit, his hand coming up to run over his face. “I’m sorry, I realized I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s just, if it for some reason doesn’t happen now, that will make _me_ the bad guy.” She lets her voice lose some of the venom it did before, but still holds her ground. “We hardly know you.”

“I get it.” Blake says firmly, holding her gaze. “I didn’t mean to undermine you in any way.”

She nods at his words, feeling incredibly affected by his eyes boring straight into hers.

“I just remember what I was like at that age, and I figured all they’d wanna do is ravage this place and spend time on the water. I didn’t think about….” He trails off a bit lost. “…. The rest.”

It’s almost ridiculous how the sparkle in his eyes is able to slice through the darkness like it’s nothing, the softness in which he’d just addressed her showing her a whole other side of his being—a side she’s terrifyingly drawn to.

“You live alone?”

She shocks herself by asking the question, feeling bad immediately when she witnesses Blake’s silent reaction.

Though he doesn’t verbalize his discomfort, she’s met with a stare she recognizes from seeing it in the mirror every day; utter heartbreak and a defeated kind of pain painted through his features.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…. I just thought since you brought up kids—I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He trails off with an aimless gesture. “I live alone, yeah. I have some company over now and then, but for the most part it’s just me and Betty.”

“Betty?”

“My dog.” He smiles, the first one to reach his eyes.

She can’t explain the short but intense wave of relief that courses through her at his words, wishing she could have one night where her heart and mind weren’t determined about being at odds.

“Ah, I see.” She says sweetly. “I didn’t notice you had a dog.”

“And that’s certainly weird considering your spying nature.”

She didn’t even realize her gaze had lowered to the ground until she snaps it back to his face, his words catching her off guard. She swallows loudly at the subtle jab, the speed in which he goes from sweet to slightly snappy is absolutely jarring.

The sound of birds chirping around them and the sounds of nature penetrating her ears is nothing short of peaceful, and it’s almost ridiculous how hard that feeling is to obtain for Gwen.

“You don’t like small talk, do you?” She murmurs, her hand nervously toying with some strands of her hair.

He shrugs. “I don’t really consider you asking me about my living situation small talk.”

“So you _do_ like small talk?” She presses.

“No, I think it’s useless.”

She laughs loudly, actually snorts, and it feels so good to do that again.

“And about the dog…” Blake speaks up again, a certain sparkle in his eyes. “She’s at my sister’s right now—it’s a long story, but she’ll be back here tomorrow.”

Gwen doesn’t dare to push for more information, understanding perfectly that he’s already granting her with more than she’s necessarily deserving of.

“That’s good news, right?”

Blake chuckles lowly, and she’s quickly finding out she’s becoming a fan of that sound.

“You damn right it is. Helps with the lonely too, y’know?”

He looks at her a bit sheepishly, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck. “Shit, I... —“

“You didn’t mean to share that with me, I get it. It’s fine.” She looks at him sweetly, the curse of oversharing something she shares with him. “I’ll forget you said it.”

He chuckles again, this time more aloud. “I somehow find that hard to believe.”

She cocks her head, biting her lip hard.

“I wasn’t actually stalking, you know? I was just…. trying to make conversation.”

“That’s the vibe I was getting too.” He smirks, his playful demeanour getting on her nerves all the sudden.

“Is this part of the Southern charm that I’m just not familiar with or are you _actually_ incapable of having a serous conversation?”

Eyes lingering on her, he shakes his head.

“Are you sure this is about my incapability?” The seriousness in which he asked only serves to infuriate her more. “Cause from where I’m standing, it looks more like you can’t handle someone calling you out.”

“I barely know you, Blake.” She emphasises quickly, her voice determined. “I really don’t think it’s your place to call me out on anything.”

“Then why am I standing here, Gwen?” He cocks his head to the side, daring her. “I get that things might be a little different for you back home, but…”

“What does that even mean?”

“A hotshot from LA, right? You’re used to snapping your fingers and having whoever you want show up, but that’s not what’s going on here.”

Though the words don’t come as a huge surprise—his preconceived notions about where she’s from having been somewhat obvious to her—the words still feel like a physical blow.

“Wow.” She breathes, letting a sarcastic smile settle on her lips. “At least you’re not trying to hide your judgements, I guess.”

“ _Gwen_ …” He breathes, sounding less amused all the sudden. “Like you said, we barely know each other and the last thing I want to do is fight with my new neighbour, so let’s just forget about this, okay?”

She wonders if she’s being as transparent as she thinks she is, like the whole war that’s being fought inside her is on display right there in her eyes, all for him to see. He shouldn’t be able to get under her skin like this, she shouldn’t be swallowing down hurtful adjectives to throw his way, nor is she supposed to be thinking about how she could use her lips to affect him in some other ways.

“Sure, I have to go back inside.” She rushes out, realizing only faintly that she hasn’t said nearly enough words to be this out of breath yet.

“Of course.” Blake waves his hand between them aimlessly, stepping away from her slowly. “I’ll see you around.”

She swallows roughly, unsure if that promise is something to dread or crave.

“Yeah, good night.”

She turns around only to realize she hadn’t actually left her property and the whole conversation he was standing on _her_ ground. It makes her feel unexplainably more justified whilst also making her feel like she was doing something wrong—like she shouldn’t have called him over here.

It’s not hard to figure out Blake’s dealing with demons of his own, baggage that looks familiar from the outside, but in reality, she has no idea about. If their interaction is any indication, it’s quite clear that they’re both too broken to make sense. They’re too different to even get along.

And yet, this is only night two and she’s already going to bed with nothing but a certain Southerner on her mind.


	2. Chapter 2

She curses out loud, throwing her head back against the pillow.

Being a mom to three young boys had definitely strengthened her immune system, and she can’t even remember the last time she was truly sick. It was a good thing too, because she usually was the sole caretaker of her kids—her ex-husband’s biggest talent having always been staying away. She doesn’t even know where he was most nights, and she knows there isn’t any excuse in the world that would cover all the times he’d been away. Luckily, she genuinely enjoys being a mom, taking care of her boys the one thing in life that gives her permanent joy.

Today is a different story though. She woke up with her head pounding, her eyes feeling like they were glued shut and her skin riddled with sweat and goosebumps. She’d been reluctant about taking her temperature, knowing damn well she’d come up with a high fever. It’s just that she’s promised Kingston and Zuma she’d take them to the dock this time, and Zuma especially had developed a knack for gardening and she’d promised to show him a few tricks. She squints her eyes closed harshly at the prospect of telling her boys off today, not feeling up to doing any of those things.

Her body hurts so badly, she’s not even sure how she’s going to gather the strength to go downstairs and make them breakfast. There’s a pang of guilt that hits her when she hears her two oldest boys up and about and she’s still lying in bed, not moving an inch.

It’s not until Apollo starts crying and she hears Kingston yell an annoyed version of ‘mom’, that she plants both elbows on the matrass and pushes herself up into a semi-sitting position. Her vision is blurry and her joints immediately cry out, but she bites her tongue from verbally making a noise.

“I’ll be right there, King—help your brother set the table, please.”

Her voice gives out at the end of the sentence and she takes a deep breath in. The frustration over not even being here for a week yet and already falling ill overwhelms her, the added pressure she put on herself after the divorce, about being a good mom, works against her in the cruellest of ways. There’s no way she’s able to give them 100% and everything inside her screams how wrong that is—how wrong _she_ is.

She makes her way downstairs five minutes later, her hand grabbing the stair railings tightly. She catches a quick glimpse of herself in the mirror in the hallway and sighs loudly. Her skin is pale as can be and she looks like she hasn’t slept in days. When the sound of her children yelling in the kitchen reaches her ears, it takes everything in her not to scream.

“Guys, where’s Apollo?” She asks slowly, deciding to ignore the pending argument that’s brewing between Kingston and Zuma and instead focusing on the absence of her youngest.

“He’s watching TV. I put on some cartoons for him.” Kingston shoots back, still gazing at Zuma in anger.

She knows she should probably intervene here, make sure her boys behave and discipline them when they don’t, but she can’t muster the energy for any of it. It’s with a power she didn’t know she had, that she manages at getting Apollo away from the TV and into his high chair, and gets breakfast on all their plates before the clock strikes nine thirty. Being out in nature all day takes away the hassle of finding them proper clothing, and she actually loves how casual it all is here; you just throw on some old clothes, wear sneakers that are basically worn out and don’t have to worry too much about attires coming back with slight damage to them. High on adrenaline of just trying to be the best she can be, she almost forgot about her still increasing fever. She’s not reminded of it either until Kingston and Zuma remind her of the promise she made yesterday.

“How about you guys play outside for just a little bit and I will come get you when I feel a little bit better?” She asks sweetly, knowing full well she’s disappointing them greatly. “I promise we’ll go to the water today.”

Aside from a few groans here and there, her kids seem to accept what she’s offering. They’re off doing God knows what, and she smiles momentarily as she watches them run wildly along their property. It’s a good feeling to know she can let them play freely here, as they have plenty of space without ever needing to go beyond the gates of this place.

Fighting the urge to go back to bed, knowing she needs to keep an eye out, she settles for the couch in the living room. She has a perfect view of the backyard this way, but the sliding doors are enough to keep the worst sound out. She loves her kids, but damn they’re loud.

Her ex-husband used to tell her that they were much like her in that way; their energy never running out and their stubbornness preventing them from listening most times. When things got really bad between them, he’d throw back in her face how she’s—just like her kids—often loud for no reason. She squeezes her eyes shut forcibly, feeling her eyes tearing up as she brings up these memories that tear her up from the inside.

She’s actually a very passive person, if anything, she’ll avoid confrontation at all costs. She’s not proud to say that she did sometimes get loud with her ex-husband though; the build-up she let happen doing no one any good. He would never answer her questions, never tell her where he’d been or what he’d been up to and he always made it clear that hearing her out wasn’t on his priority list. Her voice raising had been a stable consequence of his never-ending vagueness.

Somewhere along her drive down memory lane she must’ve drifted off, because when she comes to again it’s way past noon already and she feels her eye-lids heavy, like they only get after she’s been yanked out of deep sleep. It takes her a while to realize _why_ exactly she’s been roused back out of slumber, and the reason damn near hits her in the face when she looks back out into the backyard.

Her kids have finally seemed to calm down some, all of them surrounding a tall figure she could already recognize from anywhere. Her heartbeat speeds up, her hands suddenly clammy. She forces herself up into a sitting position, her head still pounding. It takes her five minutes longer than it normally would’ve to get to the sliding doors, leaning against the doorframe as she calls out for her boys.

“Hey, what’s going on here?”

Her voice sounds brittle to her own ears, the sound making her wince a little. It’s not until both her kids and Blake look over at her still standing at the top of her patio that she realizes she’s literally standing there in her robe and bed hair, probably looking like a ghost.

She pushes away her internal panic over it, scolding her vanity once again. She swallows roughly, forcing a small smile on her lips.

“What are you doing here?”

The question is obviously aimed at Blake, the tall handsome man standing on her property, definitely something strange. Especially after their last meeting.

“Your kids caught me coming home.” Blake smiles, extending his arm until it’s slung over Kingston’s shoulder—and when in the world did they become so cordial? “They asked me for help with their property ideas. You definitely have a creative bunch here.”

She can’t help but smile at his compliment about the boys, deciding to tread down these small steps carefully and join them all. Her balance isn’t what it usually is either, and it hits her how she hasn’t felt this bad in years.

“Why didn’t you guys come to me, babies? You shouldn’t have bothered Blake…”

Her kids don’t waste any time responding, her pounding headache increasing when they all start talking at the same time.

“You were sleeping, mom.” She hears Zuma say clearly, his face a mixture between worried and mischievous. “We didn’t want to bother you and besides, Blake’s an actual cowboy—he knows way more about all this outdoors stuff.”

She looks at Blake a bit expectantly and he just shrugs, that goofy smile still on his features and she once again finds herself slightly jealous at the realization only her kids get that from him.

“That so, huh?”

He chuckles lowly, extending his other arm to pat Zuma’s shoulder gently. “Something like that. I didn’t think I knew better though, I just thought I’d share my little bit of insight.”

She wants to ask them what they’ve come up with so far, hoping it’s not too unrealistic, but before she can get her next words out, she falls into a coughing fit. She shakes her head as her eyes start to tear as well, suddenly embarrassed about what she must look like to Blake.

His worried voice does significantly little to make her feel better.

“Gwen, are you okay?” He steps a little closer, his eyes looking down at her gently.

She waves her hand, using the other one to wrap the robe even tighter around her shivering body. “I’ll be fine, it’s just a fever. I promised I’d take the boys to the water today, so if you could just stay with them for five more minutes so I can get dressed appropriately….”

She feels bad asking him to basically babysit for a little bit, but he’s here now anyways and he seems to genuinely get along with her three sons.

“Maybe Blake can take us!” Zuma offers suddenly, looking at the tall cowboy, hopeful.

“It’s not a bad idea.” Blake says softly, carefully. “Why don’t you let me take them for a while, you don’t look so good….”

Her eyes widen at his offer, shaking her head immediately.

“Oh no Blake, I can’t let you do that…”

“It’s really no problem.” Blake follows up quickly, looking back at her boys. “I was planning on taking the Pontoon for a spin anyways.”

“We can go on your boat?” Kingston chimes in excitedly, his eyes already pleading with her to let him go.

“If your mom’s okay with it.”

He looks at her gently and she remembers the deal they made earlier, about him not undermining her in front of the kids and though he’s obviously being much more careful and considerate about it, she’s still not completely happy with how easy it was for him to say yes.

“I don’t know….” She stammers, her heart feeling incredibly heavy all the sudden. “Blake probably has things to do as well…”

She looks at him, hoping to get some help from him, but she gets nothing.

“I can’t just drop my kids on you.” She tries again.

Blake turns his attention back to Kingston and Zuma, obviously surprised when her youngest starts acting up for some attention too. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t impressed by how easily they seemed to have warmed up to their neighbour, but there’s something about Blake’s genuine surprise that warms _her_ up to _him_ some more too.

“Maybe another time buddies, but I’ll stay out here with you guys until your mom changes into something else. It’s probably more fun with her anyways.” He winks at her, and she feels herself blush.

God damnit.

The pain in her body is so evident, it’s pretty clear she’s unable to take them anywhere and between Blake’s smile and her kid’s disappointed stares, she feels herself starting to give in.

“Are you sure you’d be okay with taking them for a few hours? You really don’t have to, I don’t want you to feel forced or— “

“—Gwen, it’d be my honour.” He cuts off her nervous ramble. “We could even give these ATV’s that have been catching dust some action.”

Zuma and Kingston nearly combust at the mention of it, Gwen’s sigh a loud and palpable one.

“You mean like an actual four-wheeler?” Zuma asks surprised and excited, his voice at least an octave higher than usual.

Blake smiles. “That’s exactly what I mean, bud.”

“Yeah that’s not happening.” Gwen says strictly, giving Blake a warning glance. When her kids start speaking up again, she shuts it down quickly. “Unless you want me to change my mind about letting you go with Blake, I suggest you go and grab your swimsuits.”

Reluctantly they all rush off, deciding not to push their luck.

She didn’t think about how that meant she’d be left alone with Blake again, her smile slowly fading as she’s hit with another wave of nausea and dizziness.

“Gwen, you should really go back to bed.” Blake notices quickly, his arm reaching out for her this time, the touch plain and simple, simply meant to keep her steady.

She nods, her throat feeling painfully dry. “I don’t know what I came down with suddenly, I literally woke up and felt like I’d been hit by a truck.”

Blake huffs. “Yeah, that’s no fun. Let me help you.”

She’s surprised when he adjusts his grip on her and helps her up the stairs, holding the sliding doors apart for her so she can stumble through them. She realizes this is the first time he’s been in her house, and it feels more than a little bit weird.

She’s too far gone to be able to protest it though, and she’s painfully aware of how much she needs his help too, for her legs feel incredibly unstable.

“You’re gonna be okay or do I need to help you upstairs?”

There’s no judgement in his voice, only worry. No matter how much she wants to send him away, tell him she’s fine—she can’t.

“If you don’t mind…” She says softly, slightly embarrassed still.

He doesn’t pay any mind to it, instead just tightens his grip on her and helps her up the final stairs. She’s grateful she kept the curtains all the way shut in her room, barely any light being able to make its way through, since having another man in her bedroom makes it impossible for her to not slightly freak out.

“Do you have any Tylenol in the house?” He asks, his voice a soft murmur in her ear. She didn’t even realize how much she’s leaning on him, her head nearly on his shoulder. “Any ibuprofen maybe?”

She nods her head carefully, wincing as the movement causes another wave of pain to wash over her. “It’s in the bathroom. Zuma or Kingston can show you.”

He hums softly, the sound such a low and beautiful thing. “I’ll get you that. Go lay down.”

She should probably be more reluctant about how she literally lets him walk her all the way to her bedside, his arm still supporting hers as she slowly lowers herself onto the matrass. She groans when her head hits the pillow, her whole body feeling like it’s on fire.

“I’ll be right back.” He lets her know sweetly, and she finds herself wishing she could bottle up the sound of his caring voice and replay it whenever she feels like crying at night.

He’s gone for less than two minutes, her body filling with unusual relief when she hears her bedroom door creak open again, some light making its way into her room because of it.

She smiles when he places a glass of water and a strip of Tylenol on her nightstand, his voice causing her to turn onto her back as she looks at him.

“I hope you don’t mind, but your kids showed me around your kitchen a bit and I found these….” He shows her a small pack of crackers before letting out a small chuckle. “They won’t cure your hunger anytime soon, but you can probably keep those down.”

She doesn’t mean to do it, but she can’t help but compare him.

Her ex-husband never did anything like this for her; he wouldn’t even be home most times she _did_ get sick, but even if he was, he wouldn’t take care of her much.

“Thank you.” She whispers, swallowing roughly.

“No problem.” He replies quickly. “By the way, I’m thinking about taking them just a little off the shore and just float there for a few hours and let them swim and tire themselves out. I’ll have them back before dinner time, is that okay with you?”

She tilts her head slightly, catching the sympathy pooling in his eyes as he takes in her pained frame.

“Yeah.” She says hoarsely. “That’s fine, Blake. No ATV’s though—they’re way too young for that.”

Blake smiles, biting his lip. “No ATV’s then, but they’re really not as dangerous as you think.”

She chuckles. “It’s still a no.”

“Maybe you’ll change your mind when I get you on one, someday.”

Her heart nearly combusts at his words, the sudden semi-invitation catching her off guard. She swallows roughly before dismissing him playfully.

“Get out of here.”

His loud laugh fills the room and it’s fully worth the addition to her headache. It’s also the first time he seemed to have been genuinely enjoying her company and that’s something that fills her with way more joy than it probably should.

“Try getting some rest.” He says before leaving her room, the sound of her kids laughing as he leads them out of the house the last thing she hears before she’s embarked in silence again.

This time, she’s not too mad at the quiet surrounding her. She replays the last half an hour of her life compulsively, not knowing how to feel about it yet. The last few days she’d been trying to convince herself of her dislike for her Southern neighbour, keeping their contact minimal.

She tried to ignore the sting of her kids taking such a liking to him, nearly choking on her breath when Kingston had brought him up during their drive to the supermarket. He’s been the most serious one out of all her kids, and she’s not oblivious to it having something to do with the divorce, but he seriously lit up when talking about Blake.

She knows she needs to be extra careful, her family having been through enough. She can’t help but wonder if her caution actually does them any good in this situation, or if it’s just a selfish thing she does to keep from having to show her cards to a man she barely knows.

Despite the pain still raging through her body, she stacks some pillows in her back and sits upright, grabbing the notepad from inside the bedside drawer. Sometimes it sucks being an artist, the inspiration hitting her at the most inconvenient times and it won’t let her rest until she writes it down. The words that spill out of her are raw, painful even.

She writes until she physically can’t anymore. Sleep comes knocking and demands some more hours of her and she’s too wrung out to fight it.

 

*

“Mommy, hey, wake up.”

Her oldest soft voice rinses her back into consciousness, her eyes slowly opening to reveal the sight of his excited yet worn out face. She reaches her hand out for him and smiles.

“You’re back home.” She states simply, relief in her voice as she keeps laying down, her body still feeling like it took a hit.

“Blake’s boat is awesome, mom! It doesn’t go very fast, but it has a higher deck you can jump off and he even let us drive it for a while.”

Though there’s initial worry at Kingston’s words, she curves her lips up at his sheer enthusiasm. “That sounds awesome, baby.”

“It was, he’s the coolest.”

She huffs, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opens them again, he’s still standing at her bedside expectantly.

“What time is it?”

“Five thirty. Blake said he promised you he’d bring us back before dinner time.” Her oldest replies simply.

She nods, making some room on the bed before gesturing Kingston down next to her. She’s happy to be met with no resistance. It becomes less frequently that Kingston lets her hold him, getting to that age where too much affection from his mother just isn’t cool anymore, but in this moment he has no problem crawling next to her. She holds on to him for a few sacred minutes, having missed this.

If she could get away with it, she wouldn’t have moved for at least a few more hours, but Kingston becomes restless after a while and she realizes Blake’s probably still downstairs and so she eventually makes her way down. She’d changed into loose sweats and a black tank-top, her hair looking shiny and gross, but she can’t even get herself to care. When she arrives in the living room, Apollo and Zuma are both entranced with a show on the television and there’s an unusual silence. She looks at Blake who’s sitting on the couch next to them, getting up when he realizes her presence. Kingston takes Blake’s place on the couch, while Blake follows her into the kitchen, away from the kids.

“What did you do to them?” She smirks, looking at her three boys on the couch. “I’ve never seen them this calm before the clock has even struck 6.”

Blake shrugs, a proud smile on his lips. “Took them for a swim, which they did for hours; it was bound to exhaust them at some point.”

“Thank you for taking them today, Blake. Seriously.”

He waves his hand as if to dismiss it, but she won’t let him.

“I had no idea what I was gonna do today when I woke up.” She admits to him softly, moving her eyes up to meet his gaze. “Obviously, I don’t know anyone here and I’m a single mom so there were a few intense moments of panic this morning.”

He seems to understand the importance of what he did for her, smiling a bit more gently.

“I’m glad I could help.” He replies softly, sliding his hand in his jeans pocket. “I had a great time with them—they’re great kids.”

She smiles at the compliment, nodding in agreement. “Yeah they are.”

They stay quiet, the only sound they hear the cartoon voice coming from the TV in the living room. She takes some time to take in Blake again, his unruly curls making her think things like how it would feel to run her hands through them and the masculine confidence he exudes making her wonder if he’s that way in the bedroom too.

She shakes her head almost violently.

“I should probably start on some dinner for the boys.”

He looks at her knowingly, nodding.

“Of course. Let me just go say goodbye to them and I’ll be out of your hair.”

He makes a move to walk past her into the living room, but she surprises herself when she reaches out for his arm and stops him. She immediately retracts her hand from his skin, but he stands still and faces her regardless.

“Uhm, I don’t know if you already had any plans….” She stammers, her nerves only growing underneath his gaze. “But I just wondered if maybe you wanna stay for dinner? I mean you’ve babysat them all day, it’s the least I can do to say thank you.”

“Gwen, you don’t have to thank me….”

“I know.” She responds quickly, biting her lip. “I want to. Please stay for dinner, Blake.”

She never expected herself to say those words to him, the whole thing another exhibit of how fucked up her mind is, and yet she can’t get herself to take the words back.

He rubs a hand along the back of his neck, obviously torn about something.

“Are you sure?”

She nods determinedly. “Yeah, I went grocery shopping yesterday and there’s plenty of food in the house. It would be my pleasure, really.”

She can see the moment he gives in, and she smiles before he gets the words out.

“Okay, yeah, sure. Why not.”

It’s been a while since she cooked for another man, but it’s surprisingly easy _and_ helpful to have Blake there while she gets busy in the kitchen. Every now and then she hears laughter from her kids coming from the living room, and she tries to stain her ears to hear what Blake said that was so funny. She steals glances in between cooking, the genuine smiles on her kids faces making her happy.

Dinner goes smoothly and though Blake’s still obviously more comfortable talking to her kids than her, he’s noticeably more open to her. Her kids are truly exhausted and go upstairs rather quickly afterwards. She feels like it’s a long shot and kinda risky, but she decides to put herself out there once more tonight when she asks him to stay for a glass of wine. He seems less torn and reluctant this time, taking her invitation and sitting down with her on the patio. She’s been coming here alone every night and to sit here with _him_ now, makes her strangely aware of everything.

She knows Blake’s an attractive guy, she’s sure she’s not the first to notice either. His baby blue eyes, his facial hair trimmed and groomed and his tall stature, all working to make a mix that just works. She knows it’s been a while since she’s been with a guy in general, the intimacy in her marriage stopping long before she actually filed for the divorce, and she blames that for the way her mind keeps straying.

“You okay in there?” His low voice brings her back to Earth and she smiles nervously.

“Sure.” She replies, bringing the glass of dark red to her lips. “Sitting here outside while looking at the pretty view just makes me think, you know.”

He hums, taking a sip of his own glass. “You should think less.”

She looks at him, raising her brow. “Why?”

“Dunno, it’s what I’ve been told.”

She laughs, shaking her head.

“How are you feeling?” He asks suddenly, his voice turning a bit more serious.

“Better.” She replies honestly, inhaling the freshness of the outside air. “Still not great, but at least I don’t feel like dying anymore.”

He chuckles. “Baby steps.”

She looks at him with a warm smile, looking away quickly when she starts feeling a blush creeping up onto her features.

“How are you?”

She surprises herself by asking the question, and she can tell Blake’s equally surprised.

“Pretty good today.” He answers, avoiding her eyes. “Tired though; your kids have done a number on me.”

There’s that familiar guilt that creeps into her chest, settling there uncomfortably so.

“They can be a lot, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not. They might’ve tired me out but it’s been a great day. They’re much healthier than all the other ways I usually tire myself out with.”

His words spark a certain curiosity within her, but she can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s not planning on elaborating any further.

“You live quite an interesting life, don’t you?” She asks playfully, though she’s secretly hoping for a more serious answer; anything to learn more about this man she has such trouble reading.

He laughs a bitter sound.

“ _Interesting_? I guess that’s one way to describe it.”

She takes a big gulp of her wine. “What word would you use to describe it?”

His gaze lowers to his hand, and she takes notice of the way his smile starts fading just a little bit.

“Messy.”

She hums. “I know quite something about messy.”

He looks up at her, his eyes sparking with something else now.

“Y’know, when we first met, Kingston brought up his dad…”

Her face scrounges up at the mention of her ex-husband, suddenly in need of another sip. She lets the alcohol glide down her throat, shuddering out a breath.

“We divorced. He wasn’t a very good man.”

She decides to keep it at that, not feeling like diving into the subject more.

Blake nods. “Sorry to hear that.”

She doesn’t answer him, instead she takes the opportunity to look at him from behind her glass. It’s damn near breath taking, looking at him in this moment; she recognizes some of the intensity shining in his eyes, making her feel like he’s more aware of her situation than she likes to admit. The way he’s able to keep his composure regardless and listen to her with such confidence and pose, makes her slightly envious and a whole lot intrigued. She wants to get to know him better, even though there’s still also a genuine part of her being that doesn’t even know if she _likes_ him. He’s different, that’s for sure and maybe he was right about one thing—she’s not used to people giving her such a hard time, aside from her ex. Blake’s not impressed by her, doesn’t even seem to have a clue about who she is, and he’s straightforward. He’s terrifying, yet she’s incredibly drawn to him.

She follows the motion of his lips on the wine glass before he licks them, getting rid of the taste of alcohol staining his lips and it’s taking every ounce of self-control to not jump him.

He gets distracted when his phone starts buzzing in his pants pocket, his lips turning into a small smirk before he decides to ignore it.

“You don’t have to stay here for me you know?” She whispers, nodding towards the phone he just put away. “You don’t have to cancel your plans for me.”

He blinks at her, letting that smirk appear again.

“Actually…” He grins. “That was a confirmation of plans, not a cancelation.”

She tries her best at a genuine smile, but her chest suddenly gets heavy at the thought of him hanging out with someone else, someone who evokes _that_ smirk from him. It also emphasizes the lack of her plans lately.

“That’s good.”

He swallows the final sip of his drink before setting it down on the outdoor piece of furniture, smiling.

“Is it?”

She looks at him confused. “Isn’t it?”

He sits back, being overly brazen in the way he looks her over and it almost makes her choke on her drink.

“I’m trying real hard to figure you out, Gwen. Can’t say I’ve succeeded yet.”

She’s surprised to hear he’s even trying to figure her out, but she can’t help but feel slightly validated at the knowledge he thinks of her sometimes too—even if it’s rarely.

“You find _me_ hard to figure out?” She replies, cocking her head. “You basically couldn’t wait for me to leave after I introduced myself, you called me out on my LA ways that same night and yet you’re helping me out with my kids when I get sick only a few days later?”

“I thought we’d agreed on leaving that night behind us.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t remember it.”

He clears his throat before speaking again, leaning forward a bit. “You know what I think?”

Her mouth gets dry all the sudden, something about the way he asked that question scaring her. She shakes her head and braces herself for the honesty that’s bound to leave his lips, and she lets him say it just because she’s missed out on so much truth already. “No, what?”

“I think you ran off here to be someone you’re not, and now you’re realizing you’re not capable of doing that. You hate that I didn’t play along and you’ve been trying to convince yourself you disliked me ever since—but you _don’t_ and you hate that too.”

She tightens her grip on her glass in fear of dropping it, nearly choking on her breath. She looks at him in disbelief, torn between laughing or slapping him for being so blunt about it.

“You don’t know anything about my life, Blake.”

He bites his lip, obviously refraining himself from saying something smart. “Was I wrong just now?”

“You were rude.”

“The truth is rude sometimes.”

Just like that, she’s up from the lounger and looking down at him angrily. She looks up at the sky, trying to count the number of stars she sees before facing him again.

“You don’t get to do this.” She says matter of factly. “You might’ve helped me out today, and my kids might like you and that’s great, but you don’t get to make these types of assumptions about me while calling me out whenever I try to learn more about you.”

She looks away when she feels her eyes get teary, her emotions running freely again.

He stands up now too, his proximity shocking her suddenly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

She tries not to think about how his closeness would make it so easy for him to just reach out and touch her, how one step forward would cause her to hit his chest.

“I don’t understand you.” She whispers. “One moment you seem to like me and the next you seem to think I’m some blonde bimbo, not even worthy of your time.”

He chuckles. “I can assure that’s not how I see you.”

She’s tempted to ask how he _does_ see her, but she doesn’t think she could handle any more of his honesty.

“I’m feeling tired again….” She trails off, the meaning of her words clear.

He nods. “Yeah, you should go get some more rest.”

Just as the words have left his lips, his phone starts buzzing again. “Shit, sorry, I— “

“Don’t worry about it.” She cuts him of rushed, really not wanting to hear about where he’s going after this, and definitely not wanting an apology. “I’ll see you later, Blake.”

He nods at her and seems to debate on saying something else, but he refrains eventually. He’s gone as fast as he’d showed up here this morning and she hates how she can’t even look at him walking off. There’s no reason why she should be feeling any sort of attachment to this man; she knows him for less than a week and he was just rude to her in her own house—he’s bound to bring her nothing but trouble and yet she’s biting back tears at hearing the gate opening and closing behind him.

She checks up on her kids on her way to her own bedroom, gently coaxing Kingston to going to bed when she catches him still on his phone. Zuma and Apollo are already off to sleep and she can’t wait to crawl back under the covers herself.

 

She wonders who’s covers Blake's under tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Jo!

Three weeks have passed since she packed up her things and left behind LA for what it was, trying at fresh start and much-needed getaway with her children. The adjustment period was probably longer for her than it was for her kids, but she’s happy to say she got there. She loves waking up to the bright sunrays shining through her curtains, the sound of peace and serenity lulling her to consciousness. The way she’s faced with the lake and large piece of land that’s attached to her property, as it’s the first thing she sees when she opens her curtains has truly spoiled her. She doesn’t think she could ever go back home without missing this view greatly.

Her kids have calmed down some since moving here too; maybe it’s the fact that they tire themselves out all day, but they’ve been less on edge and they’ve all gained back that certain spark in their eyes. This place is doing them good and that’s enough to help her wake up with a smile on her face.

She found the grocery store Blake told her about, which in all honesty wasn’t much, but she didn’t expect anything else from being out here in the middle of nowhere. There was a small bakery next to the store that she’s been going to a few times a week. She figured out that Gary has been working there for twenty years and still enjoys getting up at five, to set up shop and she smiles everytime she comes in there and he greets her on first name basis.

Things are simpler here, people are warmer and she’s slowly but surely growing attached to the way life is out here.

She thinks she’s secretly been growing attached to Blake a little bit too—which is weird considering they haven’t spent that much time together. Every time they  _do_  communicate, there’s this weird tension that manages to find its way in there. Still, she finds herself thinking about her neighbour way too much for it to be casual. Her children have been on his property a few times in the last week, and she’d smiled when Zuma told her Blake let him walk Betty around. The only time she’s gotten to talk to Blake was whenever she picked up her kids, or came around simply to check up on them. He was friendly everytime but he never let her in on much, his smile never reached his eyes when he talked to her and she was saddened to realize he still had a bit of a chip on his shoulder when it came to her.

Thinking about it, there’s no reason for her to be drawn to him; he doesn’t give her the attention she’s obviously craving, he disappears each night and only comes back the next morning and going off the company he sometimes keeps, she’s far from what he’s interested in.

All that aside, she’s doing better. Her nightly cry sessions have become less, she’s been able to write some lyrics down she’s actually not mad at, and she’s gained some energy back. She’s thankful for that for many reasons, the most prominent one being that it’s way harder to keep up with her children when she’s running low on fuel.

She’s sitting on one of the lounge chairs looking out on the pool, watching her kids play around in the water while her youngest sits between her legs. It sometimes makes her emotional to think how much the oldest two have grown; how much more independent they’ve become.

“So what do you think?” She asks with a hint of hopefulness in her voice, her eyes boring into the side of Todd’s face.

“I think you were right about coming here.” He says, smiling at her. “This place is huge; I can understand why the kids are as obsessed as they are.”

Her brother and sister in law arrived this morning and she’s happy to have them stay for a few days. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little nervous to have them over and see the property for themselves—desperately wanting someone to tell her she’s doing the right thing.

She smiles when her brother does exactly that.

“Thank you. I feel like it’s doing the kids really good.”

She keeps her gaze on the pool, waving at Zuma when he catches her staring. She can often see herself in him when he smiles at her, his face a clear reflection of hers then. He’s always been a bubbly kid and she’s happy to find out he hasn’t lost that.

“You’re a great mom, Gwen.” Her brother looks at her intensely, apparently reading all the insecurities she’s been trying to hide, right there on her face. “You don’t have anything to prove, you know that right?”

She smiles weakly, lowering her mouth to the top of Apollo’s head, hugging him against her body a bit tighter.

“I feel so bad all the time.”

Todd shakes his head. “Look at them, they’re happy. I don’t see their dad anywhere in sight, so that means you must be doing something right.”

She huffs. “I tore their family apart.”

“Gwen, I don’t mean for this to sound horrible, but your family got torn up the moment he decided to make a mockery out of his vows.”

She looks up at her brother with wide eyes, deciding to drop the subject in favour of her youngest still pressed against her. It’s clear he’s oblivious to the conversation though, and instead is focused solely on the cartoon playing on the iPad.

“It just hurts.” She whispers, forcing her gaze back to Todd.

He nods in acknowledgment, a look of sympathy and pain in his eyes. She knows he feels bad for her, she knows he’d love to pay Gavin a visit and beat the crap out of him, but she also knows that he’s more concerned with getting  _her_  back on track. 

“It’s not gonna be like this forever, you know?”

She nods. “I know.”

Jen comes back with a few drinks, Leo following right behind her and she smiles at the sight. She’s a real family person, and having her whole family here is doing wonders for her heart. 

“Mom!”

She looks back to the pool, watching as Kingston props himself up on both arms and pushes himself out of the pool. His body is dripping water everywhere as he walks over to her, stopping right in front of the lounge chair. She looks at him with a grin on her face, but there’s something about Kingston’s facial expression that confuses her.

“What’s wrong baby?”

“Is Blake okay?”

The question catches her off guard and she can see her brother’s brow raise from the corner of her eyes. She looks up at her oldest, cocking her head.

“What do you mean?”

“ _Look_.” He nods towards the driveway next-doors, and she follows his gaze.

Blake’s truck is parked on the same space as usual, only he’s not jumping out of it with ease this time. Blake’s tall frame is leaning heavily against the side of his truck, and though her vision isn’t super clear from where she’s sitting, it’s obvious he’s walking with anything but stability when he walks further up his property.

Her heart constricts painfully at the sight, but she swallows that bitter taste down quickly. Trying to play it cool, she reaches out for Kingston’s arm and nudges him.

“Blake’s fine, don’t worry baby.”

He doesn’t look all the way convinced and it’s times like these where she realizes he’s too old for her to get away with these sketchy answers. “He probably drank a bit too much, he’ll be fine.”

The way she just witnessed Blake tells her he did more than just drink a  _bit_  too much, but she doesn’t want her children to worry—especially not over someone they have no business caring about like that.

Kingston seems satisfied with her answer for now, and she smiles when he leans down to peck a kiss to her cheek. She watches as he joins his brother and niece back into the pool, the heat of her brother’s stare on her cheek an uncomfortable one.

“Todd, don’t even say it.”

“Who the hell is Blake?”

She looks at him in warning, looking back at Apollo who’s luckily still entranced with his show.

“Sorry.” Todd grimaces, realizing his mistake. “Who’s this Blake guy though?”

She shakes her head, this conversation not one she’s excited to have. She doesn’t even know how to fully answer that question, so she settles for the most obvious truth.

“He’s our neighbour.”

The optimist in her wants to believe her brother will drop the subject, but she knows better.

“Why does Kingston care about how he’s doing?”

Gwen bites her lip hard, leaning back into the lounger. “He’s been hanging out with the kids a bit, helping us get situated.”

“ _Gwen_.”

“It’s not like that.” She defends herself quickly, shaking her head. “I don’t even think he likes me to be honest. He’s just been taking a liking to the kids and they are in return crazy about him. What can I do, Todd? I dragged them out here and they know no one else…”

“You trust him?”

She nods softly. “I wouldn’t let him hang around my kids this soon if I didn’t.”

“The way he just stumbled out of his car….” Todd’s voice trails off and she already knows she won’t be liking whatever is bound to follow. “It just doesn’t seem like the most stable guy to have around your kids.”

“He’s not like that, you don’t know him.”

“Neither do you.”

She can’t lie, that one stings. There’s so much she wants to know about the six foot five cowboy next door, and there’s only so little he’s willing to give her.

“Do you trust me?” She asks gently, making sure to hold his gaze.

“Gwen, don’t do that— “

“Do you?”

He waves his hand between them impatiently. “Of course I do, you know that.”

“Then trust me when I say I wouldn’t let a guy around my kids if I didn’t think it was safe to do so.”

She sees her brother’s features soften a bit, letting out a sigh. “I’m just worried about you guys out here, that’s all.”

She smiles gratefully. “I know. I understand it too; I just really need you to trust me right now.” Her hand rakes through Apollo’s soft curls, smiling when he leans back into her touch a little bit. “I also need another favour.”

Todd looks up at her again, nodding.

“What is it?”

“I need you to keep an eye out on the kids while I go check on Blake.”

She fully expected the loud sigh rolling of Todd’s lips, but she doesn’t let it faze her, keeping her eyes locked with his intently. The moment where he decides to let go of his objections is obvious and she smiles at the sight of it.

“Fine, yeah, go.”

She nudges Apollo forward just enough so she can get up from behind him, her hand landing on her brother’s shoulder as she squeezes gently.

“I know you don’t approve.”

He shrugs. “You told me to trust you—this is me trusting you.”

She leans down to place a kiss on his cheek, glancing back at Apollo one more time. He’s immediately stolen her place on the lounger, having outstretched himself with the iPad nearly pushed into his face.

“I’ll be right back.” She says to no one in particular.

“Take your time, we got it.” Jen’s sweet voice makes her feel a bit better about leaving to check up on Blake, and the look she gets from her sister in law tells her she won’t have to worry—her brother will come around too.

She looks around for the brown beach sandals she knows she has laying around here somewhere, sliding them onto her feet before walking off her property. Her flowery dress starts sticking to her chest suddenly as she finds herself growing nervous about once again showing up at his place unannounced. She remembers how he showed up at hers and requested to help her out when she was sick and she suddenly feels a bit better about coming to check up on him; she’d like to think he’d do the same.

The first thing she’s greeted with when she walks up towards his door, is the barking of his dog. While her first initial reaction is to be spooked, she soon realizes it’s all excitement. The large bundle of energy comes crashing into her leg, desperate for affection. She crouches down to pet the dog behind her ears, smiling when she nearly gets knocked over by the dog’s enthusiasm.

“Hey cutie.” She squeals softly, scratching her behind her ear as she gets back up. “Come on, let’s get you back inside.”

She knocks softly onto the glass doors, feeling like it’s too much to just walk inside. She keeps standing there a bit awkwardly, watching as Betty runs back inside, finding her owner.

“Blake?” She calls softly. “It’s me, Gwen…. Can I come in?”

Only a few seconds later Blake comes into view, his rugged look turned up a notch and the way he squints his eyes making it clear that he’s affected by the light as he walks up to her. She takes in the way he almost seems to walk in slow motion, sauntering over to her with the utmost discomfort and lack of finesse altogether. His voice is a husky drawl, only this time it sounds scratchy and painful.

“Whatcha doing here, Gwen?”

She takes that as her cue to step inside, the smell of booze and sex hitting her immediately and she’s tempted to run straight out again.

“You look horrible.”

He chuckles, turning his back on her. “You came here to insult me? Cause if so, you can walk right out.”

She swallows roughly, keeping the sliding doors from closing completely, some fresh air much needed.

She follows Blake down into the living room, her eyes falling onto the large couch that’s stacked with pillows and blankets—making it obvious he’s been crashing here instead of his room for some reason.

“I came here because my kids saw you today as you came stumbling out of your truck, drunk of your ass. They’re worried.”

“ _Shit_.” He curses, rubbing a hand along his neck, still avoiding looking at her. “I’m fine, just…. you shouldn’t be here.”

“Too bad, I’m here now.” She replies slightly annoyed, rushing to his side when he nearly crashes into the small coffee table in front of him. “Blake, you’re a mess.”

She holds on to him and she realizes this is the first time she’s initiated physical contact that lasts more than a few seconds.

“I’m fine.” He repeats, shrugging himself out of her grasp and lowering onto the couch.

He looks at her less than impressed when she starts picking up some of the clothes lingering around on the floor, afraid he’ll slip over them in his current state.

“Shouldn’t you be with your kids?”

“My brother and sister in law are there.” She ignores his muffled words, as she’s sure they’re not beneficial to the situation. “What the hell happened in here?” She mumbles to herself, not expecting an answer anyways.

“I had friends over last night.”

She looks back at Blake sagging back into the couch, his brow raised and frustration blended with exhaustion amidst his face.

“Friends?”

“And girls. Plenty of them. You wanna hear about what we did together too  _or_?”

Her heart’s banging violently against her chest, the truth of Blake’s words written all over the dishevelled room and she desperately wishes she could’ve gone without the verbal confirmation. She picks up the water bottle he was reaching for before he stumbled into the coffee table and throws it at him, surprised when he still catches it on pure reflex.

“Who you fuck is none of my business.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I told you why.”

He chuckles a dry sound, anger filling his eyes. “Right. Your kids saw me and they’re worried. They told you to come over here too?”

She shakes her head, exhaling loudly. “Did you drive drunk?”

He cocks his head, a bitter smile coating his lips. “Why are you the only one getting answers here?”

“Jesus Christ Blake, are you actually  _that_  stupid? You could’ve died or something.”

He shakes his head, a violent gesture.

“I didn’t drive, Gwen,  _fuck_. I thought I could, but I realized I was still seeing double and I got the fuck out and went back inside.”

She sighs in relief.

“Unless you’re planning on telling me the real reason why you showed up here, I need you to get out. Talking hurts my head.”

Though Blake has never been overly friendly with her before, he’s also never been rude, and this side of Blake has been hidden up until now. The bluntness of his words and tone throw her off for a second and she swallows loudly, trying hard at finding her bearings.

“I’m here because I saw you weren’t feeling good and wanted to help.”

“Why?”

Just like that he’s up from the couch, walking towards her. She holds her hands out as if she’s afraid she might have to catch him and the protest is only halfway past her lips when he stands in front of her.

“Blake, what are you— “

“You’re lying to me.” He cuts her off, his voice a rough whisper.

She shakes her head, walking backwards when he tries closing more distance. She realizes she has nowhere to go when her back hits the dinner table, her hands coming up this time—not to catch him—but to hold him off.

“What do you want me to say?” She whispers.

He’s standing so close her palm is currently touching his chest, and the way he stands there with infuriating calmness all the sudden, is enough to make her head spin.

“That you came here to check up on me, because you care.”

“Would that make you feel better?” She asks softly, feeling a bit unsteady on her legs.

“You need to stop thinking you can make me feel better, Gwen.”

She laughs bitterly, looking everywhere but at him.

“What the hell happened to you, Blake?  _Who_  happened to you?”

Blake’s features colour with anger and his jaw locks painfully tight. The sight of him so overtaken by emotion is slightly intimidating. She’s never seen someone this transparent before.

“You’re trying to distract from the fact that you’re standing in  _my_  house, backed up against  _my_  furniture, without me ever inviting you. You want me to believe that hard ass act you got going on? Then don’t do shit like this—don’t show up here, don’t care about me.”

She gasps as he reads her so easily, and she finds her voice to be nothing but a whisper.

“Are you mad that I care about you?”

“I’m mad cause you’re pretending you don’t.”

He looks at her incredulously, and the anger and lust pooling in his eyes makes her painfully aware of their situation. This is exactly the type of thing her brother was trying to warn her about. It’s what she’s been telling herself couldn’t happen, but here she is crushing on her neighbour,  _hard_. And now he knows.

She flinches in shock when his hand grazes the side of her face, touching her. She trembles slightly, torn between wanting to pull away from him and needing him to do more. His hand trails from her earlobe to her neck and she feels like she can’t breathe; she knows she should be pushing him away, yet she’s nailed to the spot.

“You shouldn’t be doing this.” She whispers, yet her face involuntarily leans into his touch.

“What do you want?” He asks instead, pushing into her and forcing her all the way back against the cold furniture. Both of her hands fly to the edge of the table to keep her from falling backwards.

She’s completely thrown off by his sudden brazenness, some of that confidence she knows of him making its way back to his demeanour. One of his hands is still on her cheek, while the other one has moved down to her hip. It’s been way too long since she’s been held like this and she can’t even remember the last time someone aside from her ex-husband tried touching her like this. She feels arousal pool low in her stomach, but Blake’s earlier words still linger loudly in her head, the thought of him with other women last night making it easier for her to put an end to this.

“Stop.” She whispers, shifting her head so his hand has no choice but to slide off. “Stop touching me.”

His hands are off her immediately, and she hates how she misses his touch despite being the one to demand he lets her go. She breaks their eye contact, feeling both exposed and vulnerable. He sees her in a way that she’s not used to, and it’s way too much so soon after her last relationship. She hates herself for not being able to shake him, like she knows she should. He’s a broken man himself—he would bring her nothing but trouble.

“I’m not something to stroke your ego with, okay?” She hears herself say, wiping her sweaty hands along the sides of her dress. “You’re obviously craving company from people equally as fucked up as you and you’re getting a kick out of the fact that I find you attractive. Don’t play with me.”

Her heart is racing, this time she’s the one to read him.

“I’m not playing with you." 

“You are.” She spits out harshly. “You don’t even like me.”

“I don’t understand you. There’s a difference.”

His admission leaves her speechless, wanting to yell at him and kiss him all in the same breath.

She had people hit on her before, she was no stranger to people trying their luck with her, but she’d never been looked at like this before. Very rarely had someone tiptoed the edge of like and dislike with her in such a mind-boggling way. The blood that rushes to her cheeks at his words make her unable to maintain eye contact, and she's pretty sure that the emotions in his eyes will only make things worse. Letting him speak any more words to her would also be a mistake, since no one ever talked to her with such reverence in their voice before.

“I need to go back to my kids, my family.” She says softly, shaking her head. “I shouldn’t have come here.”

She moves past him, keeping her gaze on the floor as she feels herself tear up. She finds herself not wanting to leave, despite feeling called out and disrespected. She wanted to lean into his touch earlier instead of slapping his hand away, and it’s a total reflection of her current state of mind.

“Gwen!”

She ignores him as she pushes past the glass doors, only stopping when Betty demands for one last pet. She does so because she likes the dog, and she pretends not to want to turn back around when she hears Blake whistle Betty back inside.

She shouldn’t have shown up here, she knows that now.

 

She can’t protect her heart when she allows herself to act on her care for this man.


	4. Chapter 4

“Is Gwen here?”

It’s entirely too late for him to be showing up on her doorstep, let alone with her family there, and Todd can’t hide the judgement on his face when he’s faced with the neighbour who had seemingly enamoured his family.

“It won’t be long, I promise.” Blake tries after a few seconds, but Todd still doesn’t budge.

“Listen, I don’t know you and I have no problems with you but— “

“You’re looking out for your sister, I get that.” Blake cuts him off expertly and apparently, the Southerner seems intent on pissing him off. “I just need to speak to her, as two adults.”

“ _Todd_?”

Gwen’s voice comes up from behind him and her eyes widen as she’s faced with Blake again. Her head lifts towards her brother and she smiles sweetly, knowing he’s gonna be anything but happy about what she’s about to say next.

“Can you give us a second?”

He huffs and shakes his head, though he does eventually turn around and disappears back into the house.

She steps out on the patio and pushes the door close a bit, giving them a little privacy. Blake takes the hint and steps back a little too, both hands in his pockets and his lip caught between his teeth.

She inhales deeply before looking up at him.

“It’s quite late for you to show up here.” She states softly, the quiet hum of electricity from the porch light mixing with her words.

“I know.” He replies softly, his demeanour surprisingly lacking his usual confidence. “I didn’t want to come in between your time with the kids.”

“You mean you knew I wouldn’t have this conversation with you if they were still up.”

He smirks. “I wasn’t sure if you’d have this conversation with me either way.”

Her brow scrunches, her chest expanding with a wakening breath as she squints at him.

“I’m still not sure.”

When he looks up at her again, it’s not anger that she sees in his eyes, instead it’s concern. Bright blue concern, and she’s utterly lost because of it.

“I’m sorry for talking to you the way I did, for being the way I was with you earlier today.” Some of the light from inside seems to creep in his voice and she likes how soft it sounds. “Last night wasn’t a good one and I was battling the world’s worst hangover, but I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. You didn’t deserve that.”

Her throat ripples with a swallow that goes down hard. “I knew you probably wouldn’t want me there and I still came, it’s fine Blake.”

“Well I didn’t want you to show up this morning, but that had nothing to do with you.” He admits slowly, yet he doesn’t cower before her. “I just wished you hadn’t seen me like that.”

She lets out a breath, utterly hating him for confusing her the way he does. Hating him for chipping away at her walls while not showing her a hint of safety that would come from doing so. Hating him for making it so easy for her to care about him. Hating him for leaving her with nothing but her panic and paranoia about what she’s doing. Hating him for showing her he cares as well, otherwise he wouldn’t be here on her doorstep, apologizing.

“I kinda wish I hadn’t either.”

His eyes light up suddenly, and she cocks her head in confusion.

“Guess we _can_ agree on things.”

She shakes her head, muffling a silent laugh. “Miracles do happen.”

He smiles at her so genuinely then, she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Neither one break the silence they find themselves in next, and she bathes in the thrill that he actually cares about her enough to show up here and fights the urge to lash out because she hadn’t asked for that. She never asked for his care, _or_ his judgements.

“Gwen?” He asks eventually, waiting for her eyes to snap up to his. “My sister and her kids are coming over tomorrow, we usually have these BBQ’s out here whenever they turn up. If you want, I mean…. I would like it for you and the boys to be there too. The invitation obviously extends to the rest of your family too.”

She buries a hand in her hair, digging her nails into her scalp. “What? You want us to meet your family?”

“To be fair, it’s quite normal to invite your neighbours to a BBQ out here in the country.” He smiles as his words settle, but she’s still too surprised to reciprocate any warmness of her own. “But yes, I would love to have a chance to redeem myself for this morning.”

“You know my brother doesn’t like you, right?”

He shrugs. “Even more reasons for you to show up tomorrow. No one has been able to fight the charm of these dimples yet.”

She rolls her eyes, casting her gaze to the floor. “You’re something else.”

“So is that a yes?” He smirks, shifting on his feet.

She looks up to find him already looking, surprised at the softness in his gaze. No matter what he’s saying or how he looks at her, his eyes always draw her in completely. She used to envision blue eyes to be the coldest ones, reminding her of the uncertainty of the ocean, but she’s starting to realize that the hottest fires always burn blue.

“Well I guess it doesn’t sound like the worst idea to capitalize on your guilty conscience.”

He laughs inhibited, his eyes sparking with even more passion. She can’t help but chuckle to herself, proud for having been the one to spark that kind of reaction from him.

“I aim to please.”

She tries not to think about all that could possibly start to mean in the future, biting her lip to prevent her from saying something she shouldn’t.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

He removes his hands from his pockets, and she’s momentarily disappointed when he doesn’t use it to his advantage to reach out and touch her. Instead, he smiles at her one last time before making a move to turn around.

“Hey Blake!” She calls suddenly, making him halt his movements.

“Yeah?”

His glance is filled with patience but there’s also a knowing grin on his features, one she doesn’t quite understand.

“Back at your place, when you said I showed up because I care about you…...you were right.” She moves a bit uneasy on her feet, feeling that familiar flush creep up on her again. “I do.”

She doesn’t know where the sudden need for honesty came from, but she couldn’t let him leave without at least giving him that.

His eyes become softer, yet his eyes bore into her intensely. He’s somewhat unable to keep that smirk of his face, his knowing look from earlier suddenly making much more sense.

“I know.”

 

*

 

Some despondent part of her wants to throw her curling iron out, watch it hit the bottom of the trash can and leave it there abandoned. Her family is already downstairs, and she wishes more than anything that she didn’t find it so damned scary to meet new people again. She forces the corners of her mouth upward and reminds herself of how no one wants to know about the raging wars being fought inside her. She tries to think about how Blake invited her without any prompting, without looking like it was something he _had_ to do. She slips into her light denim shorts, the tight black top not inappropriate but also not hiding her figure. Her long blonde locks are now curled, falling perfectly over her shoulders.

She meets her family before heading out.

She’s grateful for Todd’s acceptance, even if it’s just for tonight. He wasn’t exactly excited about the prospect of dinner with her neighbour, but for the sake of her—and her kids—he’d been very subtle about it. Jen luckily was more thrilled about the idea, and it eased some of her nerves about this whole thing.

It’s no surprise that Blake immediately makes sure they’re all good when they arrive. Her kids are glued to his side before they run off with his niece and nephew, and she doesn’t see them much after that. Blake’s place is perfect for children too; she doesn’t have to think hard to understand why being here excites them so much. Blake holds his head high as he takes care of all his guests, grinning as he offers a toast to happiness, and she wishes she couldn’t recognize the way he didn’t believe in his own words. Of course, she was right there with him, raising her glass and lying a smile back onto her face.

She’s in conversation with Blake’s sister Endy when she watches Blake approach Todd. She feels bad for how her gaze strays away from the woman talking to her, and instead settles on her brother and Blake. Even from a distance she’s able to tell Todd’s discomfort, and she winces at the lack of warmth he shows their neighbour. Realizing that it’s probably less painful for her to _not_ watch this ordeal, she manages to direct her attention back to Blake’s sister.

Everything around her seems to be right and it’s maddening. She can hear people laughing and she can hear her children in the background—everyone seems to be having fun. Everyone except for Blake and Todd, or so she thinks, because she stopped looking for minutes now. If her heart and mind weren’t so set on making things difficult for her, she’d be able to enjoy how his place literally mended with the scenery like it belonged. The colours of his house were hues of the land itself. Upon the rolling fields, she can envision everything growing, from herbs to root vegetables. Sometimes she wishes she could grow just like nature does, a sure and steady thing.

“So how are you liking it here?” Endy asks sweetly, her head cocked to the side as she awaits an answer.

Gwen blinks a few times, cursing the way she sometimes gets lost in thought.

“Uhm, good!” She struggles to come up with, and she doesn’t know why. Things have been good here, aside from the conflicting feelings she’s been feeling for this woman’s brother. “It’s definitely a change from back home, but that’s exactly why we came out here in the first place.”

Endy smiles. “You came here for a break?”

Gwen nods, squaring her shoulders to welcome the illusion of confidence she doesn’t actually feel.

“Something like that. It’s been a bit crazy back home and with the kids there…. I just had to take them out of that toxic environment.”

She’s slightly shocked at how much she just shared with this woman she just met, and she wonders if it’s something that runs in the Shelton family; something about them making it so easy for her to open up to.

“It’s hard being a mom.” Endy shares softly, nodding in acknowledgement. “I think it’s awesome that you decided to leave for a while, for the sake of the children.”

Like on cue, Apollo comes running up to her. His little arms start tugging at her legs and she looks down sweetly. Turns out all he wanted was for her to help tie his shoes and she giggles when he keeps moving, restless to get back to his newly-made friends. When he runs off again, she looks back to Blake’s sister and decides to share some more honesty.

“I thought coming here would help me ground myself too, you know? So much happens sometimes and you just forget who you are—who you want to be.”

Endy laughs lowly and it’s almost scary how much she and Blake sound alike when she does that.

“Oh girl, I do know.” She affirms positively. “Did it happen like that though? Do you feel more grounded here?”

Gwen shrugs. “Somewhat.”

Endy squints her eyes at her, obviously aware of a story behind that answer.

“Can I ask you something personal?”

Here’s one difference between Endy and Blake; Endy at least asks her if she’s ready for some brazen honesty, while Blake just overwhelms her with it on his own pace.

“Sure.” She says softly, masking the sudden nerves that settle in her throat.

“My brother, do you like him?”

Clutching at the fabric of her shorts, she scans the guest around her while admonishing herself for being so damn obvious. It’s a ridiculous response to her question, knowing full well no one was around to hear her ask it, but she can’t help but feel like Endy just shouted her most personal secret through a megaphone.

“What no, why would you ask me that?”

Whatever she expected her response to be, it did not include the sympathetic stare that his sister offers after her little freak out. There’s an awkward silence that lingers and Gwen is desperate to break it, even if it means bearing a little more of her soul.

“I recently got divorced. Relationships are not on my priority list.”

She hopes her words were enough to convince Endy, cause it sure wasn’t enough to convince herself.

“I’m sorry.” His sister speaks softly, her eyes warm and inviting as ever. “I don’t know if he’s told you this and I probably shouldn’t say anything just to be sure, but you know he’s gone through one too, right?”

She feels like someone just punched her in the gut, all the air leaving her lungs. She always knew she recognized something in him, the way he looked at her sometimes too damn revealing, but she never thought it would be _that_ similar.

“How long ago?” She whispers, on the verge of tears.

“Three months now.”

She turns her head to catch a glimpse of Blake, but when her eyes scan his property she finds everyone _but_ him. Todd had joined Jen, Mike and the kids again and going off their smiles, everything was going good so far.

“I need to use the bathroom, will you excuse me?”

Endy smiles at her sweetly and she’s grateful for the woman’s kindness. She needs to get her bearings back though, without anyone around to watch her do it. Making her way to his house, she still feels slightly weird about walking in, despite having spent the whole afternoon on his land.

She eventually finds Blake in the kitchen, Betty close by his side. She coughs quickly to get his attention, lowering her gaze when he looks back at her.

“Gwen.” He acknowledges her gently, Betty immediately taking off to join her side.

She smiles while petting the dog for a second, still feeling the burn of tears in her eyes and the raging heartbeat against her chest.

“Bathroom?” She asks quickly, her voice a hoarse whisper.

“Upstairs, first door on your right.”

She nods gratefully, smiling at Betty when Blake calls her back. Not wasting any more time, she turns around and heads for the stares, gripping the railing tightly. She manages at walking the few final steps to the bathroom, closing the door with a soft thud.

The bathroom has an earthy feel to it. The walls are large format tiles of white honed travertine and the floor is made of dull brown tiles. The vanities are of a dark wood and the counters are a brilliant white quartz. There’s no bath but instead a huge walk in shower with two shower heads. It fits perfectly with everything else in the house, especially it being this spacious.

She turns on the faucet, holding her hands underneath the stream of water before splashing some of it on her face. She uses the towel that hangs next to the sink to dry her hands with, placing them on each side of the vanity to keep her steady. She inhales deeply, trying desperately to get it together.

The revelation about Blake shouldn’t be getting to her like this, but knowing this guy who’s been occupying all her thoughts for the last few weeks, has been going through exactly the same thing as her makes her head spin. She doesn’t know whether meeting him is fate’s way of making up for all the pain she’s been through, or if it’s God’s way of telling her she needs to stay the hell away from him. She doesn’t even want to think about what would happen if both were true.

She looks up into the mirror, wincing at the way she looks dishevelled and effected. She takes one more breath before walking back out of his bathroom, immediately regretting having done so.

Blake’s face is a knowing one and she wants to scream at how observant this family is. She doesn’t try to move passed him, instead she stays perfectly still.

“What happened down there?” Blake asks suddenly, looking at her with a determination only he can.

She shakes her head, not knowing how to respond to that. “Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“Blake…” She breathes, looking up at him pleadingly. “It’s nothing, I just needed— “

“—You needed to rush upstairs to put yourself back together?” He finishes for her, cocking his head. “You don’t think I noticed the way you looked before heading upstairs?”

She huffs out a breath, getting frustrated.

“Who’s the stalker now?”

He doesn’t seem phased by her accusation, and instead walks closer to her. He ducks his head towards her, eyebrows raised and she realizes he’s still waiting for answer.

“Gwen, talk to me. What happened?”

“You got a divorce.”

No amount of heartache can be cured by the pool of tears threatening to spill down her face. No hope of this man before her becoming her Saving Grace will restore the love she lost by the hands of her selfish ex-husband. Blake doesn’t have to say anything for her to read everything in his eyes, and she almost feels bad for how he doesn’t stand a chance; he’s standing in front of her, matching each of her wounds and though she wants to reach out and heal his, she can’t even deal with the pain of having him reflect her life.

“How do you know?” He asks, his voice a low murmur.

“Your sister.”

He chuckles bitterly. “Never could keep a secret, that one.”

“Why did you want it to be a secret?”

“I guess I don’t want my personal life to be shared with just anyone.”

Hearing him refer to her as ‘just anyone’ stings more than she’s willing to let on, and so she remains quiet until he looks at her a bit sideways.

“Why did you come up here, Blake?”

He smiles, his eyes squinting a little. “It’s my house.”

“And you knew I was up here.” She shoots back.

He walks closer to her again and this time it backs her up effectively, feeling the wall behind her. Her chest rises and falls violently and she hates how evident her body’s reactions are to him. Both his hands find their way on the wall next to her head, caging her in.

“Tell me what I already know, Gwen.”

She can’t believe her ears, his timing truly ridiculous. They basically just admitted their baggage to each other—everything is damaged, their hearts scraped raw, and here he is demanding admissions from her. Admissions that could ruin them.

Her eyes narrow. “You’re absolutely ridiculous, Blake. Absolutely fucking ridiculous.”

As he lowers his head, she finds it harder to draw breath. She feels her entire body stiffen, as his breath is his warm against her hair.

“ _Hey_.” He whispers.

She knows exactly what will happen the moment she looks up, and she does so anyways, the consequences be damned.

The moment their eyes meet, his hands cradle the side of her face and he pushes way past any limits she’d set for them before. Dozens of questions are replaced by the exquisite drag of his tongue against hers. Her body presses against him on its own accord, and if he has any questions of his own, they’re being answered by the way her hips thrust up at him.

She arches into him more then and kisses him back with force. She bruises his mouth with hers and she doesn’t even try to hold back a moan when he hauls her up against his body. His thigh slides between hers so easily, it fits the jigsaw pieces of their hips into place, and she gasps. Her fingers bury themselves in his hair while his tongue slips inside her mouth again.

Her spine bows into him when his hands slide beneath the fabric of her shirt, rough fingertips now caressing her ribcage. He’s skirting up dangerously close to her bra, but never touches the thin material. She murmurs his name softly, unable to do anything but let him feel her up and give her pleasure in the only way he’s allowed to right now.

His hand slides up to the side of her face as he bares her neck for him, placing kisses as hotly as she feels. She has the audacity to rock her hips up to meet him, their pelvises colliding roughly. Her head drops back into the cradle of his palm at her nape, allowing him to devour her throat as he sucks and licks at the skin there.

She wants to grab his hand and pull him into the nearest room, shove him down on the bed and ride the waves of heat that already threaten to drown her.

Instead, she remembers her family downstairs, and _his_.

“We can’t.” She gasps, but her own words fail to stop her fingers from clutching weakly at his collar, sliding beneath it when the temptation to feel his bare skin on her fingertips calls to her.

He shudders out a breath, scalding and flushing against her lips. He gentles the intensity of his mouth’s work, his kisses becoming more tender as it whispers over her lips.

“I’m not going back to pretending like this isn’t there between us.” He husks, his grip on her easing while he slowly drags his fingertips down her throat. “Not after this.”

“Blake.”

The brush of his mouth over hers comes unexpectedly, and it has her sinking back into the cove of his body. She braces her hands against the muscles of his biceps, keeping herself up. This kiss is different this time, softer, more seductive. She sighs while accepting his tongue back inside her mouth, the feeling too good to let go of. Though his touches are sweeter, he still devours her with a passion that leaves her limp and useless. Her heart is pumping too hard while her lungs strain for oxygen, and it causes her to whimper in his mouth.

He suddenly draws back from her lips, the sharp pant of his breathing matching her own.

“Just so you know, someone who doesn’t feel the same way wouldn’t kiss back like _that_.”

She swallows hard and forces her legs to hold as she straightens from the boneless position against him. Her hands slip down to rest against his chest.

“Someone who feels the same way?” She whispers hoarsely. “What exactly do you feel for me, Blake? Cause from where I’m standing you’re just— “

“Blake, you’re up here man?”

His brother in law’s voice comes up from down the stairs, Blake immediately taking a few steps away from her. He turns to look at Mike who’s now halfway coming up the stairs and she takes a few deep breathes as she realizes she’s still out of view. She makes no move to change that either, and instead hopes Blake manages to get them both down unseen.

“Yeah, I just needed to make a quick phone call.” Blake lies with an ease that scares her a little, his eyes never once looking back at her—and though she understands it’s so he wouldn’t tip his brother in law off about the company he keeps, it still hurts.

“Think it’s time to lit these coals? The girls are getting hungry.”

Blake nods before letting his smile take over his whole face. He walks down the stairs without hesitation, meeting Mike in the middle. She can’t see the ordeal from where she’s still pressed against the wall, but she can envision how Blake’s arm rests on Mike’s shoulder affectionately; the same arms that had her pressed against him only a few minutes ago.

She flutters her eyes shut with the reality of it, realizing there’s no coming back from this.

She bites down the bitter feeling at being left here like he didn’t just kiss the life out of her, like he didn’t just feel the arousal of her body pressed against his. Shaking her head, she wills the images of Blake leaving her here without a word, out of her mind.

Knowing she needs to join the people back out in the yard at some point, she takes only another minute to compose herself. Left to her own devices, her lips still subtly swollen, she goes over the moment she laid eyes on him for the first time.

Perhaps it was always written in the stars, that nothing would ever be the same again. Perhaps this moment right here had always been inevitable.


	5. Chapter 5

She’s not comfortable with her kids this close to the grill, and so when Zuma and Apollo start getting restless and annoyed at each other, she demands they both sit down. It’s a good distraction for her to be busy with them, her mom-mode the most confident one. It’s great to have her brother there to help out though, not having enough hands to tend to all her children, especially when they become hard to handle.

The weather is still in their favour, the sun undeniably less prominent, but the gentle breeze that came with the impending of dawn was equally as pleasant. The smell of grilled meat and the sounds of laughter were all around her, and if she wasn’t so damned hurt, she might’ve been able to enjoy it.

Her brother had noticed something was up the moment she stepped outside again, after taking a few more minutes to recover from the impromptu make out with Blake. She’d shot him down with a look that said ‘not now’, and he’d dropped it for the time being. It’s impossible to miss the way his gaze keeps lingering on her and she feels bad for not easing her brother’s worries immediately.

She just doesn’t think she can talk about it yet. Especially not when she’s still at _his_ place.

Blake kept his distance from her too, and it killed her not to know whether that’s because he regretted what happened suddenly or because he thinks that’s what she must want.

The night goes by agonizingly slow, the realization of how affected she is hitting her every single minute. She can barely hold a conversation, her focus drifting in and out. The only people who are able to get her unwavering attention are her kids, and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be for her.

When Kingston starts hanging out with Blake a bit, standing too far away for her to be able to hear what they’re talking about, she’s tempted to rush them all out of there. It’s not fair to her kids to let her own personal feelings come in between the relationship they managed to develop with their neighbour, but damnit if it isn’t the hardest thing to do.

“They seem to really get along.”

She recognizes Endy’s voice immediately, snapping her head towards the kind woman.

She smiles a bit pained. “Has he always been this good with kids?”

Endy’s eyes light up with a certain spark that doesn’t go unnoticed.

“He’s great with kids, yeah. He’s great with people in general.”

Gwen refrains from huffing in protest, not knowing much about him, but having realized quickly that his tact and subtlety are seriously lacking.

“You don’t agree.” Endy muses amusingly.

Gwen’s eyes widen as she realizes how her face must’ve portrayed what she didn’t want to verbalize. She’s surprised to see amusement on his sister’s face, instead of expected anger.

“I don’t know him that well.” Gwen says softly, looking at Blake and Kingston standing on the side, deep in conversation. “But the kids are in love with him.”

It’s quiet for a few moments, glaring over the property that’s become such a pivotal part of her children’s lives.

“I think it brought back a certain spark in his eyes.” Endy admits softly, her own eyes filling a bit. “Thank you for giving him that.”

Gwen squints her eyes, unsure if she’s deserving of the compliment.

“Oh no, I didn’t…” Gwen’s voice trails off as she’s in the process of rejecting his sister’s words, but she’s effectively cut off.

“Maybe not on purpose.” Endy finishes for her. “But getting to hang out with them, and not just the kids in his family, has done wonders for him. Even if he doesn’t admit it out loud.”

Gwen’s always known that Blake was a complex human, feeling like she hadn’t even cracked a tiny percentage of what’s pooling beneath the surface. Endy’s words make her both intrigued and terrified; feeling incredibly shaky at how little she actually knows about Blake and how much more there is yet to discover.

“His divorce….it was a bad one?”

Gwen finds her voice cracking a bit as she forces the question out. Her chest expanding as she inhales deeply.

“It’s probably not my place to say.” Endy says a bit pained, her expression still soft.

It’s ironic almost, how much his sister’s words and expressions contradict each other.

“I get it.”

“Let’s just say it was bad enough for him to come out here and cut everyone else off. We haven’t seen him in months.”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her breath hitching.

“Oh my god, I didn’t know.”

Endy smiles softly. “You couldn’t have. It’s okay, I’m glad we’re here now. We’re just worried sick when he’s out here and doesn’t talk to anyone, you know? He has a tendency of taking things a little too far and we just want to know if he’s okay.”

“ _I_ …...” Gwen shakes her head, not sure how to proceed from here. “You said he has a tendency of taking things too far…. what do you mean with that?”

His sister bites her lip, regret flashing across her features as she realizes she just let that slip. Gwen can tell she’s ready to dismiss it, tell Gwen off, but she won’t let her—not this time.

“Endy, please.” Gwen’s voice is barely a whisper, her throat dry. “I leave him around my kids unsupervised sometimes—if there’s anything I should know about, please tell me.”

“Oh, no, no Gwen, he would _never_ put them in harms ways.” Endy’s voice gains a bit more strength again, her eyes unwavering as they hold Gwen’s gaze. “He goes off the grid sometimes, doesn’t really let people in on where the hell he’s going. All I know is that he alienates himself from time to time and usually comes back looking like he hasn’t slept in weeks.”

Gwen tries to disguise the worry that fills her up from the inside, but Endy’s sympathetic gaze tells her she’s not doing a very good job.

“How long has this been going on?” Gwen whispers.

“About three months, right after the divorce.”

Things suddenly start making a bit more sense; the number of times she’s witnessed him driving his truck out of his property before midnight and not seeing him come back until later in the afternoon the next day, or the way she witnessed him yesterday—even the way he dismissed her today, after she finally allowed him to get close to her.

Blake’s a man of passion. He’s not one of commitment.

“I’m sorry.” She hears Endy say after a while. “I shouldn’t have unleashed all of this on you. It just feels good to talk about it with someone who knows him, you know?”

She’s past the point of hearing exactly what the woman is saying, her heart and mind in a painful tug of war.

“No, don’t be sorry.” Gwen replies softly, inhaling deeply. “I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know him as well as you think I do.”

Endy smiles sympathetically. “Good enough for you to let him hang out with your kids?”

Gwen grimaces. “It’s complicated.”

“Everything always is, right?”

She smiles gently, swallowing roughly. “Yeah, you can say that.”

“Look, all I can tell you is that my brother is a complicated person but he’s not a liar. He can’t fake shit, and that look he gives you, that’s real.”

Gwen feels her chest expanding, her heartbeat vibrating throughout her whole body. She wonders what Endy would think about the whole situation if only she could get herself to talk about it, if only she could put his sister on some truth.

“Endy, _I_ — “

Her sentence is cut off by an all too familiar sound, Apollo’s cries making her turn her head immediately. She lets her eyes scan over the area she thinks the sound is coming from and finds her youngest walking towards her slowly, holding his knee with one hand. She can’t see much from where she’s standing, but the tear in his fabric is noticeably there.

She excuses herself from the conversation with Endy, meeting Apollo in the middle before crouching down in front of him.

“What happened, baby?” She coos, wincing as he grabs on to her too tightly in his search for comfort.

“Leo pushed me.” The toddler nearly screams as her hand softly cups the side of his face.

“Where are they now?” Gwen asks softly, lifting back into a standing position and lifting Apollo in her arms.

Her youngest seems beyond uninterested and eventually mutters an ‘I don’t know’, causing Gwen to look for herself. She eventually finds all the kids playing on the left side of the patio, giggling as they play catch with Betty. She smiles to herself and nudges Apollo gently, her eyes falling down onto his scraped knee.

“How about we go ask Blake and see if he has a band aid?”

Apollo hides his face into her shoulder and keeps whining, causing her to rub his back in slow circles. If there’s anything she’s not excited about, it’s having to face Blake again, but she knows there’s no excuse to being selfish when it comes to one of her kids.

She walks back into Blake’s large property, finding the living room empty. She sighs softly, lowering Apollo down onto the counter as she quickly washes her hands.

“Mommy, I wanna go back and play.”

She smiles softly, placing a gentle kiss on her baby’s forehead. “I know, bubs. It won’t take long, okay? I promise.”

The universe seems to finally grant her something, because it’s two seconds later before Blake walks back inside and his eyes fall on the two people in his kitchen. His demeanour changes immediately, the presence of Gwen’s youngest making him soften up.

“What’s going on here?” He asks sweetly, walking up to them.

“We got a little emergency.” She responds while keeping her eyes locked with Apollo. “Do you maybe have a first aid kit?”

Blake nods quickly, gesturing for them to stay put as he makes his way out of the kitchen. She waits it out for a while, playing with Apollo’s curls as she shushes him with soft and comforting words. Her hand moves down to his little leg, her fingers assessing the damage of his pants, washing some of the sand around his scratched skin away.

“Shhhh, it’s okay baby.” She says softly when Apollo starts to try and wiggle out of her grasp.

Blake comes back into the kitchen next, placing the first aid kit on the counter next to them and revealing a colourful band aid and some disinfecting ointment.

“What happened, buddy?” Blake asks gently, silently asking for permission from Gwen as he holds up the medical supplies.

She nods softly while continuing to play with her son’s hairs, looking at Blake as he tends to Apollo’s knees gently.

“We were playing with the dog.” Apollo says softly, wincing a little when Blake applies some of the ointment, scrunching his little face when the burn hits a little. “It was my turn to throw the toy and Leo pushed me.”

Gwen tries to hold in the chuckle that wants to escape her mouth, the way Apollo tells the story feeling so innocent it’s beyond endearing.

She can tell Blake is thinking the same thing, her stomach filling up with butterflies when he looks at her gently and smiles.

“Betty is lucky to have you guys over here; she loves to play.” Blake chimes in softly, apologizing when Apollo winces again. “Plus, she’s extra sweet to little kids who’ve just gotten hurt, so you win.”

Apollo giggles at Blake’s words, letting him apply the band aid without much of a hassle. It still confuses her how good Blake is with her children; how natural it seems for him to comfort people. She can’t understand how it’s so hard for him to be the same way with her, and how easy it seems for him to dismiss her.

Just like that, she’s reminded of how he literally had her pressed against a wall today and managed to say exactly zero words about it afterwards. Anger spreads through her chest and she’s relieved when Blake gets done with attending to her son.

“All done.” Blake exclaims, shutting the first aid kit and turning his head to the little guy. “You’re a trooper, little buddy.”

Apollo claps his hands excitedly, his eyes pleading with Gwen immediately before verbally expressing his wish.

“Mom, can I go back now? I _wansta_ play.”

Gwen chuckles lowly, helping Apollo off the counter and back on the ground.

“Be careful.” She says gently, biting her lip when her youngest walks back out of the kitchen and stumbles a bit clumsily towards the large glass doors.

She keeps her eye on him until she can see him reunite with her other children outside. It takes a while for her to turn around, knowing Blake’s still right there. Not feeling like talking to him now, she keeps her gaze away from him and attempts at pushing passed him in a hurry.

“Gwen.” He calls for her softly, repeating himself when she pretends not to hear.

“Not now.” She brushes off, holding her hand up like it’s somehow supposed to stop him.

He’s in front of her instantly, his features hardening again.

“Hey, wait a damn second.”

Blake’s voice lacks any patience he could possibly have for her, and she’s taken aback by how brittle it sounds.

“ _Now_ you wanna talk?” She breathes, her head shaking. “I want to go home, Blake. I’m tired.”

She’s out of luck though, because Blake doesn’t budge. She knows she could push passed him if she really wants to, but she doesn’t want to make a scene, especially not with both their families walking around somewhere.

“You don’t think this is something we should talk about?” He asks pointedly, his eyes boring into hers, daringly.

“You left me.” She hisses quietly, anger quickly taking over. “You just left without a word and didn’t say anything to me until now. What the hell was that about?”

His fingers dig into the space at the base of his nose, a frustrated sigh leaving his lips.

“I figured it was the best way to not look suspicious.”

“It was the best way for you to come across as a jerk.”

“Listen to me…” His hand reaches out for her arm, but she shakes it off quickly.

“Not here. Anyone can walk in on us here.”

She keeps a respectable distance between them, her gaze lowered to the ground. She hasn’t been in his house much, and the only time she’d been in his kitchen was when she came in here to ask him for directions to his bathroom.

The place feels cold now, the vulnerability and the nerves of having this conversation so out in the open, making her feel incredibly exposed.

“Can you just talk to me, Gwen? For once, just say what’s on your mind.”

She folds her arms aggressively, fixing him with a disbelieving look.

“You said you didn’t want to go back to pretending like this wasn’t here between us, but the way you acted afterwards showed the exact opposite. I can’t do this with you.”

“Can’t do what?” He pushes, his eyes fixated on her.

“Be a pawn in this macho play you’ve got going on.” She replies quickly, her tone harsh and emotionless. “I know guys like you and I just won’t do it. Not again.”

“Don’t do that.” He mutters under his breath, his eyes darkening.

She’s aware she hit a nerve and there’s a part of her that feels bad about comparing him to everything she despises. There’s no way she’s gonna backtrack though, and her eyes start darting around to contemplate her easiest escape.

Blake follows her gaze and steps in front of her effectively, his arm leaning on the kitchen counter.

“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me where the hell this is coming from.”

She snorts. “Well, that’s ironic since you’re the one who acted like a completely different person _after_ you pushed me up against a wall.”

“You didn’t exactly complain, Gwen.”

She glares at him angrily. “I told you it would be a mistake. I told you— “

“—You kissed me back. You can’t possibly stand here and tell me you didn’t want it just as badly as I did.” His voice becomes a quiet and resigned thing. “You still do.”

She shakes her head, making a move to walk around him but he just follows her until he’s right back blocking her.

“Blake, get the hell out of my way.”

She huffs an annoyed sigh, both at him for his stubbornness and herself for again finding herself slightly turned on by his proximity and persistence.

“You’re playing with me.” He accuses her harshly, his eyes having this fiery glance that slightly intimidates her. “You’re trying to change this around on me, but the only one who’s toying with emotions here is you.”

She doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry at his accusation, hearing Endy’s words ringing around in her brain.

 

_He alienates himself from time to time._

 

_He has a tendency of taking things too far._

 

_We haven’t seen him in months._

 

She has to reminds herself that this is what Blake does; he chases, but he doesn’t stay. He likes her, but he’ll never love her.

“I’m not—I’ve been honest with you; I’m just confused about all of this.”

For the first time since they started this conversation, he looks at her, _truly_ looks at her, and she takes in the pain in his eyes that’s strangely similar to her own.

“Stop being so scared.”

His words hit her like a punch to the gut, and the pain spreads through her chest right to her heart.

“What do you want me to do, Blake? I barely know you, you barely know me! This is ridiculous.”

“Get to know me then.” He retorts, unimpressed.

She admires how much strength he exudes in this moment, knowing full well that this isn’t Blake’s comfort zone either—especially not now. It also surprises her how sincere he sounds when he tells her she should get to know him, realizing there’s quite some baggage to unpack.

Telling her to take the time to learn him, almost a promise of some sorts.

Remembering Endy’s words though, she can’t let this sight of him detour her from the truth; they’re too damaged and she can’t be the one responsible for eventually breaking a heart that’s already on the verge of shattering into an abyss of nothingness.

“What happened between us…. It didn’t mean anything.” She whispers, feeling her emotions rise to the surface. “It won’t ever mean anything; this can’t happen again.”

She watches his hand on the counter ball up into a fist, the skin on his palm turning white. She turns her gaze away, too much of a coward to witness the emotions she’s evoking within him.

“It didn’t mean anything.” He repeats icily, the bitterness seeping back into his voice, hardening his features. His eyes gather clouds and rainfall, the release of it something that she’s not ready for. “Get out.”

Her eyes widen. “What?”

“Get the hell out, Gwen.”

She feels her throat closing up, her chest constricting at hearing him tell her to leave. She knows him choosing this course of action is completely justified, but she can’t help but feel like he just knocked the wind out of her.

“ _Blake_ …”

He steps closer to her, his jaw locking. “Get. Out.”

He just glares at her, eyes heavy, barely-masked pain swirling in their cobalt depths. She inhales deeply, shuddering out a breath before nodding. He steps aside to clear her pathway, and she can’t help but tear up when she walks out of his kitchen.

The air is cold suddenly when she walks outside again. She doesn’t get a single second to regroup, as her oldest immediately approaches her, a knowing look on his face.

“Mom, I’ve been looking for you.”

“I’m sorry, I…. we need to go.”

If there’s one thing she doesn’t want to do, it’s worry her kids. They’ve been through enough drama without adding this juvenile kind of spectacle into their lives.

“But mom, Blake promised me he’d finish his story before I’d leave.”

Her mind flashes back to when she witnessed Blake and Kingston talk earlier in the evening, and though she’s tempted to ask what the story was about, she swallows it all down.

“We’re leaving, let’s get your brothers.” She holds Kingston’s gaze for a while, seeing anger and confusion pool in his irises. “ _Now_.” She adds.

Kingston huffs out a breath, lowering his gaze to the floor before walking out in front of her. Her eyes are burning painfully so, feeling like she’s hanging on by a thin thread.

She’s barely able to look Blake’s sister in the eye when they say their goodbyes, her voice sounding incredibly hoarse as she tries to thank everyone for their hospitality. Luckily, no one calls her out on it, and Todd and Jen are too busy with their own kids to truly notice the way Gwen’s eyes lost a bit of shine after tonight.

She’s sure Todd will notice in the morning.

Her heart begins thudding painfully hard against her chest when Blake walks out again, his face frustratingly neutral. She’s not surprised when he goes to Todd and Jen first, the way he managed to turn Todd’s perspective on him around, truly remarkable. It takes the two men almost five minutes to untangle from their hug, and she wonders how it’s possible for a man like Blake to so easily enamour everyone he meets.

When Blake and her kids say goodbye, she must look away. She doesn’t want to see the look of complete admiration on their faces, or the way Apollo is already begging for Blake to pick him up and ruffle his hairs.

Throughout it all, Blake doesn’t look at her once. He keeps his gaze efficiently away from her, smiling like he means it to everyone else.

She’s hit with how much she wants him to look at her, for him to tell her they’re okay, even though she pretended not to care. He doesn’t grant her any of that though, and when it becomes clear he’s not going to give her anything either, she forces her legs into action.

She looks back at him one more time, pleading with her eyes for him to look at her.

He doesn’t.

“Gwen, you okay?” Todd’s voice hits her ear unexpectedly, and she jumps a little.

“Yeah.” She breathes, unable to look at him. “Just tired.”

She bites back every single thought that’s circling her head, pushing against her lips as it so desperately wants to be let out. She knows she can’t though; none of what she’s feeling can ever make its way out, as it would only destroy the last bit of sanity she has left.

 

 

He likes her, but he’ll never love her.


	6. Chapter 6

She smiles at her boys in the water. The sound of splashing water, beach balls being tossed around and the high-pitched screams of joy fill her ears. Apparently, Mike and Endy were experts on water games, and her kids had soon adapted everything there was to know about it. From the sounds of it, things are getting heated between the children, and she’s temped to call out Kingston when she overhears him cursing. She thinks better of it though, cause she’s tired and way too comfortable in her current position.

With none of the kids on the boat, and Mike and Endy having decided to stay back at Blake’s place, there’s enough space for her to lay on the upper deck, catching every ounce of sun that huge orange ball is willing to give her.

It feels great to not have to think about anything for the time being. The boat had been floating for the last thirty minutes, before Blake made sure all the kids had their turn at pushing the throttle. His sweet voice as he instructed them to push the throttle in short, controlled bursts plays like background music in her head. Eventually he’d given up on that part and just advised them to take the steering wheel for a little bit, and she’d smiled at the quick judgement call he made. He hadn’t said much to her, which had been slightly awkward since they’re the only two adults on the boat. She’d considered staying behind as well, but Blake had looked after her kids too often already and she felt a responsibility to know what they were up to whenever he took them on his boat.

Blake’s been on the stern of the boat ever since halting the motor. She’d observed for a while as he looked over at the kids in the water, and she’s still confused as to why he doesn’t have any children of his own. She’s more than aware that some people just aren’t meant to be a father, but Blake couldn’t be further removed from that list.

The way her youngest hasn’t left his side since boarding the cosy Pontoon showed her as much. She’d felt bad initially when Apollo had refused to join her as she moved to the front of the boat to sunbathe, but Blake quickly waved off her objections. Though she trusts Blake’s abilities to look after them for a while, she can’t help but look over her shoulders sometimes. Apollo is still on Blake’s lap, entranced with whatever Blake’s showing him.

She lays back down in nothing but her Daisy Dukes and bikini top, enjoying the summer heat. She can feel the nearly tropical air with each inhalation, liking the way her chest starts slightly perspiring. Small gusts of wind blow past her, her skin softly shivering before returning to its warm state. If it weren’t for the kids playing on her side of the boat, she would’ve been able to let the sun lull her into sleep.

The sudden extra heat she feels, doesn’t come from the sun though. It’s crazy how in tune she is with him, even when she doesn’t necessarily want to be. She moves her head to the left just a little bit, just enough to catch Blake’s gaze on her. Some people would call it less than subtle, the way she laid down in the center of his viewpoint. The boat isn’t as large as everything else Blake seems to own, so she excuses her placement to not enough space and wanting to be where the sun hits the hardest.

If that happens to be only a few feet away from Blake, in the center of his view, so be it.

She’s surprised when Blake doesn’t immediately drop his gaze when she catches him. He’s been brazen with her before, but he’s been significantly less flirtatious with her ever since that BBQ. It’s been a rough awakening to realize she missed it. The tension that lingered between them still was cut short by him most times, whether he excused himself from the situation or distracted them with something else, he would never let the moment just be.

She wanted him to just let them be.

It’s not fair to him, she knows that too. She was the one who told him it could never happen again, that they needed to remind themselves of the realty of the situation and not get carried away in juvenile type feelings. She’d regretted the moment she’d said the words, Blake’s gaze imprinted in her mind forever. He was angry, that much was clear by the way he demanded she’d leave.

He’s nicer to her now in a way, never pushing anymore, always keeping the conversations comfortable and it made her uncomfortable to think how out of character he’s being with her—the whole playful side to him shut off, a whole part of his being made off limits to her.

She lets out a huge sigh when Blake finally breaks their gaze, her eyes closing. A small voice in her mind tells her not to, but she can’t help but feel slightly validated at the lust she saw pooling in his eyes before he tore his eyes away from her.

There’s no doubt in her mind she’s going insane when she feels anger well up inside her. Blake had been so straightforward with her before, not having swept his attraction for her under the rug at all, and now he’d just completely withdrawn from her. Without much of a fight.

Her sun-kissed arm stretches above her body then, arching just a little bit, smirking when she realizes the movement caught his eye again. She feels the shiver that radiates from deep within her when he once again lets his eyes linger on her body. She pretends not to catch him this time, not ready for him to break away just yet. It’s damn near comical the way she shifts her body on her side, her lower lip caught between her lips. It’s not like her to be this obvious at all, but with the newfound position it’s impossible _not_ to meet his gaze.

The sun is still shining down brightly on her face, and she doesn’t fight the urge to get more of it this time. She tips her head back just slightly, exposing the skin of her neck. She remembers how Blake’s lips had felt there before, kissing and nibbling at the sensitive skin.

“You wanna go back to the house?”

It takes her a while to realize Blake’s talking again and it takes her even longer to realize he’s talking to _her_.

She shifts her head so she can look at him again, shaking her head softly.

“Not necessarily.”

She watches him nod softly, smiling at Apollo when he makes a sound of protest too.

“You should probably ask the kids, though.” She adds, her voice a tad hoarse. “They’ve been in the water for quite a long time, they might get tired of it soon.”

Realizing Blake has his hands full with her youngest, she forces herself up into a sitting position and carefully slides to the edge of the boat. When she looks down at the children still playing, she wonders how in the world they have the kind of energy that they do. Although none of them are interested in going home just yet, they do exit the water and join them back on the boat. Her moment of peace _and_ teasing has been interrupted, but she’s all smiles when she wraps her own kids and Blake’s nephew and niece up in some towels, moving towards the cooler in the back to retrieve some drinks.

“You want anything?” She asks softly, looking at Blake.

He contemplates for a moment before nodding. She makes sure the kids are good first, handing them a soda of their choosing. When she hands Blake a small can of Sprite she decides to lean over Apollo a little to hand it, instead of walking around to his side. The position gives him a shameless view and she almost misses the small groan that his lip bite can’t contain. _Almost_.

“Thank you.” He murmurs lowly, breaking their eye contact and she smiles proudly at herself.

She doesn’t know what’s gotten into her, but it’s been so long since she felt a positive attraction to someone, and there’s no denying her ego took a big hit at how easy it was for Blake to back off, dismissing her completely.

“You’re welcome.” She murmurs, grateful for the fact all the children have taken most of the space on the boat and she’s somewhat forced to sit down close to him. “Looks like you’ve made quite the impression.”

Her voice trails off while letting her gaze wander to Apollo, who’s still clinging onto Blake’s side and can’t keep the fascination out of his eyes as he watches the tall cowboy behind the small wheel.

Blake’s eyes cast down, showing a soft smile on his lips that disappears way too quickly.

“You wanna take him?”

She shakes her head softly. “No, I kinda like the way it looks. Your nurturing side looks good on you.”

She watches him sigh more than she hears it, his eyes growing darker.

“Gwen…”

“He usually doesn’t take to people this easily.” She says, ignoring his little outburst. “But he literally hasn’t left your side yet.”

Blake remains quiet, his eyes avoiding hers. It’s more than a little painful to notice, but the way he ruffles Apollo’s hair and caresses his little shoulder makes up for ninety percent of it.

She knows she’ll be over analysing this later, unsure whether Blake getting this close to her children is a good thing, but for right now, this is exactly what she needs.

“You wanna help me steer the boat around, buddy? You think you can do that?”

Blake’s soft voice is addressing Apollo, but it’s Gwen who swoons.

Her youngest claps his hands excitedly, his eyes sparkling with so much enthusiasm it almost makes her emotional. She’s sad to see Blake cut their time on the water short though, and if her kids weren’t all so close by she probably would’ve voiced her disappointment. Instead she watches as Blake covers Apollo’s hands on the wheel and listens as Blake speaks soft encouragements to her youngest.

She swallows roughly, taking a sip of the soda in her hands.

“Blake, are we sleeping over?”

Her eyes soften at the sound of Blake’s nephew addressing him, the hopeful tone in which he just asked that question making her feel strangely sympathetic to the child.

“I don’t know, buddy.” Blake answers sweetly, his eyes searching for the little boy across from him. “You gotta ask your mom and dad, but you know you guys are always welcome.”

She narrows her eyes, remembering Endy’s words from nearly a week ago. She’s still shocked to find out Blake doesn’t see his family that often, never would’ve guessed that from the way he is with her children—if anything, she envisioned Blake to be a real family man.

“You know you don’t have to turn back around for me, right?” Gwen asks softly, making sure he’s the only one who can hear. She suddenly feels bad for possibly being the reason the kids are about to get their time with Blake cut short.

He doesn’t look at her when he answers. “It’s not about you.”

“What is it about then?” She pushes, keeping her eyes locked on the side of his face.

“I’m tired, Gwen.”

She swallows roughly, nodding her head. “I just don’t want to be the reason you stop doing what you like to do, and I know you like being out here on the water.”

He finally turns his face to look at her, his features toughening up again and she tries desperately to remember the way he looked while addressing Apollo and Ryan earlier.

“It ain’t about you, Gwen. It stopped being about you ever since last week.”

She looks as if someone just smacked her in the face, her chest rising. She nods as she lets his words sink in, her fingertips reaching out to stroke through Apollo’s curls. If it weren’t for Apollo’s ongoing fascination with the boat as he’s still in between Blake’s legs— supposedly driving the boat, she would’ve taken him with her. Instead, she gets up slowly, forcing a small smile on her face as she makes her way back to the front of the boat.

The sun is still shining down on her, even now, but she struggles with enjoying the way it feels. She closes her eyes, focusing on the chatter going on between the kids behind her, and trying to forget the way Blake sounded only a minute ago.

She knows she hurt him badly that night in his kitchen, but she doesn’t think he’s aware of how much _she’s_ hurt by this whole thing too. She doesn’t think he understands exactly how much she wishes things were different.

How much she wishes _she_ was.

 

*

 

“Do you think it’s possible for things to ever go back to how they were before?”

Her lungs start hurting with how hard it becomes to draw breath, her swallow rough and painful as it glides down her throat. Her eyes fixate on Kingston who’s standing so closely next to her, he only had to whisper the question for her to hear. And she heard it loud and clear.

“Baby…” She sighs, turning into him and grabbing his hand. “I know things have been hard and different…. I wish I could tell you it wouldn’t take a while to get used to things.”

It takes a while for her oldest to formulate a reply, and every second that passes intensifies the hurt she feels in her chest.

“It’s just....” Kingston shakes his head as if the words on the tip of his tongue don’t deserve to be spoken and Gwen wishes she could just rip that thought straight out of him. “Everything is so different, you know? And everyone is sad and I know Zuma misses dad, but I don’t know….is it okay to be happy? Cause I kinda like it here.”

It’s crazy how Gwen doesn’t think she’s ever heard something that made her this happy while simultaneously heartbroken. There’s so much she wants to say to Kingston, but there’s so very little that matters in this moment.

“Listen to me.” Her voice drips with conviction, her eyes conveying exactly the same. “You’re allowed to feel whatever it is that you feel. There are no rules on how to deal with all of this and if you’re happy here, that’s all that matters to me.”

“I know it’s only been a month, but I don’t want to leave this place.”

His voice sounds so much younger when he gets a bit needy like this, and it overwhelms Gwen with the urge to wrap him up and protect him from all the harm in the world. It scares her to realize she’s unable to do so.

She does what comes the most natural to her though and pulls him into her with her right arm, pushing him firmly against her chest.

“Let’s not think about the end yet, okay?” She whispers softly against his head, pressing a kiss onto the crown of his head. “We’re going to enjoy the remaining time we’ve got here and you’re not gonna feel guilty about it for a second. Promise me that, King.”

She feels him nod against her, but he doesn’t say a word.

“You have no reason to feel guilty. None of this is your fault.”

“Are you happy here, mom?”

The question catches her off guard, unsure of how to answer him. She holds on to him a bit tighter, forgetting about her surroundings and how she’s once again on Blake’s ground, the sound of her other children running freely along his property acting as background noise.

“Yes I am, baby.” She whispers eventually, her voice breaking. “It makes me super happy to see you and your brothers enjoying it here.”

She would tell him that she’s happy to be here for herself too, but her impending conflicting feelings for Blake make it undeniably harder to enjoy herself. Her kids have been through enough; she won’t add her lying to them to the list.

“Blake told me that sometimes being happy means you’ve got to be selfish.”

Kingston’s words stagger her completely, and she wonders if he can feel the way her heart just skipped a beat, by how hard she’s pressing him into her. She loosens her grip a little, using a gentle hand on his shoulder to create enough distance to look him in the eye.

“What are you talking about? When did he tell you that?”

She fights the urge to bombard him with a million questions, and by the way Kingston stumbles to scramble an answer together—he knows.

“The other day, at the BBQ.” Kingston replies a bit meekly. “I mean, I told him the same thing I’m telling you now and then he told me.”

“Told you what exactly?” Gwen pushes softly, making sure not to let the hardness she feels slip into her voice.

Kingston fidgets a bit, his eyes looking up at her. “He told me that he also went through a time where he felt bad about being happy, and the only way he got through it was by realizing that sometimes being selfish is a good thing—or something like that.”

“Or something like that…” Gwen whispers as she repeats Kingston, still dumbfounded.

“His brother.”

Gwen’s brows raise, confusion written all over her features. “What?”

“His brother died when he was young.” Kingston shares softly, his face turning a bit sour. “He said he wanted to make it, just to make his brother proud.”

Gwen feels lightheaded at all the information he’s sharing with her right now, and she’s even more taken aback by how Blake had chosen to share all this with Kingston, instead of her.

“And then he _did_ make it, mom.” Kingston says proudly, his lips curving up a little. “But he said he couldn’t feel happy about it, because every time he did, he’d feel guilty.”

Gwen nods, her throat dry. “Just like you do.”

Kingston looks at her in affirmation, his little body crashing into her again as he hugs her tightly around the waist.

“I like talking to Blake.”

She feels her eyes watering, closing them to prevent any of her tears to fall.

“I’m glad you do, sweetheart.” She chokes out, inhaling sharply.

“I love you.”

Despite the raging emotions going on within, she can’t help but smile at Kingston’s genuine words.

“I love you too baby, more than anything.”

She wishes she could hold on to him for the next few hours to come, but unfortunately for her, Kingston breaks out of their embrace after a while. She smiles when he looks up at her as if he’s checking to see if she’s good and she feels her heart warm at the sight. She also feels bad for slightly worrying him and knows that her reaction to hearing him talk about Blake probably didn’t do much to help.

“We’re eating at home this time, so don’t go too far.” She says sweetly, knowing exactly what he wants.

She laughs a soft sound when Kingston damn near runs off after having gotten her approval. She uses the opportunity of being on her own again to find Endy, loving how she feels like she’s gained a genuine friend out here, someone to count on. There’s no surprise when she finds the woman more than willing to keep an eye out on the kids for a few minutes, and when Endy finds out Gwen’s set on finding Blake, she gets an encouraging pat on the shoulder in response.

Blake’s not hard to find; he’s wherever she’s not.

She finds Blake on the back of his property, chucking pieces of wood to the side while carefully eying the pieces he keeps. He doesn’t seem to be aware of her presence right away and when he finally does notice, he doesn’t miss a beat.

She eventually clears her throat, carefully approaching him.

“Can we talk for a second?”

“Sure.” He says shortly, continuing with the task at hand. “Talk.”

She shakes her head. “Not here. Just walk with me.”

The words linger between them for a while, but he doesn’t grant her request with a response. He bents down to scoop up the chosen pieces of wood, but before he can lift them, her hand lands on his upper arm, stopping him effectively.

“Are you really gonna make me beg?”

He sighs deeply, dropping the contents in his hands and straightening his back. His eyes fall onto her again, his lip caught between his lip as he looks visibly conflicted.

“Fine.” He sighs, gesturing with his hand for her to start walking.

She walks unusually slowly, as if her brain was too focused on the sound of Blake’s footsteps on the grainy ground beneath them. It’s the first time she’s spending time with him alone, without the presence of others nearby, and it hits her unexpectedly hard.

“What did you wanna talk about?” His slow, soft voice asks.

She’s reminded of how this isn’t a casual get together for him, or something he’s doing cause he wants to—he’s doing her a favour, that’s it.

“You talked to Kingston.”

She looks up at him, his lips parting slightly as he looks anything but surprised to hear her bring it up.

“I didn’t mean to overstep.”

She shakes her head. “I wasn’t gonna scold you for it, Blake. I actually wanted to thank you.”

Blake’s steps become a bit less hurried, his gaze locking with hers. “Why?”

“He needed the conversation.” She says softly, thinking back on how small and insecure Kingston had looked as he confided in her. “He feels guilty for being happy here and he just needed someone to tell him it was okay. As much as I wished he’d come to me first, I’m glad you could do that for him.”

Blake’s eyes soften, nodding. “I didn’t really think about it. It just happened.”

“Telling him about your brother _just happened_?”

Blake halts his steps altogether, standing still as his gaze is unwavering on her. She stands in front of him, suddenly feeling fired up.

“I didn’t plan on telling him all that, if that’s what you’re asking.”

She huffs, her hand raking through her hair in frustration.

“Blake, I’ve been trying to get something, _anything_ personal from you and I got zero.”

“Yeah, well I’m sorry Gwen, but at least Kingston doesn’t change his mind on the drop of a dime on whether he likes me or not.”

Gwen looks down to her feet, a tear finally making its way down. When she looks up again Blake seems a bit shocked by her openly emotional reaction.

“I want to be friends.” She whispers, hating how the words sound while she speaks them out loud. “I want to get to know you.”

“Really?” He pushes and she can see where this is going immediately. “Cause when I uttered that idea the last time, you told me it wasn’t worth it.”

She bites her lip hard enough to draw blood, wincing. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

“Tell me what I can do, Blake.” She almost pleads, feeling utterly overwhelmed.

Blake shakes his head, his hand rubbing along his mouth and chin.

“I don’t know.” He sighs, his eyes darkening suddenly as he walks closer to her. “You got in my damn head and it’s messing me up, Gwen.”

She breathes heavily, holding her ground as he stands closer to her.

“You’re in my head too. I wouldn’t be standing here, asking for you to please talk to me if you weren’t.”

He shakes his head, growing agitated. “I don’t know what to do with that.”

Her hand reaches for his cheek, and she’s surprised when he doesn’t back away from her touch. The short stubble is rough beneath her fingertips, yet she can’t help but stroke her thumb along the rugged surface.

“You were asking things from me that I just couldn’t give—I still can’t.” She whispers, ignoring the sting behind her eyes. “Not as long as you keep treating me like a stranger.”

“How am I supposed to let you in, Gwen? You kiss me back and then tell me you considered it a mistake. You tell me to leave you alone and I do, only for you to flirt with me all day today. You’re confusing as hell and you know it.”

The soft voice in which he speaks to her, for some reason makes the words hit that much harder.

“You scare me when you act like this.” Gwen admits softly, unable to keep their gaze locked and her hand falls back to her side, immediately missing the feeling of his skin underneath her fingers. “You scare me when you show me you like me and then so easily treat me like I mean nothing to you. I like you, but….” She swallows roughly. “You scare me.”

Her words cause him to fall quiet, but something in his eyes tell her he has plenty to say.

“I scare _you_?” He retorts.

“Not to forget how easy it was for you to lie to Mike when he almost caught us making out.”

Blake’s eyes widen, his face riddled with hurt.

“What the hell did you expect me to do? You’d rather had me say ‘hey sorry I forgot about the food, I was too busy kissing my neighbour?”

She shakes her head, his words both confusing and infuriating.

“You could’ve at least told him you’d be downstairs in a minute; you didn’t even look at me, Blake. You just left me there like nothing had happened.”

He steps even closer to her, Gwen’s breath hitching as Blake seems to gain confidence again.

“So what are you _really_ angry about?” He cocks his head, and it’s almost maddening how he looks cocky now, out of all things. “You’re mad I lied to Mike or you’re mad because I left?”

“Both!” She exclaims desperately. “You can’t expect me to be sure about anything if lying and running is all you show me. If you can’t understand that….”

“Then what, Gwen?”

“Then I can’t—I can’t do this with you, not like this.”

His eyes narrow at her words, and she could cry at how far out of reach he appears when he looks at her like that.

She can feel him make her the enemy again before he even speaks another word; like she’d crossed some invisible line, offending his sensibilities.

“Well, Gwen...” The sound of his exhale is a hard, yet broken sound.

He makes sure to look her straight in the eye before he speaks again.

 

“...Then _don’t_.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update. Thank you to all who decided to leave a comment on the last chapter! Means the world as always.

Outside, the long shadows of the evening dissolved into the gathering darkness of the night time, and inside the household had quieted down completely. She hasn’t been sleeping much and she can’t remember the last time she felt truly at peace. Beyond exhausted, she counts her blessings when the kids go to bed without too much protest.

With the kids tired as well, it finally seems like she could get an early night.

She sighs softly, leaning her head back against the stacked pillows against her headboard. She stretches her arms, releasing the knots from her overstressed muscles.

She can’t help but think about Blake and how she hasn’t had a proper conversation with him in nearly two weeks. He’s been hanging out with her children less too, and it’s been a bitch trying to explain that to them. Part of her is angry at him for putting her in that position, and for abandoning the kids after getting them attached to him, but there’s also a part of her that understands why he’s unable to keep that going like nothing changed.

Everything changed.

Gwen had tried to talk to him about what happened, about what she said, but he made it clear not to be interested in anything else she had left to say. It had hurt her more than she thought it would—the rejection from Blake something she must add to her long list of failures.

There are moments where she thinks he’s struggling with his own rules, wanting nothing more but to break them. Like the times where Betty had run off towards her as she came back with groceries and it took for Blake to physically come get her. Or the time where her kids had asked Blake if he wanted to come over for dinner and she offered him no help when Blake had looked over to her pleadingly. She knows she’s playing dirty; she was the one to break things off in the first place, to tell him she didn’t care, and yet she let it be painfully clear she was missing his presence.

The tension-filled moments she shared with Blake were by no means satisfying, but for the time being it was enough to keep her going. If some nights she thinks about him wrapping her up, making the weight of the world shift off her for just a few sacred moments, so be it. If she thinks about how they could maybe spend some moments making the pain go away, and find ways to make their days a bit less miserable, that’s her good right.

Her phone ringing is what brings her back from her jumbled mess of thoughts, and her heart constrict painfully when she recognizes the number. If she weren’t the mother she was, she would’ve let it ring for sure.

“What do you want?”

His overly polished chuckle makes her want to scream, her shoulders tensing as the world feels like it comes crashing down on her.

“It’s nice to hear your voice again too, love.”

She rolls her eyes, her free hand playing with the white of her cotton sheets. “Gavin I’m serious, what’s up? Why are you calling me?”

“I need a favour.”

Ah, the most spoken sentence out of her ex-husband’s mouth.

“And what would that be?” She asks annoyed, shaking her head.

“I need you to let me have the kids for a week.”

Her throat dries up at his words, her breath staggering. This is not what they agreed on, but she can’t even be shocked at her ex-husband’s need to disrupt whatever agreement they came to.

“We talked about this.” She says hoarsely, her eyes filling. “We agreed that I could take them to the lake house for three months and they’d stay there consecutively, so they would have some stability, some time to come to terms with their new reality.”

“I know what we agreed on, Gwen.” Gavin snides impatiently. “There’s been a change of plans in my schedule though and if you don’t give me this week with them, I won’t be able to see them until nearly a month after you come back.”

She shakes her head, not believing what she’s hearing.

“You’re telling me you didn’t know about this before we left?”

“No, damnit Gwen, can you just work with me for once?”

Her fist clenches around a handful of bed sheets. “They like it here; they can’t just be yanked from every place they find stability. The kids aren’t pawns in your game to hurt me.”

“Oh get over yourself.” He huffs, the sound a painfully familiar one. “I’m not doing this to hurt you. I couldn’t reschedule this thing, _trust_ me, I tried.”

“That’s the problem Gavin---I _don’t_ trust you.”

“Quite frankly, I don’t give a shit about that, Gwen. Just tell me, are you going to keep these kids away from their dad because of your personal feelings against me?”

His words hit her deep in her gut, some of the tears she’s been fighting finding its way down her face, her free hand coming to wipe them away, aggressively.

“When do you plan on taking them?”

“The day after tomorrow. You can fly with them to LAX, and I’ll be there to take them off your hands.”

She wants to scream, hit something, anything to help get rid of these enraging feelings cutting her up from the inside.

“I don’t want you to ‘take them off my hands’.” She whispers, her voice breaking from all the overwhelming feelings she battles.

“They need both their parents. You know that.”

She huffs. “Where exactly have you been most of their life? I’ve been the one taking care of them from day one; you’ve always been too busy to spend time with your family, Gavin. You want to start showing up _now_?”

“You think you could’ve done this without me?” He shoots back, his voice lowering as she prepares for the verbal insults coming her way. “We both know you relied on me to do the heavy lifting when it came to disciplining the kids, and don’t pretend like you didn’t skip on reading them bedtime stories too so you could finalize deals or records.”

“I took a damn decade off.” She hisses, anger falling off her like waves. “I was there, I took care of my responsibilities business wise and still managed to never miss a game. Don’t talk to me about not being there.”

It’s silent for a few long seconds, the tension in her body feeling like it could split her in two.

“Whatever Gwen, I’m done arguing with you, it’s kind of the whole point of taking this ring off.”

She lets her eyes close, willing herself to take a few deep breathes.

“So do we have a deal? Will you bring the kids back to LA?”

She exhales shakily, wiping another stray tear from her face. “Fine, just one week. I’ll come pick them up from your place not a day later.”

“Whatever makes you happy.”

She wants to say that what would really make her happy, would make her the worst mom in the history of moms, so she opts to stay quiet. The disconnecting of the line is what finally lets her breathe again, her heart feeling like it’s got stomped on and then some.

She releases a stained sob, curling deeper into bed, taking what she can from the tangled pile of blankets and pillows. Her stomach feels like it’s knotted together, her eyes becoming more red and swollen with each passing second.

 

*

 

The ground beneath her feet feels unpleasantly hard, the sight of her lake house is undeniably less appealing, and the way her heart hurts at being the only one to walk up her property is enough to make her cry. It’s dark out already, the only sound she hears is the chirping of crickets and the soft hum of the wind blowing through her hair. It’s not until she closes the gate behind her that she realizes her hands are shaking, the tension in her face resulting in a hell of a headache.

It always hurts her to be faced with her ex-husband, but when she leaves without the kids it just doesn’t feel worth it. She changes into more comfortable clothing since going to see Gavin resulted in her taking about three hours to get ready, not willing to give him any more ammunition to hurt her with. She takes the pin out of her bun, causing her hair to fall messily over her shoulders and she traits her skin-tight jeans for some black yoga pants.

She searches her kitchen cabinets for the largest wine glass she can find, filling it as full as it can go, cradling the glass between her slim fingers. The way she sinks into the couch makes it look like she just had the longest day of her life, and she almost drowns in self-pity.

She never envisioned this to be her life; a forty-five divorcee, life turned into a Hollywood cliché because of her cheating ex-husband and simultaneously battling the worst and most intense crush of her life living next door.

Her gaze adjusts to the dimly lit room, the darkness from outside mixing perfectly with the low lighting in her living room. It’s almost dark enough for her to be unable to picture today’s events. Almost.

Gavin had been sneaky about his snide remarks and deep down she’s grateful for that. She’s able to take his poisonous words, but not when her children are there to bear witness. She was already grateful that he showed up on time, making it a little easier for her to say goodbye to her kids. She really wishes she wouldn’t have to share her custody with someone this unreliable, but that’s the choice she made way back, when she still thought she had a serious future with this guy.

Another wave of tears overtakes her when she remembers how Gavin had looked at her today; the difference from now to when they first met so astounding it kills her. She can’t blame him completely, because she now looks at him the same way. It’s just all so different from what she thought would be her life, and she can’t seem to come to terms with it.

She pours herself another glass, downing it way too quickly before going for a third and fourth refill. She eventually stops counting, the only indication of her needing to slow down is the empty bottle standing on her coffee table. She finds her way back into the kitchen, searching for anything else to drink and slamming both hands down on the counter when she comes up empty.

“Fuck.” She seethes, before lowering her head and watching a few more tears fall onto the marble kitchen counter.

After a few deep breathes, she pushes herself up and walks down the hallway, her mind made up all the sudden. She doesn’t bother with grabbing a coat, putting on her lazy sneakers and making sure she grabs her keys before heading out. If she hadn’t been this intoxicated, she might’ve freaked out about her appearance, but she’s too far gone to care.

Her feet bring her all the way to his patio, ignoring the way she fumbles on the last two steps. She always prided herself for having more dignity than this, and the last thing she wants to do is show up here and show him how broken she feels on the inside.

She tries to swallow down the wave of nausea as she realizes that’s exactly what she’s about to do.

The knocks on his door sound hollow and brisk, her breath catching as it takes him a few beats to open the door. His face looks less than amused at catching her on his doorstep, but she decides not to let it deter her. He’s dressed in jeans and a large black t-shirt, a backward baseball cap on his wild curls.

“What are you doing here?” He asks almost on a whisper.

She swallows roughly, using one of her hands to stabilize herself against his doorframe.

“I…. I don’t know, I just need….” She shakes her head, her mind a clouded mess. “The house is empty…. the kids are back in LA.”

It’s definitely not the first thing she planned on telling him, but apparently, it’s the only thing her mind can make sense of.

Blake looks at her incredulously, his gaze making her even more nervous.

“Gwen, are you drunk?”

His words sound laced with worry, though there’s an underlying hint of judgement that she finds beyond ironic, even in her intoxicated state.

“Please don’t tell me you’re gonna judge me for having a few too many…”

He sighs deeply, his knuckles turning white as he holds onto the doorknob, seemingly contemplating his decision before letting her in.

“You shouldn’t be here. You should be in bed, trying to sleep this off.”

She shakes her head again, following him into the living room and petting Betty as she runs back to her side. Normally she would give the dog more attention, but she can barely see straight and when Blake gestures for her to sit down on the couch, she can’t fight it for a second longer.

She lets her body fall against his cushions, enjoying the smell of Blake all over there.

“Why aren’t the kids with you?” Blake asks softly, sitting down next to her while allowing for there to be quite a bit of space between them. Too much if you ask her.

She chuckles dryly. “Let’s just say their father decided he wanted to play dad again.”

Blake shrugs. “You make that sound like it’s a bad thing.”

She looks at him quickly, her features hardening.

“It _is_ a bad thing.” She retorts angrily. “He can’t just come and go whenever he damn well pleases. It’s not fair to the kids and it’s not fair to me.”

She hates how Blake barely looks at her, keeping his eyes locked with everything else but her. It surprised her to see him actually let her in, as his eyes definitely showed no sign of wanting to.

“How long before they come back?”

She sighs. “A week.”

Blake nods, his eyes still looking straight ahead, never once wavering to her side.

“I’m sorry.”

She takes a deep breath, one hand unconsciously rising to her heart. “It just hurts so badly whenever they’re not with me, you know? I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have come here, I just—I couldn’t be alone.”

She feels the tide shift as he finally looks at her, his eyes softening a bit despite his still guarded demeanour.

“These kids love you and they know you love them, that’s all that matters. Nothing in this world can ever change that.”

Gwen curls her legs up underneath her, lowering her elbow on the head of the couch as she turns into him.

“Did you ever think about having kids, Blake?”

The question is out before she can do anything to stop it, Blake’s gaze once again breaks with hers, his lips curving up just a little bit.

“Yeah.” He speaks softly, lifting his head to meet her eyes again. “Plenty of times.”

“So, why didn’t you?”

His face turns a bit sour, a bitter smile coating his lips. “It takes two to tango.”

“She didn’t want kids?”

“She didn’t want a lot of things.”

She senses his discomfort about the subject, obviously giving her an abridged version of things, and she mentions it precisely.

“You don’t want to talk about it.”

He shakes his head, his voice steadier this time. “No. No, I don’t.”

It hurts her to realize how little has changed, and how much Blake is still committed to keeping her out and suddenly it’s just all too much. She needs something real, something good, something to help her hold on.

“Blake?” She whispers, moving her body so she’s sliding more closely towards him, closing the distance he purposefully kept between them.

She watches him tense up a little as she searches for some physical contact, not stopping until her shoulder is effectively leaning against his and her hand finds solace on his thigh.

“Gwen, what are you doing?”

“Hold me.” She whispers.

“Don’t.”

His voice, though it holds some volume, lacks all conviction.

“Please don’t push me away, Blake. Please, not now.”

Something about her voice must’ve been super convincing, because his hand finds hers on his thigh as he intertwines their fingers, his other arm coming around her to push her more firmly against him. Feeling his strong frame against her, holding her tightly as he keeps her steady, is enough for all her defences to come crumbling down. All the emotions from the last few days come crashing down and she’s helpless to do anything about the tears that start streaming down her face again.

Blake might be speaking to her, but she can’t be sure, not with the amount of emotions that come pouring out of her. She feels Blake’s hand rub against her upper arm, his mouth over her hair as he nuzzles against the top of her head. They stay like that for what feels like hours; another tear, another brush of his fingers. It’s not much, but it calms her more than anything she’s experienced in the last few months of her life.

“What can I do to make this better for you, Gwen?”

It’s the first thing she’s heard loud and clear since breaking down in his arms, his words feeling both comforting and incredibly loaded.

She lifts her head up to meet his gaze, her eyes swollen and red. “Stop being mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you.”

She squints her eyes, wincing as the movement turns out to be painful. “You haven’t said more than three words to me in the last two weeks.”

“I’m staying clear from you, but it’s not because I’m mad.”

She shakes her head. “Stop doing that, stop avoiding me. I don’t care what the reason is.”

“Don’t ask me that.”

“I’m not asking.”

She can’t remember the last time she’s been this forward, and she blames the alcohol coursing through her system. Her gaze is unwavering on him, even though her throat feels like it’s closing up, making every inhalation of breath on the wrong side of painful.

“How much did you drink tonight?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but closes it when she finds only insults on the tip of her tongue.

“Don’t do that, Blake. Don’t judge me— “

“I’m not judging you. I’m saying that I know a dangerously intoxicated person when I see one, and you’re way past the point of drunk.”

She bites her lip hard, trying to contain the bitter laugh that wants to come out.

“I’ve finished a bottle, Blake.” She says tauntingly. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

He looks at her sideways, his lips parting just slightly. “On your own? Gwen, you’re tiny. I’m surprised you even made it to my doorstep.”

If she were sane, she would’ve taken that as her cue to go home, knowing that whatever she would do next would lack all common sense. Unfortunately, she’s way past the point of sanity. It takes her two unflattering movements for her to swing her leg over his lap, pushing herself up into a sitting position, straddling him.

He just basically called her a drunk, so it’s only fair she reaps the benefits. It’s what everyone around her seems to do.

“Gwen, what the hell—” Though his words voice protest, his hands move to each side of her hips.

“I’m not that drunk.” She states softly, her hand on his shoulder while her other stays still in the crook of his neck.

“That would’ve been more believable if you didn’t just cross all boundaries and positioned yourself on my lap.”

“It’s what you want, isn’t it?”

Blake’s brow raises nonchalantly, but the way his fingers tighten around her hip, shows her he’s more affected than he’s trying to let on.

“I don’t think you know what I want.”

She bites her lip again, her finger reaching out to toy with the shell of his ear. “You’re mad cause I told you that kiss didn’t mean anything, and you want me to admit I was lying.”

Blake shakes his head, his hands still gripping her hips tightly. “I want you to go home. I don’t want to be part of anything else you can add to your list of regrets.”

She lowers her head a little, not stopping until her forehead rest against hers. “I don’t regret that kiss.”

“Stop.”

“I don’t regret that kiss and I won’t regret this.”

She feels his hand move up slowly before she feels him grab onto her hair, and she damn near moans at his tight grip on the back of her head.

“You know how damn frustrating you are?”

 She bites her lip, thinking better of saying anything.

“I’m not the guy you think I am, Gwen.” He says hoarsely, his eyes falling shut. “I’m not the type to sweep in and save you. I’m the type of person to make things worse, to drag you into a storm you never asked for, who’s unable to help you clean up the mess once it’s passed.”

She shakes her head, her hand cupping his cheek. “That’s not who you are.”

“That _is_ who I am.” He replies, keeping his hands on her waist but adverting his eyes away from her.

She inhales deeply, her mind spinning, but the buzz she feels not solely from the alcohol she consumed earlier.

“I was scared after you kissed me; scared of how good it felt and scared of how you acted afterwards. I just wanted to do what was best for us.”

“Bullshit.” He huffs, his grip on her waist involuntarily tightening.

She nods. “Okay, I wanted to do what was best for me.”

He looks up at her again, finally. “So what changed?”

She reaches her hand out to his face, grazing her nail across his chin. “Everything.”

Blake shakes his head, his tongue sweeping past his lower lip.

“Nothing changed, Gwen. I’m still the person that pushed you up against a wall and left, and you’re still the person who choses fear over everything else.”

His words should’ve infuriated her, but instead it does the opposite.

Her face lowers until her nose is touching his cheek, her breath hot on his face. Her hand has stilled on his jaw, making sure he doesn’t move away. She can feel the way he tenses beneath her slightly, enjoying how it feels to have the upper hand for once. She traces the stubble on his face with her lips, her touch so light she wonders if it tickles him.

“I don’t want to be afraid anymore, Blake.” She whispers, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek, before planting a few more randomly on his jaw and chin, and right next to his nose.

“You’re only saying that cause you’re drunk.”

His voice sounds weak, despite his determined words.

“I want to get to know you.” She whispers, tracing her hand down towards his mouth, her fingers tracing the outline of his lip. “I’m sorry for what I said before.”

She feels him shake his head, but her mouth is too busy softly kissing his neck for her to witness the motion.

“Gwen, damn it…” His hand lets go of her hip so it can slide in her hair, tugging her away from her current position. His eyes are hooded, lust and passion pooling in his irises. “I don’t get what you want from me; you told me to leave you alone, you didn’t want me, _you_ — “

“—I made a mistake.” She interrupts. “I should’ve never said that.”

His hand in her hair doesn’t lessen its grip and she leans into it, keeping their gazes locked.

“And is it a coincidence that you’re telling me this now, right after your ex-husband took the kids back?”

She shakes her head, her eyes watering at the mere thought of her kids not being with her for the time being.

“No…” She whispers hoarsely, her breathing slightly irregular. “It made me realize that you’re the first person I want to talk to whenever things get bad. It also made me realize that I wasn’t just sad for the kids cause they had to leave me for a bit—I was sad they had to leave you too.”

A few silent moments pass, the look in Blake’s eyes one she’s never seen on him before. It’s like her words have unlocked some secret side to him, a part that he’s been trying hard to keep hidden.

He clears his throat. “You said it yourself, you barely know me.”

She doesn’t miss a beat this time. “Change that.”

He swallows roughly, his hand finally letting go of her hair and moving back to the side of her hip. “How do I know you won’t change your mind again?”

“About getting to know you?”

“About everything.”

Her hand moves to his shoulder, her hips pushing up so she shimmies herself a bit higher onto his lap.

“I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend.”

He looks at her with a knowing look in his eyes, though can’t help but follow it up with another question.

“What exactly are you asking from me?”

She shifts again in his lap, this time to maximize his discomfort and simultaneously prove a point.

“To be my friend.”

“Well see, _this_ ….” He punctuates his words by gripping her hips and moving her along his hardness just once. “…. Is something friends don’t do.”

“But they make each other feel better, right?” She coos seductively in his ear before darting her tongue out to trace the shell.

She feels him shudder, his eyes becoming hooded as she shoots his arousal up a few notches.

His hand moves to the back of her neck, gripping her. “Who says I need anyone to make me feel better?”

She bites her lip, straightening her back on top of him. “I know you went through a divorce. I know you haven’t seen your family in a while and you like to get obliviously drunk. Any of that sound like a man that isn’t hurting?"

She cocks her head daringly, raising her brow.

Blake’s eyes become darker, his grip on her tightening as he obviously struggles with her answer. There’s a hint of anger that flashes onto his features, but she’s surprised to see he doesn’t verbalize any of it. Instead, he leans back and lets his arms fall back from her body. His eyes keep locking with hers, a soft nod all that he gives her.

It shouldn’t be this hot to see Blake Shelton give in to her, letting her set the pace.

She leans down into his personal space, letting their breathes mingle before finally gaining the confidence to just do it and kiss him. His hands remain by his side, but his tongue is determined to steal her breath away. She pulls back a little so she can open the buttons on his button-up, enjoying the small chest hairs that grace her fingertips.

“I’m not fucking you.” He whispers against her ear, shaking his head. “Not when you’re this drunk. I swear Gwen….”

She silences him quickly, her lips against his muffled words and she smiles when he swiftly turns them around and lays her down on the sofa. She stays firmly pressed against him, moaning as he drapes himself over her.

He returns her low hum, his hips rocking into her softly as neither one attempts at disregarding any clothing. There’s no denying her mind is filled with images of him undressing her, touching and kissing every inch of her body as he gets her naked and desperate beneath him, but the way his jeans-covered hardness grinds against her makes her desperate for this moment never to end.

He kisses her again as he takes both of her hands and links their fingers, pressing it into the arm of the couch as they find a rhythm.

Her mind feels like it’s short wiring, pleasure shooting through her body everywhere.

“Fuck yes.”

He replies with a grunt of his own, letting his tongue trace over her teeth slowly as he keeps up his movements between her legs.

Her body meets his in each eager thrust, her moans matching his pitch and tempo. It’s not until her voice grows louder that Blake breaks their kiss, prying his lips away from hers to grunt and curse. She thinks her wrists might have a bruise on them by how tight Blake’s grip on them is, holding her down effectively. Since it’s all she can do, she slides one leg up his body and hooks it around his waist—the appreciative groan he lets out tells her it's the right move.

“Gwen.” He moans softly, his nose nuzzling the side of her cheek between heavy breathes.

She arches her back before he can finish, her head flying backwards as his name flies out into the air of his lake house living room. She writhes and rolls into him, begging for a kiss as she rides out her orgasm, begging for him not to stop moving.

She recognizes the moment he lets go too; he grunts a version of her name against her lips as he keeps up the movements of his hips. Watching him fall apart while simultaneously relishing in the fact he just got her off as well, sends a burn to run though her whole body, unlike any glass of wine or slight buzz could do.

In silence, they calm together. Their laboured breathing slows to its usual rhythm and his grip on her arms finally disappears, allowing her to run shaky fingertips down his back. There’s a tenderness between them that feels weird, that feels like something way beyond friends—even though friendship is exactly what she wants from him.

 

Friendship and _this_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how well this friends with benefits thing goes for them..


	8. Chapter 8

She wakes on his couch, bright rays of sun irritating her eyes as she opens them hesitantly. There’s a large blanket draped over her body, the bun on the top of her head had somehow come undone and the pounding headache reminds her of how she arrived at his place last night; drunk and emotional—desperate for Blake to let her in.

It takes her a while to notice his presence nearby, his tall frame sitting at his kitchen counter, a cup of what she assumes to be coffee cradled between his large hands. If she didn’t feel like she just got hit by a truck, she would’ve made her way out there immediately, but instead she closes her eyes once more, squinting at the flashes of pain that wrinkle her forehead.

She hates hangovers. It’s been a while since she had one too; not one for usually drinking away her sorrows. She blames the slowness of her mind to the pain she feels, because images of Blake on top of her, pinning her arms down, and grinding into her take a while to settle. Once they do, she can’t help but squirm a little, her body immediately heating up again.

Though some of the details from last night aren’t quite clear, she does remember they didn’t have sex; Blake’s rough words in her ear having made it clear that he wouldn’t do that. Part of her is relieved to see Blake still has some of his morals intact, not wanting to take advantage of her. She knows it wasn’t all selfless either; Blake’s tired of being anyone’s regret.

She moves onto her side, looking at Blake still sitting in the kitchen. She can’t remember falling asleep on his couch or being covered by a blanket, but she smiles at the knowledge he didn’t wake her up or worse—kick her out. Her head is drawn to the small coffee table in front of her for some reason, recognizing some Tylenol and a bottle of water. She swallows roughly at being confronted with his care for her once more, having missed being on the receiving end of it.

She reaches out for the bottle of water, sitting up a bit straighter so she can pour some of the contents in her dry mouth. Her throat feels painfully constricted and the feeling of the cold liquid going down her throat nearly has her moaning. She immediately unpacks one of the tiny pills before popping it in her mouth. Her fingertips slide between the space of her eyebrows, rubbing at the pained spot.

“Morning.”

His low drawl has her head snapping up at him quickly, his body still seated only this time turned so he can look at her.

“I see you found the Tylenol.”

She nods gratefully, a soft smile gracing her lips.

“Yes. Thank you.”

“I figured you wouldn’t be feeling good this morning.”

She swallows another sip of her water, her throat almost too dry to talk. She pushes the fabric of the blanket off her body, swinging her legs off the couch carefully.

Blake’s eyes never leave her body as she makes her way into his kitchen, sitting down next to him at his counter. Her elbow leans on the marble as she cocks her head to look at him.

“Thank you for letting me stay.”

He nods, managing at a small smile. “I’m not kicking a drunk woman out of my house.”

She wanted him to say something more personal, but she gets why he chooses not to. Though this situation is confusing for them both, there’s no denying that Blake’s head must still be spinning with the sudden change of events that happened last night.

“Do you have any food in the house?” She asks softly, keeping their eyes locked. “I could make us some breakfast. It’s the least I could do.”

He shakes his head quickly. “No, sit down. You’re feeling like crap, and there’s probably not much to work with anyways.”

Despite his words, he does get up. She watches as he manoeuvres around his kitchen, searching for anything eatable as he produces two plates. She tries not to think about how good he looks when he’s being domestic with her, and she closes her eyes tightly when another hot wave of pain rushes through her body.

She really is too old for this feeling.

Blake’s eyes fall onto her again, a small chuckle leaving his lips.

“Your alcohol tolerance is pathetic.”

She smiles despite the pain it causes, flipping him off with her middle finger.

“Shut up.”

Blake’s smile is a genuine one, his hands holding to options. “Cereal or some toast with eggs?”

She giggles a little, the thought of food honestly not the best one, but she knows she should probably eat something to fight this bitch of a hangover.

She points at his left hand, taking another sip of her water. “Eggs.”

The next twenty minutes go the same; she sits at the counter sipping her water, while watching Blake scrambling some eggs, walking around in his kitchen as if this is the most normal thing in the world—and she loves it.

Blake puts a generous amount on both their plates, before handing her some cutlery and sitting next to her again. It smells delicious and despite her nausea, her stomach starts growling just at the sight of it.

She takes a large bite of her food, her eyes widening.

“Blake, this is delicious.”

He chuckles next to her, his eyes remaining downwards. “You sound surprised.”

“I just didn’t know you could cook.”

He smiles at her before taking a bite himself. “One of my _many_ talents.”

She wonders how long they can keep up this light-hearted vibe they’ve got going on, enjoying the way she can actually enjoy his company while also feeling like he’s enjoying hers. She catches him staring after a few more bites and she smiles at him softly, and way too brightly. The situation barely calls for it, but still—it pulls at her lips with a stubbornness she’s not bothering to fight.

There’s a bit of an awkward silence after they finish breakfast, not knowing what to do now. When she came over last night, she didn’t think this far ahead; honestly not thinking she would even be let in. She moves awkwardly on her feet, another ‘thank you’ about to fall off her lips when Blake beats her to it.

“I thought that maybe….” He starts but falters, looking up at her hesitantly before trying again. “I thought that maybe you wanted to hang out a bit tonight, go get something to eat or something.”

She stares at him with surprise written over her features, not expecting these words to come out of his mouth.

“Oh, I— “

“Since you don’t have the kids, you know?” He follows up quickly, cutting off her initial response. “Just in case you don’t want to be alone and need the company of a friend.”

She smiles at his use of the words ‘friends’, letting her know without saying too much that he’s on her wavelength and willing to give her what she wants. She lowers her gaze to the floor, her hands fumbling with the edge of her shirt.

“Are you sure? I don't want you to feel obligated to--"

"I'm sure." He cuts her off effectively, smiling. "I haven't gotten the chance to show you around the area yet, so consider me taking you out to dinner the first step into doing so."

She smiles brightly.

"Let's do it, then."

She's surprised at how not awkward the morning ends up being, finishing breakfast together and hugging each other goodbye, all going suspiciously smooth. She tries to ignore the little bit of sadness she feels at leaving his place, even though she knows she’ll see him again tonight, and the feeling scares her more than she’s willing to admit.

She’s glad to be going back to her own place for a while, her mind way too overwhelmed to make sense of it all. The less than two-minute walk back to her own property feels nice on her heated skin, the stickiness of having slept in her clothes from yesterday calls for a shower immediately and she can’t think of a better place to reminisce about Blake.

 

 

*

 

He shows up right on time, wearing blue jeans and a brown jacket over a deep red shirt. The top buttons are undone, giving way to the smooth skin over his sternum, and Gwen’s gaze lingers there a few moments too long as always.

“Hi.” She greets him finally, tearing her eyes up to his face.

She notices he shaved and she tries to suppress the conflicting feelings about that. He looked _really_ good this morning with a couple days of scruff peppering his jaw. But this cleaner, more put-together look, paired with his clear blue eyes that hold an attractive kind of confidence and kindness is just as mindblowing.

“Hey.” He answers softly, the sound of his voice more like what it used to be; more inviting, and definitely sweeter.

She watches as his eyes follow the V neckline of her black dress, the fabric ending just below her thighs. She tried at something short and alluring, while still remaining classy. It’s one thing to be friends with Blake, but it’s a whole other thing to still want more too.

“You look amazing.” He admits lowly, his lips tugging up into a small smile. “Really amazing, I mean damnit Gwen.”

She smiles at his less than articulate response to her, her confidence growing by witnessing him be so effected by her. She ducks her head a little, the blonde locks framing her face moving with the motion.

“Thank you.” She murmurs, willing the heat to stop flaming her chest and cheeks.

He takes another moment to look at her, before extending his hand. “Are you ready to go?”

She nods her head, grabbing her coat before taking his hand as he leads her down the steps of her patio.

“Lead the way.”

It’s the first time she’s ever been inside Blake’s truck and more importantly, it’s the first time she’s going to be hanging out with Blake away from their houses. She can’t help but gaze over at him behind the steering wheel, the whole car ride feeling like an outer body experience. A few weeks ago, this guy was a total stranger and now she wonders what her life would’ve been like if she never moved here—if he’d never become her neighbour.

She’s relieved when Blake starts some small talk to pass away the time, her worst nerves having dissolved by the time they make it to the restaurant.

It’s small and not all that fancy, and Blake’s no stranger to the place. He greets everyone with that signature charm he’s been keeping from her too often, and she’s always pleasantly surprised to realize how warm and inviting people are to her here too. He leads the way to a table in the back after the young hostess assigned them to it.

It’s not long until they’re ordering a bottle of wine and nibble on some bread swirled in rich olive oil as they wait for their main meal. She tries not to think about how weird it is to be sitting here with him, but her mind seems keen on not letting her forget.

“You’re awfully quiet.” He muses out loud, his lips curled into a smirk. “Are you still feeling sick? Maybe we shouldn’t have ordered wine out of all things.”

She smiles softly, shaking her head. “No, I’m fine. The headache is all gone.”

He keeps his gaze on her a bit longer, almost as if he’s studying her.

“And you’re sure you’re okay?”

She nods again. “It’s just a bit weird, sitting here with you.”

“I’m gonna try to not take that as an insult.”

Her eyes widen, her head shaking furiously.

“It wasn’t, not at all, I….” She trails off, kicking herself for being so bad at this. “It’s just, a few days ago we would barely talk and now we’re here. I want to be here though. I enjoy being this way with you much more than the alternative.”

“That makes two of us.”

She nods, her breathing calming down again after her little freak out from just now.

“I just wanted to thank you again for not kicking me out last night. I totally wouldn’t have blamed you if you did.”

His smirk grows wider again, leaning both his fore arms on the table. “Are you sure about that?”

She huffs quietly, never breaking their eye contact.

“Okay, maybe I would’ve blamed you a little bit. But you still would’ve had every right to do it.”

He sits back a little, the sparkle in his blue eyes even more apparent in the lighting of the restaurant.

“Consider that my first step towards a peace offering.” He smiles.

She can’t help but feel a little giddy at his words. “You wanted to make amends.”

“Despite what you might think of me, I actually do not enjoy arguing with people.”

A soft chuckle escapes her throat, as she looks at him incredulously. She’s about to say something when the young waitress arrives back at their table, her smile wide as can be.

“Are you guys ready to order yet?” She asks sweetly, her gaze going back and forth between the two adults.

She waits as Blake lists of his order, following right behind. The girl gets it all written down before looking back at Blake.

“It’s nice to see you here again, Blake.” She smiles, her voice an excited sound. “It’s good to know you never feel too big to come see your ‘ole pals.”

Gwen’s eyes squint at the woman’s words, her mind quickly trying to put two and two together. Blake’s smile in return is brighter than the sun, his voice a steady thing.

“Never.” He winks.

“Well, I’ll leave y’all to it, your order is coming right up.”

The cheery woman leaves with a bit of a kick in her step, and Gwen’s eyes land intensely on Blake again. She can tell he’s debating on what to say, so she decides to make it easy for him.

“What did she mean by you never feeling ‘too big’ to come back here?”

Blake opens his mouth to say something, but swallows it back, looking at her with a small smirk.

She shakes her head. “Blake, why are you smiling like that?”

Her question only makes him smile brighter, his teeth biting down on his bottom lip. She tears her eyes away from the sight, not wanting to get deterred from the conversation.

“I didn’t wanna tell you cause I didn’t think it mattered, especially since it’s obvious you have no clue who I am whatsoever…”

Her eyes widen as the meaning of his words hit, everything suddenly making sense. The hostess words from just now, Kingston’s words from earlier, telling her Blake wanted to ‘make it’ for his brother’s sake, Blake being able to afford a lake house like the one he owns.

“ _Oh my god_.” She whispers, slightly mortified. “Are you— “

“A singer.” He finishes for her, his smile never leaving his lips.

“That’s why you brought me to this place.” She muses to herself.

“I wanted something low profile.”

She swallows roughly, unable to look at him in this moment.

“I feel so horrible.” She admits softly, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“You have no reason to.” He replies quickly, and she’s relieved to hear no sign of offense in his voice. “It’s not like it didn’t take me a quick Google search to confirm who you were either.”

Her head snaps back to his face, her breath hitching.

“W-what?” She stutters, her lips parted. “You know?”

His eyes sparkle with amusement. “I do.”

“For how long?” She breathes.

“After you left the BBQ.” He admits. “My sister tipped me off about it and I just had to know for sure.”

Her mind is going a million miles per hour, her eyes still wide as she’s trying to process all this new information.

“So when you kissed me….”

“I didn’t know who you were yet.”

That knowledge strangely makes her feel better, the fact that he kissed her because he wanted to and not because he found out about who she was, feels very validating.

They look at each other for a few more seconds before they both start laughing. Their whole situation is kind of ridiculous, but you can’t even make this up. It feels good to have her identity out in the open, and it feels even better to know something else about Blake.

When the playful moment is over, she tries her luck at some more information.

“Can I ask you one more personal question?”

He straightens back into the seat, taking a sip of wine.

“Sure, it’s what we’re here for right? To get to know each other.”

She smiles. “I thought we were here because you knew about my pathetic life and didn’t want me to be alone tonight.”

He shrugs. “Well I mean, _that_ too.”

She shakes her head, biting her lip to contain her smile from splitting her face in two.

“Why did you decide to tell Kingston about your brother?”

She watches Blake inhale sharply, his features remaining soft.

“He just sounded so much like me when I was younger.” Blake speaks quietly, his gaze never leaving hers. “I know that feeling of guilt all too well, and I thought that if there was any chance my experience could help him out, I kinda owed it to him.”

She can feel her eyes watering at his words, Blake’s genuine care for her kids beyond touching.

“How old were you when— “

“Fourteen.”

She shudders out a breath, her heart breaking for him.

“I’m so sorry.”

He smiles weakly, his fingers playing with the table cloth hanging off the edge.

“So am I.”

She’s able to bring his smile back onto his face throughout the rest of the night, for the first time enjoying some easy conversation with him that feels free of all tension. For once she’s not afraid of saying the wrong thing, or being too personal, or too quiet—it’s just right. Blake tells her about his relationship with Endy, and how the woman has the ability to see right through him; something she’s already witnessed with her own eyes.

It’s part of the reason why she’s so drawn to her.

She’s shocked when they get into conversation about her children, and she’s not at all guarded; the feeling of getting to talk about them with another adult, one who shows actual interest in their lives, beyond healing. A peaceful feeling settles in her stomach afterwards, and it’s enough to convince her she’s not doing the wrong thing by befriending Blake. If anything, it’s already bringing her some new-found positivity.

 

 

*

 

Blake holds out his hand as he helps her jump out of his truck, his side remaining plastered against hers as they walk up her property. 

He elbows her shoulder gently.

“Come on, I know somewhere inside of you is the little girl who planned out her entire wedding.”

She’d always been fascinated by marriage and wedding dresses, tracing all the way back to her early childhood. She remembers how she’d cut out full blown magazine pages, filled with wedding pictures.

“I got married once, remember.”

She adverts her eyes away from him, focusing on the ground beneath her feet. There’s a bit of guilt at how she shot down Blake’s words just now, but she can’t get herself to look back up at him since he’d brought out pieces of her that she desperately wanted to forget. Pieces that started out as emphasizing her happiness and innocence, but somehow graduated into pieces of tragedy and heartbreak.

“Did you get to live out that fantasy wedding?”

She’s torn between getting upset at how persistent he is, not dropping the subject even when she makes it clear she wants him to, but also loving how his interest in her seems genuine.

She stops walking for a second, still unable to fully look at him. By the way Blake stands before her a bit more restless than before, he shows her he’s finally taking notice of the emotional toll his questions are having on her.

“Gwen, I’m sorry.”

She bites her lip, forcing back the tears.

“Honestly, I don’t even remember my fantasy wedding anymore.”

They stand there for a good minute or two, and she fights the urge to ask Blake to wrap her up in his arms and never let her go again.

“I don’t believe that at all.” Blake’s voice says softly, the gentle manner in which he speaks to her making her that much more emotional.

“I guess it would be to walk down the aisle with a man who truly loves me. At this point, that would be my only fantasy.”

She feels fragile and scared, and she didn’t mean to share so much. She can tell he feels bad, and though she expects a reaction from him, she didn’t expect him to reach out his arm and press her against his side.

“I’m sorry.” He nudges her softly, looking down at her. “I didn’t mean to force you back into that place. I didn’t think.”

His voice is so soothing when he wants it to be, and she’s starting to believe that becoming addicted to a sound is a real thing.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

He chuckles. “I didn’t do anything right either.”

He involuntarily starts rubbing random patterns on her shoulder, and when they reach her patio, she makes an irreversible decision.

“Do you wanna come in?”

With a final squeeze to her shoulder he lets her go, continuing to stand next to her as his gaze lingers on her.

She suddenly becomes more nervous again, attempting to regain her composure.

“Are you sure?” He asks surprised, his head cocking to the side. “You don’t have to, you know? I didn’t walk up here with you for….” He waves a hand between them, letting the obvious words remain unspoken. “.... _that_.”

She knows he’s giving her an out, a moment to think rationally. She also knows he’s zero steps behind her and if the look in his eyes is any indication, there’s no way he’d deny her if she’d ask him in again. Tonight had been amazing so far, and though she’s scared to ruin what they’ve so carefully started building just now, she doesn’t think she can spend another moment not knowing what it feels like to be that close to him.

She nods half-heartedly. “Don’t go.”

Gwen’s gaze moves up, meeting his eyes. He offers her a small smile, and she swallows nervously before returning it.

“Guess it’s your turn to lead the way.”

She remembers her earlier words, and smiles widely. Stepping out in front of him, she opens the door to let him into her place, for once letting go of all her hesitations. She lets her keys fall onto the kitchen table, kicking off her heels simultaneously.

She turns around, about to ask Blake if he wants anything to drink, when both his hands land on her hips and his chest is pressed against hers. She’s taken aback by his sudden passion and the intensified lust she sees pooling in his eyes.

Her hands reach for his arms, keeping herself steady.

“Please.”

It’s all he needs to hear before his lips slam onto hers hard, the force of their kiss knocking her back into the edge of the kitchen table, her hands moving up to his hair as she lets him take all the air out of her lungs. He’s a great kisser, she’s been privileged to learn that a while back, and with his tongue delicately stroking hers, and his teeth biting onto her lips just the side of painful have her moaning into his mouth.

She uses her hands to push herself away from the table pressing into her lower back, reaching for his hand as she leads him upstairs. She doesn’t think it’s ever taken her this long to get up the stairs, Blake’s lips and hands distracting her immensely. It’s not until they reach her room, that clothes start behind shed, and kisses turn even more hungry.

She’s always known that Blake was in great shape, despite not being the gym rat her ex-husband used to be, and she can’t help her hands when they wander over the surface of his naked chest. He lets her lead the way for a while, eventually getting impatient and removing the last piece of fabric that hides her naked chest from him. She thought she’d feel exposed when she did this again for the first time after her divorce, but the way Blake’s eyes become even darker, it makes her feel ten feet tall.

When clothes aren’t an obstacle anymore, neither one has any self-control left. Blake pushes her back onto the bed, but her arm makes sure to take him with her right away. He catches himself just in time before crashing down on top of her and she giggles at the slight awkwardness. He chuckles against her lips, and God, she missed sex being fun too.

His large hand cups the side of her face, his thumb stroking softly against her cheek. The moment of intimacy is almost too much for her, but she forces her eyes to remain open. Blake smiles at her and it’s like he knows exactly what she’s feeling without her having to verbalize it. His mouth seeks out hers again, his hand traveling down between their bodies until it reaches her center.

She gasps into his mouth at feeling his touch there, her breathing speeding up. The moment his finger slides up into her, her eyes fall close.

“Please Blake, don’t tease.”

He hums against the side of her face, placing soft, wet kisses against her cheek. “Let me make sure you’re ready, baby.”

Her chest is heaving excessively, one of her hands sliding to his back. “I am. I’ve been thinking about this the whole car ride home.”

She feels the corners of his mouth tug upwards against her cheek, the finger that’s still inside of her crooking up slightly.

“You have, huh?”

She nods, unable to speak any words.

Luckily for her, Blake seems to lose interest in teasing her and instead grips his own length as he positions himself against her entrance. She feels the anticipation pool low in her stomach, her hand tightening on the skin of his back. Blake times it perfectly, the moment she shudders out a breath, he presses in.

All thought leaves her brain, the only thing she can make sense of is the way he feels stretching her, her body trying to accommodate him. His low voice in her ear spurs her on even more, and she can’t think of any place that could be better than here in this bed with him right now.

He gives her some time to adjust to him, stilling inside of her as he keeps kissing bruises onto her lips. She loves how that seems to be his thing; not sad about being his canvas to paint on.

When she starts moving her hips up, indicating she wants more, he picks up speed. The sound of their moans and groans are the only thing filling the large bedroom, her nails digging into his skin on his shoulder and back have him hissing against her mouth in pleasure. She’s used to being a bit passive in bed to please her ex-husband, but with Blake she knows she can be herself completely, and so she waits until her moment of perfection and flips them around.

Having Blake lying beneath her is the biggest power thrill she’s ever experienced. He looks up at her so willingly, a slick smile colouring his features and she doesn’t mind it one bit. His hand travels to her thigh as it strokes her sensually, and she can’t wait another second to ride him. She starts a slow pace, but the rhythm has them panting quick enough. The little grunts he lets out when she rolls her hips instead of moving them up and down has her smiling proudly.

He motions with his hand for her to lean down, and she does so quickly, giving him another deep kiss. His arm comes around her back, pressing her more firmly against him, and in this position she can feel his heartbeat against her chest while he also hits a spot inside her that makes her lose control very quickly. Her breathing speeds up, and she’s whimpering against the crook of his neck continuously.

“You close baby?” His low voice drawls huskily against her hair, sending goosebumps down her arms.

She nods against him, the only thing her mouth’s able to produce are moans and whimpers.

As Blake hips move more determinedly up into her, her heart starts slamming against her chest, her body feeling like it’s on the verge of exploding and she’s pretty sure it’s never been like this before. She’s about to protest when he slows his pace a bit, angling his hips differently, but the slow drag of his cock has her hips stuttering on top of him.

“Oh my—” She gasps loudly, holding onto him for dear life as he coaxes the pleasure out of her like they’ve been doing it for years.

He wretches a scream from her throat at one very deliberate thrust and before she knows it, her whole body convulses.

“That’s it baby.” He drawls, his arms still holding her tightly against him. “You’re so good, so tight.”

She tries desperately at getting some air back in her lungs, but she keeps stuttering it back out immediately as Blake’s movements don’t vary and instead fucks her through it slowly. She can feel his hips movements become a bit more frantic and the loud groan against her ear tips her off on what’s about to happen, before he spills into her.

They didn’t even think about using a condom, and her mind is still reeling from all the pleasure he’s evoking, she can’t think about anything for too long.

Gwen rolls over to her side and presses herself against his arm, letting her hand play with the short hairs on his chest.

“Wow Blake.”

He doesn’t say anything, just grins and closes his eyes.

She loves how thoroughly fucked out he looks.

“You wanna stay tonight?”

He turns his head to look at her, his features softer than she ever remembered them being.

“Is that what we’re doing?”

She can hear a hint of smugness in his voice and she weakly slaps at his shoulder.

“Don’t make me regret asking you that.”

He catches the hand that just hit his shoulder and brings it to his mouth, kissing it gently.

“Your bed _is_ quite comfortable—I wouldn’t mind spending the night in it, I suppose.”

She smiles wide, biting her lip.

“Good, cause your friendly duties aren’t over quiet yet...”

His brows raise, a smirk plastering on his lips.

“What do you have in mind?”

By the way he his voice drops a full octave, and the way he manoeuvres himself back on top of her, she’d say he has a pretty good idea. When his mouth latches onto her neck, and she lets out a mixed giggle and moan, she realizes this ‘friendship’ might be getting real good...


	9. Chapter 9

Blake was gone by the time she woke up, and though she didn’t quite know what she expected to see this morning, there was a bitter feeling that overwhelmed her at the sight of an empty bed—an empty house. She appreciates Blake for not pressuring her into more though, seemingly having accepted and embraced the little pact they’ve made. It’s something she’s never done before, and definitely something she never thought she’d do, but there’s something about Blake that makes her just a little less reserved—and a whole lot more desperate.

She tries not to think about the fact he left, or the fact that she cares this much that he did.

She spends the morning doing some chores around the house, she calls her parents for about thirty minutes and makes another run for the supermarket. It’s not an intense day at all, but she enjoys the peace and quiet for a little bit. It sucks how the quietness simultaneously works as a reminder of her children’s absence though. She never knew how much she’d miss the never-ending noise and familiar bickering between her boys.

After an hour of just lounging around on the couch, she decides on doing some exploring of her own. She hasn’t been doing too much physical exercising lately, and she can tell it’s starting to affect her mental state. She’s been keeping herself so busy with the kids—and with Blake, that she’s been slacking on that front. She changes into her running attire, retrieving the right shoes from upstairs as she heads out. She can’t believe it’s taken her so long to do this here; the whole place literally endless, and the view alone is enough motivation to run and not stop for a few hours.

It’s uncharacteristically cold outside, the wind blowing hard around her face, and her hands hold her jacket together against her chin. She zips it all the way up before dropping her hands and shaking herself loose a bit, the cold and the long break she took both knotting up her joints. It takes a while before she finds a natural pace, and she’s not quite familiar with the area around her place yet. After a few wrong turns that lead to nowhere and paths that are too uncomfortable to run on, she finds her footing. It’s as nice as she envisioned it would be; the whole world oblivious to her for a few sacred moments.

She stops when the view becomes especially nice; the clear blue lake on her right stands out even more against the surrounding green nature, the large weeping willow casting shadows over the water that meets the edge of the land.

There’s so much peace here to be found, and she wishes she could just bottle some of it up and take it home with her. It’s nice to be surrounded with nothing more but nature, just the way God intended it, and so far removed from everything that’s toxic to her being. It suddenly dawns on her why anyone would come out here if they’re going through something—she also realizes why Blake is so attached to the land, and realizes it goes much deeper than him just being a usual country boy: this place heals Blake.

Her mind has a way of circling everything back to her neighbour and she can’t seem to think of anything else for too long. She starts wondering if it’s the same way for him and if maybe that’s the reason he left. Since all the answers in her mind are too scary to face, she starts moving again. She came out here to run in the first place, there’s enough time to think when she gets back home.

She’s on her way back when the blue above her gets greyer, clouds following her with a promise of rain. Just when she starts praying it waits fifteen minutes longer, rain comes pouring down with a vengeance. She’s soaked within minutes, her clothes feeling ten pounds heavier against her wet skin.

The path through the trees is now muddy water in motion, filling deep puddles that hide the ruts of dryer weather. The leaves and bushes around her get this certain smell that intensifies with each freezing drop that falls from the sky, and it’s weird how even now, there’s a peace and serenity she could never get at home. Her hair starts sticking to the side of her face, her blonde locks now a light shade of brown. She hasn’t stopped running ever since it started pouring, but she can’t remember when she started crying. She doesn’t even know _why_ she’s crying; maybe it’s the overwhelming quiet, or the fact that she’s alone, or because she’s been heavily reflecting over her life ever since she started jogging—whatever it is, her tears join the droplets of rain on the ground, rain and tears both sticking to her eyelashes.

Maybe this is a form of healing she’s never tried before.

She recognizes the path close to her property, the structure of her house becoming apparent through the trees, and she smiles in a bit of relief. No matter how much she needed this, her hair and clothes are soaked through completely and her body is shivering with how cold she is.

She makes it back to her gate, her breathing ragged and her legs feeling that familiar burn. She slows her pace just a little, walking with quick steps towards her patio.

“Gwen?”

The loud manner in which her name was called makes her look to her right, Blake’s confused face looking at her from where it’s hanging out his car window.

Sometimes she wonders if the Universe is trying to tell her something, by the way Blake is somehow _always_ there.

She doesn’t stop walking, the rain still coming down with force.

“I gotta—” She points to her patio, making it clear to him that she would love to stand still and talk, but she won’t.

He gets the memo and jumps out of his truck, her hands in the process of squeezing out the water in her hair and getting rid of the soaked jacket still clinging to her. The patio is graced with an excess coverage, keeping her shielded from the rain. She’s somewhat surprised when Blake jogs up to her, both hands keeping his jacket shielded over his head.

He looks at her funnily as he stands underneath the coverage with her, watching as she tries to dry herself up at least a little bit before stepping inside, not wanting to leave a trail of wetness inside.

“Did you go running in this weather?” Blake asks amused.

“It wasn’t raining when I started, obviously.” She chuckles, raking a hand through her soaked hair as she attempts at making another ponytail.

“I could’ve told you it was about to.” Blake answers smugly, that damn smile still plastered on his face.

Gwen cocks her head. “And yet you didn’t…. I guess you’re not _that_ good of a friend.”

His smile takes a darker form, going from amused to aroused.

“I think I already proved to you how good I am.” He speaks lowly, his lower lip trapped between his teeth. “As a friend.”

She swallows roughly, willing all the inappropriate images from her mind, her shivering body reminding her of wet clothes still clinging to her.

”If you’d stayed this morning, I could’ve thanked you for being such a great friend last night.”

She tried not to bring it up, but her mouth has a mind of its own.

”Gwen I....” Blake looks at her a bit apologetically and she’s wonders if he actually thought she’d just let it go. “I didn’t want to make things awkward for you.”

”And leaving somehow wouldn't make this awkward?”

”I thought you wouldn’t want the whole waking up together part. It’s not really what friends are supposed to do now, is it?”

His eyes get a daring glimmer and she’s both taken aback by his words and the look on his face. 

“I guess it’s gonna take some time to get used to how this works.”

”Gwen if you don’t wa—“

”—No, I do.” She interupts quickly, not wanting him to finish that sentence in fear she might actually back out if he does. “It’s fine, Blake.”

”Next time I’ll talk to you about it, alright? I won’t sneak out.”

She tries to focus on his words, but the promise of a next time has her stuck-- her body starting to react immediately.

“Uhm, I gotta go change.” She says awkwardly, pointing at her soaked shirt. “And shower. I’m cold as fuck.”

Blake chuckles at the sudden subject change, nodding softly.

“Yeah, you should probably get out of those clothes.”

She tries to ignore the way his low voice is still doing things to her, his eyes scanning over her body doing nothing to ease the current tension.

“I’m gonna have some friends over tonight, by the way.” Blake continues a little less confidently than before. “Endy will be there too. I thought maybe you’d wanna join.”

She looks up at him, her lips curling up into a small smile.

“Are you sure?”

He nods immediately. “Yeah. It’s nothing crazy, just a few friends chilling around, having a few drinks, listen to some music. I think you could probably use the distraction.”

“I sure can.” She whispers, fingers reaching for the keys in her pocket.

“So can I expect you to be there?”

She nods. “Expect me to be there, cowboy.”

He looks at her sideways, his eyes squinting at her.

“Did you just come up with that?”

She smiles. “It’s been on my mind for a while.”

He shakes his head, a soft snicker escaping his lips. “I don’t know how to feel about that, to be honest.”

She shrugs playfully, shooting him one last look before walking back into the house.

“You better get used to it, cowboy.”

 

*

 

Though there are only five people in the house, it feels like a damn zoo. Everyone’s talking, everyone’s laughing and it doesn’t feel like a small get together at all. They’ve all settled down in the living room, the table loaded with comfort food that Endy brought, a bottle of vodka and pitcher of something she’s not quite sure about, all up for grabs.

She hasn’t felt out of place yet, and that’s something she’s for sure surprised about. It’s no secret that she’s not from here, and it’s also no secret that she’s feeling a little out of her element. She’s not sure whether they all truly like her, or if they’re just acting out of good-mannered hospitality, but it makes her less nervous nonetheless.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Gwen. Thank God you didn’t leave me alone with all these boys.”

Endy nudges her shoulder, the woman deciding early on that she was gonna sit next to Gwen on the couch for the remaining time left, having dealt with her brother and his friends enough to know that she needed that.

Gwen smiles. “I’m glad he invited me.”

Endy squints, her voice lowering in volume a bit.

“Girl, why wouldn’t he invite you? Of course he did.”

She wants to tell her it’s not all that black and white, but she decided against it, just nudging her back a little.

Gwen eyes move over to where Blake’s standing with a bottle of beer in his hands, talking to his friend that introduced himself as Luke earlier tonight. She enjoys the way Blake seems to genuinely appreciate the man’s presence and it’s for the first time in maybe forever she sees Blake truly tension-free.

“Can I get you girls anything else to drink?”

Gwen looks up to see Brandon standing in front of them, holding out his glass. She discovered tonight that he’s Blake’s manager and it still hasn’t quite hit her yet that he’s in the same industry as she is.

Endy replies before Gwen can. “Another red would be nice. What about you?”

It takes her a while to realize she’s being talked to, too deep in thought.

“Uhm, same for me please.”

Brandon just smiles before walking off, nodding. Gwen looks back at Endy, suddenly needing more information about this whole thing.

“Do you think Blake secretly minds that I didn’t know who he was?”

Endy smiles brightly, an amused laugh escaping her mouth.

“Gwen, I think that’s one of the reasons he enjoys you even more.”

Gwen squints her eyes, finding the words hard to believe.

“He said he Googled me.”

“He’s an idiot.” Endy replies quickly. “It took him my guidance to finally figure it out.”

Gwen laughs, the culture clash a serious one.

“It’s not like I expected him to know me.” She muses, her smile growing. “I mean, I honestly thought that if he’d find out, he’d be appalled.”

This time it’s his sister’s turn to look confused. “Why the hell would he be appalled by that?”

Gwen shrugs. “Aren’t I exactly what he _doesn’t_ want to be?”

Endy frowns, Gwen’s words obviously not resonating with her.

“You mean a badass rockstar with looks to kill for?”

Gwen can’t help but laugh at that, as it sounds a little ridiculous.

“You know your brother is a little anti-Hollywood, right?”

Endy nudges her again, this time more forcefully and she takes that as her cue to really pay attention to whatever she’s about to say next.

“Listen, Blake gets along with everyone, even when he pretends to be a hard ass sometimes. He’s been getting shit for being too ‘Hollywood’ his whole career; I think his repulsion has more to do with people telling him he’s not country enough, than it has with the actual place or the people living there.”

It’s crazy how every conversation with his sister reveals a whole other dimension to his being, and she’s once again left with so many questions.

“They say he’s not country enough?” Gwen asks quietly, shaking her head. “The man is literally a walking cowboy.”

Endy chuckles. “Well, I guess that’s a matter of opinion.”

“Does he even care about what people think of him like that?”

It’s a fair question, she thinks. She’s seen Blake do a lot of things, but caring about other people’s opinions of him hadn’t been one of them.

“More than he lets on.” Endy admits.

Their conversation gets interrupted by Brandon bringing them back their drinks, and both woman thank him sweetly. She can tell there’s something in Brandon’s eyes that reminds her of her own curiosity, and she’s not surprised at all when he takes a seat in front of them—apparently wanting in on the conversation.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” He says softly, his accent reminding her of Blake’s somewhat.

“I was just informing Gwen about what an idiot Blake is.” Endy replies playfully, giving Gwen a quick wink.

“I have plenty of stories for you about that too, if you want ‘em.” Brandon smiles.

Her eyes search the room again for Blake, finding him still in deep conversation with Luke. It’s crazy how even when his friends are being a little playful about him, she feels this deep urge to defend him.

“I’ll hold you to that.” Gwen decides on saying instead.

Brandon’s eyes narrow in on her, the words that had been laying on the tip of his tongue finally making their way out.

“How did you and Blake become close?”

She’s not quite surprised to hear the question coming from his mouth, but she’s not quite sure on how to answer it. She brings the glass of wine to her lips, giving herself a moment to formulate an answer.

“I rented the place next door. My kids started to take a real liking to him, so we naturally started to spend some more time together.”

None of what she just said is a lie, and she silently applauds herself for answering the way she did.

“I didn’t mean to be nosey.” His manager replies then, looking at her sweetly, yet a hint of concern still on his features too. “It’s just that he hasn’t been talking to many people lately, and the once he has surrounded himself with haven’t exactly been…. _you know_.”

No, she doesn’t know and she’s not sure she wants to, so she doesn’t ask.

“It’s okay.” She answers quickly, biting her lip. “I’m just glad to see him do a little better.”

“So am I.” Endy cuts in, visibly relieved.

“How long have you guys….” Brandon starts asking the question, and she can’t help but cut him off immediately.

“Oh no we’re not, we’re just friends.”

She can hear Endy chuckle under her breath, and no matter how much she’s grown attached to the woman, right now she could kill her.

“We’ve just been helping each other out. We’re both kind of going through the same thing at the same time.”

Brandon nods, not looking like he’s going to push it more and for that she’s grateful.

“I’m glad you’re able to help him, Gwen. In whatever way that is. He deserves that.”

She’s suddenly hit with how much she wants to be there for Blake; how badly she wants to make him feel better, feel more at peace. It’s clear that he’s still hurting and has trouble letting her in, and she can only imagine all the stuff that must’ve happened to make him that way.

“Yeah he does.” Gwen affirms silently, emotion suddenly settling in her throat.

She didn’t even realize Blake and Luke had been approaching and she damn near jumps when she hears Blake’s voice interrupting their little moment.

“I hope you’re not scaring the only two ladies who are willing to put up with me, man.”

Blake’s eyes are sparkling, his mood infectious as it’s so easy for him to make other people laugh. His manager pats his arm supportively, shooting him a playful grin.

“Don’t worry, I only said good things about you.”

Blake chuckles, lowering himself into one of the lounge chairs next to Luke.

“I _highly_ doubt that.”

Though she was afraid it would be, it’s not awkward at all when he joins them, and she’s pleasantly surprised to realize Blake’s actively trying to include her in the conversations at hand. It seems like they’ve truly turned a corner with that, and she can’t be anything but grateful.

The night goes by way too fast, and when Luke and Brandon both announce their departure soon, both having wives to come home to, she realizes how late it is already.

“We’ll see you soon, buddy.”

Blake hugs his friend’s goodbye and it feels strange almost to be the one still sitting here; like she’s somehow closer to him now, boundaries no longer being crossed as she sits on his couch at twelve o’clock at night.

Endy follows not long after, and she feels a strange sense of sadness when she leaves. She really has been growing attached to his sister, and when she promises Gwen she’ll come back to see both her and her brother again soon, she’s positive she just gained another friend.

“Do you have to go home yet?” Blake asks eventually, after being the only two left at his place.

She shakes her head, letting herself sink into his couch further.

“Not really. I could help you clean up some of this mess.” She offers.

Blake shakes his head no, but her mind is already made up. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.”

She’s up off the couch to join Blake by his side, smiling as he leads the way to the kitchen, picking some trash up off the dinner table as he goes. It’s easy and stress-free the way they move around in his kitchen; Gwen putting plates and glasses in the dishwasher, while Blake cleans up the mess that’s made on the kitchen counter and clears out the empty bottles laying around. Not many words are spoken, but she doesn’t feel like they have to.

“I’m glad you came, Gwen.” Blake’s voice addresses her sweetly.

“I’m glad you invited me.”

He leans into her space a little bit, reaching for the trash can. “Look at us, we came such a long way.”

She throws her head back while deciding to wash a plate by hand, as the dishwasher becomes full.

“Who knew there was actually a nice human being underneath all that tough exterior.”

Blake huffs, shaking his head. “I take it all back.”

She laughs inhibited. “No, you’re not.”

Blake reaches for the faucet in front of her, washing his hands when all is said and done and gesturing for her to hand him a towel.

“You have a scar.” She observes out loud when she catches the patch of skin on his wrist and upwards, his sleeve no longer covering it.

His bright blue eyes divert down to the place Gwen’s looking at, turning his arm so it becomes even more visible. He traces it with his index finger, following the roughness of skin.

“It happened when I was thirteen. I tried climbing over someone’s fence so I could invade their property.”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her mouth opening. “Are you telling me you were trespassing, Blake Shelton? The same thing you gave me shit for on my first day of getting here?”

Blake’s smile widens as she brings up the memory, his gaze boring into her.

“I was a teenage boy at the time, not an adult.” He defends himself smugly.

She shakes her head. “Why did you try to break into someone else’s house?”

“I wasn’t trying to break in. We just made these stupid bets where we would see how many times we could climb over fences unseen and then get the hell out.”

“But something went wrong, obviously.”

He laughs. “I got caught. I tried hauling my ass out of there and on my way down, I just kinda let myself drop to the ground, graced my arm along a sharp edge of the fence.”

She grimaces as he recalls the memory. “Sounds quite painful.”

Blake shrugs before his face takes on a more playful look again.

“You wanna kiss it?” He asks lowly, trying to contain his smirk. “My scar.”

She punches his shoulder, holding his gaze for a few solid moments. “You’re pushing your luck today, cowboy.”

Blake’s face scrunches up again, a soft chuckle escaping his lips.

“Not that damn nickname again.”

She smiles. “I told you it would stick.”

“You told me to get used to it.”

“Same difference.”

The mood suddenly feels like it’s changing, Blake’s eyes becoming more hooded as he licks his lips at the sight of her. She knows what’s coming, but she doesn’t make a move yet. At some point, Blake grows tired of waiting and instead of coaxing her towards him, he pushes her back against the dishwasher and kisses her hard.

Her hand flies to his hair while the other one curls around the fabric on his shoulder, pressing herself close enough to his chest that she can feel his heartbeat against her. She’s no stranger to his passion anymore, but she doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to the way he parts her lips and takes her breath away so easily.

His hands slide to each side of her hip, moving up just slightly to reveal some skin right above her waistline.

“Who knew that nickname would actually become your kryptonite?” She pants teasingly against his lips.

“You need to stop talking.”

His hands continue to feel her up, his lips moving down to her neck as they suck red marks into her skin.

She moans at the feeling of his lips there, holding onto him more tightly. “You don’t think we should talk about how me calling you cowboy _totally_ turns you on…”

His grunt against her skin makes her chuckle, his frustration palpable.

“Gwen, stop. talking.”

She shakes her head, teasing him way too much fun at the moment. Plus, the way intensity becomes much more apparent, is too damn arousing for her own good.

“Totally helpless to fight it.”

He grunts again. “You little shit.”

She squeals when he picks her up swiftly, lifting her out of the kitchen and upstairs without a second thought. The thought of stopping him doesn’t occur to her once, this being the one thing she could think about ever since his friends left. There’s a part of her physical desperation for him that scares her, but he takes these thoughts right out of her mind with how he strips her naked and touches her deliberately.

It’s all sweat and moans from then on, his soft encouragements whispered against the shell of her ear while he makes love to her like they both have something to prove. He doesn’t let her calm down until she’s riding out her second orgasm, and her chest is heaving violently when he pulls her against his chest, steadying both their breathing.

He doesn’t ask her to leave, and so she doesn’t.

It’s another night that consists of falling asleep next to Blake, and this time, he’ll have no choice but to be there when she wakes up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be quite angsty, I just thought I'd give a little warning...
> 
> Again, thank you so much for reading.


	10. Chapter 10

He’d smiled at her first thing in the morning. The gentle touch of his fingertips running down the skin of her arms easing her into the beginning of day. It’s scary how normal it felt, how not awkward it was. She forced herself to stay quiet throughout breakfast, not wanting to draw too much attention to the fact that she could get used to this. When he told her he had a place he wanted to show her, she was just happy to be getting out of the house; some fresh air would do her good. Some more time with Blake might not, but she’s not ready to give it up regardless.

And that’s how she finds herself here.

She stops in place—mesmerized, taken by the sight of still blue water lying like a painting along the shore. The place is a bit removed from the dock, free from any boats and the only thing she sees is water with no promise of ending. She can’t believe that she’s been here for almost two months and never knew this place existed. Blake hadn’t been lying when he said this place is too big for anyone to truly know everything. She knows she isn’t alone anymore when the silence around her suddenly feels more intimate, hearing his footsteps come nearer.

She dropped her towel besides the big tree, having slipped off her shoes and laying at the edge of the lake in nothing but her bikini. She doesn’t even think when she’s shedding pieces of clothing around him anymore, but she’s reminded of what they are when she catches him staring blatantly at her body.

He lowers himself on a towel next to her, dropping the cooler by his side.

“Beautiful.” He whispers before dragging his eyes back up to hers, motioning to the lake in front of them with a head tilt. “Don’t you think?”

She shakes her head, laughing at his obvious appraisal of her body.

“You’re not obvious at all.” She shoots back sarcastically, leaning back on both elbows.

He smirks. “You’re making it real easy on me, darlin’. That bikini is basically not even there.”

She looks semi-offended, pointing at the tiny piece of fabric that shields her most private areas from Blake’s wandering eyes.

“You know how much I paid for this thing?” She smiles, shaking her head at his ignorance.

“Hate to break it to ya sweetheart, but they ripped you off.”

She laughs louder this time, flipping him off effectively. The sounds of nature billowing in her ear bring her a sense of peace that she’s only ever felt here, and she feels the tension seep out of her bones with each exhale.

“I wish I could stay here.”

She didn’t even realize she said the words out loud, but Blake’s gaze on the side of her face intensifying shows her that she indeed did.

“Look at you, you’re becoming a real country girl.”

She smiles at Blake’s words, but for once she’s not looking for his approval—if anything, she’s looking for someone to tell her she can stay, for someone to tell her that real life can wait.

“I’ve been thinking about it more, you know? How we’re getting closer to having to pack up again and head back home. Bringing the kids to LAX was a reality check of some sorts, like it was the universe’s way of telling me I can’t escape it.”

“Why do you wanna escape it?”

She looks around the green of her surroundings, trying to let the picture in front of her ease the somewhat darker thoughts that now cloud her frontal lobe.

“My whole life played out there. Back there I’m the Gwen who let herself get fooled into a marriage that should never have happened. Back there I’m either the Gwen who’s known for writing songs about her shitty relationships or the pretty face who gave up her career to become a full-time mom. Either way, it’s not me, or at least not _all_ of me.”

“You think that running here somehow changes who you are?” Blake asks carefully, cocking his head when Gwen turns to look at him.

“Are you saying all those things are exactly who I am?”

He shakes his head, the hostile way in which she asked not seeming to scare him at all.

“I think you’re none of these things, actually. I think it’s how you see yourself though, and that won’t change by moving away from Los Angeles.”

She swallows roughly, the truth spilling from Blake’s lips hitting her hard. “Maybe I just don’t know who I am anymore.”

He blinks back at her, the look on his face a sympathetic one, yet lacking all pity.

“Luckily for you, you’re a writer. All you have to do is take a good listen to your discography and strip away all the bullshit, and you’ll have nothing but the real you staring back at ya.”

She fights the urge to cry, her eyes watering. “I don’t think I want to be that girl anymore.”

“What’s wrong with that girl?”

She huffs. “She’s naïve. She’s complaisant. Easily played.”

Blake’s eyes narrow on her. “You’ve never quite told me what happened between you and your ex-husband.”

She purses her lips together tightly. “I guess I haven’t.”

She tries to focus on anything but Blake’s intense stare on the side of her face, his eyes portraying such vulnerability, she’s unable to keep their gazes locked.

“I started dating Miranda when I was twenty-nine.” He starts unexpectedly, his voice a low murmur. “It was one of those ‘I never saw it coming, but it has to be right’ kinda things; I never had that type of connection with anyone before. I didn’t want to believe it when things started to go sour, and it took for her to cheat on me to realize I was holding onto something that was long gone.”

Somewhere along Blake’s words, she started crying. She looks at him in awe; in awe of his strength, and honesty, but mostly for the recognizable hurt she hears in his voice. It’s almost too much to have him tell her story back to her—just with his own personality as the main character.

She wipes at the tears that fall from her eyes, her breath hitching a few times.

“Blake I…. I’m so sorry.”

He smiles painfully. “Me too.”

She clears her throat, desperately latching onto the strength he just portrayed.

“Gavin was actually pretty clear about not really being the committing type when we started dating. It was just a thrill, you know, trying to tame him. I also never felt so attracted to anyone in my life; I couldn’t wrap my head around a connection like that not being right.”

He nods in understanding. “Love will cloud your judgement like nothing else can.”

She hums. “That’s an understatement. I felt like he really loved me too though, and at times he’d show it for months on end.”

“It’s what made you stay.”

She nods. “ _That_ and the kids.”

“Those kids are lucky to have you, Gwen.” Blake says softly, his gaze once again searching for hers and this time she does lock eyes. “It’s clear they adore you and I’ve never not seen you give your all to these boys.”

She tears up again, biting her lip. “I just feel like I have to give them so much more, just to compensate for breaking up their family.”

“First off…” Blake murmurs. “You didn’t break their family up; _he_ did. Second of all, I come from a broken family as well and grew up with way less than these boys have—I think I turned out alright.”

His goofy smile has made its way back to his face, and her eyes widen.

“Your parents got divorced?” She asks softly.

He nods. “My parents divorced around the time I was the same age as Kingston.”

Blake’s special connection with her oldest son suddenly starts making even more sense, and she fights all the conflicting feelings that come with that discovery.

“How did you deal with it?”

He shrugs. “You just move on eventually. It stays with you forever, but it’s not the end of the world. Kids bounce back much easier than you think, Gwen.”

She smiles softly, expressing her gratitude in the only way she knows how.

“Plus I did a lot of trespassing and other stupid shit, just to piss of my parents.” He adds.

Gwen snaps her head back at him, watching him bite back a laugh. She slaps his arm as she starts laughing too, lowering herself back onto her towel.

“Oh god, you better not give them any ideas.”

His laugh is a loud and comforting sound. “I’ll try not to.”

It’s quiet for a while, his presence all she needs to feel herself calm down again. It’s the first time she went in depth about some things that have happened, and she’s surprised at how easy it was to keep going when she finally started.

The conversation seems to have died down, and she lets herself relax for a bit. Between the sun shining down on her and Blake’s frame lying closely next to her, she feels her skin heating up quickly. It’s seconds before she’s jumping up from her towel and steps down the incline of unruly ground.

It doesn’t take her more than four steps to be standing at the edge of water in front of her, enjoying the clear blue colour in front of her. The colour that she can’t help but associate with Blake now. She dips her feet into the water first, jumping a little at the temperature.

She can still feel Blake’s gaze on her back, and she wonders how long it’ll take him to join her.

Apparently, the answer is not long, because Blake’s figure appears next to her, smiling softly. Maybe she should’ve seen it coming, but her squeak is loud when his arms suddenly surround her waist from behind and tug her with him into the freezing water. Her yell is sharp, followed by a loud laugh, her hands desperately searching for Blake’s taller frame. She latches on to his shoulders and pulls herself upward and flush against his chest.

He’s looking at her with a smug look, his arms around her lower back.

“Blake Shelton, that was so mean.”

He laughs. “You were taking way too long.”

“I literally _just_ started dipping my feet.”

He looks at her sideways. “Only kids dip their feet before they jump in the water.”

“Alright, tough guy.”

As she continues to cling on him, she feels the water move softly around her body, caressing her waistline. In the breeze, she feels slightly cold, but the sun on her back heats it up again quickly. Here in Blake’s arms, she could stay like this for hours and not give a damn. It scares her how easy it is to feel content with his arms securely around her, and so she does what she’s been meaning to do ever since their conversation had ended earlier.

Her lips cover his gently at first, her arms around his neck tightening. She smiles when she feels him reciprocate the kiss with just as much passion, licking his way into her mouth with his usual desire. It’s no surprise she feels her body submit to his passion immediately, her tongue dancing with his as the water around them cools her overheating body.

She moves her mouth down to his jawline, before nipping at the skin below his ear.

“You shouldn’t be this good of a kisser.” She mouths against him.

He groans. “Don’t start something you don’t intend on finishing.”

She closes her eyes from where she’s still pressed against him, her mouth halting their demonstrations while her body remains tightly pressed against his chest.

“I couldn’t help myself.”

He nods. “The next time I’m fucking you right here.”

She’s tempted to let him have his way with her right here, but she promised to be back at the house in time to FaceTime her kids, plus she’s not quite sure about how private this part of the lake is; a part of her not quite comfortable with going there just yet.

She places another kiss on his jawline, looking up at him mischievously. “You promise?”

She doesn’t blame him when he creates a bit of distance between their bodies, splashing some water her way as indication he’s onto her teasing. She smiles throughout the whole interaction, a voice in the back of her mind actively telling her how deep she’s in it with him—it becomes harder and harder to fool her heart into tricking this is only casual.

She pushes these thoughts to the back of her head, letting the cold water around her ease the last bit of tension out of her body. Blake stretches out his hand for her to grab, as he helps her out of the water and wraps the towel around her dripping body. She catches him checking her out a few more times, but for the most part, he keeps it rather innocent. A few touches here and there, until they’re walking back to the house.

She’s sad for their time together to be over for a little bit, but she’s excited to talk to her children again; having looked forward to calling them ever since she got up this morning.

The rest of the evening goes by surprisingly fast. She talks to her children, who are painfully excited to come back to her—and Blake. The conversation goes by too quickly, having seen their pretty faces only making her miss them more. She decides on taking a long shower, washing away the filthy lake water and relaxing her muscles that have involuntarily knotted up again after hearing Gavin’s voice in the background of their phone call. It took her a lot not to start crying on the phone with them, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

She warms herself a quick meal that goes down painfully hard, her appetite just not really there anymore. She thinks about bothering Blake again, but he’d told her that he had some things to do as well, and it wouldn’t hurt her to start bringing some distance between them; her heart growing way too attached to him, way too quickly.

She eventually calls her brother, needing to vent about everything to someone who’ll understand, to someone who also knows everyone involved; from her kids, to her ex-husband, and even Blake.

“Please don’t tell me you’ve been doing anything stupid.” Todd begs her, as she can picture the horrified expression on her brother’s face.

“It’s been good for me, Todd. He’s been helping me.”

The words sound stupid to her, so incredibly transparent, she wishes she hadn’t spoken them at all.

“Help you _how_?” Todd pushes.

“I don’t know.” She sighs. “As in being there for me, spending time with me, letting me vent.”

“That’s it?” Her brother quips knowingly, obviously getting at something.

She sighs, pressing the phone tighter against her ear.

“It’s complicated.”

“Like hell it is.”

She closes her eyes, unsure of how to make it sound any better than it is.

“I don’t want to make things even more difficult.” She admits softly. “It’s just—he gets me, you know? I need that. I don’t think that’s wrong of me.”

She sounds like she’s trying to convince herself as much as she’s trying to convince her brother, and the sound is probably what makes Todd go a bit easier on her.

“Listen, you deserve to have someone you can lean on, and from what I could see, Blake’s an awesome guy.”

She squints her eyes. “I feel a ‘but’ coming.”

“He’s damaged and if you’re using him for anything—you can bet your ass he’s doing the same thing.”

The words settle painfully inside her, though using each other is exactly what they agreed on doing; they just used prettier words.

“I’ve got it under control.” She lies, feeling her body become heavier as the reality of the situation truly sets in.

“How are you doing with the kids being gone for the week?”

She’s grateful for her brother to change the subject, though the absence of her kids isn’t one she enjoys talking about either.

“It’s only three more days.” She reminds herself, trying to bite back tears. “It’s hard, but I just try to hold on to the fact they’re coming back soon.”

“You survived this week.”

She huffs. “Barely.”

“But you did.” Todd chimes in determinedly. “You need to give yourself more credit, sis. I know you feel like you’re hanging on by a thin thread, but you’re doing just fine. Aside from this whole Blake mess, that is.”

She can’t help but laugh a little, shaking her head. “You’re crazy, but thank you. I’m feeling a bit tired though, I’ll text you tomorrow?”

“Sure. We miss you out here.”

She smiles. “I miss you guys too.”

“Try to get some sleep.”

Today’s event finally start catching up with her, and her fatigue is quickly taking over. The minute the line disconnects, she’s making a move to head upstairs, craving the warmth and safety of her covers.

She’s about to head upstairs, when she hears sounds coming from Blake’s driveway, her body drawn towards the large patio doors as she tries to get a view. It reminds her of when she first got here, how Blake had intrigued her from the start and she sometimes would catch herself looking just a tad too long.

Her throat dries up when she sees where the sound is coming from this time though, or more so, from _whom_.

The girl was definitely a bit younger than Blake, if she had to guess she’d say early thirties—at the latest. She tries to push back tears as she watches Blake slide an arm around her back, ushering her towards the house. She can hear the girl talking all the way until she’s inside, and though she can’t make out the exact words, it sounds like she’s ready to party.

She can’t make out Blake’s facial expressions, but the way he handles the girl seems to portray genuine care—though that could also be credited to his deep-rooted chivalry. She wants to look away, but something about the way the girl is hanging onto his arm, letting her head rest against his shoulder, is nailing her to the spot.

They’re finally out of sight, the sound of the girl’s voice only a memory now.

She wills herself to breathe, reminding herself that Blake has every right to be with whoever he wants to; they’re not a couple, he’s just her friend.

Her vision becomes blurry, some tears eventually finding their way out again as she forces herself upstairs with heavy legs. She knew something like this would happen at some point, and she convinced herself she’d be ready for whenever that was.

This was her idea, for heaven’s sake.

She should’ve known that she’d never be able to keep it strictly casual with Blake. Despite the issues they’ve had with each other, it’s undeniable that he gets her in a way not many people do. Not many people _have_. He’s been good for her, even while messing her head up at times too. Getting to know him means getting to know herself a bit more, and now she’s on the verge of losing that, she finally realizes she’s been taking it for granted. Blake hadn’t texted or called her today at all, not after their little moment on the lake earlier this morning. She didn’t think much of it; her own needy ways not ones she can project on him—he didn’t do anything wrong.

She can’t help but wonder if this girl has anything to do with Blake’s sudden radio silence. It’s not weird for them not to talk during the day, both living their own life when they’re not hanging out together, which is the way they both agreed it should be. Everything just feels so wrong now.

Her sanity doesn’t make sense anymore, all her facts become questions and her feelings become unbearable.

She needs sleep. Lots of it. If God wants to give her one final gift, he’ll let her wake up realizing this was all a bad dream and Blake’s still hers.

Exclusively.

 

 

*

 

Her first instinct was to stay in bed and sleep the whole day away; not feeling like getting out there and face the day ahead. She’s been doing too much of that before she came to the lake house though, and if she’s learned anything by now, it’s that it never makes her feel better. Her legs feel heavy as she forces them down the stairs, having tried at making herself appear at least presentable, her hair up in a tidy bun.

Her night’s sleep hadn’t done much to make her feel rested, her energy quite low. She thinks about maybe driving around a bit, or making another stop at the bakery. A bit of comfort food might be all she needs.

The sun is already shining when she walks down her piece of land, her eyes squinting at the bright beams of sunrays. She wishes the bright hues of lights could somehow find its way inside of her, lighting her up and effectively erase all the darkness out of her. If she could, she would ignore everything that wasn’t happy, everything that wasn’t in line with what she wanted to be. Instead, she’s stuck with the bitter feeling she was losing Blake and the miserable feeling of missing her children.

She’s about to reach her car, when she hears someone call her name.

 _Blake_.

As much as she wants to turn around and face him, she can’t.

“You must’ve been deep in thought.” He chuckles. “I’ve called your name three times.”

She swallows roughly, hating how his voice sounds cheerful as ever. Keeping her eyes to the ground, she eventually turns around to face him.

“Gwen, you alright?” His voice sounds worried, and frustratingly unknowing.

She snaps her eyes up at him, fixing him a hopeless stare. Words line up at the tip of her tongue, but she tries desperately at keeping herself in check.

“Yeah.” She answers hoarsely, sighing deeply. “I was about to go for a drive.”

“I can see.”

He’s still looking at her with a smile on his face and the sight has never hurt this much before. Adverting her gaze away from him, she begins unlocking her car, needing some space badly.

“I’ll see you around, Blake.”

“Gwen, what’s going on? Talk to me.”

“Nothing’s _go_ — “

“Don’t lie to me.” Blake interjects pointedly, having stepped closer to her by now.

She drops her hand from the car handle, giving in to his demand.

“I’m just getting used to what we’re doing here.” She says briskly, feeling the words burn in her throat. “I don’t want to talk about it and I _definitely_ don’t want to hear any details.”

Blake just looks at her confused, frowning. “What are you talking about?”

She huffs. “Oh come on, Blake, drop it already. I saw her last night.”

It’s quiet for a few moments, Blake’s eyes widening as recognition hits.

“This is about Jenna?” His voice holds a shimmer of amusement and Gwen feels like throwing up at the sound. Almost as much as she wants to throw up at knowing her name.

 _Jenna_.

She shakes her head, looking away. “Whatever Blake, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You brought it up.”

“You asked me.” She fires back, instantly growing angrier.

He steps another inch closer and she’s about to hold out her hands to indicate he has to stop, but he doesn’t push that far. There’s about one more step between them, and she can feel her heart starting to race.

“You don’t have anything to be jealous about.”

There’s a brief pause. “It didn’t quite look like that, Blake. She seemed pretty eager to get with you, from the looks of it.”

He chuckles, biting his lip. “You don’t have anything to be jealous about, because this is not what we’re doing here. You said so yourself; friends who make each other feel better at times. Isn’t that what we are?”

“And who is she?”

“She’s my friend. She has been for a very long time, and she comes over sometimes.”

Gwen nods, her heart still feeling heavy.

“So you’re not sleeping with her?”

He sighs, and she can actively feel her heart drop. The look in his eyes reminds her of the one she’s seen plenty of times before when she was about to get her heart broke. There’s a brief crack in his demeanour, and even as he stands in front of her now, he still looks like beautiful devastation.

“You are.” She states matter of factly, her voice breaking.

“Gwen, she’s my friend, we’re not dating, but yeah—sometimes we do. It doesn’t mean anything, it’s just casual.”

He couldn’t have said anything worse, her stomach turning painfully. She wills her eyes away from his, thanking the heavens for having her car to lean against. Her legs feel unsteady, her heart feeling like it’s on the verge of splitting in two.

“Just like us.”

She feels sick all the sudden, her mind filling with images of Blake and Jenna on the couch, in his bed, on the floor. It’s all too much and she’s fighting to keep her eyes from spilling a river of tears, her gaze boring a hole into the ground.

“I’ve known her for a long time and we started doing that even before you moved here. I didn’t think you’d want me to stop since you made it clear you wanted no strings.”

“Was she the one who texted you the first time you hung out at my house?” Gwen asks, ignoring his little explanation, remembering when his phone wouldn’t stop buzzing that second night on her patio.

Blake nods. “Yeah.”

“You left my place after flirting with me all night, to go screw her.”

She can’t help herself and locks eyes with him again, watching as he chews on the inside of his cheek.

“I don’t know why you’re making this such a huge problem, Gwen. I really don’t.”

“How many other girls do you have this kind of relationship with?”

Annoyance flashes on his features, his jaw locking. “You were the one who told me not to see this as more than it is, you told me you wanted this. If you’re backing out, that’s fine—but don’t make me the bad guy, Gwen. Don’t do it.”

His determination staggers her, but she feels as fired up as ever.

“You could’ve told me.” She states angrily. “You could’ve told me I wasn’t the only one you did this with.”

“Why?” He retorts equally as frustrated.

“Are you saying you wouldn’t want to know if it were the other way around?”

“Yes.” He hisses, nodding. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. In fact, I would want you to keep that shit far, _far_ away from me.”

She shakes her head, her eyes filling. “I just need honesty.”

“Nothing happened between Jenna and I last night.” He says lowly, his voice still annoyed, but a little less intense. “Apparently, it’s a trend for drunk girls to knock on my door when they want some, and as I told you before too, I’m not about to take advantage of a drunk woman. I called her a cab and sent her home.”

There’s a loud silence between them, his tall frame towering over her a bit.

“What if she hadn’t been drunk? Would you have slept with her then?”

Blake sighs deeply. “Gwen, I……I don’t know. Maybe.”

She cusses at herself for getting emotional, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of watching her break over this.

“Gwen, you know that what we’re doing is not exclusive, right? That’s not how friends with benefits work.”

She swallows roughly, clearing her throat. “I know.”

“If I wanted to sleep with her, I could’ve.”

She looks up at him angrily, cocking her head.

“I know, Blake. I’m sorry she was drunk, that must’ve _really_ ruined your plans.”

Just like that, his features harden up again and he’s looking at her like she’s a puzzle he just can’t solve.

“This is ridiculous! You’re saying you want nothing more but friendship from me, yet here you are arguing with me like you’re my damn girlfriend.”

She tries to ignore the deep feeling of want that washes over her at the thought of being his girlfriend, reminding herself of how messed up she is. Remembering the mess this man in front of her is. This dynamic only works because they’re both equally messed up, and wanting more from this man will only hurt her. He’s proving that to her right now.

“I need to get out of here. Clear my mind.” She says hoarsely, biting her lip so hard she can taste blood.

It fills her with even more sorrow to see Blake wave his hand like he doesn’t care, like he’s sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. It’s the one look she hoped she’d never evoke from him. He throws his hands up, backing away from her slightly.

“Sure. I’m over it.”

She can’t do nothing but lie to him.

“So am I.”

“Just….” Blake shakes his head, waving his hand between them once more. “…. make up your damn mind.”

 

*

 

She tried hard at keeping herself busy during the day, avoiding coming back to her property until well after dinner time. The conversation with Blake kept replaying itself in her brain, like her mind was persistent on having it on a constant loop, having her on the verge of tears all day. It shouldn’t hurt her this much, not being the only one who gets to be with Blake in that way, but she’s not surprised that it does either. She’s built so many walls around herself, and somehow she always finds herself on the lonely side of it.

With Blake’s friendship, she’s started to feel like there was hope she could tear those down eventually, brick by brick. With Blake’s help, she _still_ thinks that’s possible. She can’t lose that yet, and the thought of that maybe happening makes her eyes become glossy with tears. She tries to blink them away, but all it does is make sure they run down her cheeks. She gives herself another ten minutes to pick herself back up, her mind made up as she knows what to do.

It’s a little before ten o’clock when she’s back on his doorstep, the darkness from outside matching most of her mood from today. Blake’s face doesn’t portray much more light when he’s faced with her again, yet he doesn’t slam the door in her face either—which she counts as a definite win.

“Are you here to check if I’m alone?”

She swallows loudly, biting the inside of her cheek. Though she feels like she deserves it, she’s in no state to handle Blake’s smart remarks.

She shakes her head. “Actually, I’m here to apologize.”

Blake’s gaze lingers on her relentlessly, not making a move to step aside or let her in.

“I shouldn’t have gotten jealous.” She continues, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You’re right; it’s not what we’re doing and you don’t have to answer to me.”

He scoffs, finally moving away from the door so it allows her to walk inside.

“Where even were you all day?” He asks pointedly, walking into the living room.

She nods. “I had to clear my mind.”

“You could’ve done that here.”

“I couldn’t. _You’re_ here.”

He turns around to face her again, not realizing how close she actually was. They both take a step back, creating a little bit of space.

“So did it work?”

She cocks her head, confused.

“Clearing your mind, did it work?” Blake clarifies.

“Yeah. I wanna keep doing this.” She admits, forcing her gaze to remain on him. “I want to keep doing this, no strings attached. We’ll do what we’ve always done, but cut back a bit on the times we spend alone together. I don’t want any more romantic days with you swimming in the lake, or you taking me out to dinner. We can just be neighbours who can vent to each other and occasionally do more.”

The words feel weird coming out of her mouth; her heart and mind never having been more at odds then right now.

He huffs. “You just keep on running.”

“I’m not running.” She defends herself. “I’m just protecting myself from getting hurt.”

“Why would you get hurt, Gwen?” He steps closer to her, realizing she just let something important slip and she feels her heart sink as she realizes it too. “Why would this hurt you?”

She swallows roughly, shaking her head.

“Just in case.” She whispers.

He’s standing so close to her; she can basically hear his heartbeat. She knows what he’s trying to get at, and if she wasn’t so damn scared all the time, she would’ve told him. She thinks he might deserve it, despite today’s revelations.

He must see that she won’t go there though, because his eyes darken as they take in her flustered form. She fights multiple wars going on inside, and she misses the moment entirely when Blake decides he’s had enough.

His move away from her is swift, his legs carrying himself over to the dinner table as his arm swiftly swipes all contents off it. She jumps a little when he sends some objects flying to the ground, her mouth opening in question before he walks back over to where she’s standing. His lips find hers roughly, giving her no chance to speak. Blake’s fingers tangle into her hair and she moans against his lips when he hoists her up and carries her over to the table. Her back collides with it less than gently, her gasp loud in the room.

She’s seen Blake passionate before, but she’s never seen him this dark. This frustrated.

She knows she should probably talk about this, but she can’t get her mouth to work as Blake’s hands move down to the button of her jeans, undoing it swiftly as he yanks them down her legs. She lets him take off her shirt next, gripping his head and pulling it down so he can meet her for another burning kiss. The short stubble on his cheek provides the familiar burn against her chin, causing her lips to part on another moan.

She licks her lips when she watches Blake pull his shirt over his head, before roughly disregarding his own jeans and boxers. He’s back onto her as soon as he’s done, his hands holding onto her hips to keep her in place. Though he’s restricting most of her movements, it’s too hot to complain about.

It shouldn’t be this easy to become putty in his hands, and yet that’s exactly what she is.

Blake pushes her legs apart with a practised hand, his finger doing a quick swipe against her center to see if she’s ready and the air effectively leaves her lungs. She sucks her lower lip between her teeth when she feels him press into her without warning, his hands now tugging at both of her legs to hook them around his waist. The position allows him to glide in even deeper and she can’t help but let out a loud wail.

“That’s right, Gwen.” He grunts, one hand slipping towards the edge of the table for leverage. “Fuck, you’re tight.”

She closes her eyes, her hand searching for anything to hold on to, but coming up empty. The feeling of Blake pounding into her with an intensity he hasn’t before has her closer to the edge in record time. She tries to breathe, but every breath she sucks into her lungs leaves way too quickly and instead comes out short and broken.

“Is this what you want, Gwen?” He speaks the words in between grunts, his hips relentless as they thrust up into her.

“Blake, I need— “

Before she can finish her sentence, he slips out of her and manhandles her back onto her feet, her knees buckling as he holds her up. She smiles when he turns her around and bends her over, her chest now laying against the table as her hands manage to hold on to the edge. This way she has something to hold on to, some leverage to move against him, and she’s grateful that he knew what she needed without too many words.

Her mouth opens on a gasp when he enters her from behind, the new position hitting spots that make her see stars immediately. She can feel the beginnings of an orgasm building and she closes her eyes, trying hard to fight it—not wanting it to end too soon.

Her hands tighten around the edge of the table, panting loudly.

“Blake, please, oh god.” Her voice trails off at a particularly hard thrust, her knuckles turning white from how hard she’s gripping the table.

“What do you want?”

“I want you.” She breathes, her mind going blank with pleasure.

“Not good enough.” He snarls, pushing himself deeper inside of her.

She wants to yell or cry, or maybe both, the feeling of him taking her out of her skin too much to bear and she just needs him to finish it, to change his angle just a little bit or bring his hand down to her clit. Anything.

“ _Fuck_.” She whimpers, moving back against him. “Please make me come, Blake. I need you so badly right now.”

She braces herself even more as he begins an unforgiving rhythm against her, each thrust seemingly deeper than the last. His hand snakes back into her hair, pulling slightly, but she’s unable to make any sounds other than the small whimpers of pain and pleasure he’s ripping from her throat as he forces her body to accommodate to his. He slips his free hand down her back, her skin slick from sweat as she struggles to keep herself up. His fingers finally find her clit, and just like that, she’s lost in an overwhelming surge of pleasure, shaking uncontrollably as the table serves as the only thing keeping her up.

“Blake…” She gasps, shutting her eyes tightly.

“Come for me baby.”

No sooner than the words leave his mouth, she cries out in ecstasy, her walls convulsing around him. She shudders against the strong hands that hold her down, his strength and obvious control in this moment only cause to prolong the sensations. She feels him give into pleasure himself soon too; driving inside of her one last time before falling over the edge and groaning loudly. He collapses against her, her arms hurting from keeping herself up for so long, and her chest heaving against the hard surface beneath her.

Neither one say anything, instead they even out their breathing and regain some of their senses. Eventually he wraps his arms around her waist, helping to pull her back into a standing position. She steadies herself by gripping his arms, his much taller frame towering over her as he holds her close. It’s almost too intimate of a moment for the fucking they just did—and as much as she enjoyed what just happened, she’s also not oblivious to what this was.

 

This was Blake telling her this is casual.

 

This is Blake showing her everything they’re not.

 

And though it’s much less scary than the alternative, it’s not any less painful.


	11. Chapter 11

_He walks towards her with a mission, his hands already shredding the black leather jacket off his shoulders. Gwen takes a deep breath as she steps forward, meeting him in the middle. His hands are rough on her hips, pulling her in with calloused fingers. His sudden passion is a nice change from most times, as she started to lose confidence in her ability to even turn him on at all. It’s beyond nice to feel his hands roughly pull her shirt over her head, his hands keeping her in place while he pushes his tongue down her throat. She doesn’t tell him to slow down when he holds her a bit too tightly, though she thinks he might leave bruises on her soft skin. She doesn’t tell him anything in favour of him continuing to shed her clothes; his own shirt off and revealing his toned chest underneath, his pants already pooling at his feet. His one gentle move comes from shimming her own pants down, using his arms to keep her steady._

_And that’s when she smells it._

_It’s sudden and overwhelming. The smell of a perfume that isn’t hers, the smell of his special cologne he hasn’t worn in ages. His hands still cup the sides of her face, kissing her with longing, but she can’t reciprocate. She can’t even breathe. Her brain tries to push back common sense, trying to focus on his lips on hers, but all she can think about is what’s right in front of her._

_Not again. Not again._

_The words play on a loop in her mind, her eyes watering as she finally finds the strength to keep him at arm’s length, his brow furrowing._

_“What?” He asks confused, his hands reaching out for her again._

_His face grows agitated when she swats them away again, continuing to create some space. She feels beyond vulnerable standing in nothing but her underwear, keeping a safe distance from the man who was supposed to protect her. Love her._

_“Where did you go today?” She whispers roughly, soft and a little broken. “And don’t you dare say the studio, cause you and I both know that’s not true.”_

_She tries not to cry when he steps forward again, instead she takes a few steps back, trying to stop the inevitable. He catches up to her fast, his arms hooking around her waist, as they come to rest on her lower back. He guides her into him swiftly, her chest flush against his in this position._

_“Don’t freak yourself out, love. We’re good.”_

_She wants to believe those words so badly; she thinks she might be able to convince herself. She’s done it before—it might take an emotional toll on her health, but she can do it._

_“I went out with a few friends.” He says eventually, the look in his eyes a soft one, and she hates how he knows exactly how to play her. “We had one or two drinks, talked a bit about our upcoming projects and went home. I went home.”_

_She nods, swallowing roughly. “You did.”_

_He smiles. “I will always come home to you, Gwen.”_

_His hands rise again to frame her face, and it’s so soft and so tender, she hates him for it. She hates him for only ever giving her what she wants when he needs something, when he needs to manipulate her. She suddenly finds herself overcome with emotion, chocking back the tears._

_“I can smell her on you, you know.”_

_She feels a stray tear roll down her cheeks, wishing she could stop caring so much. He continues to hold her, yet his features toughen up a bit. It looks like he’s about to let go of his arms around her, but instead he lets go emotionally and delivers the blows she knew he was going to, eventually._

_“It’s not serious, you know that.”_

_It’s like the world stops for a minute, no matter how many times she’s heard those words out of his mouth before._

_“Then why do you keep doing it?”_

_He sighs, and she wants to laugh at how ironic it is that he’s the one getting frustrated._

_“We’re just friends.”_

_Her breathing staggers, the image of her husband hanging out with someone who isn’t her, telling his stories, his secrets, to someone that isn’t her filling her head. His hands touching on someone else’s skin that doesn’t belong to her, making her want to throw up._

_“Are there more?” She whispers, unable to look at him while she shatters into a million pieces._

_He shakes his head. “It’s not like that.”_

_She closes her eyes, feeling more tears find their way out._

_“Friends don’t sleep with each other, Gavin.”_

_“I love you. I don’t love her.” He tells her confidently, his arms around her feeling strangely comforting as they’re the only things that are keeping her standing. “Not like I love you.”_

_The words finally break her, her whole body coming forward as it crashes against him. She drapes herself over him, her face burying in his neck as she cries. She’s torn between wanting to push him away, but his strong hold on her is exactly what she needs right now. She feels his head lowering to her hair, pressing kisses there, and it’s insane how he’s the most caring when he’s piecing her together after breaking her apart._

_He will never be faithful to her, just like she will never be faithful to herself. It’s a vicious cycle she knows won’t ever be broken unless she does it, and by the way her heart feels like it’s tearing right in half, she knows time is seriously running out. Her hands are shaking, the air in her lungs leaving way too quickly, and the weight of the world seems to press down on her shoulders. It’s too much. Her heart has been getting used to being number two for so long, she doesn’t even know what being someone’s one and only feels like._

_She needs to start being her own._

_Weak hands start pushing against his chest, her body slowly moving out of his grasp. She looks at him with all the strength she can muster, but it will never be enough. She’ll never be able to convey all he took from her; all the nights they’ve been apart, all the love she’s been denied._

_“You need to leave.”_

_His face constricts like she just physically slapped him, and part of her wishes she did._

_“Gwen, you need to think about what you’re doing…”_

_“I know exactly what I’m doing, Gavin.” She retorts hoarsely, her tears still coming down. “I need you to pack your shit and leave. Now.”_

_His unwillingness to put up a fight shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, his acceptance of being shown the door way too easy. She tries not to show him any more weakness, putting her clothes back on as she waits it out in the living room, not giving him as much as another look when he comes out with two large travel bags._

_She knows they’ll never be able to get past this, coming to terms with all his shit becoming impossible to do. She also knows it’s too easy for her to sacrifice her own peace of mind, and the feeling of never quite matching up being so familiar it’s almost addictive._

_She cries when he leaves, but not because she’s left alone; but because she knows she’ll eventually let him come back._

 

*

 

She didn’t see him at all yesterday. She’s seen him walk up and down his property, and she saw him take Betty up on the lake once, but she didn’t actually see him. They didn’t spent time together like she somewhat got accustomed to, and they definitely didn’t talk. It’s been weird taking her distance again, especially after what happened the last time they were together. She missed it though—even after one day, and so when he invited her again to a party that she probably should’ve said no to, she couldn’t help herself.

The beer bottle in her hand is still full, barely having touched it, and she blames it on not really being a beer person as much as she blames it on the stranger who’s been desperate to talk to her. She doesn’t mind it necessarily, but she could come up with at least one person she’d rather have a conversation with—and it’s not this guy.

“I don’t know what Blake did right this time, but he sure hit the jackpot befriending you.”

She smiles a bit uneasy, not exactly knowing how to feel about being Blake’s ‘friend’ anymore.

“It’s nice knowing someone out here.” She says sweetly, taking another small sip from the bottle in her hands, enjoying the cold against her palm.

“You like it here?” Chris asks, his smile a wide one.

She nods. “It’s beautiful.”

His eyes hone in on her in a more than obvious way, and if her heart wasn’t totally set on someone else, she would’ve considered it flattering.

“That’s something you and this place have in common then.”

She laughs quietly, shaking her head.

“I think you might’ve had too many of those.” She jokes, pointing at the bottle of beer in his hands.

“My eyes don’t lie, darling.”

It’s been a while since she’s been actively hit on in this way, and it’s been even longer since she’s been free to do something about it. She’s reminded of how conflicted she is when Blake’s voice becomes apparent from behind her, talking to someone else, but suddenly much closer in proximity.

“Thank you.” She murmurs bashfully, her eyes meeting Chris’s in slight embarrassment.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” He addresses precisely, his voice a mix between kindness and regret.

“No, it’s okay.” She shakes her head, feeling bad about her reaction. “It’s just…it’s been a while since anyone, _you know_ …”

Chris eyes widen, taking another swig of his beer. “Are you kidding? I find that hard to believe.”

She chuckles. “Maybe I should go out more.”

She can still feel Blake’s presence on her back, his presence wildly noticeable, even while he’s out of her sight and not mingling with her at all. She wonders if he can hear the conversation at hand, and realizes there’s no way that he can’t.

“I wouldn’t mind helping you with that. “Chris eventually says, and though she’s not necessarily surprised to hear the words come out of his mouth, she is in fact flustered. “If you want, I could take you out sometime?”

Her head spins with the numerous things happening in the moment, and she looks at him a little surprised, fumbling with her words.

“I uhm, I don’t— “

“—We could just get a drink or grab a bite, nothing fancy.” He interrupts, his hand landing on her upper arm. “Just think about it.”

She nods softly, still overwhelmed. “Yeah, I…sure, I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I’m asking.” He replies softly, his hand sliding off her arm.

“Are you always this forward?” She asks after regaining some of her bearings, looking at him daringly.

He winks at her before finishing the last contents of his beverage.

“Only when I think it’s worth it.”

She nods. “Smooth.”

“You gotta bring out the big guns when you’re talking to a lady as pretty as you.”

“And you gotta stop hitting on my friend, man.”

Blake’s voice startles her, her eyes widening when he appears into her view. His hand lands on Chris’s shoulder, looking at him friendly, but Gwen can see a layer of frustration pooling right below the surface.

Chris laughs, oblivious to how serious Blake is.

“Gwen and I were just talking about how you seriously upgraded your taste in friends.”

Blake hums. “I sure did.”

His gaze locks with Gwen’s, and she tries desperately not to let it get to her.

When Chris addresses her again too, she feels like she might explode with all the different feelings tearing at her insides.

“You want another drink, gorgeous?”

Her eyes widen, and before she can say anything, Blake’s turning his attention back to his friend.

“Hey, I’m serious…” His voice is still soft, but it gets undeniably lower with each syllable. “Back off a little.”

Chris looks at him surprised, his brow furrowing.

“Are you two—“

“No!” Gwen interjects, shooting Blake an angry stare as she quickly gets worked up.

“You’re making her uncomfortable.” Blake adds, his voice steady.

“ _Blake_!” Gwen hisses, in disbelief over his words, his audacity infuriating her.

“It’s okay.” Chris intervenes, his hand patting Blake’s shoulder twice. “I get it brother man, don’t worry.” He looks at them knowingly and she wants to throw up at how transparent Blake’s being with his obvious jealousy. His eyes look back to Gwen, giving her a kind nod. “It was nice meeting you, Gwen.”

She can’t even properly respond to him, her mouth feeling too dry to talk. She waits until he’s walked back up the property, her breathing gotten louder as she feels herself grow angrier with the minute. She keeps her eyes away from Blake, unable to look at him, though she addresses him sharply.

“We need to talk.”

She can hear him sigh, his legs carrying him down to where his truck is parked on the beginning of his land.

“What the _hell_ was that?” She asks angrily, shaking her head while she follows Blake down to his car. He starts retrieving another six-pack from the backseat, ignoring her completely. “Hey, I’m talking to you.”

He turns around swiftly, causing her to take a careful step back.

“He needed to chill.”

She lets his word mingle with the sounds of nature, shaking her head. He knows he’s not being fair, just as much as she does. She’s not sure what irritates her the most; his selfish reasoning or the fact that he won’t acknowledge what this thing between them has become.

He turns back to his car, attending to some more groceries on the backseat. She lets him move around a few more things, waiting for the door to slam shut and his body to turn back to her. His hands are now occupied with two new packs of beer, and his eyes zone in on her intensely.

She stands there not moving an inch, her gaze a daring one.

“You can’t do this.” She states simply, pursing her lips tightly.

“I’m not doing anything, Gwen.”

She points a finger at him, her anger suddenly taking over.

“You’re trying to control this thing, like it’s not something we _both_ agreed on! You’re trying to control _me_!”

She can tell her words are upsetting him, but aside from his locked jaw, he’s playing it cool.

“He’s my friend. If anything, I was putting him in place. I’m not trying to control anyone.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but needs to swallow it back down when she realizes none of it would help the situation. Blake’s blue eyes are clouded with intensity as they settle on her.

“He was trying to be nice.”

“He was _trying_ to get you in bed.”

Her eyes widen, his audacity astounding. “Are you kidding me—and what if he was? That’s none of your concern.”

“If you wanna go home with him, go right ahead. Just maybe don’t do it right in front of my face.”

“I see.” She nods, anger flashing hotly through her body. “You’re the only one who can flaunt girls under my nose. I just need to sit and wait until you’re ready to give me some.”

He smiles at her in spite, shaking his head as he makes a move to walk past her. She moves quick, holding her hand out against his chest.

“You’re being a jerk.” She hisses, her chest nearly heaving. “You’re acting like I owe you something, which I don’t.”

“You think I don’t know that?” He retorts, his voice an angry whisper. “I know what this is—I know what we are. I also know this is my house and if you want to screw one of my friends, you gotta make damn sure it doesn’t happen where I’m likely to see it.”

Her lips part on a gasp, her chest feeling heavy.

“We were just talking.” She whispers, feeling her eyes water involuntarily.

“Don’t kid yourself.”

“Last time I checked, we had no reason to be jealous…” She recalls mockingly, her head cocking to the side as she lets her words settle. “You said that. We have no reason to be jealous because that’s not what we’re doing.”

Blake nods. “I didn’t purposefully rub it in your face, Gwen. She just showed up.”

“And what do you think I was doing?” She spats a little too loudly. “This is _your_ friend, you invited him!”

“I didn’t tell him to go screw my friend.”

She shakes her head, anger quickly overtaking them both, and this moment suddenly feels inevitable.

“We just talked. What’s wrong with you?”

He steps closer to her then, both hands still occupied. The strong scent of his aftershave flies up her nostrils, his jaw locking painfully tight.

“What’s wrong with me?” He repeats angrily. “How about _you_? You are what’s wrong with me, Gwen. You think just because you won’t acknowledge it, certain feelings aren’t gonna be real? I’m fine with no strings, but don’t fucking lie to me.”

“I’m not lying to you! I’ve been honest about this from the start.”

“What about when you saw Jenna and basically accused me of cheating? Was that honest?” His eyes bore intensely into hers. “C’mon, I dare you to say that it was.”

“You should’ve told me.” She shudders out.

He shakes his head, but she cuts him off before he can say anything else.

“You say you’re okay with no strings attached, but you’re pushing for things again, you’re pushing for something more than what we are.”

He huffs. “Do you even know what we are?”

“I know what we’re not.”

He bites his lip, almost like he’s trying to keep himself from spilling truths that would have irreversible consequences.

“I’m not your boyfriend, you’re not my girlfriend and at this point, I’m not even sure if I’m your friend.”

Though the words hurt, she won’t let up, staring him down until he backs off. His legs take two steps backwards, before pushing past her. She fights the urge to grab his arm and prevent him from walking off, but she knows they won’t get anywhere. Deciding not to make a scene in front of all his friends, she stays behind as he joins them back in the house. She lets a few silent tears escape, her heart feeling like it’s gotten stepped on.

It’s still a bit unclear to her how she got in this position in the first place. She had never been this person before and never planned on becoming this person now. She cares deeply about Blake—more than she’s ever cared about a ‘friend’ before. Hearing him dismiss the friendship they’d carefully started building, evokes a painful burning in her eyes.

She wants more from him, but she’s too damaged for anything serious. Her heart is still recovering from the bruises her ex-husband left, and her track record when it comes to love is nothing to brag about. Being with Blake would only cause pain and misery—and she’s quite sure they’ve both gotten enough of that.

She probably should’ve left after he walked away, but for some reason she couldn’t get herself to leave the party early. It’s only two more days before her kids come back, and she’s gonna have enough time to hide herself away in the house again after they get back. There’s also a part of her that doesn’t want to give Blake the satisfaction of seeing her leave, letting him know she’s this affected by what happened.

They stay out of each other way for the remaining night. Blake’s hanging with his friends inside, the sound of laughter loud and present. Gwen finds that his friends who decided to linger outside are a bit quieter, but just as talkative, and it’s not long before she’s deep in conversation with one of Blake’s high school friends. She hasn’t seen Chris anymore since their conversation got interrupted by Blake, and she feels a bit of bitterness coating the inside of her mouth when she catches him in friendly banter with Blake inside.

It’s Blake’s friend—she knows where his loyalty should lie, but she secretly hoped Chris would just dismiss Blake’s wishes, solely for the purpose of fucking with him.

She spends the rest of the night disappointed, but at least she didn’t leave.

 

*

 

“You don’t have to come with me.” His voice is low and hesitant, and she can’t stand it.

“You promised you’d take me on your boat one day.” She reminds him slowly. “Just the two of us.”

He looks at her, his eyes clear blue. “I know, but things right now are…. I don’t know—weird.”

“They’re not weird today.”

He huffs. “They were yesterday.”

“Cause you got jealous.”

He shakes his head, but she can see a shimmer of amusement in his eyes. It’s the sight of the small smile on his face that gives her enough confidence to follow him onto his boat, taking a seat next to him. She didn’t plan on spending much time with him today, but after she left his party last night, she realized how much she missed just having a good time with him. She also wants to make the most of the time they’ve got together without her kids.

She was surprised to even hear him agree on taking her on his boat with him, knowing that last night’s events were still on his mind. He looked at her softly when she broached the idea, and when he nodded and said that it was her call, it was one easily made.

The sky above them is clear blue, without the sight of any clouds. Her skin feels warm underneath the beams of sun, and Blake’s presence next to her calms her worst nerves. It’s not strange for her to feel this way around him, but she was afraid after everything that started to happen with them, that she would lose that. Somehow, she still hasn’t.

“Do you think we should talk about it?” He asks softly, his head turned to her.

She looks back, snapped out of her thoughts. “About last night?”

He hums positively, his demeanour slightly tense.

“What else is there to say about it?”

“Sorry.” He replies steadily, looking at her a bit more confident now. Her eyes narrow on him and he lets a shy smile grace his lips. “I should’ve said that last night before you left, but I’m sorry, Gwen. I did get jealous and I lashed out at you and that wasn’t right.”

She didn’t expect to get an apology, and she feels strangely emotional about it.

“I appreciate you saying that.” She whispers, holding his gaze.

“I sincerely hope you’re not actually interested in Chris though, that would be fucking awkward as hell.”

She laughs suddenly, biting her lip before bringing her face back to meet his eyes.

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

He grins. “I’m glad.”

She looks back to the water surrounding her, her eyes scanning over the beautiful view and the even better company. Moments like these make life feel like it’s not all that bad.

The sound of the motor suddenly turns down and she feels them slowing down as she looks back at Blake. His smile has grown much wider now and his eyes are still soft as they take her in fully.

“I thought we could just float here for a while.” He explains softly, giving her a quick wink. “I saw you checking out the view—do you like it?”

She nods, her mind and heart already feeling much less heavy. “It’s amazing.”

“Then let’s stay here for a while.”

It’s still weird to get used to someone being attentive to her in that way, for him to realize the way she looked just slightly more impressed with the piece of water here, than a few meters back, and how easy it is for Blake to read exactly what she needs. She lets herself lean back a bit, her joints relaxing.

“I don’t understand how you’re ever _not_ on the water, when the view’s this great.” She muses out loud, not talking to anyone in particular.

He chuckles. “I don’t think Betty would like that much, darling.”

“She doesn’t like to be on the water?”

Blake scrunches his nose a little, shaking his head.

“She’s actually not much of a swimmer, plus the sound of the motor makes her anxious. I do her much more of a service when I let her stay home.”

Gwen smiles at the thought of his dog, loving the animal almost like she’s her own.

“She’s the cutest.”

“She’s _something_ , that’s for sure.”

She looks at him intensely, about to defend Betty, when she feels the mood shift. His eyes on her are so insistent, she almost feels shy. Blake looks at her with more feeling than she’s ever seen anyone do, and it’s the most conflicting yet most attractive thing in the world.

“What?” She whispers softly, trying to break the intense mood they’re suddenly finding themselves in.

“Nothing.” He shakes his head, grinning.

“You don’t look at me like it’s nothing.”

“You’re not nothing.”

She feels her throat getting dry, hating and loving how easy it is for him affect her body.

“Blake….”

“Come here.”

It’s a statement, a command, not a question and she feels her resolves weakening so fast it’s like they’re not even there. Her body moves on its own accord, and Blake hands reach out for her immediately. He moves them slightly to the right, away from the throttle and small wheel behind them. Her leg slides over his lap until she’s straddling him with her legs on each side of his body. The friction is good from the start, and when his hand pushes her head forward and he claims her lips in a deep kiss, she can’t help but moan against him.

She’s wearing shorts and a flowery tank top that doesn’t even reach her naval, and it’s almost too easy for Blake’s hands to find access. His fingertips brush her sensitive nipples over the fabric of her top, her hands tangling in his curls while she holds on. When his mouth starts softly biting along the skin of her neck, her hips rock forward into his lap.

He grunts, letting go of her chest as his arms tighten around her back and push her closer. He’s so hard beneath her that she feels the solid glide of her center against the length of him, and the realization has her shuddering in seconds.

“Remember when I told you I would fuck you on the lake some time…” He trails off suggestively, smirking when her breathing catches. “I wanna make good on that promise now.”

One of his hands slides beneath the waist of her shorts, slipping his palm over the curve of her ass as he squeezes lightly. She jolts forward involuntarily, her underwear completely soaked as he touches her so deliberately, so right.

“Fuck yes.” She whimpers against his lips, unable to go without his kisses for too long.

The sizzling heat between her legs ripple outwards, coating her in waves of tingling white-hot arousal. She continues to grind down against his erection, and Blake’s hand tightens against her hair, finally pushing her off him and on her back. His body covers hers immediately, the fact that they’re doing this out in the open air only adding to her arousal.

He grasps her jaw with his free hand, dragging her mouth back to his as he slowly starts to slip his hand towards her entrance, his tongue penetrating in unison as two fingers slide into her. She groans against his mouth and grinds herself against the base of his palm.

“Just do it.” She whispers in frustration, needing him to speed things along before she combusts.

He drags his fingers out of her and moves them towards his Hawaiian looking swimming boxers, sliding them down confidently. She’s watching him intensely as he strokes himself a few times and his eyes can’t help but roam unapologetically down her cleavage.

“Blake…” She says, her voice nothing but a needy sound.

“What?” He asks with a grin.

She wants to punch him for making her wait so long, for making her this desperate, but she can’t even pretend like she’s not enjoying it either. She bucks up at him a bit, his body now too far out of reach for her hips to touch anything but air.

He moves back over her, his boxers now disregarded and his shirt the only fabric left to grab. She holds onto the front of his shirt, her knuckles turning white from the effort.

“You want me, Gwen?”

She nods, her throat dry and not trusting her voice.

“Say it.”

He moves forward, grasping her hip and lining himself up at her entrance but not quite pressing in. She tries to force it, but his hands on her hips are too firm.

“I want you, Blake.” Her eyes close when the admission leaves her mouth, her body begging for him to touch her.

He finally angles the tip of his cock into her opening and thrusts forward in one quick motion. Her hips rise into him, her back arching and Blake’s small smile is almost too much. Her mouth parts at the feeling of Blake so deep inside of her, no noise escaping, just a weighted breath as if it’s the first time they’re doing this and he’d just stolen her breath from her. Her heart thuds at the thought of it always being like this with him; this raw, unfamiliar, blindly animalistic feeling each time she’s granted the pleasure of being with him.

Her arms slide across his neck while his face lowers enough to kiss her again. His tongue and soft spoken words against her lips are the only things that calm down her quickly overheating body, already feeling like the end is near.

Her sighs turn into loud pleas and cries as he moves inside of her, every stroke more powerful than the last. She can’t concentrate on kissing him anymore because the pleasure is too much, too distracting. With Blake, she always feels like he’s doing what he’s doing because it turns him on and not because he’s trying to push her some set end. He kisses her because he likes her, he fucks her because he knows she enjoys it—not because he’s waiting to get her off so he can have his turn.

“Fuck Blake, please, don’t stop...”

He smirks against her lips, nipping at her chin. He moves harder then, thrusting his hips forward in a relentless pace. She can’t do anything but utter his name over and over, her voice getting lost on the wide stretch of water surrounding them. Blake goes slow for a moment, and Gwen’s body jolts with pleasure as she feels the slick slide of his cock searching for that special place. She cries out, digging her fingernails into his back as he fucks her slow, but deep.

“You’re so gorgeous like this, Gwen.” She whimpers beneath him, her whole body stuttering at his words. “Come for me.”

At his words, her orgasm crashes over her without any warning. She cries out for him too many times to count, trembling beneath him. Her fingernails dig into his shoulder as she tries to contain the pleasure without bursting. She feels him kissing her shoulder, gliding his fingertips over her chest and stomach, heightening every sensation.

“Oh God.” She moans loudly, her body going limp beneath him. She tries to hold onto him, but her arms threaten to slide back to her side. His mouth nips at her chin softly, his smile noticeable against the side of her face.

She can tell by the loud groan and stutter of Blake’s hips when he lets go too. Her eyes open just because she won’t ever miss the opportunity of watching Blake Shelton fall apart. His face lowers to her shoulder, groaning against her skin. Goosebumps erupt across her body, her arms once again reaching out to pull him against her.

“You okay?” He whispers against her hairline eventually.

She can’t even talk yet, her head spinning with the force of her orgasm. He nudges her, snapping her out of her current daze.

“Mhmmm.” She moans throatily, shifting her body beneath him, his length still buried inside her and she groans at the contact.

“You sure?”

He needs reassurance and she understands why. He didn’t hold back with her; they didn’t talk much before he basically climbed on top of her and doing this out in the open is something Gwen’s not used to doing.

“Yes.” She whispers, sighing in a bit of disappointment when she feels him slip out of her, readjusting his boxers again. His body is still close to her, his hand touching the side of her face when he’s got himself semi-appropriately dressed again.

She watches the corners of his lips start to lift upward and he releases a breath he was holding.

“Do you wanna come back home with me for a while? Hang out...”

She doesn’t let him see how happy she feels at his words, instead nods softly. She knows she told herself she wouldn’t do this again—she wouldn’t spend as much time with him as before—but she can’t get herself to reject his offer. His smile shows her he’s pleased with her decision and the whole boat ride back to his place feels strangely comfortable. He holds out his hand for her to grab when he helps her back on the dock, her legs still feeling a little wobbly and she shakes her head in disbelief. She stays closely pressed against his side, and for once everything doesn’t feel wrong. She could get used to being by his side, she thinks. She tries not to think about everything her feelings mean, and instead just enjoys the way her body feels much lighter as she walks up his property with him.

Her hand is itching to hold his, but she refrains herself. She does indeed let her eyes wander to the side of his face, smiling when she realizes he’s truly relaxed. The summer heat is just an added bonus, and these last steps up his patio almost feel like she’s floating.

It’s not until her eyes can truly focus on his doorstep, that she feels Blake’s body tense beside her, her own brain—and eyes—not being as quick.

Blake’s face turns to look at her, his eyes wide as he looks a bit hopeless. She feels her breathing speed up at the sight of the woman sitting on his porch, waiting. She almost feels bad for the ‘shit’s about to go down’ look on Blake’s face, but can’t think past the emotional whirlwind coming alive in her chest. Her body feels strangely disconnected to him again as she suddenly feels like she’s standing ten feet away from him, instead of plastered against his side.

“ _Jenna_?” He breathes. “What are you doing here?”


	12. Chapter 12

“I called you about twenty times, you didn’t answer so I just thought I’d swing by.” 

The girl explains cheerfully, not seeming all too bothered by Gwen’s presence.  
   
Blake’s still looking a bit sheepishly between the two women, his confident demeanour not present in this moment.  
   
“Uhm yeah, we were out on the lake. I don’t have reception there.”  
   
“Obviously.” Jenna smiles, her eyes finally looking over at Gwen. There’s a tension there Gwen hasn’t felt before towards another human being and she almost feels bad about how much she already dislikes the woman in front of her.  
   
“Jen, this isn’t the best time to be honest.” Blake says softly, his voice sounding laced with regret.  
   
He lets the words linger between them and Gwen feels sick with every second she remains standing there—she couldn’t move if she wanted to though.  
   
“To be fair, you told me I could come back any time after you sent my ass home the other night…” Jenna lets the words trail off a bit suggestively, and she can see Blake’s eyes widen at his friend’s transparent brazenness.  
   
“Jenna, I…”

“I drove about an hour to get here so you’re not sending me away again.”  
   
“It’s fine.” Gwen says suddenly, surprising herself. “I have things to do.”  
   
Blake turns his head to look at her and she can tell he’s refraining himself from reaching out for her. She doesn’t even want to think about why he’s suddenly not touching her anymore.  
   
“See?” Jenna says way too happily for Gwen’s liking. “It’s all good.”  
   
“You might want to wait until you’re invited next time.” Gwen shoots back, ignoring the harsh stare she receives from Blake, her own anger reaching a boiling point.  
   
Jenna’s stare lingers on her way too long for her liking, but she doesn’t let the girl see her discomfort.  
   
“It’s never been like that before for us.” The younger woman retorts, looking back at Blake. “He’s always wanted me around, spontaneously or not.”

Gwen doesn't miss a beat. "Things change."

Jenna cocks her head, looking up at Blake. "Did they?"

" _Jenna_..." He breathes in response, scratching behind his ear.  
   
Gwen can tell Blake’s contemplating on how to defuse the situation, but his sudden quieter demeanour only angers Gwen more.  
   
“Blake, can I talk to you for a second?”  
   
The words come out as a question, but Gwen’s voice holds a hint of authority, really not asking him. Blake nods in affirmation and Gwen’s eyes close painfully tight when Blake reaches in his pocket and gives Jenna his key.  
   
“I’ll be right there.”  
   
Jenna takes it from him with a wink as she turns her back to them, letting herself in. Gwen feels some air get back into her lungs as the girl disappears from her view, but the painful look on Blake’s face makes breathing immediately harder again.  
   
“Gwen— “  
   
“Don’t.” She hisses.  
   
She’s surprised to see Blake letting go so easily, as he swallows the rest of his words. He still looks a whole lot surprised and she diverts her eyes to the ground swiftly.  
   
“Is this how it’s gonna be from now on?” Gwen asks softly, swallowing roughly. “Cause let me tell you Blake, I’m not here for it at all.”  
   
“Gwen...” He breathes, his hands reaching out for hers, but she pulls away just in time. “I didn’t know she was gonna be here.”  
   
“But she is!” Gwen retorts quickly, her voice a bit louder. “She’s here and you’re letting her stay. You’re letting her stay like we didn’t just….” She trails off, unable to say the words.  
   
Blake rubs his hand over his mouth, looking up at the sky as if it will give him the strength he lacks in this moment.  
   
“I was going to send her away.” Blake says weakly, grimacing at the look on her face.  
   
“Were you really?” Gwen asks, cocking her head. “Because it looked to me like she gave you a little push back and you were about to drop it.”  
   
“Why did you tell her it was okay? Why did you say you had other plans— “  
   
“—Cause I’m not gonna stand there and wait for you to reject me in front of that girl, Blake! How old is she even? She doesn’t look a day past twenty-five.”  
   
The disgust is awfully present in her voice and she wants to throw up at the raging jealously that creeps through her whole body.  
   
“You really want to talk about her age?” Blake deadpans, his face growing a bit colder.  
   
“I don’t want to talk about her at all. I don’t want her to be here.”  
   
For a moment, it looks like Blake’s considering her words.  
   
“Gwen, we talked about this.”  
   
“It’s not about what you do with her, Blake.” Gwen grits her teeth, the images of him being intimate with anyone that’s not her once again obliterating her thoughts. “It’s about the timing. It’s about you literally going back and forth between girls, and in contradiction to what you might believe, I’m not your goddamn personal call girl.”  
   
“You know that’s not how I see you.” He whisper-yells at her, and she purses her lips tightly.  
   
She sighs heavily. “I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is that I feel disgusting and I’m gonna leave you alone now; you do whatever the hell you want. I’m too tired to care.”  
   
“Gwen!” He calls for her again, this time succeeding in reaching for her arm. “Stop for a second, just look at me.”  
   
She shakes her head, keeping her gaze effectively away from him. She protests low in her throat when his fingers tip her chin up. “Blake, no...”  
   
“Look at me.”  
   
His sudden soft voice makes her look up despite her preservations. Her eyes are watery and Blake doesn’t look much better as he looks back at her.  
   
“I’m not trying to hurt you here, Gwen.” He whispers, letting his thumb trail soft circles on her cheek. “I’ll ask her to leave, okay?”  
   
She shakes her head, tugging herself out of his gentle grasp.

“I need to get out of here.” She whispers in response, trying to keep the tears in that threaten to fall out of her eyes in a rapid pace.  
   
His hand reaches out for her arm again. 

“Gwen, wait.”  
   
“Let go of me.”  
   
She stares at him intensely for a few seconds, her eyes lowering to where his hand is softly holding her wrist. His grip lessens until it’s completely gone and she sucks in a deep breath when he stops touching her altogether. She knows she’ll either say things she’s gonna regret or let him watch her break if she stays there another second longer, so she quickly turns around as her only thought is to get off his property as soon as possible.  
   
He doesn’t call her after her anymore, and she bites her lip hard as she tries to keep her sobs in long enough for him not to be able to hear. She shuts the door behind her as she enters her own house, letting her head rest against the door in silent defeat.  
   
 

*  
   
   
   
Her arm is leaning on the bar, her blonde hair lying over one shoulder. The sound of chatter and laughter overpowers the jukebox in the back. She hates the smell of alcohol at this point, but she can’t keep herself from ordering another drink from the kind-looking bartender in front of her. She’s been here for nearly two hours and she’s positive that if she got up right now, she’d fall right back down. The bar she found after driving around for about an hour looks old school, no traces of modern influences to be found. She never thought she’d find herself at a place like this, but nothing about her life feels familiar lately.  
   
“Another one?” The younger man asks, his smile wide.  
   
She nods softly, biting her lip. “Please.”  
   
“Same drink?”  
   
She hums positively, thanking him softly when he slides another shot her way. There’s no doubt in her mind this won’t end well, and by the time she’s downing this new shot as well, her mind is going a million miles per hour and all her thoughts are about the exact person she’s trying to drown out. She cusses herself for not being able to forget about him, no matter how hard she tries, and she feels like smashing the glass in front of her for not doing what she wants it to do. Alcohol has never been a good friend of hers, but she hoped that for once in her life, something would just go her goddamn way.  
   
“Another one.” She says determinedly, gliding her glass back towards the bartender.  
   
He looks at her a bit incredulously. “Ma’am, are you sure?”  
   
She shoots him an offended glance, feeling bad about it right after.  
   
“I’m sorry.” She murmurs, her nail ticking on the wooden bar. “But yes, another one.”

Though the man doesn’t seem too eager to comply, he does eventually. She wonders if she’s not at the point yet of where she’s going to be cut off, or if that’s only something that happens in movies, but she’s glad anyways when he slides her another drink.  
   
Her fingers tighten around the glass, one of them reaching out to trace the rim. She thinks about how hopeful this day had started, and how being with Blake on his boat this afternoon had been seriously blissful. She closes her eyes when images of Blake and Jenna getting intimate cloud her brain, her eyes watering.  
   
She takes a large sip of her drink, the alcohol not even feeling nice anymore as it glides down her throat.  
   
Her hand reaches down to her purse, reaching around for her phone. Everything inside her screams how bad of an idea this is, but since her mind won’t shut up about him, she can’t do anything but let her bad judgement take over. Her fingers start typing a bit unsteadily, her stomach turning as she searches for Blake’s name under her contacts.  
   
_I hope you can’t get the images of us out of your mind. Gx_  
  
_Are you having fun? Gx_  
  
_I hate u for making me feel this way. Now u got me fucking missing u. Gx_  
   
She scares herself when she reads back the onslaught of texts she sent his way, and she throws back another shot to ease the worst burn.  
   
_Ignore all these texts, pls. I don’t care what u do, it’s okay. Gx_  
   
She looks up from her phone, letting her eyes scan around the place. More people have started to trickle in, and the more crowded this place becomes the more she starts to realize she doesn’t belong here. It’s a feeling she’s been feeling way too much of lately, and she starts tearing up again when she thinks about how she’s supposed to be home with her babies and her family intact. This was never supposed to be her life.  
   
All the sudden her phone starts buzzing, and she stutters when she sees Blake calling. She presses decline out of sheer panic, not expecting him to answer her—especially not by calling. She attends to the last of her drink and refrains herself from ordering another one. The burn in her throat has almost dissolved when Blake calls again. She sighs deeply, looking up for a second before accepting his call.  
   
“I told you to ignore these texts.” She slurs, her eyes becoming uncomfortably painful.  
   
“Gwen where are you?”  
   
She chuckles, looking around the bar once more. “I don’t know what this hellhole is called.”  
   
“You’re drunk.” He states, not asking.  
   
She figures there’s no point in denying the obvious; the slurring of her words and the bunch of drunk texts undoubtedly having given her away.  
   
“Yes.”  
   
“Gwen, I need you to ask someone what this place is called and I’m coming to pick you up.”  
   
She wants to argue with him, but she drove out here and there’s no way she’s able to drive back home. The thought of having to call an Uber is way less appealing than being picked up by someone who knows her, someone who won’t judge her for stumbling out of a bar, drunk off her ass.  
   
She tells Blake to stay put for a second, motioning for the bartender. He smiles down at her a bit sympathetically as he gives her the name of the bar, waving of her thanks as she pulls her phone back to her ear.  
   
“Vintage 22?” She repeats hesitantly, squinting her eyes.  
   
“ _Vintage 22?_ ” Blake repeats. “Gwen, what the hell are you doing at a place like that?”  
   
“I don’t know.” She whispers, a dizzy spell suddenly hitting her as the alcohol is starting to get to her hard now. “I just drove around for a while and this was the first place I saw.”  
   
“Okay, stay put until I get there. Can you do that?”  
   
“What about Jenna?”  
   
She can’t help but ask, even in her beyond intoxicated state.  
   
“Just stay there.”  
   
The line disconnects immediately afterwards, and she groans in frustration. She hates feeling so dependent on someone else, and once again she’s growing angry at herself for getting this drunk tonight. She didn’t plan on doing so either—she just wanted to drive around, get out of the house for a bit. She’s always prided herself for being someone who had her shit together, but lately she’s been getting herself in all kinds of situations she knows she shouldn’t. Maybe that’s not all that unfamiliar; she’s always had a way of disregarding her intuitions and going for the things she knew beforehand were bad for her.  
   
Maybe she’s finally reaping all the consequences of her bad decisions.  
   
She thinks back to a few years ago, where after one of her fights with Gavin she went to sleep on the couch and opened a bottle downstairs, downing the contents over the course of that night and waking up on the kitchen floor instead. Her ex-husband had helped her clean up before the kids woke up, and they never talked about it afterwards. Maybe she was actually never in control after all.  
   
She feels her body get heavy, her eyes struggling to stay open all the sudden. There are a million places she’d rather be than in this bar, only emphasizing her struggles. She pays her tab and pushes herself off the barstool. If Blake wasn’t insisting on picking her up, she would’ve called a car, but she decides to wait for him outside regardless. The night air on her face does little to ease the tension out of her, but at least it lessens her nausea a bit.  
   
No matter her intoxication, she recognizes Blake’s truck instantly. His headlights blind her, causing her to look down and she doesn’t look back up until he’s standing in front of her. She feels embarrassed all the sudden, remembering the texts and not even wanting to think about how she looks in this moment.  
   
“Come on.” He ushers her gently, his arm coming around her back as he allows her to lean on him. She wants to cry at how softly he addresses her, her head leaning against his shoulder while he leads her back to his truck.  
   
He doesn’t press her for an explanation during the drive home, but she can’t help but feel like she owes him one.  
   
“I’m sorry.” She whispers, unable to look at him.  
   
It’s silent for a bit, until his hand reaches over the consoler and squeezes her knee.  
   
“It’s okay.”  
   
She swallows roughly, hating how she feels herself get emotional when he retracts his hand again after a few seconds.  
   
“It’s not.” She says softly, forcing her gaze out of the window.  
   
He doesn’t fight her anymore, and she grows even more anxious because of it. She keeps her gaze on the road the entirety of the drive, wincing when the car comes to a stop and she realizes they arrived back at their properties. There’s no escaping having to look at him now, and she takes a deep breath to prepare herself.  
   
“Let me help you.” Blake’s voice comes, but she waves it off. She pushes open the car door, stumbling out of it less than graciously, and she needs to hold on to the side of his vehicle to steady herself afterwards.  
   
“I got it.” She whispers desperately when Blake walks over to her, but he shows her no sign of retreating. “ _Blake, I—_ “  
   
“Can you stop being stubborn for one second, Gwen?”  
   
His voice is so gentle despite his determination and she swallows back the rest of her protest. Instead, she lets his arm slide around her back once more. She didn’t even realize she’d drank this much, but everything around her seems to be spinning and she’s pained to admit that she wouldn’t be able to make it up her patio without Blake’s literal support.  
   
“Gwen?” He nudges her softly as they approach her door, her shaky hand reaching for the keys in her purse. “Can you please look at me?”  
   
She shakes her head.  
   
“Thanks for picking me up.” She says hoarsely, struggling with opening her door a bit until it eventually unlocks. She’s about to step inside when his hand on her arm stops her.  
   
“Look at me.”  
   
“Where’s Jenna?”  
   
She finally looks up at him, eyebrow furrowed as a bitter smile etches its way on her lips.  
   
“She’s home and I’m here.”  
   
She swallows roughly, not expecting to hear those words.  
   
“I said thank— “  
   
“—I don’t need your thanks, Gwen. I need you to realize this can’t go on like this.”  
   
She grips onto the door tightly, willing herself to keep breathing.  
   
“You wanna talk about this now?” She slurs, her eyes diverting to the ground.  
   
“You wanna keep lying to yourself?”  
   
She shakes her head, pushing herself off the door and inside. Blake’s hand lets go of her arm, but he follows her inside without an invitation. She’s about to tell him off when she stumbles again, and his arm is the only thing keeping her from crashing to the ground.  
   
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” She pulls herself out of his grip again, and she can hear his sigh loud and clear.  
   
“You can’t even walk a straight line, at least let me help you upstairs.”  
   
“I’m fine.”  
   
As to prove his point, she crashes into the side of her couch, hurting her leg in the process. She can see Blake approaching again from the corner of her eye, but she stops him from coming closer by holding up her hand. She feels the pressure in her chest intensifying, and she can’t seem to process the frustration that bottles up inside of her.  
   
She struggles to stand up straight again, her leg throbbing with the force in which she slammed it into the couch. Her eyes are starting to water, and when she attempts at taking a few steps and is forced to grip the back of the couch again the tears finally spill over. Blake’s still standing back, watching her struggle in front of him and she feels desperation crash over her like a wave.  
   
His voice is low and thick when he speaks again. “You’re not fine.”  
   
She looks up at him quickly, anger flashing before her eyes.

“You helping me upstairs won’t make me feel any better.” She hisses, watching her knuckles turn white as she grips the couch. “You being here won’t make me feel any better right now.”  
   
“Then why did you text me tonight?”  
   
“You know why.” She whispers. “I would’ve never done that if I weren’t drunk.”  
   
“But you still would’ve felt it, so why don’t you just go ahead and say it.”  
   
“Screw you, Blake.”  
   
He walks closer again but doesn’t come close enough to reach out for her. The alcohol in her system is still fighting hard to render her helpless and she can’t remember feeling this physically unstable ever.  
   
“Stop pushing me away.”  
   
Her eyes widen, her mouth parting on a bitter laugh.  
   
“Stop pushing _you_ away?” She repeats sharply. “Why is that you only care about how I feel when it benefits you? You care about me when your friend is hitting on me, you care about me when you don’t want to be alone, you care about me _after_ you sent your fuck buddy home…”  
   
“I’ve been here, Gwen.” He answers harshly. “I’ve been here ever since you goddamn moved here. You think I would’ve dropped everything to come pick you up if I didn’t care about you?”  
   
“No, but— “  
   
“But nothing.” He replies icily, head lifting sharply. “And if you’re still too damn afraid to admit that I actually care about you, there really is nothing left to fight for here.”  
   
She barely bites back a gasp at his words, her eyes burning with the force of her tears pooling there.  
   
“What do you want me to say, Blake? You want me to say you care about me, cause fine—you might. You know I care about you too, _fuck_ , that’s the whole problem.”  
   
“It doesn’t have to be….”   
   
“Yes it does.” She hisses, her voice wavering underneath the strain of her emotions. “I won’t sit by and watch as I lose you to everyone else, Blake. I’d rather not do this at all.”  
   
It’s the most truthful she’s ever been with him, and she can’t maintain eye contact. She can feel him come closer though, and she freezes when his head lowers to speak against her ear.  
   
“You won’t lose me.”

All her resolve breaks then, her body crashing into his chest as she finally lets the intoxication weaken her body to the point of collapsing. She’s aware of Blake’s arms holding her up and against him, her sobs muffled by his shirt. His hand starts a gentle pattern on her back, rubbing slow circles over her clothed skin. She doesn’t think he’s talking, but she wouldn’t be able to hear even if he was. Everything feels shut out, the only thing she’s aware of is Blake’s touch keeping her upright and the sound of her own muffled sobs and shattered breaths.  
   
“I’m sorry.” She whispers against his chest, her hand grabbing onto his bicep as she tries to keep herself standing instead of having Blake support her full weight.  
   
He shushes her softly, but she can’t shake the feeling she needs to apologize. The way Blake tries to quiet her tells her he’s aware of the many things she’s apologizing for; she’s sorry for the fact she’s unable to give Blake what she thinks he deserves, she’s sorry for dragging him out here, and she’s sorry to herself for allowing this man to become so damn important to her.  
   
“Can you stand?” He whispers, loosening his grip on her just a bit and she struggles with suddenly having to support more of her weight. He looks at her sympathetically and she closes her eyes against the sight of it.  
   
She doesn’t fight him when he eventually settles on lifting her up bridal style and walks up the stairs with her. It’s weird to have Blake in her room, and it’s even weirder to have him help her out of her clothes into more comfortable sleep attire. When he pulls back the covers and holds his hand out to help her lay down, she almost starts crying again.  
   
“Try to sleep some, okay?”  
   
He speaks to her softly, his voice hardly a fraction of what it was downstairs when they were arguing.  
   
“My car….” She whispers, looking up at him.  
   
“We’ll pick it up tomorrow.”  
   
She nods, her chest still feeling heavy.  
   
“Are we….” She shudders out another breath, biting her lip.  
   
“We’re good.” He answers reassuringly. “We’ll talk more tomorrow.”  
   
“I’m sorry.”  
   
He nods. “I know.”  
   
“I wouldn’t blame you if you were done, you know?”  
   
She surprises herself by speaking the words that have haunted her for weeks. Blake’s face stays uncomfortably neutral, and she feels another tear travel down her cheek.  
   
“Sleep Gwen, we’ll talk later.”  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting closer to these two admitting their true feelings for each other, but not without a few more roadblocks..


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a long and frustrating road, but I promise we're getting closer to happier times.

The buzz of her phone against the wooden coffee table is more than enough to gain her attention, the vibration far louder than it has any right to be. She’s been having these horrible headaches, that must be caused by stress, because she can’t go through a single thing without waking up with her head pounding out of control. She reaches out blindly, keeping her eyes on her kids sitting in front of the television screen, her fingers fumbling with her phone.

Seeing Blake’s name light up her screen makes her feel guilty for some reason, not feeling like she has the right to engage in him when her children are here. They’re not paying her any attention anyways, and by the looks of Blake’s text, he’s desperately in need of hers.

_Can I vent?_

It’s weird for Blake to openly ask for the chance to tell her anything, and she can’t deny how good it feels to be the one he wants to talk to. Sitting back on the couch, she takes one more look at her children still entranced by the TV and she sighs deeply before responding.

_What’s going on? Gx._

She’d deleted their short text thread after her drunken shenanigans, two weeks ago. She hasn’t seen him much since, her kids being back home having a lot to do with that too; having decided they need to spend less time together, have boundaries in place now she’s aware of where she stands in Blake’s life. Though Blake had been initially less excited about the bit of space, he’d respected it for the most part, keeping their contact lowkey and casual.

_Miranda called. Apparently, the rumours are getting out of control and she wanted me to do some public damage control. I almost popped a vein.”_

She bites her lip at the palpable frustration coming from Blake’s words and she hates how relatable it all feels. She’s no stranger to crazy requests from her ex, and asking for actions he rarely deserved.

_What did you tell her? Gx_

He texts back within seconds.

_To go to hell._

She chuckles, shaking her head.

_You did the right thing. Gx_

She wants badly to make him feel less confused, less sad about being treated so unfairly. She doesn’t even know too much about his situation, and part of her is scared to find out even more similarities in their stories. It’s already impossible for her to shake him from her being, and her heart has already turned Blake into something of great importance in her life.

Her phone buzzes again in her hand, another text coming in.

_Can I call you?_

Though she’s been with Blake in more ways than one, she’s suddenly nervous about hearing his voice again. Boundaries have never been her strong suit, and Blake is not much different in that regard.

It comes with a sense of inevitability, because _of course_ she’s going to say yes and pick up when he calls. It’s scary how easy it is for her to put someone first, how easy it is for her to fall too fast, too intensely—this whole dance much too familiar.

She gets up from the couch with a long sigh, sending back a text that lets him know that of course he can call, and she lets her children know she’ll be in the kitchen if they need her. The large window in the kitchen reminds her of how much of the day has already passed, the sun about to set and the stretches of land in front of her filled with a blur of red and orange. Her eyes can’t help but try and focus on Blake’s property, wondering about what he’s doing behind the comfort of his walls.

Her phone buzzes again, this time with a call.

“Just in time.” She speaks softly as she hits accept. 

“Thank you for picking up.”

“Of course.”

She thinks about how prickly her tone was just now, almost speaking accusingly because he figured there was a chance she wouldn’t. In her mind, she knows there was never a chance that she wouldn’t have, but she can’t blame Blake for believing differently either.

“You’re the only one who knows about my situation like that.” Blake explains himself without being prompted to by her. “I didn’t know who else to bother.”

There’s a small chuckle in his voice, but she knows he’s being dead serious.

“You don’t tell me a lot about her.” Gwen says softly, biting her lip. “I don’t know that much about your situation Blake, but I want to.”

If she were face to face with him, she knows she would’ve been brushed off by now, but maybe it’s Blake’s resolve weakening or the fact that it’s over the phone, but the familiar pull-away isn’t there this time.

“I’ve told you the important parts. Everything else is just general, old fashioned, bullshit.”

She shrugs. “That doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

“No it doesn’t.”

Gwen breathes slow and steady, an ironic juxtaposition from what she’s feeling inside.

“When did she call you?”

Blake’s sigh is a low and deep one. “Last night.”

Gwen nods. “How did she take it when you told her off?”

He chuckles. “Not well.”

“Blake, you gotta….”

“She started yelling. In her defence, I’m pretty sure she was drunk.” Blake cuts her off, not needing to hear the rest of her sentence to know what she was getting at. “She threw a bunch of shit back in my face, things she knew would hurt me.”

She’s struck by how different he sounds when he lets his guard down, how much softer and lower his voice gets. Almost like a pained murmur-meets whisper.

“Things like what?” She pushes carefully, not wanting to push too far but also wanting him to let her in.

“Things like her cheating, my insecurities, things that I regret.”

His voice breaks on the end of his sentence, and having this conversation over the phone suddenly becomes the biggest torture. She can’t help but feel grateful for Blake’s obvious display of emotion, finally feeling like he’s daring to lean on her a little bit—finally trusting her compassion enough to lean some of his weight against it.

With the worst timing in the world, her youngest comes crashing into the kitchen, his voice murmuring something about food and being mad at his brothers and she grimaces when Blake’s low chuckle reaches her ears.

“Sounds like my time’s up.”

She smiles painfully, reaching her hand down to pull Apollo against her side.

“How about you come over tonight, Blake?”

The silence that follows is deafening, and so she breaks it herself. “You can come over when they go to bed, and we can talk about it all undisturbed.”

“Gwen I…You don’t have to.”

“Are you saying no?”

He clears his throat, the awkwardness of the situation almost making her smile.

“Are you sure you want to hear about all my problems?”

It’s her turn to chuckle this time. “I think we’re way past the point of trying to convince each other we’re stable people.”

His laugh makes the butterflies come alive in her stomach and she tightens her grip on her youngest just a little bit. Apollo becomes restless against her hip and she realizes she needs to cut this conversation off now—no matter how bad she feels about it.

“Blake, I really got to go—am I seeing you tonight or no?”

“Uhm, yeah sure.”

She smiles. “Good.”

The line disconnects a second later and she turns her attention back to her baby boy. Lifting him up in her arms, she places a soft kiss against his cheek before walking back into the living room.

“Let’s put that smile back on your face, _yeah_?”

 

*

 

She didn’t think this night would take the emotional turn that it did, and after both Zuma and Kingston expressed to her they needed to speak to her about their dad, there was no way she was going to get them in bed on time. With Zuma’s birthday coming up, there are suddenly more worries and more confusion within the kids, and she wishes she just had one answer that could take that all away from them—but she just doesn’t have it.

Celebrating birthdays separately is something she never thought she’d have to worry about, and seeing Zuma’s genuine conflict makes her feel like the worst person in the world. She tried using the ‘you get to celebrate your birthday twice’ argument, but it just doesn’t quite hold up. Kingston is the one who eventually admits he’s not so sad about it; not enjoying the way his dad is when they’re in the same room with each other anyways. It’s hard for her to figure out whether that actually makes her feel better or does the opposite.

“You think dad’s mad that he can’t be here for my birthday?”

“Baby, if you want him here— “

“—I don’t.” Zuma interrupts quietly, looking down at his hands. “I mean, I don’t really. It would be weird.”

Gwen nods. “Well, if you change your mind, all you gotta do is tell me. If you want your dad here, we can make that happen okay? I don’t want you to worry about any of this.”

Zuma nods. “Okay mom.”

She smiles softly, walking around the dinner table and pressing him firmly against her in a hug. “I’m so proud of you—and you too.” She adds, extending her other arm to pull Kingston in for a hug against her free side.

“Do you think Blake wants to come to my birthday?” Zuma asks softly, looking up at Gwen expectantly.

Her face falls, the question coming completely out of the blue. She didn’t even think about how her children’s attachment to Blake would play out in moments like these.

“Do you want him to?” She asks ignorantly, trying to buy herself some time to relax her breathing.

“Yeah.” Zuma replies excitedly. “He’s always around anyways, and I like spending time with him. He makes us laugh.”

She smiles, unable to not be affected by his excitement.

“Whatever you want, baby. I’m sure Blake would love to be there.”

Just like that, the doorbell rings and it dawns on her that her kids have been staying up way later than they usually would, and Blake probably thinks it’s safe to come over already. She kicks herself for not having agreed on an actual time and she pulls away from her kids slowly, looking down at them gently.

“I think that might actually be Blake.” She states carefully, praying that her children won’t hate the intrusion on their alone time with her. “Maybe you can ask him yourself?”

Instead of expected frustration, she only finds happiness. “Can I open the door?”

She chuckles before nodding, both her kids running towards the door.

It takes everything in her not to freak out at the next scene as she stands back and watches them welcome Blake inside. She can tell Blake’s a little taken aback by being faced with two of her children—obviously expecting for them to be in bed already, but he recovers like a champ. His care and enjoyment about spending time with them is so genuine it makes her emotional everytime. She’s still standing back, watching the interaction happen, when Zuma asks Blake what he’s been meaning to ever since he asked Gwen the question.

“My birthday’s next week.” Zuma claps excitedly, looking up at the tall cowboy.

“You’re kidding?” Blake retorts playfully, placing a hand on Zuma’s shoulder. “You happen to turn sixteen? Your mom might finally let me take you out on these ATV’s…”

“Blake….” Gwen warns playfully.

“I turn seven, Blake. S.E.V.E.N.”

Gwen’s unable to hold in her laugh when her middle child quietly spells it out for him, and Blake’s chuckle is a loud one.

“Thanks for that buddy, I appreciate some clarity.”

“You should come to my birthday party. Mom already said it was okay.”

Blake’s eyes finally meet hers, and she smiles gently. She’s scared they put him on the spot too much, but Blake’s genuine smile eases those worries down quickly.

“It’d be my honour. Thanks bud.”

Zuma’s smile couldn’t be wider and Gwen wants to jump in Blake’s arm and kiss him for making her child so happy in this moment, but instead she nails herself to the spot and lets the scene in front of her play out until it’s over.

Eventually she’s able to put her kids to bed and she shoots Blake an apologetic smile when she tells him to wait for her on the couch. He gestures for her to take her time and it’s incredible how she feels like he means that; she never feels hurried or burdened by the fact she’s a mom. If anything, Blake seems to enjoy it.

Maybe it’s for the same reason she enjoys seeing him do things he loves as well; it gives her a glimpse into the being she so desperately wants to know and be around.

Fifteen minutes later she joins Blake on the couch and it doesn’t take too long for the distance between their bodies to be erased; though it doesn’t feel sexual this time, instead it’s the type of closeness she’s always known Blake to shy away from with her.

She almost wants to pull away, the intimacy of his moves so strangely unfamiliar, but she can't do anything but let it play out. She eventually finds herself leaning against the head of the couch, Blake’s back pressed against her chest and her arm around his torso. It’s the same way she’s held her children numerous times before, and it dawns on her that Blake’s also in desperate need of some comfort; his breathing slowing down as he relaxes against her, his nail tracing lazy circles on her arm.

“She knew it would cause you to go down this dark hole of insecurities.” Gwen muses softly, keeping her voice a low sound.

He nods against her. “I wish I could say it didn’t work.”

She closes her eyes, holding on to him a bit tighter and ignoring how this moment feels more intimate than anything she’s shared with another human being before.

“I wish I could just look inside your brain and see all the false things pooling in there, and then just rip them straight out.”

Blake chuckles. “That’s probably the most poetic way I’ve ever heard someone say that.”

“I mean it.”

“I wouldn’t want you to see all that.” He says lowly, a hint of playfulness still there though. “Not everything she said is wrong, you know?”

Gwen narrows her eyes, shaking her head. “She’s just trying to get to you.”

“She was speaking the truth this time.”

She realizes she won’t win this fight, and instead sighs and leans back.

“Okay.” Gwen concedes. “What did she say?”

It’s a tricky question and one that she wasn’t planning on asking, but she can’t help ease Blake’s worries if she’s shooting in the dark. She doesn’t know Blake long, but she knows he’s special and he’s different from what she’s used to; he’s a good man, and all she wants is to convince him of that too.

He huffs. “We don’t have the time.”

She can tell he’s in the process of shutting her out again, but she doesn’t let him.

“As a matter of fact, we do.”

“Gwen…” He sighs.

“You can talk to me, truthfully. Isn’t that what I’m here for?”

He’s still not excited about going there, that’s prominent by the way he tenses up in her arms, but she can feel his resolve lessening as well. She waits it out, not prompting him at all and waiting for him to start talking. It takes a minute of silence before he finally decides to let her in on what’s bothering him.

“We didn’t work for a while.” He starts slowly, sounding unsure of how to word things. “We never agreed on anything, we didn’t necessarily enjoy spending time together, and we were both too busy, never prioritizing the things that we should’ve...”

She doesn’t say anything, just continues to hold him.

“The truth is I was waiting for things to get better without necessarily fighting for them to change. This is gonna sound fucked up, but most of the time I was happier when she wasn’t around.”

Gwen swallows roughly, trying not to say anything that would make this about her.

“That doesn’t make you a bad person, Blake. It just means you’ve stayed in a relationship that wasn’t working for too long.”

“But I expected her to stay in it as well.”

Gwen shrugs. “So _both_ of you stayed too long.”

He huffs again, this time sounding more bitter. “Yet, she didn’t. She was there, but she checked out a long time ago. Selfishly, I started to like the fact that she wanted to be around less, until I realized what she was doing while she wasn’t home with me.”

Gwen shakes her head. “She had no right to cheat on you, Blake.”

“But it was right for me to ask her to stay in a relationship she got nothing out of?”

“She could’ve left!” Gwen retorts passionately, feeling Blake’s words hit hard within her. “She could’ve told you she wanted out, that this wasn’t working for her anymore.”

“She did. We both did.” Blake admits, shaking his head. “We both knew it was time to end it, yet we never did.”

“And it still doesn’t excuse her cheating on you.”

Blake looks up from where he’s lying in her arms, a soft smile on his lips.

“It’s not that black and white and you know it.”

Her eyes widen, her arms loosening around him just slightly.

“Why are you so dead set on blaming yourself for this?”

“Cause maybe I should.”

She shakes her head again, pressing him more urgently. “Why?”

There’s a moment where she’s convinced he’s shutting down again, but he proves her wrong with his next words.

“I got married once before. It obviously didn’t work out…I messed it up.”

She breathes in deeply, taking in this new information as she carefully adjusts her arms around him.

“I’m sure you didn’t— “

“Gwen, please.” He interrupts her steadily, his eyes searching for hers. “Don’t try to make this better.”

She swallows roughly, her mind running wild with possible scenarios. It feels like uncharted territory and not something Blake is willing to just give up, but she needs answers.

“What did you do?”

He chuckles. “What _didn’t_ I do?”

His chuckle is filled with bitterness and regret, and she can’t stand the sound. It’s the sound that reminds her of everything she shouldn’t have done in life, it reminds her of the sound of all her regrets calling on her at night.

“Did you cheat?”

“It’s complicated.”

Gwen moves back against the head of the couch, creating a bit more space from where Blake’s back is still plastered against her front. She lets her arms stay around him, but her eyes look at him as if she’s about to let go—in more ways than one.

“It’s a simple question.”

“With a complicated answer.” His eyes meet hers in a silent war, his teeth biting down on his bottom lip before addressing her again. “I met Miranda during the end of my marriage at the time. Thing were already bad between us, but when I met her…. I knew I didn’t want to fix anything anymore, I just wanted out.”

Blake’s words leave a bitter taste in her mouth, and she fights the conflicting feeling of wanting him to be honest with her and needing him to stop talking.

She nods. “And so you stepped out on your first wife.”

It’s silent for a while, emotion finally starting to get the best of Blake.

“I lied to Kay a lot. I fucked things up on purpose, I didn’t follow through on promises. I didn’t have to physically step out on her, because what ended up happening was much worse.”

“Blake, what— “

“I fell in love with Miranda. I fell in love with her months before I filed for divorce.”

Gwen closes her eyes against the harsh truths spilling from Blake’s lips, her own heart reliving all the terrible betrayals and disappointments she has faced.

“Why didn’t you leave sooner?” She whispers.

Blake’s hand moves over his face, a loud sigh leaving his mouth.

“Pride, I guess. Not wanting to face the fact that my marriage was over.”

She involuntarily moves back into her previous position with Blake, letting his back collide with her chest more evidently again, her arms tightening around him on instinct. The way his head leans back against her shoulder tells her he needs the closeness as much as she does.

“Even after falling in love with someone else?”

He nods slowly, his breathing loud in the otherwise quiet room.

“It certainly made things a little easier.” Blake admits, his hand randomly searching for her arm around him as it squeezes gently, holding on. “I told Kay I wanted a divorce and she asked me all the same questions you just did.”

His small smile is a pained one, but it makes her lips curve up just slightly too.

“And what did you tell her?”

“The truth.” He whispers. “I told her I’d fallen in love with someone else, and that I’d been feeling like this marriage had run its course for a while now. When she asked me if I slept with Miranda, I told her that I didn’t, but that I wanted to. That was the final straw--she filed for divorce the next day.”

Gwen’s eyes close as the painful image finds its way in her head, her mouth unpleasantly dry.

“And now you feel like this is your karma; you messed up your first marriage, so you deserve things ending like this for you.”

He doesn’t answer her verbally, but the way his body tenses in her arms and his jaw locks, she knows she hit things right on the money. It hurts her to see Blake this way, even after having aired his dirty laundry.

“Blake.” She nudges him, sitting up a bit straighter as she forces him to do the same. Her hands push him to turn around, facing her while her hands cup his cheeks. “You don’t deserve what happened to you. This is not payback for what happened in the past.”

He shakes his head, his eyes watering.

“You don’t believe that.”

She nods, pushing through the lump in her throat. “I do. You’re a good man, Blake. I see that every day from the way you talk to people, the way you are with my kids. Whatever mistakes you made in the past, they don’t define who you are.”

“If I could do things over I would, you know?”

She blinks at him, her heart hurting for him. “I know.”

Her thumb starts rubbing small circles against his jaw, smiling when she feels him relax just a little bit. It’s becoming more frequently, the times she catches them in a moment that’s too intimate. Their relationship becomes a little less defined with each emotional moment they share—the label they decided on using not quite meaningful enough anymore.

She stops the soft movements on his cheek, but Blake’s not ready to break the physical contact yet. As her hands slide back to her sides, Blake’s arms reach around her back, pulling her more firmly into him. Her chest is almost pressed to his, their mouths dangerously close to each other.

It’s his hand that finds solace on her face now; his hand caressing the bone of her jaw, fingers running along the soft skin of her mouth and chin. She tries hard not to get lost in the sensation of his palm against her skin, his determined but gentle touches warming her up quickly.

“Blake, we shouldn’t…” She whispers almost mournfully against his lips.

He skims against her mouth, not fully kissing her.

“The kids are asleep.” He dismisses, bumping his nose against hers.

She wants to protest more, tell him that’s not the reason why she thinks they should stop while they’re ahead, but Blake’s mouth covering hers effectually cuts of her response. Her body curls into the cove of his, her breathing starting to get uneven by the way he softly nibbles and licks at her mouth.

The hand on the side of her face slides to her hair, keeping her face pressed against him. She presses against his hold so she can lower her lips to his neck, leaving fleeting kisses there. It’s too easy to get lost in passion when it comes to Blake, and she doesn’t even realize she’s got one leg already pulled over his lap when she stops herself.

“We can’t.” She whispers hoarsely, wiping at her lips as if she’s surprised it even got this far.

“Why not?” He asks, still a bit dazed from passion and confusion.

She pulls herself out of his lap, creating some more distance as she migrates to the other end of the couch.

“You were here cause you needed someone to talk to.”

Blake nods. “And now we’re done talking.”

He makes the word sound matter-of-factly, his body already moving closer again as she holds her hands out, indicating he can’t come any closer.

“You can’t stay.”

“I know.”

“We always end up here.” She says softly, offering him a bit more explanation. “We always end up making out or….” Her voice trails off suggestively. “We need to slow things down.”

Blake’s eyes squint at her. “You’re thinking too much.”

She shakes her head, trying to be convincing. It’s hard enough to realize that she’s seriously falling for him, without him calling her out. Things are becoming too meaningful for her, and she can’t keep getting this close to Blake without saying what she can’t afford to say.

She needs a bit more distance to balance things out—to give her heart some time to let him go.

“I’m your friend and I want you to be able to talk to me.”

Her hand slides to her dishevelled hair, putting some strands behind her ear.

“You are.” He affirms, his brain still struggling to keep up. “Why can’t we do both?”

“Because it’s not doing us any good, Blake. We thought it was, but it’s just confusing things; blurring lines that shouldn’t be blurry in the first place.”

“This is what you wanted.” He reminds her, his eyes now taking on a darker shade.

“I know.” She whispers, her eyes avoiding his. “I’m not saying I don’t want this anymore—I’m just saying we should do it a little less. Leave some more space for an actual friendship.”

If Blake hadn’t been spilling his emotional secrets to her all night, he probably would’ve given her more protest. She can tell he’s tired and she feels bad about doing this now, yet she couldn’t let this happen again; especially not after Blake finally allowed his guard to come down around her.

“I should go back home. It’s late.”

She inhales a shaky breath as it shudders right out, nodding. “You should get some sleep.”

She wants to pull him back to her when he gets up, but she knows she needs to be consistent, more consistent than she’s been before.

“Thanks for…” He waves his hand between them, his voice sounding tired.

“Yeah.” She finishes for him, not needing him to find the right words.

He looks at her as if he’s contemplating the same thing, joining her back on the couch and disregarding everything that came out of her mouth in the last five minutes—but he doesn’t. Instead, he respects the boundaries she suddenly set in place for them, despite his obvious reluctance.

She waits for him to close the door behind him before she lets go of some of the tears that had been threatening to fall way sooner.

Love has always had a way of tearing her up completely. Blake was not shaping up to become her exception.


	14. Chapter 14

“Zuma, come here baby.”

Gwen’s voice is high and cheerful, her smile wide when her middle son walks into her arms. He’s been unpacking gifts for the last twenty minutes, and she’s been giving him the space to do so, but now she’s itching to show her own appreciation for the birthday boy. Her arms wrap around his shoulders, her chin leaning gently on the top of his head.

“Are you enjoying the party, sweetheart?” She asks softly, cocking her head so she can look at him properly.

His nod is an enthusiastic motion.

“Everyone’s here!” The child exclaims happily, a few seconds away from clapping his hands.

Gwen tries not to think about how his eyes wander off to Blake standing in the kitchen with Todd, Zuma’s voice so hopeful it’s almost painful.

“I told you they would be.” She answers softly, swaying him a little.

She prides herself for the decorations she pulled off mostly by herself—having had help from Jen and Todd who arrived a few hours earlier than the rest. The Hogwarts-themed room looks anything but mediocre; the buffet of wizard food complete with an owl made from fruit, all decorating the large dinner table. Her brother and sister in law stayed with the kids for about forty minutes this morning, so she could rush off to the familiar bakery, to pick up the custom made three-tier cake with a sorting hat top. It’s been a bit much, the preparing for today, but she felt like it was the least she could do. Her guilt about their situation as is, sometimes still overwhelms her.

“Can I open Blake’s present now?”

She bites back a smile, looking over at Blake standing a few feet away. She figures Zuma would get distracted when the kids started getting acquainted with a piñata outside, but he stays dead still in her arms, his eyes looking up at her pleadingly.

“You gotta ask Blake. He was the one who said you should wait.”

It had surprised her when she heard him say that before, but later when he’d whispered in her ear what his surprise for Zuma was, she understood his need for mystery better.

She loosens her arms around him and smiles when he rushes off towards Blake. Her smile grows wider when she watches Zuma tug at Blake’s arm to get his attention. She was kidding herself when she thought she could stay back, because she hastily makes it over to them as she listens to their exchange.

“Can I open your gift now, Blake?” Zuma pleads excitedly. “I waited for three hours.”

Blake chuckles. “Funny, cause I only got here an hour and a half ago.”

“Blake _please_ …”

Gwen bites on the inside of her cheek, shaking her head when she catches Blake’s amusement.

He finally gives in, nodding. “It’s outside.”

Zuma can barely hold his excitement as he follows Blake out onto the patio, and she watches as the whole happening attracts many more kids from inside. She smiles at how Blake is able to handle it all with ease, giving everyone attention while making sure it doesn’t take away from Zuma’s moment.

She tries to look a bit more neutral when Todd comes to stand next to her, obviously catching onto the many emotions she feels in this moment.

Kingston and Apollo have joined Blake’s side now too, and it shouldn’t be such a damn good look; him with her kids.

Though she knows what’s coming, she still beams brighter than before when he turns his attention to all three of her children, nodding his head towards her driveway. She expected the loud shrieks from her two oldest, but she winces as Blake obviously didn’t. She laughs when she watches Blake trying to catch up with them when they run off, Gwen’s head turning to look to her brother still standing next to her.

“He actually convinced you, huh?”

She chuckles. “It was a compromise.”

“What, he could give them ATV’s, in exchange for more dates with you?”

Her eyes widen, the shock of her brother being so upfront about his observations staggering her.

“Todd that’s not….” She shakes her head. “That’s not what we’re doing.”

“But you want to.”

She looks away, a flush creeping up on her cheeks.

“I’m not gonna talk about this now.” She replies quickly, nudging for him to follow her down her property so they can join her kids and Blake.

The next few minutes are spent checking out Blake’s gift and trying to talk her boys down from the idea of testing them out right now. It’s not easy to get them to simmer down a bit, but she’s grateful for the help she gets from both Blake and her brother. It’s what she’s missed the most lately; the feeling of not having to do all the parenting on her own.

When her children are back inside, she finally gets some moments to spent with the adults in the house, cradling a glass of wine between her hands while standing in the kitchen with her brother, Blake and Jen.

“I actually like to write my songs in my bedroom, apposed to all the cliché shit you hear about bathrooms and kitchens.”

Todd chuckles, lowering his beer bottle. “You sitting on your bedroom floor with a Gibson in your hand actually paints a pretty cliché picture, my dude.”

“It paints a gorgeous picture, you mean.”

Gwen bites her lip as she tries to forget the images of herself in Blake’s room, sitting on the floor with him doing anything _but_ writing songs.

“I thought you said you didn’t write much.” Gwen interjects carefully, eying him intensely.

He shrugs. “I’ve been feeling a bit more inspired lately.”

She looks down again, feeling the stares of both her brother and Blake on her.

“Haven’t you been writing more too?” Her brother asks pointedly, the meaning of his question awkwardly clear.

She shoots him an annoyed look, which only intensifies when she watches Blake unaffected, if anything he looks like he’s waiting for an answer too.

“Yeah.” She clears her throat. “A bit.”

“You’re gonna have to play me that sometime.” Blake replies casually, his eyes a sweet mixture of sincere and deliberately honest.

She chuckles. “Don’t think so.”

“For someone who makes her living of performing her songs in front of people, she’s strangely weird about that.” Todd buts in, giving Blake a large smile.

She’s not surprised when Blake latches on to what her brother is throwing out.

“Why?”

She shrugs. “It’s personal, until it’s not.”

“When do you decide a song is ready to not just be yours anymore?”

“When do _you_?” She turns the question around on him, done with being the one in the crossfire.

“There’s a reason I don’t write a lot of my songs.” He says pointedly. “I want to put out the best version of a song, and if my doing threatens to get in the way of that, I make sure I get out.”

“I feel like my songs turn out the best when it comes from _my_ heart, _my_ mind.”

“Then why won’t you share them right away?” Blake pushes.

She looks at her brother who just stares back at her curiously, and she shakes her head at the lack of help from him.

“Sharing my thoughts means being ready to subject myself to questions about them. It’s easier to play it a bit closer to the vest sometimes.”

“Maybe you should stop playing it so close to the vest and see what happens.”

Her eyes widen at Blake’s words and she catches Todd’s facial expression overriding with a knowing amusement.

“I’m just gonna leave you guys alone for a second.” Her brother interjects amused, giving Blake a final look that holds both satisfaction and a warning.

She’s literally saved by the bell then, her doorbell barely making it over the loud noise from inside. She looks up and puts a hand on her brother’s arm.

“No, stay. I’ll go get the door.”

She doesn’t wait around long enough to hear any protest, and she lets out a deep breath when she realizes she just got herself out of a situation that quickly spiralled into something she wasn’t ready for.

Little did she know she’d be walking into one much worse.

Her breathing staggers, her hand tightening on the doorframe.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

Gavin makes a move to walk inside, but she holds a hand out against his chest quickly.

“Don’t come in.” She hisses, forcing herself on the patio with him before pulling the door halfway closed behind her. “Gavin, why are you here?”

Her heart is beating out of control, and she wonders if the men in her life will ever let her catch a break.

“Good to see you too, Gwen.” He answers sharply, rolling his eyes. “It seems like you’ve forgotten this lately, but they’re my kids too. That’s why I’m here.”

She stutters out a broken breath. “You said yourself that you weren’t gonna be free on Zum’s birthday. You agreed on sitting this one out.”

“I changed my mind.”

She shakes her head. “You can’t do that. You can’t just show up out of the blue.”

“It’s my kid’s birthday, for Christ sakes.”

“And he was incredibly worried about today as it is.” She explains gently, trying hard not to lose it. “You’re just going to confuse him by coming in.”

He misses a beat, looking at her incredulously. “Does that happen to have anything to do with that Blake guy?”

Her mouth opens to say something but words fail her, her heart slamming against her chest. She has no idea how he even knows about Blake, and her anxiety spikes as the true reason for Gavin’s arrival dawns on her.

“How do you— “

“The kids told me.” He cuts her off quickly, an annoyed look flashing over his features. “They couldn’t stop talking about their neighbour who’s been hanging out with them a lot, who’s been ‘hanging out with mommy too’...”

He shoots her a daring look, cocking his head slightly.

“It’s not like that.” She breathes, trying to hold her composure. “Is that why you’re here? You’re not even here for Zuma.”

“I am.” He pushes. “I’m here cause _I’m_ their dad, Gwen. Like you said, things are confusing right now and they shouldn’t be.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Let me in.”

She shakes her head.

“I’m serious, Gwen. Let me in.”

She goes over her options in her head, trying hard to come up with a solution that will save everyone a lot of drama. She winces when the sound of her oldest becomes clear from behind her.

“Dad?”

She closes her eyes tightly, stepping aside to let Kingston stand beside her.

“Hey little man.” Gavin steps forward, hugging him to his chest and she turns around in attempt to shield them from her growing frustration. She takes a deep breath as she realizes there’s no way she can send him away now, and she feels dizzy when her ex-husband steps foot into her lake house.

She catches her brother’s confused stare, seconds before he makes it over to her.

“Gwen?”

“Don’t.” She shakes her head, biting back tears. “Just let it go.”

“He’s got some nerve showing up here.” He hisses, staying by her side while his eyes follow Gavin angrily. He turns his gaze back to her, nudging her. “Gwen, are you okay? Do you need me to get rid of him? I’ll throw him right out…”

She shakes her head, smiling at him softly.

“No…” She whispers hoarsely, leaning into him a bit. “This is Zuma’s birthday; I don’t want any drama.”

She can tell her brother isn’t convinced and it’s her turn to nudge him. “I mean it Todd, no funny business. Just let this one go, for us, please?”

He nods, gritting his teeth. “Yeah, okay.”

She sighs in relief, letting her eyes scan over the room and watching her ex-husband talk to Zuma and Kingston.

“Where’s Pollo?” She asks while continuing to look around.

“He wanted another slice of cake. He’s in the kitchen with Blake.”

 _Blake_.

She looks over at her brother with a panicked look on her face, and it takes less than two seconds for Todd to recognize why.

“Shit, does he know about— “

“—There’s nothing to know.”

“But he does?” Todd ignores her.

She nods quickly, not having the energy to fight him any longer. Todd nods, giving her a final pat on the shoulder before she walks off towards the kitchen.

If Gavin wasn’t looming around somewhere she would’ve smiled at the sight in front of her. Apollo is sat up the counter, his legs dangling in front of Blake as he smiles up at the cowboy. Blake chuckles as he takes notice of the mess the little one managed to make on his face, his fingers sticky with chocolate mousse.

“Your mom isn’t gonna be happy when she sees you’ve got more cake on your face than in your mouth, buddy.”

Apollo just claps his hands excitedly, and Gwen clears her throat to make her presence known.

Blake looks back at her, smiling. “He wanted some more cake. I probably should’ve asked if he could have some more, but Todd— “

“It’s okay.” She interjects the beginning of his ramble, holding her arms out to Apollo. “Let’s get you cleaned up and back to the party. There’s someone here to see you.”

She catches Blake’s frown, and decides to address it immediately.

“Gavin’s here.”

She whispers the words quickly, not meeting his eyes anymore.

“Oh.” Blake answers a bit taken aback. “I didn’t know he was gonna be here.”

I wouldn’t have come, is what he doesn’t say.

“Neither did I.” She replies bitterly, forcing a smile back on her face when she looks over at Apollo’s face, now clean from any traces of chocolate.

“You ready to see daddy, sweet boy?”

He nods sweetly, but his little hands reach for Blake’s arms instead when she tries to lift him off the counter. She looks over at Blake, swallowing roughly when he looks back at her a bit sheepishly.

Blake takes a step forward, helping Apollo off the counter and back on his feet. She smiles when Blake tries to readjust his little shirt again after having it ride up a bit, but her smile fades quickly when the familiar British accent reaches her ears.

“Apollo, come here.”

Blake and Gwen look back at the same time, their gazes falling on the smug looking Englishmen standing in the doorway. Trying to defuse the situation as best as possible, Gwen’s hand pushers Apollo gently on his back. She watches as her youngest walks into his dad’s arms, Blake’s body tense besides her.

After a few moments, Apollo runs off and leaves the three adults standing alone in the kitchen. Before Gwen can get any words in, Gavin is stepping forward and reaching out his hand.

“You must be Blake.”

She holds her breath as Blake takes her ex-husband’s hand in a firm handshake.

“Since birth.”

“The kids can’t stop talking about you.”

Despite the words being kind, there’s a bitterness coating his words.

“They’re great kids.” Blake replies quickly, his tone genuine.

“At least we did something right.” Gavin nods, looking over at Gwen. “Though she sometimes seems to forget they’re _ours_.”

She can see Blake’s jaw lock as he bites back a response.

“Charming.” She murmurs, taking a step forward as she motions for them to follow. “Let’s get back out there and keep it together—this is Zuma’s day.”

She emphasizes the last part, hoping like hell everyone will remember.

 

*

 

Her kids have been enjoying themselves so far, and the sound of joy is still present from the living room. She’s grateful for all the adults to have behaved so far, everyone staying out of each other’s hairs and going with the flow—for the kids’ sake. She’s grateful to have this moment to herself though, her body feeling tense and heavy. She’s rounding the kitchen as she clears some of the contents off the counter and opens the upper cabinet above the sink to retrieve a clean plate. She used to love hosting parties—still does, her nurturing nature loves getting to take care of people and make sure they have a good time. She’s putting the small deserts on the silver platter, when she feels two strong hands encircle her waist from behind.

She whisks her head around to find Blake pressed against her, caging her in between his body and the sink.

“Blake, what are you doing?” She whispers in shock, hating how she feels arousal pool low in her stomach at having him so close.

“Your brother is performing some kind of routine the kids taught him.” Blake murmurs lowly. “No one’s checking for us, I promise.”

She shakes her head, gasping when his thumbs hook beneath the hem of her shirt and touch bare skin above her waistband.

“We can’t.” She shudders, her hands gripping the sink as she moves her hips forward in attempt to create some space between their bodies.

He moves with her, causing her to be left with even less space.

“I’ve been staying out of your way all night, even played nice with your ex-husband…” He murmurs against her ear, his breath hot against her skin. “I’m done staying clear of you.”

She swallows roughly, her throat dry. “Anyone can walk in.”

“They won’t.” He retorts simply.

She closes her eyes, wishing she had more strength and wasn’t so powerless to her own desires.

“You pick the worst times to… _oh_.” She gasps the last part of her sentence when his lips trail against her neck feather light, skimming the skin there before placing tangible kisses.

“Your ex-husband has been passive aggressive with me all night.” He whispers before lightly kissing her neck again.

Her breathing starts to quicken, her eyes still closed. “The kids told him about you.”

He pushes his hips forward slightly, letting her feel his hardness from behind.

“Good.”

She finally regains the strength to turn herself around and her breathing staggers again when she realizes he’s not about to take any steps back. Now almost chest to chest, she looks at him flushed and frustrated.

“I’m not thinking about us right now, Blake.” She states angrily, keeping her voice a passionate whisper. “You don’t know him; this could make everything harder on the kids.”

Blake looks at her as he takes in her words.

“So what do you want to do, Gwen? You want to keep pleasing your ex-husband so the kids have it easier? That’s unrealistic.”

She locks their gazes, biting her lip. “I’m trying to figure out what the right thing to do is, Blake. All I know is that you pressing me against the counter in some sort of revenge against him is not going to help anything.”

“You think I’m here because of him?”

She lets out a breath, looking at him. “Aren’t you?”

Her mind is racing almost as fast as her heart, and she’s starting to feel lightheaded with Blake’s proximity.

He shakes his head. “I’m definitely not.”

“Then why?” She breathes.

Her hands fly back to the sink behind her when Blake’s hand gently winds itself in her hair and pulls her closer to him. This man’s touch shouldn’t be this damn addictive, but she’s helpless to do anything but let his gentle grip on her paralyze her.

“Cause you’re beautiful.” He whispers, his breath softly caressing her face. She feels a flush creep on her skin when he runs his thumb over her lips. “Because you have a smile that could light up this whole goddamn town, and because I’ve been _dying_ to kiss you ever since I stepped foot in your house today.”

She sucks in a deep breath. “Blake.”

There’s no doubt about it that he’s going to lean in and do it, and she’s embarrassed to admit that she can’t think about anything else, her mind letting go of all reason quickly.

“We need to talk.”

She recognizes that voice from anywhere; Gavin.

She frantically pushes against Blake’s chest, getting him to back off. She looks at him with wide eyes, her breathing still uneven as she tries to get her bearings back. She can hear Blake sigh and Gavin’s head snaps back at him at the sound.

“Sorry to be interrupting your little moment.” He speaks condescendingly, Gavin’s eyes burning with this fire that she’s seen plenty of times when he was looking for a fight.

She hisses Blake’s name in warning, but the words are out of his mouth regardless.

“You enjoy being an asshole to the mother of your children?”

“Blake, it’s fine…” Gwen interjects.

The three adults look at each other in a moment of silence, the quiet before the storm, and it unnerves Gwen horribly. Things only become more awkward when Todd shows his face and looks at them knowingly.

“Jen and I are taking the kids outside, alright Gwen?”

She nods softly, making eye contact with her brother in that moment. He looks at her sympathetically and she knows right then and there that he knows what’s going on and is helping to give them some privacy. She waits until her brother has walked off again, before she’s stepping forward and looking her ex-husband dead in the eye.

“You can’t do this. You promised to let this go for the sake of Zuma’s birthday, you can’t come in here and demand time with me. Those times are over.”

She feels Blake’s proud stare on the side of her face, and she feels strangely warm inside at the knowledge that he admires her strength in this moment.

“You wanna talk to _me_ about behaving at Zuma’s birthday?” Gavin snarls angrily, his voice still soft but the aggression in his words palpable. “You’re standing in the kitchen fucking your neighbour at that _exact_ same party, Gwen.”

“What did you just say?” Blake steps forward and she stops him with a firm hand on his arm.

“Oh spare me that.” He rasps in response to Blake, his demeanour still as hostile as ever. “You shouldn’t even waste your time on this, man; this whole place isn’t her life, it will never _be_ her life—she’ll get over you the moment she moves back into her Beverly Hills mansion.”

“Stop it.” She hisses.

“No, by all means….” Blake smirks as he motions for the man to keep going. “Go on.”

“Blake, back off.” She looks at him angrily, shaking her head. It’s becoming clear she’s not gonna prevent the inevitable, but she’s not ready to give up yet. Turning her attention back to her ex-husband, she looks at him pleadingly. “This is not the time and place, and you know it.”

“When were you gonna tell me about this?” Gavin hisses.

Her eyes widen. “It’s none of your business.”

“It is if you’re letting him around the kids.”

She sighs deeply, looking up as if she needs strength from the man upstairs to help her defuse this situation.

“The kids shouldn’t have to suffer because you feel like acting like a slut.”

The irony of Gavin’s words have her reaction delayed, and she can’t stop Blake from butting in again.

“I’m warning you right now...” He speaks lowly, ignoring the hand that’s still on his arm as he walks closer to her ex. “You need to stop fixing your mouth at her while I’m standing right here.”

Gavin huffs. “Whatever man.”

“Gavin, you need to listen to me.” Gwen says softly, her voice suddenly wavering. “I would never do anything to hurt the kids. Blake and I are not just—” She cuts herself off, swallowing roughly. “I _like_ him.”

She knows it’s wrong to admit her true feelings in this setting, and the slight crack in Blake’s demeanour makes her feel even more cowardly for not meeting his eyes. Gavin seems to be taken aback by her words for different reasons and his face goes from surprised to angry.

“You sure moved on quick.”

She chuckles bitterly. “You’re not the one to talk.”

“They’re my kids.” Gavin says suddenly, his stance more defensive now than anything else.

Gwen’s eyes widen. “Of course, Blake’s not trying to— “

“—What _are_ you trying to do exactly?” Gavin cuts her off to address Blake, cocking his head.

“I’m trying to do what you failed to do all these years…” Blake replies lowly, his voice coated with anger. “…Appreciate them. Both Gwen and the kids.”

It’s her nightmare coming to live in front of her eyes, watching both men standing nearly chest to chest, a promise of an escalation incredibly present.

“You need to watch it.” Gavin warns.

“And you need to leave.” Gwen shoots back, trying one more time at getting this situation done and over with.

“That’s the fourth time I’ve heard her ask. You might wanna listen.” Blake follows up her words.

“You want me out of the way so you can go back to screwing my ex-wife against the kitchen counter?” He furrows his brow and Gwen wants to throw up.

“It’s been nice getting to show her what _real_ pleasure feels like after twenty lousy years in that department.”

She screams in shock when her ex-husband uses both hands to shove Blake back against the counter, his head hitting the kitchen cabinet above it with a thud. Gavin’s fist makes contact with Blake’s jaw two seconds later, and she gasps when she sees a few drops of blood trickle out of his nose.

“Gavin!” She yells, tugging at his arm but being shoved off forcefully.

Blake only needs a second to collect himself before he’s charging forward and pushing Gavin backwards, his fist landing squarely on his eye. The force of Blake’s punch causes her ex to hit the floor and she lurches for Blake’s arm when she sees him lower down to grab a hold of him again.

“Blake, stop…” She holds on to his arm, refusing to let go. “ _Please_.” She whispers.

He finally looks at her, his eyes holding a rage she hasn’t seen in him before. He wipes at his nose, blood staining his sleeve. Gwen’s breathing is erratic, the sight of her ex-husband pulling himself off the floor causing her to hastily stand in between them.

Neither one of them speak, they just keep glaring at each other, neither one exactly backing down either. She winces at the large bruise forming beneath Gavin’s eye and his split lip from when he hit the ground. She suddenly feels the rage within her rise, as the realization of what just happened finally settles.

“Both of you…” She whispers, avoiding both their gazes. “Get out.”

“Gwen...” Blake speaks softly.

“Get the hell out, I want you guys out of my house.” She replies steadily, while feeling anything but. “And take the back door, I don’t want the kids to have to see this.”

It takes both men a while to spur into action, and she shoots daggers at Gavin with her stare when he utters the idea of saying goodbye to the kids. She would’ve felt bad about denying him that in any other scenario, but there’s no way she’s going to allow them to see their dad with his lip busted and face red. She feels like crying when she hears the backdoor shut behind him, but she holds it in and turns her body towards Blake.

“Blake, I’m serious. Get the hell out.”

“What did you want me to do, Gwen?” He states softly, his hand rubbing over the sore spot on his face before dropping it frustratingly.

“Not _that_.” She retorts passionately, shaking her head. “God damnit, Blake—what is wrong with you guys? You couldn’t keep your testosterone in check for just one day? My kid’s birthday, out of all days.”

Blake grits his teeth. “He was disrespecting you.”

“And so did _you_!” She hisses. “You think fighting with my ex-husband, with my kids in the other room isn’t disrespectful?”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen.” His voice is low, the tremor in his tone a bit shakier than usual. “I didn’t want that to happen, but Gwen, I’m not about to apologize for sticking up for you. I’m just not.”

She sighs deeply, his words conflicting her to the point of dizziness.

“Go home, Blake.”

He looks at her for a few more seconds, his eyes a cloudy blue now, and his face a mess. It takes everything in her to not reach out for him; to not sit him down and take care of him. Her eyes well up again when he finally makes a move for the door, and when he looks back once more and she keeps her face neutral—no sign of changing her mind—he finally gives up.

She knows she’ll be checking up on him before the night’s over with. She wishes she could say she wasn’t, but she’s fighting a battle she’s already lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised better times are coming, and I mean that. With that said, this story will remain having angsty moments. If that’s not your cup of tea, I totally get it- this is just a fair warning. Thank you so much for still reading!


	15. Chapter 15

The soft click of her backdoor closing behind Blake had her standing there for a series of minutes, watching the now still and silent kitchen. She stares at the chipped plate that fell off the counter when Blake pushed her ex-husband against it, and then the sheen of dust lining weirdly at the place where Blake’s head contacted the kitchen cabinet. The heaviness of her chest underneath her clothes was close to painful, and she was sure that if she made it out to where the visitors were, she wouldn’t have made it through without sobbing. She needed a moment to collect herself, to pick herself up after the inevitable disappointment that settled within her at the two men in her life not knowing how to act. Perhaps she assumed that Blake wouldn’t let himself get baited that way, or maybe she’s mostly disappointed in herself for secretly liking the feeling of knowing he felt some sort of protectiveness over her. She feels like she’s drowning from the inside, landlocked in her own personal confusion, her mind having no choice but to go over the scenario a million times.

It takes her a good twenty minutes before she joins her family back in the living room—apparently somewhere along the drama that played out in her kitchen, it had started raining and they migrated back into the house. She’d made sure to give Todd a hug after coming back out, silently thanking him for making sure her kids wouldn’t be able to eavesdrop or hear a single thing of what went down between their father and their neighbour. She knows she’ll have to tell Jen and Todd the details at some point, but she’s grateful for how they seem to drop it for the time being. The rest of the party goes smoothly, aside from a few questions about Blake and Gavin’s sudden departure.

It’s been a tough one to sell, especially to her oldest, but eventually they settled for the explanation she gave, trying to stay as close to the truth as possible; the two adults made a mistake, causing Gwen to send them both home, not wanting it to ruin the party. Their dad and Blake would make it up to Zuma later, feeling super apologetic about not getting to say goodbye. The way Zuma’s face dropped at the information made her hate the two men just a little bit more, taking a few deep breathes as she lets the anger subside like the last crackle of fire before the blaze is finally extinguished.

When Gavin calls later that night, after the party is over and asks to speak to Zuma, she’s tempted to say no. She wants to spare her kids any further damage and pain, but the way Zuma had looked when she told him the news earlier is what makes her ascend the stairs and knock on the seven-year-old’s door. She can’t exactly hear what Gavin says, but whatever it is seems to help the child for now and eventually when they hang up, things seem just a little less heavy.

She sits down on the edge of his bed, before stretching herself on her side next to him and pulls him into her arms. She feels guilty, despite the rest of the party having been a huge success. She nearly starts crying when Zuma’s small but excited voice lets her know he’s had so much fun he didn’t want the party to end. When she finally extracts herself and leaves his room, Zuma’s already halfway into unconsciousness.

Downstairs, her brother and Jen have taken it upon themselves to start cleaning up a bit. She’s often hit with how a marriage should be, feeling slightly confronted but also inspired whenever she catches a glimpse of their relationship. Laughter and ease seem to be the key as they help each other clear the floor and fill up the dishwasher.

“You guys didn’t have to do that.” Gwen says softly, after having stood there for a few seconds, her presence not noticed until she speaks up.

Todd smiles at her. “It’s no big deal.”

She walks up to them, handing the final plate over. “Can I do anything?”

Jen shakes her head. “We took care of it. We figured you had enough on your hands today.”

She swallows roughly at the statement, swaying past them. She heads towards the kettle, intent on making a hot cup of tea to settle her stomach. That task alone would make her feel like she at least accomplished _something_ today.

“Are you gonna tell us what happened?” Todd asks carefully, standing still, one hand leaning on the counter.

She turns to face them, the sound of the kettle heating up filling the room. She doesn’t even know where to start, and a sudden misplaced embarrassment creeps up on her.

The room is silent as they await her response, and Gwen feels dizzy with divided emotions. She’s always been all over the place when it came to her feelings; every dimension of her system on high alert whenever she’s made to feel something.

She swallows past the flush that now colours her cheeks and spits it out quickly.

“Gavin hit him.”

She sees both their eyes widen, Todd looking up at her a bit bewildered.

“He did _what_?”

“He caught Blake and I…” She swallows again, unsure of how to word what happened between them in the kitchen earlier. “I don’t know…. getting close. Gavin delivered some low blows and Blake took the bait, angering him further and then he just…” She shakes her head, the rest of her sentence dying on her tongue.

“Did Blake— “

“ _Yeah_.” She interjects quickly, not wanting to hear the full words spoken out loud again. “I sent them both home after that; I didn’t want the kids to have to see any of it.”

She hates how both adults in front of her seem stunned into silence. Her brother always has something to say—she counted on him this time too, yet there’s nothing but loud and uncomfortable silence.

Gwen’s about to burst out of her skin, when her sister in law finally speaks up.

“Have you spoken to Blake since?” Jen asks.

Gwen looks at her as if the woman just grew two heads, the question sounding ridiculous to her.

“No, of course not.”

“Gwen, did you expect him to not defend himself?” Todd asks next, supporting his wife.

Gwen’s eyes widen. “I expected him not to antagonize him. I _expected_ him to be the bigger person.”

There’s a hint of recognition when she speaks the words, realizing it’s not quite fair to put all that on Blake, but she needs _something_ to be mad about so she doesn’t forget about everything that Blake is not;

Stable.

Committed.

Hers.

She wonders if her brother can see the sheer amount of emotions that cloud her mind. Her heart not quite believing the things she’s telling herself yet. Her breath catches when her brother decides to say what’s been on her mind the most.

“You should go check on him.”

She nods, though her body insists on not moving an inch.

“I just can’t believe he did that, you know?” She breathes, a deep sigh parting her lips. “He put his hands on the father of my children.”

Todd grimaces, about to say something contradicting, and she braces herself accordingly.

“You said he was disrespecting you though, _as usual_.” His voice is laced with frustration and she feels bad for all that she’s putting her family through. “I’m sorry, but I can hardly blame Blake for shutting that fucker up. Lord knows I’ve wanted to do it.”

“Todd...”

“I’m just saying.” He insists. “He probably shouldn’t have done it, but I understand why he did.”

It’s not what she wants to hear at all. She knows Blake cares. She knows how underneath his façade, there’s a loving and caring man; not someone who just gets baited into a physical altercation. Especially not for her. She’s used to fighting her own battles, making her own horrible decisions and paying the price, _alone_. She’s torn between feeling both validated at knowing someone wants to fight her battles with her, and feeling like Blake saw her as a victim who needed his protection.

“I don’t know how to feel.” Gwen admits on a whisper.

Todd nods, his voice a gentle sound. “Just go talk to him.”

She looks at him again, and then back to Jen.

“Are you sure you’re okay with watching the kids?” She looks a bit guilty at her family members in front of her, sighing loudly. “I swear it won’t be long.”

Though she thinks she catches something flicker in Todd’s eyes, his response is the one she expected from him.

“It’s fine, Gwen. It’s no problem, you know that.”

It’s hard for her to grab her jacket and actually leave the house, a part of her wanting to stay inside with her family and forget about everything that transpired today. There’s no way she’s going to be able to ignore this though, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe this is what she needs to finally let go of everything that revolves around Blake Shelton.

The air is cold when it hits her skin, the wind blowing uncomfortably hard against her clothes. She’s relieved when she reaches Blake’s door, despite knowing who she’s about to face in a second. Her knuckles feel exposed against the wood below them, and she holds her breath until the door swings open.

Blake’s face looks less red and puffy then when she last saw him, his features a confusing mixture of disappointed and hopeful. He's got a wet cloth tied around his knuckles and he squeezes it involuntarily.

She swallows roughly, before grimacing.

“Does it hurt?”

He smiles softly, lifting his hand to show he’s fine. “It’s well worth it.”

“That’s not what I want to hear.”

“I don’t care. It’s the truth.”

She’s not surprised to not be faced with the Blake who’ll smooth things over to make her feel better—she very rarely has been faced with that side of him, and it’s becoming less clear to her everyday if that’s actually a good or bad thing.

“Zuma was sad when you left.”

Blake’s face falls at her words, his guilt palpable everywhere. If she weren’t so damn angry, she’d feel bad for sparking these emotions within him.

“Gwen, I— “

“—You say you care, you say you want to be there for me and the kids…”

“I was.” Blake interjects softly, his head shaking. “I wanted to be, but I couldn’t just stand aside as he was throwing every possible insult at you.”

“You think I haven’t heard worse from him?” She challenges, her eyebrow raised. “You think I was gonna let some slut shaming comments ruin my son’s birthday? Cause let me tell you Blake, this was nothing.”

“Is that supposed to make it okay?” Blake retorts.

She huffs. “How do you not see how badly you messed up?”

She catches him squeeze the cloth around his hand just a bit tighter and the slight grimace on his face momentarily softens her features. She can tell he’s trying to hide his physical discomfort, and she fights the urge to take care of him.

“I messed up. I’m still not sorry for standing up for you, but I shouldn’t have done it right then and there, not on his birthday. If you let me, I _will_ make it up to Zuma.”

She feels the tears well up in her eyes, looking down at the ground to avoid them from falling.

“Can I come in?” She whispers.

“Actually….” He says hesitantly, looking at her a bit sheepishly. “I want us to go out. Let me take you somewhere.”

Her eyebrows raise in a bit of shock, her head shaking.

“Blake, I can’t. Todd’s waiting for me back home— “

“He knows.” Blake interjects quickly, suddenly looking nervous. “I mean…. I texted him a few minutes before you knocked on my door. I asked him if he would mind if I took you somewhere for a bit.”

She doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t even know how to breathe, all she knows is that everything’s happening all at once and she seems to be held out of the loop of it all.

“You got his number?” Is all that comes out of her mouth, her mind a jumbled mess.

“I’ve had his number ever since that BBQ.” Blake admits.

She swallows. “And you texted him without me knowing, about taking me out of the house…. away from the kids….”

“Gwen, _I_ ….” He fumbles a little, his eyes now flooded with a kind of panic she hasn’t seen from him before. “I didn’t mean to upset you further. I want to show you something. I _need_ to show you something.”

“…. And Todd said yes.” She ignores his words, continuing where she left off. “What the hell is happening?”

She’s not even sure she’s aware Blake’s still there, the dialogue she’s having with herself slowly starting to work her up in a panic.

“You don’t have to say yes, of course.” Blake says softly, his teeth biting down onto his lower lip. “But if you have any trust left in me, _please_ just come with me.”

Blake’s whole demeanour is a completely new one to her, and though she’s tempted to say no and run back home to give her brother hell, there’s also a large part of her that’s intrigued to see what’s sparking this change in attitude.

She feels crazy for even considering it, but when she catches Blake’s gaze, she can’t help but nod.

“Where are we going?”

“It’s only a twenty-minute drive.”

She shakes her head. “Blake, I’m not gonna let you drive with that hand.”

“Fine.” He concedes. “You drive. I'll give the directions.”

She looks up at him, biting her lip. It’s no secret that Blake’s determined and confident side gets way too much done when it comes to her—and she can’t seem to break that pattern tonight. She nods in agreement, waiting on his porch as Blake grabs his car keys from inside and loses the comforts around his knuckles.

She’s been in his truck before, but never in the driver’s seat. It’s a bit weird to have Blake sitting next to her in the large pick-up, and she tries to ignore his blatant stare on the side of her face. His low voice only speaks up to give her some short directions, but for the most part there aren’t any words spoken. She thinks he might need this time to make sense of things for himself, and she starts to realize how the weight of what happened is just as much on Blake’s shoulders at it is on hers.

The truck comes to a stop exactly twenty minutes from when she drove out of his driveway, and she smiles at Blake’s accuracy. Looking around, she can’t see anything except for a concrete parking lot and a bunch of trees. She turns her face to look at him, shooting him a confused glance.

“This is where you wanted to take me?”

He smiles. “Don’t judge before you’ve even set foot outside of this car.”

Before she can say anything back, he’s jumping out of the car and walking around to her side. He holds the door open for her, and she smiles nervously. It’s completely quiet wherever they are, and if she weren’t with Blake, she’d for sure be a little freaked out. Blake seems to recognize her tension and chuckles. His shoulder bumps into hers with how close they’re walking, and she’s not quite sure what to do when his hand starts touching her fingers, hinting at wanting to grab hers.

It’s way too intimate, way too public, and though there’s no one around to see them—it still feels like a brazen risk. She looks up at him with a slight shake of her head, but Blake dismisses it completely. His hand keeps barely touching hers, and she can’t take it anymore. Her hand reaches out to intertwine their fingers, and a whole rush of adrenaline finds its way into her body.

They probably shouldn’t, they should probably be more careful; hell, she doesn’t even know what they are anymore at this point. With Blake’s large hand tangled confidently with hers, she finds herself caring less and less by the minute. Her eyes are still starting to make sense of their surroundings, and she grows even more confused when Blake leads them around the corner to a vacant knick-knacks shop.

“Blake where are we?”

He shushes her with another chuckle, his free hand pushing against the shop’s door. She wants to tug at his hand, remind him of the fact the shops closed, but she swallows her words when the door pushes open regardless.

“Blake, we can’t…” She whispers, mortified as he tugs at her hand and brings her inside with him. “They’re closed.”

“It’s fine.” He smiles, closing the door behind her and flicking on the light. “The owners are friends of my mom’s. They live upstairs, so I asked them to keep the door unlocked.”

“You told them we were coming here?”

“Texted them as I went to grab my car keys.”

She swallows. “But why? I mean, why did you want to bring me here out of all places?”

She’s heavily aware of the fact he’s still holding her hand and she lets herself get dragged with him into the back, one antique looking chair and a small sofa gracing the wooden-decorated room. The vintage looking show room is filled with random items; from deer-heads, to fishing gear, to cowboy boots and land maps. She takes in everything as much as she can, lowering herself next to Blake on the way too small sofa. There’s no room for any distance, and Blake’s shoulder is confidently pressed against hers.

“This doesn’t seem like a shop you’d spent a lot of time at.”

“I’ve probably been here more than I’ve been at home, until I moved to Nashville at sixteen.”

She looks at him surprised, squinting her eyes.

“Because they were friends of your mom?”

He smiles sweetly, his eyes softening as he looks back at her.

“Yeah. It was nice being around some people who truly knew us. Especially after Richie passed.”

It’s crazy how Blake’s sadness can penetrate her soul the way it does, leaving her with no choice but to feel the ache of his loss.

“You’d rather be here than at home after that?”

He nods. “My mom was grieving, y’know? I don’t blame her for how she did.”

She doesn’t need him to say more to understand what he’s getting at, her hand subconsciously seeking out his again as she squeezes his finger.

“It was just hard seeing her like that, it was hard being a kid and feeling like I had to fill a space I could never possibly fill.” Blake continues, his index finger tracing the top of her hand. “Ada is only about forty minutes away from here, so I’d just let my friend drive me out here most days after school. This is where I wrote my first song, had my first summer crush…”

She smiles at Blake’s gentle admission, being hit with a strange feeling of wishing she’d met him sooner—wishing she’d known him for all his life, getting to experience their earlier lives together.

“And the shop is still theirs?” Gwen asks softly, looking up at the ceiling as if she’s just reminded that these people are living right above them.

“They’re not leaving until they’re either dead or legally forced to quit.” Blake chuckles, the lighting in the room closer to dark than it is to light.

“It’s a cute place.” Gwen muses, letting her eyes scan over the entirety of the room again.

Blake smiles. “You don’t have to pretend to like what they’re selling here, darling.”

She bites her lip while looking at him.

“It’s not just about what they’re selling, though.” She says sweetly, her voice gaining a certain excitement that she can only get over cute decorations. “It’s very homey in here, like a small living room almost, except it’s a store.”

Blake chuckles again, his eyes looking straight ahead this time.

They sit like that for a while, neither one saying a word. She knows she can’t keep holding off the inevitable, and she tries hard at finding the courage to speak up. Blake’s arm has found its way around her somehow and she didn’t even register that happening. His closeness gives her the final push she needs to be straight with him.

“Blake...” She starts carefully, afraid to look at him.

“Did you mean it?”

She’s not surprised to hear he’s thinking about the same thing she was; his demeanour rather calm, but his eyes still not focused on her.

She nods. “I didn’t mean to say it in front of him. I didn’t mean to tell you like that.”

“Why _did_ you?”

She sighs deeply, shaking her head. “I wanted him to know I wasn’t just…. I wasn’t just making poor decision for nothing. I didn’t just let a random guy get close to my kids.”

“Poor decisions?”

She closes her eyes, kicking herself for her inarticulateness.

“That’s not what I meant.”

Blake’s gaze finally finds hers again, and she’s tempted to look away again when all she finds in his eyes is genuine care and confusion. His stare hurts almost as much as his words do.

“I’m tired of pretending like this is just something casual, Gwen. I’m tired of lying to myself, and I’m tired of watching you lie to me.”

His words feel like they’re taking the air straight out of her lungs, her fingers finally stilling from where they’re still lying on top of Blake’s hand.

“You know I like you.” She whispers brokenly, her whole chest feeling like it’s being cracked open and viewed for the rest of the world to see.

“Do you want to know why I brought you here?” He asks softly, his hand moving so it’s on top of Gwen’s now, a move to calm her.

She doesn’t trust in her voice yet, so she just nods.

“I brought you here because I wanted you to see something real. I want you to know everything there is to know about me, so if you do reject me, it won’t be because of a fake version you created in your head.”

“Blake….” She whispers, her eyes watering again.

“You want me to be honest, right?” He pushes gently, yet his voice is low, steady sound. “The truth is that you’re the last thing I think about at night, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I’ll tell you something else…”

“ _No_!” She interjects, pushing herself off the couch as a fresh wave of anxiety hits. There’s no denying it, and Blake’s voice left no room for misunderstandings; she knows what he’s about to say, and she also knows there’s no turning back once he does.

She rakes a hand through her hair, trying to keep steady on her wobbly legs. Blake’s quick to stand up with her, stepping in front of her with that same confidence that she’s started to associate with him from the start. His eyes are still soft as they look down at her, his lips curved into a small smile.

“Look at me, Gwen.”

Her breathing is loud, her voice shaky when she finally meets his gaze again.

“Blake, everything will change.” She whispers, placing her hand against his chest when he steps closer.

“I know.”

“Our lives are complicated.” She shakes her head, biting her lip so hard she tastes the coppery taste of blood in her mouth. “I don’t even live here.”

Blake’s hand slides towards his chest, gripping her hand as he brings it in between them. He tugs just a little bit, causing her to stumble into his chest and his mouth lowers to her ear.

“I don’t care.”

“Blake, don’t.” She whispers in warning as his pained hand lifts her chin up, his eyes gaining a lively sparkle. Her heart is pounding, Blake’s firm grip on her hand the only thing steadying her, and then the words are out there for neither one to ignore.

“ _I_ _love_ _you_.”

She draws breath, but it stutters right back out.

Her eyes are unable to look away from his, even when her own finally release the tears they’ve been holding. Blake’s still holding on to her hand, his fingers still underneath her chin. She feels like she’s standing there for ages, just looking at him while his hands keep her steady. Tears make its way down her face, but she’s too tired to shield them from him. She wants to say so many things, she wants to say it back, but she can’t do anything but just stand there. Blake’s face is soft and knowing as he holds her gaze, his tall figure looming over her in the dimly lit shop.

It’s all too much then, his eyes, his mouth, his _words_.

She lets her free hand slide up his arm, until it reaches the good side of his jaw. She swears she sees a stutter in his demeanour when she urges his head lower. The moment his lips connect with hers, she’s pressing herself against him ferociously. Her hand moves to the back of his neck, keeping him there as if he would float away otherwise.

His tongue finds access inside her mouth, tangling with hers rhythmically. His hands travel down to her lower back, over the curve of her ass. She can’t help but moan at his touch, standing on her tip toes as she doesn’t want this moment to end. Her hands can’t help but move, traveling from his neck to his shoulders, and down to his chest.

Her movements aren’t put to a stop until Blake’s hand is grabbing her face, tilting her head back to gain access to the skin of her neck. She wants to warn him about not leaving any marks, but the way he’s kissing and sucking at her sensitive skin has her forgetting all about it. She grips onto his shirt, sliding her hand down to his bicep as she holds on for dear life.

She pulls herself closer to him again, wanting to return the favour, when she catches a small flinch. His mouth is back on hers a second later, allowing her to push the image out of her mind again. He’s too good at rendering her completely useless and she can’t imagine a life where she never felt the sensations of his kisses.

Her hand grips onto his shoulder when he flinches again.

This time, she moves her face away just slightly, gasping when Blake nibbles on her earlobe.

“Blake…. wait.”

His tongue darts out to tease her again, shaking his head. “Don’t wanna.”

She moans when his short stubble brushes against her cheek, and she can’t help but lean into the touch.

“Your shoulder…” She gasps, holding onto his arm. “It hurts?”

“It’s nothing.”

She allows two more kisses before she’s pulling back more determinedly. Her lips are swollen and his eyes are wild when they stand in front of each other again. They're standing so close, all it would take was for him to lean down, or her to lean up for things to heat up again.

As if to prove her point, another jolt of pain hits Blake and his hand moves to rub over his shoulder involuntarily. He sighs deeply when he catches Gwen’s gaze and bites his lip.

“It’s been like this ever since my shoulder hit that cabinet in your kitchen.”

She feels a bit of tension creep back into her body, the mention of the fight from earlier shattering a bit of the rose-coloured glasses that Blake kisses provided just now.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugs. “It wasn’t the most important thing right now.”

“Blake…” She sighs, sliding both hands up his chest and resting them there. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, don’t apologize.”

She swallows roughly, looking back at the sofa as she starts to gently walk him backwards. His eyes meet hers in confusion, but she brushes it off. Instead, she pushes him to sit down, turning him a little so she’s facing his back.

“Gwen, you don’t have to— “

“Shut up.” She cuts him off quickly, placing a quick kiss on his cheek to ease the burn of her words. “Just sit still and let me take care of you for a second.”

She didn’t quite know what she expected after speaking those words, but feeling Blake relax in her arms and submit to her request, wasn’t one of them. Her hands move to the top of his shoulders, her fingers starting to knead softly at the tension it's holding there. She alternates between squeezing his shoulders and placing soft kisses to the back of his neck, smiling to herself when she hears him sigh in bliss.

“Does this feel good?” She murmurs quietly, rubbing her thumbs in circles over his shoulder.

He nods. “It feels amazing, baby.”

She smiles when he leans into her touch some more, yet feeling him flinch a second later when she pushes just a tad too hard on his shoulder.

“Sorry.” She whispers, placing another kiss to his neck.

“It’s okay.”

“Just try to relax.”

His body gives in to her once more, his head turning slightly to look at her.

“I know we probably have to head back soon, but can we just stay a little bit longer. I don’t want this night to end just yet.”

She smiles emotionally at his words, swallowing down the lump in her throat.

“Whatever you need, cowboy.”

She might not have said these three words back to him, but she sure hopes he can feel her reciprocation in every caring touch of her hands.


	16. Chapter 16

She woke up with the worst pain in her joints, her body not made for these full nights on the couch, sleeping tangled up with Blake in their clothes from the night before. They’ve done this for a few nights in a row now; Blake would come over long after the kids had gone to bed, and they would cuddle up and have some close calls on her couch. He’d stay over, but never upstairs, and he’d always be gone before the kids woke in the morning. This time, had been different though. Her time at the lake house is coming to an end soon, and she just doesn’t have the heart _or_ strength to kick Blake out today.

Her shoulder had been killing her from the moment she rose from consciousness, and even Blake’s best efforts to softly knead the tension out of her muscles didn’t get rid of the pain completely. She’d smiled brightly when he offered making the kids some breakfast so she could go shower. It wasn’t something she thought of just putting on him, but he’d reassured her at least five times before she hesitantly walked up the stairs. She couldn’t help but get Kingston and Zuma out of bed herself, giving them some small heads up about Blake being downstairs and giving them a strict warning about being polite and needing to behave. She didn’t quite know what to expect, but her children didn’t seem the least bit bothered about Blake’s presence—if anything, their smiles grew twice as wide at the revelation.

Taking a shower proved to be heavenly, her body immediately relaxing underneath the spray of warm water. If Blake hadn’t been downstairs with her kids, she probably would’ve allowed herself some more time, but she drags herself out of there after about fifteen minutes, the smell of her cherry scent body wash filling up the bathroom. She changes into a comfortable hoodie and jeans, and can’t wait for the moment she can steal some of Blake’s flannels instead. Walking down the stairs, she can hear Apollo giggling while the other two boys are chatting away enthusiastically. She lets herself stand still in the hallway for a second, just taking in the scene in front of her without disrupting the picture.

Blake seems surprisingly comfortable with being alone with her children, his appeal to them a natural and organic thing. The second surprise comes from how obedient and calm her kids are as they’re faced with their breakfast. Normally it takes her quite a few warnings before they settle down and stop playing around, but with Blake it seems like they’re all on their best behaviour.

Eventually, she can’t help herself and makes her presence known in the kitchen. She walks up behind Apollo and leans down to give him a sweet kiss on his cheek. She rounds the kitchen counter to do the same with her other two boys and she shoots Blake a grateful smile.

“I smell eggs.”

Blake smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ve got some for you too.”

She bites her lip, sitting down next to Kingston.

“Perfect, I was just craving those.”

It’s almost too easy, this whole morning routine they’re finding themselves in. Maybe it’s the fact that her children have already spent so much time with Blake before, that they’re not even phased by him being there with them in the morning, or maybe they’re just way less oblivious than she thinks and they kind of figured this would happen at some point. Maybe both.

Whatever it is, it makes for a very carefree morning. They sit like that for at least thirty minutes, listening to Kingston as he talks about his disgust of school starting again soon and Zuma rattling off a bunch of Harry Potter characters, because ‘it’s just not right that Blake has never seen one in his life.’”

After one of the most rewarding yet hectic breakfasts of her life, the kitchen is vacated again except for her and Blake. She’d felt a bit strange about having Blake so obviously ingrained in their lives, but when her kids show their liking to him in the way they did today, she feels like it’s all meant to have happened this way.

Blake’s standing a few feet away when they approach a conversation she’d dreaded to have, but is relieved to be having anyways.

“It _is_ what I want.”

His response is slow, delivered with a hint of frustration. She understands why, and though she didn’t mean it, she can’t help but feel like she’s forcing him into something that just isn’t for him.

“Are you sure?” She asks again, walking up to him.

“I am.” He replies confidently, his arms reaching out for her waist. She stands in front of him, his back leaning against her counter while his arms pull her in. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I’ve been on the fence this whole time, until now.”

She shakes her head. “What changed?”

“Everything.” He answers simply, yet it’s complicated and meaningful. “I finally have something worth coming out there for.”

“What about your life here? Your life at the ranch back in Oklahoma?”

She’d just found out about his other property, and she can’t believe he’s willing to split up his time on the land.

“I’ll still have these places, I’ll still come back as much as I can. But Gwen, this lake house has always been more of a seasonal thing anyways.”

“But your ranch isn’t.”

“I’ll be coming back there whenever I don’t have to film the show.”

“And when you _do_ have to film?”

He smiles, pulling her in tighter. “I’ll be with you. If you want that, of course.”

Her face breaks a little, tears pricking at the back of her eyes at the mere suggestion. She struggles with finding the words to answer him, knowing the minute she says them out loud, it’s real. She also knows that it’s all she wants, and she’s done denying them of that.

“I do want that, Blake. God, I can’t believe we’re leaving in two days and you’re not coming with us. It’s gonna be so weird.”

His hand rubs slowly across her lower back, soothing her.

“I’ve been in contact with my realtor for a while, before you even came out here—just to see if anything was available after my divorce. I mean, the offer suddenly sounded a bit more appealing.”

She swallows. “And?”

“There are a few options. There are obviously quite a few rentals to be found in L.A. It wouldn’t take too long to get everything set in stone if I decide to actually go for it.”

She sighs, stepping closer so she can lay her head on his chest.

“In the meantime, we won’t be able to see each other much.”

“We’re talking weeks here, Gwen. I seriously doubt it’ll become a matter of months.”

She tenses up at the idea of not having Blake around her for months, her head physically trying to shake these thoughts of there.

“I guess I’m gonna be busy for a while anyways; the kids being back in school, me trying to finish up this new record—it’s going to be crazy.”

“And before you know it, I’ll be there.”

She looks up from where her head is plastered against his chest, her eyes wide and excited.

“So you’re officially taking the offer?”

He nods. “You’re looking at America’s latest reality tv star.”

She giggles, biting her lip. “I think you’d be really awesome at it, babe.”

“For America’s sake, let’s hope you’re right.”

“Are you sure you’re not gonna regret this?”

“I get to be closer to you, hopefully get to hang out a bit more with the boys too, plus I’ll be able to mentor some kids who share the same dream we had. There’s no reason for me to regret this, Gwen.”

_I get to be closer to you. The boys too._

The words play over and over in her mind, an endless loop, barrelling straight through all the walls she’d build up before, leaving them as a pile of wreckage at her feet. Without that wall build up high in front of her, she can’t see anything but the truth staring her right in the face.

He loves her.

If she could, she’d remain standing in his arms all day. Instead, she makes sure her kids are busy enjoying themselves, everyone a little sad about their time here ending. Blake sticks around for a little while, but takes the afternoon to himself to take care of some business and make the important phone call to his manager. Gwen eventually gets tired of running after her kids outside, and buckles them all up in her car and drives them to the bakery for some snacks. It’s a carefree day to say the least, and she can’t begin to explain how much she’s been craving one of those.

The day goes by way too quickly because of it.

They invited Blake over for dinner, and she was a little surprised to hear him turn down the offer, apparently needing some more time to get things in order. It was a little disappointing, but she also can’t deny that it’s been good to have this quality time with her children. Blake had been around a lot these last few days after Zuma’s birthday. Getting to spend half a day with just her kids—the way it used to be before—was healing in a lot of ways.

She quickly takes care of tidying the kitchen and living room before putting her kids to bed, Kingston staying up a little longer. She bites her lip at how fast her oldest seems to be growing up; his way more adult form sitting in front of the tv a bit carelessly. Everyday she’s reminded of the little things that make him just a little less child-like, and more mature. She’s grateful for how he seems to turn back into that small child that just wants some attention whenever Blake’s around.

The house is freakishly quiet after they’ve all hit the covers, and Gwen’s suddenly a bit restless with the overbearing quiet. She hasn’t heard from Blake ever since they asked him to come over for dinner, and though he told her he was busy, she’d at least expected another text. She fights the urge to call him, not wanting to come across too desperate.

They just started getting into this newfound dynamic, still testing the waters. It’s not like he’s obligated in any way to contact her every minute, that’s also not what she wants. She’s been too needy before, too obsessive—she’s determined to do things differently this time.

She enjoys one glass of wine in front of the television before her eyes start involuntarily closing, the task of focusing on whatever’s playing on the screen becoming way too hard. She sighs after checking her phone for any notifications and coming up empty again, biting her lip as she forces herself up the stairs.

It’s a strange sensation to be feeling all these feelings again. Even during her marriage, a lot of these butterflies and first-time feelings had evaporated, making everything she’s feeling right now a lot less familiar. She missed feeling the thrill of realizing someone truly liked her, but she didn’t miss her overeager mind making up scenarios and fears that she otherwise would never give a second thought.

She pulls the covers up to her shoulders, hoping that her fatigue would take her under soon, as it proved to be the only way to shut up her wandering mind.

 

 

*

 

She keeps her eyes on the pool, though her thoughts are everywhere else. Her boys are throwing ball, their voices the only thing keeping her from getting lost in her head. Her back is leaning against the comfortable lounger, and the privileged comfort she feels by just simply sitting there works as a reminder that it’s the last day.

She runs a hand through her hair, sighing in disappointment when she thinks of all the packing she has left to do. She’s always been a bit of a chaotic person; starting to pack a day in advance, or procrastinating until her stress levels hit a boiling point and cause her to spur into action like a manic are all way too familiar to her.

She thinks of how easy things would’ve been if she didn’t have all these responsibilities she’d be coming back to in LA. Everyone cut her some slack before she left, she was the hurt and broken ex-wife who desperately needed a break then. She’s the woman they’re all expecting to come back stronger and healthier than before this time. It will be nice to have some of the same routines back; getting up early, bringing her kids to school, bringing Zuma to his soccer games. In a way, she missed those things because it brought her a sense of familiarity—something that hadn’t changed, and most likely wouldn’t change for a while.

She doesn’t know how to feel about going back to work though. She already has some studio time scheduled for when she comes back, and though she loves to be surrounded by music and other songwriters and producers, this time will be different. It’s always been a beyond personal experience—getting to share her deepest, darkest thoughts with people she barely even knows. Yet this time, there will be so much more at stake. She’s not only writing about a failed relationship everyone knows about; she’ll be writing about a new one that’s sparking her creative juices to flow all over the place.

It’s hard not to let her thoughts go there, still having heard nothing from Blake at all. His truck wasn’t in his driveway this morning either, and despite her urge to call him, she refrained. It’s a horrible cycle, these insecurities of hers. She knows she should just reach out and text him, tell him she misses him or something. The man even confessed his love for her, and yet she can’t get herself to drag her finger towards his name in her contact list.

“Be careful with your brother, King.” Gwen shouts suddenly, seeing the moment happen when the plastic beach ball hits Apollo just a little too hard in the face.

She grimaces when his loud cry echoes from the pool, and she shakes her head while leaning forward.

“Come here, baby.”

She holds her hands out until Apollo stumbles into her arms a bit dazed, lazy tears sticking to his already wet face. She’s always prided herself for having a lot of energy, but nothing could’ve prepared her for becoming a mom to three boys.

“Are you okay?” She coos, her thumb rubbing softly across the place underneath his eye. “Your brother didn’t mean for that to happen, but you gotta be careful, okay?”

She smiles when the toddler begins to wiggle its way out of her grasp, turning his head back to the pool.

“I’m okay, momma.”

She nods gently, sitting back again as she lets him go back. There’s no doubt in her mind she’ll have to intervene at some point, but her phone ringing momentarily distracts her from that thought.

Her eyes dart over to her screen, and she’s surprised when she doesn’t immediately recognize the number. She hasn’t exactly made a lot of new friends out here.

“Hello?”

“Gwen, it’s Endy.”

Gwen smiles, though still a bit surprised as this was the last Shelton she expected a call from.

“Endy hi, what— “

She doesn’t get granted the courtesy to finish her sentence, being immediately interrupted by his sister. 

“Gwen, I need you to not freak out but something happened and Blake’s currently at Mercy hospital.”

It’s like everything stops for a minute. Her thoughts. Her life. Her heart.

She shakes her head, tears springing to her eyes. “W-what are you talking about? What happened?”

“Someone ran a red light and hit Blake’s car last night. He suffered an internal bleeding and the doctors had to do a damage repair surgery to prevent it from causing any further harm.”

She tries to cover her gasp with her free hand, tears falling rapidly now.

“Is he okay? Do I need to— “

“Gwen, sweetheart, please breathe.” His sister reminds her with a calmness she doesn’t quite understand. “The surgery went great and Blake’s fine. They’re keeping him here for observation, but the doctors are hopeful of a speedy recovery. If all goes well, he’ll be out of here by the end of the week.”

_If all goes well._

She can’t breathe, she feels sick to her stomach and her eyes dart over to her kids in the pool. Her breath gets stuck in her throat, her chest feeling like it’s constricting.

“I need to see him.”

“He’s allowed visitors, just one at a time. We’ve been here all night, if you want to come see him, you can.”

“I need to call someone, my brother...” Gwen says softly, her voice barely a rasp. “Someone needs to look after the kids.”

“Of course.” Endy says sweetly, her own voice a bit shaky now too. “He’s going to be fine, Gwen. He’s doing much better than the doctors expected after quite an intense surgery.”

Gwen nods, feeling some air get back into her lungs, but not nearly enough to be comfortable.

“I’m gonna call my brother and then I’ll be on my way.”

Everything after that goes in a haze. She calls her brother through her tears, somehow managing at telling him the story. She feels bad about dragging him out here again, after he’s literally been here a few days ago. She debates on telling her children the truth about what’s going on, but she doesn’t want to worry them either. Realizing she still has no security whatsoever, she decides she can’t lie.

She managed to get her brother on a private flight, making it so that he could be here in a couple of hours. It felt like a lifetime as she sat with her kids inside, hugging them all while simultaneously trying to speak calming and reassuring words. When her brother finally arrives somewhere in the afternoon, she falls apart in his arms in the hallway before pulling herself together.

She decides on taking a cab out to the city, in no condition to drive herself. She loses even more hours, and by the time she’s pulling up at Mercy hospital and runs towards the ER, it’s close to dinner time. She has trouble getting her words out once she’s at the front desk, everything feeling like a blur and her mind not all there.

It feels like a literal wave of fresh air when Endy’s voice comes from behind her. She turns around quickly, not caring about anything as she walks straight into the woman’s arms. She’s not quite sure how long they continue to hold each other, but it’s long enough for his sister to be reduced to tears as well. She can tell she hasn’t been sleeping ever since getting here, and though her voice sounded calm and collected over the phone, it’s impossible to deny the painful fear and sadness in her eyes.

Eventually she’s led to Blake’s room, the visitors pass she’s made to wear only making her feel nauseous; the whole thing becoming realer with the second.

Mike stands up from outside his room when they approach, giving her a hug as well.

“He’s awake.” Mike smiles softly, patting her arm.

“Can I….”

Gwen feels bad about practically forcing his family out the room, but her legs have a will of its own as they already drag her towards the door.

“Yeah, go.” Endy encourages, letting her husband hold her for a while as they sit back down on the plastic chairs outside.

Gwen’s heart feels like it’s gonna beat out of her chest. The whole time she’s been obsessing over losing Blake, she never once thought she’d have to consider it in the literal sense.

The room smells sterile and antiseptic, and nothing could’ve prepared her for seeing Blake like this; an IV attached to his hand, while the sound of the machine next to him makes her restless. He looks much smaller this way, a few superficial stitches lining his jaw and cheek. Her eyes well up at the sight immediately, her breath catching.

“ _Blake_.”

Though he’s definitely awake, his senses do seem a little delayed, his lips curving up slowly as he takes in Gwen.

“You came.” He rasps in a hoarse whisper, his body slumped back against the white hospital bed.

She wants to come closer, grab his hand, hold on to him, yet her legs won’t move an inch. It’s like she’s nailed to the ground, the reality of the situation kicking in and the realization of how close she got to losing him making her feel dizzy. She stares at him for a few seconds, lifting her hand to her heart as if it would magically relieve some pressure there.

“Oh my god.” She whispers, shaking her head.

“I’m okay.”

Her mouth opens to say something, but she closes it again quickly. It takes one more soft smile from Blake to set her legs into motion. She approaches his side slowly, her hand holding on to the low railing next to his bed.

“Are you in pain?” She whispers.

He shakes his head with maximum effort. “They got me pretty doped up.”

She swallows roughly, trailing her hand down to where his hand is laying on top of the covers, stopping just before her finger threatens to touch the syringe. She bites her lip in an attempt to fight back her tears, her hand softly squeezing his thumb.

“I’m so sorry.”

She watches Blake’s eyebrow raise from the corner of her eye.

“Why are you sorry, Gwen?”

His voice sounds a bit slurred, and she’s reminded of how tired he must be.

“You’ve been here all night and I didn’t even know. You were in an accident and I had no idea. I thought you’d—” She shakes her head, suddenly not brave enough to admit to him that she doubted his commitment again.

 _I thought you’d changed your mind_.

“You couldn’t have known. It’s okay.” Blake reassures her softly, his thumb moving up slightly to initiate some light touch of his own.

She takes a few moments to just look at him; his eyes were much smaller than usual, the blue of his irises a bit clouded by the obvious exhaustion, his curls were falling a bit flat across his forehead. She wants to force her way next to him, press herself between the railings and his body and just lay with him until he’s better.

“You should sleep.” She speaks hoarsely, whisking away a stray tear.

He shakes his head again. “You’re leaving.”

She leans over him carefully, placing a kiss on the top of his head before lowering herself on the hospital chair next to his bedside.

“I’m not going anywhere. Not yet.”

“T’rrow.”

She frowns when his words become harder to make out, his voice dropping to an even lower sound and his slurring indicating he’s close to dozing off.

“I promise you, I won’t leave without waking you first.” She presses the promise against his cheek, leaning over him again.

“M’not tired.”

She smiles through her tears, her heart feeling incredibly heavy at seeing this beautiful man laying so defeated in front of her. His words have barely left his mouth before he’s fast asleep, his grip on her hand becoming weak until it’s laying completely limp beneath her.

She uses the opportunity to let her own tears fall freely, muffling her sobs with the hand that isn’t currently still holding Blake’s. She never intended to fall for this man as hard as she did, and she also didn’t mean to waste this much time—she says an extra prayer just in case anyone needed anymore confirmation that she’s done running from him. She needs him. She can’t deal with having gotten _this close_ to him being taken away from her.

Somewhere along her emotional outburst she’d fell asleep herself, because when she wakes up again, Blake’s already smiling down at her. She’s surprised to see him up already, and she wipes at her eyes hastily. She looks down a bit terrified when she realizes she was still holding his hand while falling asleep and she was leaning on it just a tad too hard.

“Oh my god Blake, I’m so sorry. You should’ve woken me up.”

She pulls herself upright, letting go of his hand immediately, her eyes looking up to his apologetically.

“You looked like you needed the sleep, Gwen.”

“I’m not the one laying in a hospital bed. I’m not the one who got into an accident.”

Neither one of them speak for a moment, their gazes still locked. His hand reaches out for hers then, indicating he wants her to grab onto his. She moves her hand over the top of his fingers, careful to avoid the IV going into his skin.

“I’m sorry I scared ya like this, darling.”

Gwen’s eyes widen. “You don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“My manager made the call; negotiations are officially over, I accepted their offer.” Blake waits for his words to register with her and continues when her facial expressions show him that they did. “It’s why I was driving in the first place, I was on my way to get us a nice bottle of wine to celebrate.”

She can’t look at him anymore, her hand lightly squeezing his index and middle finger.

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty?” She whispers.

“I’m trying to tell you that I have zero regrets. I’m trying to tell you that you’re not getting rid of me this easy.”

She looks up again, her head lowering so it can lean against his forehead gently.

“I don’t want to leave you here.”

“My sister and Mike are here.”

She sniffs. “I know. I’m glad they are, I really am. I just…. I want to be here too, I _should_ be here.”

“What you need to do is get on that plane with your kids tomorrow, Gwen.”

She shakes her head, though she knows he’s right.

“The kids are worried too.”

“Even more reason to go back home with them tomorrow. Tell them I’m alright, show them everything’s the same.”

She can’t help but let her tears escape now, losing the fight with how badly she wants to spare Blake her own pain in the midst of his physical ache.

“Endy told me you’d be here for at the least until the end of the week.”

Blake nods. “And then a four-week recovery period at home. I heard the Doc.”

“You won’t be able to travel.”

“I won’t.”

She bites back a sob, softly running her hand down his cheek.

“Are you sure you don’t need me to stay? I can tell Todd to take the kids back home, just for a little while, I could— “

“Gwen, baby, listen to me.” Though his words are determined, they sound much softer in volume and she’s suddenly hit with more worry. “I’m going to be fine. I don’t want you to put your life on hold for me, and I know you don’t want to do that either—not when it involves the kids.”

She’s silent after his soft but hard-hitting words, her mind all over the place. She registers a few tears rolling down her cheek, but she’s not in any state to wipe them away. The only thing she can do is stare at the man in front of her, her heart hurting at the thought of having to leave him so soon.

“Sweetheart, you’re killing me.” His soft voice speaks gently, motioning her forward.

There’s still no movement on her part. Feelings of confusion and anxiety run through her body like an electric field she’s unable to fight; everything so out of her control, she feels like she’s swimming against the tide, drowning violently.

“Sit down on the bed.” Blake says next, his eyes looking at the little bit of space next to his side. “You won’t hurt me, I promise.”

She comes forward slowly, every step feeling like it has to be done with great caution. She looks at him hesitantly and he nods briefly. It takes her a few seconds then to lower herself next to him on the bed, sitting on the far edge, yet close enough for her hand to rest on his upper arm just below his shoulder.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

She lets out a broken sigh, nodding. “They couldn’t keep me away even if they tried.”

“Maybe after a few weeks, you can come see me at the ranch.” He says softly, his eyes becoming a bit less focused, a bit sleepier.

“Of course.” She whispers, biting her lip. “I would love that.”

“Really?”

“Blake, it would make me so happy.”

Her answer seems to be enough for him to close his eyes in a bit of peace, his whole being still so much smaller than she remembers it. She hates seeing him in a hospital bed—seeing him so depended and subdued, hurting her deeply.

“But….” He starts weakly, his eyes opening just briefly to look at her. “…Tomorrow, you gotta…”

“I know.” She nods in affirmation, not ready to hear him say it again. Leaving is hard enough as it is, abandoning the lake house she’s come to love another punch to the gut, and leaving Blake’s side as she finally started to accept her feelings for him is a different kind of torture, even without the mention of an accident.

“Gwen?”

His eyes are closed again when he murmurs her name, and she looks up to his still handsome features.

“Yes, Blake?”

His breathing becomes a bit louder, exhaustion obviously catching up with him once more.

“I love you.”

She cries again, only this time she knows Blake can’t see it, and she makes it her personal mission to not let him hear it either. She squeezes his arm ever so gently, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.

Her lips hover there for a few seconds, the smell she’s come to associate with Blake still present, even now. She smiles when she pulls back a little and he's already drifted off into unconsciousness.

“I love you too.”

He doesn’t open his eyes, and it makes her want to say it over and over. The next time she says the words, she wants to look him straight in the eye, while kissing him all over, showing him just how much she means those words. For now, she takes the way his features soften and the way his breathing evens out to a softer, more stable rhythm.

She knows she won’t be able to stay much longer, needing to be back in time to catch the flight out with her kids. She also knows this was Blake saying goodbye to her for the time being, and though she wishes they could’ve spent these last few minutes awake and present, she’s grateful enough for Blake having pushed himself this long.

She places another soft kiss to his head, before moving down and placing a chaste one on his lips. Though he can’t reciprocate, there’s not much else in the world that feels as right as having his lips pressed to hers. She cries some more, just because she was terrified and she’s relieved to know he’s going to be okay. She also sheds some tears over the fact that she’ll miss him like crazy while she’s back in California.

When she finally pushes herself off his bed and towards the hospital door, she’s greeted with Endy’s hopeful face. Apparently, they’ve just had a talk with his doctor and she’s about to miss the next check-up. She makes them promise to call her, update her on anything new, and they agree with utmost sincerity. She can only be grateful for how greatly she gets along with these people and how much they’re willing to include her.

Leaving that hospital is one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do, and the only thing she can think about is how much she loves him—how much of her heart is left behind here when she finally makes it onto that plane.

She loves him. All she wants is all the time in the world to show him that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?


	17. Chapter 17

“I missed you so much.”

Her voice is a whiney sound but she doesn’t care. She hasn’t seen Blake in two weeks, and it’s been weird going from being neighbours to not even being in the same state.

“Trust me darling, all I’ve been able to think about is you.”

She smiles at him from where she’s pressing herself against his chest, closing her eyes when she feels his arms tighten around her.

“I know you film long days, but I really don’t feel like the show is keeping you in LA enough.”

He chuckles. “Well, it doesn’t help that you offered to come out here... I wasn’t gonna pass up on the chance to have you out on the ranch with me.”

Blake’s place smells like a weird mixture of wood, sweetness and the outdoors, and she’s not regretting her choice one bit.

“The next time you’re in LA, I’m not letting you leave.”

“Maybe you should come over and help me decorate that rental someday, then. It’s not really a place where anyone would want to spend forever in.”

She pulls back a little and leans up, capturing his lips in a slow but deep kiss.

“I know you don’t like it out there.” She murmurs against his mouth. “I’m sorry about that.”

He shakes his head, his hand cupping her cheek.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I don’t like that place, no, but I love you and knowing you’re close by is all I need to be happy there.”

She feels herself tear up at his words, standing on her tip toes to kiss him again.

“I gotta admit, I kinda fell in love with this place too after spending quite some time here.”

She’d managed to switch some weeks with Gavin right after Blake’s accident, getting to spend some time out here to take care of Blake, while also getting a taste of his ranch.

Though she’s glad the times of Blake not being able to work on his land, or need a hand whenever he was tired and couldn’t quite make it up the stairs anymore were over- she can’t deny she’s been missing staying out here more often.

“I can hear you thinking, sweetheart.” He muses gently, rubbing his hand along her back.

She sighs. “I just feel like I’ve been too busy.”

“That’s what happens when you’re Gwen Stefani. The world just doesn’t function quite right without you helping out everywhere.”

“I should’ve been helping you out more.”

Blake frowns. “Baby, what are you talking about?”

“I know it’s been a while since the accident and you’re feeling better, but it just made me realize how little time we have and I don’t want to spend it wrong. That’s all.”

Blake’s face goes from confused to sympathetic and his arms pull her flush against his chest again. His mouth lowers to the top of her head.

“You’ve been there for me every step of the way. I’ve never had that before.”

“It doesn’t feel like it’s enough.” She swallows, starting to feel emotional.

“I know it scared you, hell it _terrified_ me. But I’m right here, Gwen. I’m not going anywhere and you can’t live your life feeling like it’s all gonna get taken away in a flash.”

“You _did_ almost get taken away from me.” She whispers, some tears soaking the fabric of his shirt. “I could’ve lost you that day.”

“But you didn’t.”

She sniffs. “I just wanna be out here more.”

Maybe it was her voice, or maybe he just realized this wasn’t something he could just make her feel better about, but his voice lowers just a tad when he whispers against her ear.

“How about I come with you when you go back to California? I’ll stay there for a few weeks and just ask Endy and Mike to take over certain responsibilities here on the ranch?”

She looks up quickly, eyes wide. 

“Blake, you don’t have to do that for me. That’s not why I said these things.”

“I know.” He says softly, keeping her close to him. “But I also know that you’ve been under a lot of stress and I haven’t done enough to help you relieve some of it.”

“You’ve been busy recovering, Blake. I’d say that’s much more important.”

“Four months have passed, baby girl. I’m done recovering, let me help you.”

She shakes her head. “You don’t even like it there.”

“I’ve already explained to you that’s not how it works.”

His words don’t sound mean, but they do sound determined and she can’t argue with them either.

“I would love to have you closer.”

He hums. “Then it’s settled.”

“I love you.”

She presses the words against his shoulder, he fabric there muffling them a bit. It’s been weird saying those three words frequently to each other now, but it’s also been one of the biggest blessings of her life. 

Blake Shelton’s love is one thing she for sure never thought she’d have, but couldn’t possibly live without.

“I love you too, Gwen.” He nuzzles his face in the crook of her neck, placing gentle kisses on her skin. “So damn much.”

“Do you think we still have some time before it comes pouring down tonight?”

The random question throws him off momentarily, looking at her sideways.

“I don’t think it’s raining tonight...” He answers positively. “Why?”

“Remember the first time I came over here and you and I watched the stars from that spot outside?”

He chuckles. 

“Yeah. I also remember wanting to get frisky with you right then and there and you shot me down.”

“The accident had literally just happened. Technically you weren’t even supposed to leave the house yet, let alone engage in any physical activities. The doctor said to wait at  _least_  three weeks.”

Blake pouts as he goes over the memory in his head, and she slaps his arm playfully.

“Honestly, sometimes when we have sex even now, I worry that I’ll hurt you.”

“You know there’s a name for that kink, right?”

“Blake, I’m serious.”

“Baby, it’s been  _four_  months.” He emphasizes again. “I had abdominal surgery; the doctor also said it wouldn’t take much more than four weeks to heal from that.”

Her hand moves from his chest, lower to his stomach, carefully resting her hand over where she knows the small scar is.

“I just want you to be okay.”

“I _am_ okay.” He whispers. “With you, out here in Oklahoma, I’m always okay.”

She bites her lip, reminding herself of her initial idea.

“Can we go outside and watch the stars again?”

Blake leans down to plant a soft kiss on her lips, smiling at her lovingly.

“Sounds like a perfect plan to me.”

 

 

*

 

She almost misses it at first. Passes it off as the gentle breeze caressing her, the gentle undulations lapping at her skin. But then his teeth scrape gently against the lobe as his tongue slips out to trace the shell of her ear, and she can't stop the shiver that races down her spine, infusing her body with warmth and spreading out from there.

"Cold?" he asks, though she knows he knows better.

"You’re ridiculous.” She chuckles, shaking her head. “I thought we were supposed to be watching the sky.”

"I’m not saying you should stop watching the sky.” He breathes against her, warm exhale dancing over the sensitive skin behind her ear as one hand begins a tortuously slow descent. His fingertips dance down her ribcage, over her stomach, dipping into the crease of her hip.

Gwen shudders, subconsciously arching into him as his digit’s skate across her skin, down and around to the underside of her thigh, to the tender spot that makes her curse.

“Blake, baby, what are you trying to do to me?” She whines, the press of his palm warm against her leg.

“I’m just trying to relax you in the best way I know how.”

Her breathing is already starting to speed up and he’s barely done anything yet. His fingers running freely over her skin, and clothed areas has her beyond desperate in no time. He’s a cruel tease, but she loves it. She’ll never tire of their hot and fast, but this slow and long experience he creates for her often, proves to be the most amazing in the end.

He swirls a finger lazily between her thighs, flicking, teasing, pressing just enough to draw forth a gasp. She curses the tiny denim short still working as a barrier between his finger and her flesh underneath.

“Blake.”

She can practically hear him smile, his fingers moving up until they’re resting at her waistband.

“It shouldn’t be legal to miss you as much as I have.” He whispers against the side of her face, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek.

It’s crazy how he can go from sensual tease to mister romantic, but she will never grow tired of that either. She lets herself lean into his touch, her head laying against his chest.

“I’m not gonna say no to you this time, you know?” She says softly, meeting his eyes a bit nervously, a shy smile plastered on her lips.

He looks at her a bit incredulously, furrowing his brow until recognition hits. The smile that breaks through on his face is nothing short of slick and dirty, his movements stuttering only for a second. The arm that was keeping him up now pushing him into a sitting position, his other hand motioning for her to lay down onto the outdoor furniture.

She loves when he lets his passion for her take the upper hand, taking the lead on their physical encounters while never losing sight of the fact that it’s really _her_ who controls what happens—and how. His large palm settles on her lower stomach when her back has fully hit the lounger, and it takes Gwen a few seconds to realize his hand is lowering to the buttons of her daisy dukes. He’s got them shimmied down her legs in no time, the black thong clinging to her hips still. Goosebumps erupt everywhere between the chill of the night hitting her now bare skin and Blake’s dark and sensual glare as he stares her down.

She bites her lip, a shaky plea on the tip of her tongue. He beats her to it though, and she’s grateful for how he doesn’t make her beg yet. She knows it’ll be only a matter of time.

He moves then, only needing one swift move to be hovering above her, keeping himself up by his hands. There’s a moment of worry that crosses her mind, still somewhat afraid he’ll push himself too far, too fast. He catches onto the look on her face and smiles before placing a soft but deep kiss on her lips, sneaking his tongue inside gently.

“I’m fine.” He whispers against her slick lips, smirking. “Never been better.”

She wants to say something, but Blake’s fingers delicately and deliberately pushing her lace aside and using it to his advantage to part her, has her gasping instead.

“Oh God, Blake.” She pants, back arching, hips lifting off the lounger as it seeks out more of him.

He lowers himself just a little, until his head is at her chest. She closes her eyes at the prospect of what he’s about to do, suddenly wishing she had something else to hold on to; covers, pillows, bedframe.

Her shirt and bra are disregarded fast, and it’s only a matter of seconds before his hot, wet mouth seeks her erected nipple as he continues his ministrations between her legs, and it's too good, too much yet not enough, all at the same time.

He slides into her then, first one finger, then a second, and she presses forward into his hand, placing the heel of his palm in direct contact with her as he moves within her, slow at first, then faster at her silent urges. Her hands clench themselves into little fists, the noises coming out of her mouth ones she’s absolutely never heard herself make before.

He twists his hand ever so slightly, freeing his thumb to slide over her clit, solid pressure where she wants it most, and it's only another few seconds before she's clenching around him, arching into him. The uncontrollable rolling of her hips against his hand has her crashing over the edge quickly.

It's sudden and it's intense, wracking her body as she lets it wash over her. He works her through it until it's too much, until she's desperately wriggling away from his touch, and only then does he remove his fingers. He settles back on top of her, kissing her forehead before smiling down at her.

Gwen’s chest is still heaving, the occasional aftershock rippling through her body. He cradles her tenderly, welcoming her shaky limbs and racing heart into his embrace. She drops her head back onto his lounger once more, breathing deeply as she comes back to herself.

God, he's good at that.

It's a few minutes before she coaxes her eyes open, blinking furiously up at him.

"Warmer?" Blake murmurs, all smug and proud of himself, and she'd berate him for it if she wasn't currently too blissed out to move.

Instead, Gwen hums contentedly, her hands seeking out his cute face.

“Make love to me.” She whispers, her grip on him a tight one. “Right here, right now.”

He chuckles, a little laugh of victory and she shakes her head at the sound. She loves this side of Blake; playful, but determined, never once missing his opportunity to make her feel better. She’s still weak from her previous orgasm, but somehow she finds the strength to summon him closer, needing his lips back on hers again.

He distracts her well enough for her to not even realize he’s taken off his jeans and boxers, his hardness now pressing against her center in the most antagonizing ways. She’s never been familiar with this type of want; the desire to be with him something so primal and animalistic. She gasps when his hands swiftly disregard the soaked piece of lace, it landing somewhere out of view. She bites her lip when his large hands part her legs, coming to rest in between them.

“Are you sure?”

She smiles when she realizes he’s asking because of the privacy aspect—despite having told her numerous times how no one would be able to see into his outdoors property, she’d been able to hang on to some irrational paranoia regardless.

She nods. “Please touch me.”

He nips at her lips again, his hands lifting both of her legs around his waist. The look in his eyes is a confident one, and she knows he’s totally aware of her need for him. His thrust is slow yet forceful, not stopping until he’s all the way sheathed inside her.

He makes a low sound as he bottoms out and she can’t stop the soft cries escaping her lips either. It’s always good, the feeling of him so close, so deep inside of her. Her arms reach around his neck, her mouth opening on a gasp when he moves again.

“You’re so incredibly gorgeous like this.” His low Southern voice mumbles against her lips, her own head snapping back at the sound of it. He shakes his head suddenly, tugging her hair softly while pulling her head up. “Na-ah, focus on me, look at me.”

Nothing but moans and whimpers escape her mouth, her arms feeling strained from holding onto him so tightly, but she doesn’t care. This is the type of closeness she craves from him. Her body feels like it’s being tag-teamed by pleasure, his length inside of her reaching places that have her seeing stars. She wants to ask for more, but her throat feels too dry to talk, every syllable dying on her tongue before she can even open her mouth.

“What do you want?”

Of course he’d make her talk, she didn’t expect any differently. He loves taking her out of her mind, he loves being the one to dismantle her like this.

“You.” She chokes out, holding on for dear life. “Only you. Please.”

“Hmmm, got you.” He groans and grunts, slamming back into her.

Her legs stiffen then, her hands balling into fists on his back. She screams his name, and it scares her how she’s never been necessarily vocal in bed but literally can’t shut up for him. She feels her body trashing, pulling away from the pleasure he ignites within her while also doing whatever she can to pull him closer. It takes a few more thrust for him to fall apart as well, his loud groan and moans falling of his lips enough proof of his own shattering.

There will never be enough words for her to describe how much she loves the fact he never pulls away. Her ex-husband used to always back off the moment they were done, his desire and interest in her disappearing right after he got what he wanted. She’s always been too much of an affectionate person, too much into cuddling, for that to _not_ hurt.

Blake doesn’t pull away.

Blake holds her until she’s all the way down from her high. He rubs her arms in favour of feeling her chills disappear. He likes the way she feels in his arms, or the way he manages to turn her restless wiggling into a peaceful quiet. Blake loves to hold her.

“I love you.” She whispers, her hand moving up to his face as she aligns it with hers. “You know that, right?”

His smile is a bright one, his kiss expected.

“I do know that. And I love you too.”

 

 

*

 

The temperature of the water was just right to wash away the chill of the evening. She hasn’t been cold much, mostly due to Blake’s practiced ways of keeping her warm. Still, she didn’t know how much she needed a warm shower until she’s stepping out of it, hugging the robe tightly around her body. Her hair is laying wet and lose around her shoulders, and she smiles into his bathroom mirror.

Here at Blake’s ranch, freshly showered, without make-up and nothing but her robe on, she feels the most _her_ she’s ever been. It’s another ten minutes before she joins Blake back into his bedroom, the sight of him sitting on the edge of his bed, checking his phone whilst obviously waiting for her before getting under the covers makes her smile as well.

“You look way too enticing for your own good right now.” She purrs, walking up in front of him, her hands sliding up his bare shoulders.

Blake looks up from the phone in his hands, a slick smile coating his lips as he watches her check him out. She can’t even blame herself; the sight of him without a shirt, and nothing but his boxers on, will forever take her breath away.

“That was actually my plan.” He grins, sliding his arms around her lower back. “You took way too long in that shower by the way.”

She smiles, biting her lip coyly. “I apologize. How about I make it up to you?”

He cocks his head as if he’s going over the numerous options, his amusement prominent in his eyes.

“I don’t know if you can. It’s a pretty lousy thing of you to do, making me wait at least twenty-five minutes to touch you.”

Her hands slide down his chest gently, intentionally grazing his nipples before the stills them on his torso. Her eyes wander down to the small discolouration of skin, the area of light-pink the only indication of the accident. One of her hands moves down just a little, her finger touching the gentle scar.

“You were lucky, you know?” She muses softly, her hands continuing to touch on his naked chest. “It could’ve been so much worse.”

She feels bad for bringing it up again, yet her mind has a hard time letting go of it. Though Blake has made it his mission to move on from it rather fast, it still plagues a big part of her brain. She could’ve lost him.

“I know.” He affirms, sliding his hands up higher on her back. “I’ve also had some pretty great people taking care of me.”

His smile grows bigger, his hands pushing her forward until she’s trapped between his knees.

“Just following doctor’s orders, baby.” Her hand moves to the back of his neck, massaging the skin there with her thumb. “You’re stubborn so I had to make sure you’d take your meds, got enough rest...”

“Enough rest, talk about the worst part.” He whines, his lips damn near into a pout.

She laughs at the sight of it. “You didn’t even rest that much. Besides, before I came to see you, you could barely get yourself up the stairs. Don’t tell me that resting wasn’t in your best interest.”

He smiles at her strict words, a chuckle escaping him when he realizes she’s shamelessly proud of making her point.

“Never said I didn’t need it, just saying I hated it.”

She moves down, planting a soft kiss on his lips. “I’m sure your sister didn’t _love_ having to come over here almost every night to make sure you weren’t gonna be your stubborn self and fall down the stairs, either.”

“Which is why I relieved her of her duties some nights and actually let some other people take care of me too, thank you very much.”

Gwen’s brow furrows, her forehead resting against his as she smiles. “Let me guess, you called Luke and let him sit on the couch with you all night, while the two of you made fun of the Doctor saying you shouldn’t push yourself too much.”

Suddenly there’s a flash of something she can’t quite place, taking over his features. She frowns again at the sight, but Blake brushes it off before she can ask about it.

“How about we stop talking about the accident now and get on with what’s _really_ important?” He smirks at her before using his strength to force her down on his lap, her legs now at each side of his waist.

She lets him nuzzle her face a bit, his lips touching hers feather-light, until her curiosity wins out and she holds him off with a hand cupping his cheek.

“What was that reaction just now?” She asks softly, enjoying the way his short stubble feels underneath her fingertips.

“Nothing. I just don’t see the appeal in talking about it when I have a hot blonde like yourself sitting pretty on my lap.”

“Did something happen between you and Luke?”

Her voice suddenly grows worried and she can see Blake give in as he realizes she’s not about to let the subject go. His hands once again move to her back, holding her there while he sighs loudly.

“Nothing’s wrong between him and I. He was actually very serious when he was here; the idiot wouldn’t even let me get up on my own to take a piss.”

“Good.” She smiles. “I sense a ‘but’ coming though...”

“It’s not important.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

She’s surprised when Blake buries his face in her neck, her own hand playing with the hairs in the nape of his neck as she watches Blake submit himself to everything he feels for her. After a few seconds, he pulls back slightly, resting his forehead against hers.

“Jenna was here one night.” He speaks the words softly, her eyes widening as he continues. “Not for that. She heard about the accident and came to check up on me unannounced.”

His hands on her back suddenly feel like they’re burning her skin through the thin fabric of her robe, her hands on the back of his neck stilling completely.

“What?”

“I didn’t want to tell you, cause it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I’m in love with you, and I won’t see her again; she and I haven’t spoken at all since.”

She lifts her head to look him in the eye, her heart beating violently against her chest.

“Why?”

He looks confused, his hands slowly massaging her back.

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why haven’t you two spoken since?”

“Gwen, _I_ — “

“You always said she was your friend. You told me she was your friend way before I ever came into the picture. If she just came by to check up on you, why was that the last time you spoke to her?”

He looks at her almost pleadingly, and that look utterly terrifies her.

“Why did you stop talking to her, Blake?” She whispers through gritted teeth; every second he takes to answer causing fear and anger to rise within her. “Answer me.”

“She made a move on me.”

Her chest tightens, her hands falling back to her sides.

“She knew I was dating you and she tried to kiss me anyways. I told her to leave and I haven’t spoken to her since.”

She nods her head as the information registers, her hands pushing against his shoulders as she moves out of his lap and off the bed. Both hands hold together each side of her robe as if the tied band around her waist isn’t enough. She feels naked suddenly, exposed, once again oblivious to wrongdoings happening right under her nose.

“You lied to me.”

“I didn’t lie to you. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it’d matter.”

She shakes her head, inhaling loudly. “Don’t play word games with me, Blake. You didn’t tell me a girl you used to screw tried to kiss you, because you knew it was wrong. You lied.”

“I didn’t tell you because I knew you would take it the wrong way.”

He’s pushing himself off his bed, walking towards her. She shakes her head again, taking a few steps back, indicating she doesn’t want to be touched.

“When did this happen?”

Blake sighs. “About two weeks after I left the hospital.”

She nods. “So when I came to visit you here for the first time…”

“It had already happened.”

She swallows roughly, biting back her tears. This couldn’t be happening; they’d come too far for this to come up now, she’d worked too hard at keeping her fears in check for this to become a problem now. She forces her gaze back to the ground, cursing herself when she feels a tear slide down her cheeks.

“Gwen, please look at me.” Blake ushers her softly, his voice a soft sound, worried.

“I trusted you.”

“Nothing happened.” Blake counters, ignoring her whimper of protest as he walks closer. “Nothing happened and nothing will ever happen with her again. That chapter is over, I promise you.”

His hand lands softly on her waist, pulling her in closer.

“Don’t.”

“Look at me.”

Her eyes finally look up, catching his worried gaze. He retightens his hold on her, one of her hands involuntarily moving up to rest directly over his heart. The move was meant to keep some distance between their bodies, but it ends up making the moment that much more intimate.

“I should’ve told you, and I’m sorry.” He speaks to her lowly, his hands on her hips firm and reassuring. “I messed up, but Gwen, if I had known she’d be coming over, I would’ve told her not to. I don’t want her; I didn’t want her to come over either. God, all I could think about while I was stuck at home was you. Dreaming about the next moment I’d get to see you again, hold you in my arms—that’s what made me want to do everything in my power to recover as quickly as possible. Even if that meant laying low and doing nothing. You weren’t even there, yet you were the one thing that kept me on the straight and narrow. You were the _only_ thing I could think about.”

Tears have taken over her face at this point, her breathing shallow and ragged. It’s like she’s caught between the worst two tides, both extremes fighting to take her under. She wants nothing more but to believe him, yet it seems like his lie was enough to trigger every single fear she’d been working so hard to suppress.

“You made me feel like an idiot.” She whispers, avoiding his gaze again. “Like it’s the easiest thing for people to lie to me, cause you know you can just feed them to me like it’s candy.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” His arm tightens around her again, his free hand cupping the side of her face as it whisks some tears away. “I’m so sorry.”

She shakes her head, wiggling herself out of his grasp. “I need a moment.”

She slides out of his embrace completely, making her way into his bathroom. She’s almost afraid to look in the mirror now, and when she finally does, it’s almost worse than she expected. Her eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and her nose feels stuffed since she hasn’t blown it enough. Her hair now just looked frizzy and her skin was pale. She splashes a bit of water on her face, securing her hair into a ponytail before entering the bedroom.

Blake’s still standing where she left him, his eyes pleading with her before his voice does.

“Please let me take you back to bed. Let me hold you.”

She can’t help but look away.

“I’ll take the couch tonight.”

“Gwen.”

“I need some space, _please_.”

His eyes flashed in the impending darkness and she thought for sure he was gonna fight her on it.

She’s surprised to find him doing the opposite, nodding softly.

“Take the bed.” He answers, walking past her as he fights the urge to reach out for her. She hates how her face constricts when he doesn’t, her heart and mind seemingly always at odds. “I’ll take the couch.”

“It’s your house.” She whispers.

“No Gwen.” He shakes his head, looking at her a bit hopelessly while collecting one of his shirts to take downstairs. “It’s ours.”


	18. Chapter 18

She moves down the stairs agonizingly slow, the thin nightgown she chose to wear sending shivers up her spine. Her arms are ridden with goosebumps, but she’s not sure whether that’s due to her being cold or her going over the memories of tonight. The memory of Blake admitting to something he kept from her, and the memory of him going downstairs to sleep on the couch. She’d felt bad initially; it’s  _his_  house, it was  _his_  accident.  

She’d expected to find Blake asleep on the couch, a blanket wildly thrown over his restless body, but instead she finds the couch vacated. The lights are out, except for the small kitchen light above the sink. She stops tiptoeing down the stairs when she realizes he’s up and there’s no need to be careful. This is not what she expected when she came down for some water. She considers walking back up the stairs, not being prepared for an awake Blake. Not being prepared for anything, really.

Blake’s sitting on the kitchen floor, right next to the counter, a glass of what appears to be whiskey cradled in his hand. There’s a half-empty bottle resting on the ground next to his body. The dimly lit kitchen causes the outline of his body to be painted in the form of a shadow in front of him, and Gwen swallows roughly at the sight.

She takes a few steps into the kitchen, her eyes staring harshly at him while he keeps quiet. It’s unnerves to her to say the least, his loud silence, and it quiets her in return.

She moves to the kitchen cabinet to retrieve a glass of her own, filling it up with water. She finds her hand slightly shaking when she holds it between manicured fingers, her gaze once again lowering to find Blake still seated on the floor.

“Are you sure you want to do that?” She whispers, letting her eyes travel to the glass in his hands.

Blake’s gaze remains in front of him, his hand softly swaying the glass a little. She watches him bite his lip, the frustration of not hearing him utter a single word eventually causing her to sit down next to him. Her back is pressed against the dishwasher, the large wooden counter blocking her view of the rest of the room.

“It’s two-thirty in the morning.” She tries again, looking at him softly.

Instead of an answer, he lifts the nearly empty glass to his lips, and savours the taste in his mouth before swallowing. Gwen sighs deeply, both afraid and frustrated about where Blake is leading them into. 

“Talk to me.” 

The words come out much less graceful than she would’ve hoped, but she catches a stutter in his stoic demeanour, just a tiny flicker against the wind.

“You should go back to bed.”

She shakes her head. “What are you doing? Why are you sitting here? Why are you drinking?”

Blake chuckles, yet the sound lacks all amusement. All she can hear is frustration and anger, mixed with his intoxication.

“It’s my house, Gwen. If I must spend the night on the couch, for a reason I can’t get behind, I’m gonna at  _least_  enjoy a drink while I do so.”

She tries to ignore the sting in his words, or the way he avoids looking at her while speaking them.

It’s Blake’s attitude tonight that’s suddenly got her nervous, causing her words to come out like a stutter. “I’ve been thinking…”

“That’s great.”

She falters for a moment, Blake’s less than gracious interruption throwing her off more. 

“Blake, I’m trying to make things right here.”

“You don’t trust me.”

He says the words casually, like it’s something he’s known all along and doesn’t even bother getting worked up over anymore. He says it like it’s a statement, no hint of a question anywhere. He says it like he doesn’t care it takes the air straight out of her lungs.

She shudders out a long breath.

“I do.” 

“You trust that I love you, but you don’t trust I won’t cheat on you. You’re so messed up from what he did to you, that somehow you feel like those two things can go hand in hand.”

She blinks against the darkness, and she feels like she’s just been sucker punched in the gut. 

“That’s not fair.” She whispers, staring at the side of his face in shock.

“Isn’t me keeping the truth from you exactly what’s gotten us into this predicament in the first place?”

She hates what he’s doing; hurting her in the name of being honest, yet she also battles with feeling like she has no right to feel angry about it.

“You’re angry and you’re lashing out.”

Blake takes another sip of his drink, still not meeting her gaze.

“You don’t trust me.” He repeats, the same tone colouring his words. “You think I asked her to come over that night, don’t you? You think I felt bad, felt useless, and needed something to make me feel alive.” He lets the words linger, leaving a sour taste behind in her mouth. “You think I screwed her. Tell me, am I wrong?”

She shakes her head in disbelief, words failing her at the moment.

“Am I wrong, Gwen?” He presses.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer.”

His head finally turns to look at her, his eyes dark and hooded, the promise of something worse laying dangerously close behind them. 

“Answer the damn question.”

She sighs again, this time reaching forward as she tugs the glass out of his hands, setting it next to her body. It’s far enough away for him to have to reach over her if he wants to get it back, and they both know he won’t.

“I think you should’ve sent her away when she got here.” She admits softly, holding his fiery gaze. “I think you should’ve been honest with me about what happened.”

“I was in an accident. She got worried. You wanted me to send her away?”

“She could’ve called.”

Blake looks at her like she just grew two heads. 

“But she didn’t. How is that my fault?”

She bites the insides of her cheek, feeling her body get heavy. “It’s not, but letting her stay, that  _is_  your fault.”

Blake lets his head lean against the cabinet behind him, scrubbing a tired hand over his face.

“You’re being irrational and jealous, right now.”

Gwen huffs. 

“You wanna keep avoiding any responsibility? You wanna sit on your floor at 2:30 in the morning and drink a bottle of whiskey on your own?  _Fine_.”

She uses the counter in front of her to pull herself up, slamming her glass of water down on the surface. Behind her she hears Blake scramble onto his feet as well, but she doesn’t pay him any mind. It’s not until his hand reaches out for her arm, trying to stop her from leaving that she turns around and faces him again.

“You knew what she wanted!” Gwen whispers sharply. “You knew what you guys once were and you knew she still wanted the same thing. You let her stay, you let her think she had a chance and you don’t send her home until  _after_  she makes a move on you. I might be jealous, and irrational, and messed up—but you can’t tell me you wouldn’t feel the same way if the roles were reversed.”

Blake looks at her a bit sheepishly, his hand still on her arm. She tugs it out of his grasp in one firm pull.

“I love you.” She continues, softer this time, less spiteful. “I love you and you know that. You also know I’ve been lied to more times than I could possibly count. All I ask from you is to not keep things from me…” She shakes her head as a few tears escape her eyes. “I’ve been honest with you ever since we made this official, but you know this type of shit makes me insecure. You’re scaring me.”

Her words are coming out between ragged breaths and shallow sobs, and she didn’t even realize Blake’s hand came back to hold on to her arm. She doesn’t pull away from his touch this time, but she doesn’t let herself get pulled in closer either.

“Gwen, I’m sorry.” Blake says softly, his eyes finally softening a bit. “You’re right, you’re so right and I’m sorry.”

She hears his words but she can’t register them fully, instead she lowers her gaze to the ground and wishes it could open up and swallow her whole; the embarrassment of breaking in front of him like this, _again_ , too much to bear.

“I guess I was just being naïve, hoping that she could care for me as a friend still, even though I knew she probably couldn’t.”

Gwen’s breath stutters out again and all the sudden two strong arms are engulfing her small frame. She begins to utter a few words of protest, but they die on her tongue when Blake’s hand rests at the back of her head, pressing her firmer into his shoulder. Despite her still pending frustrations, this is forever her favorite place to be.

“You can’t do this to me.” She cries.

“Shhh.” He holds onto her a bit tighter, placing a kiss on the top of her head. “I’m sorry, baby. I wanted to spare you this because I knew it would hurt you and I didn’t think it’d be worth it. I want you,  _only_  you, everyone else just doesn’t matter.”

She lets him hold her like that for a few more minutes, enjoying the way her skin feels when it’s pressed against Blake. She suddenly becomes aware of the time, feeling her body grow heavier with fatigue, but she can’t even think about pulling away from his firm grasp.

“Blake?”

Her voice is small and soft, and she gets only a few seconds to debate if what she’s about to admit will be worth it. His head leans back a little so he can look her in the eyes, his nod a small one.

“Yeah, baby?”

“I’ve been having nightmares.”

Blake’s eyes squint at her, his arms holding on to her tighter. She can tell he wants to ask questions, but he refrains from speaking when he senses she’s not quite done. 

“Ever since you got in that accident I’ve been having these dreams about you and…I lose you, Blake. Almost every night.”

She feels beyond vulnerable admitting that. She hadn’t spoken to him about them yet, not wanting to worry him or make him feel guilty about something that’s so beyond his control. The few times he’d caught her waking up in a sweat, she’d brushed it off as random nightmares she couldn’t even remember as soon as she woke up. Blake’s eyes are like computers right now, processing all the information and finally piecing it all together.

“The few times you woke up panicked…”

She nods. “Yeah. But I usually don’t have them when you sleep next to me.”

“Did you have one tonight?” He asks softly, rubbing her back in slow patterns. “Is that why you came downstairs for some water?”

She swallows softly, suddenly afraid to meet his eyes. 

“You weren’t next to me.”

He pulls her in closer against his body, resting his chin on the top of her head. She feels bad for potentially causing him to worry, but she needs him to know what’s going on inside her brain.

“I’m so sorry.”

She shakes her head, his apology the last thing she wants. “It’s not your fault. I didn’t tell you this to guilt you, I just…. we have to be honest with each other.”

He nods. “I’m glad you told me.”

“It’s just gonna take some time for me to get over almost losing you. Those first few weeks away from you, I don’t know, I feel like they did me more harm than good. I was always wondering if you were alright, and being back there in California while you were recovering here—it killed me.”

“I hated it too, you know?” He whispers against her hair, continuing to hold her.

“I know. I’m just saying, maybe it wasn’t all about you not being honest with me from the start. Maybe I was just mostly upset cause she got to be there, while I couldn’t.” 

She keeps quiet for a little bit, hearing Blake’s soft exhale of breath in the quiet kitchen. 

“You have kids.” He reminds her gently, stroking a hand through her hair. “You have other responsibilities that aren’t me—no one expected you to just drop everything.”

She sniffs again, closing her eyes as she presses her head more firmly into his shoulder.  

“I did.” She admits softly. “I wanted to do more. You know that.”

“But you gotta change that mentality, Gwen. It’s not healthy.”

She shrugs. “I don’t think I can.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “Then you gotta try harder.”

She moves back a bit, his grip on her slightly weakening but still not letting go. He must realize how the words came out, because he follows up his words in a bit gentler tone.

“I’m not saying you’re not trying. But you can’t live your life feeling guilty about doing the right thing. I’m still here, I’m not going anywhere, we have all the time in the world to be there for each other.”

She feels herself getting worked up, emotion sitting painfully in her throat. “I love you and I’m sorry for making things so complicated.”

“Hey, no….” He nudges her gently, smiling when she comes willingly and presses against his chest again. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. What happened was scary, and you had a right to be upset about the whole Jenna situation. I just don’t want you to feel bad about yourself any more, okay Gwen? You’ve done enough of that already.”

She nods, unable to fight his analogy on this one.

“Can you come back to bed with me?” She whispers, sliding her arms around his neck. “I just need you to hold me tonight.”

He smiles softly, his head lowering so he can plant a slow kiss on her lips.

“Sounds like a damn good plan to me.”

He softly pats her ass once before grabbing her hand and leading her upstairs. She’s grateful to have him back in bed with her, a feeling of safety creeping up on her immediately when he slides beneath the covers and spoons her, his arm draped over her waist.

She closes her eyes, finally having a chance at getting some sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place one day after their fight. Enjoy!

She’s grateful for the way his hand is still holding on to hers, her lips curved up into a shy smile as he ushers her through the small crowd. She feels a bit pathetic as the nerves suddenly get to her badly, Blake’s steady grip on her the only thing keeping her somewhat sane. He flashes her a big smile, reassuring her without words, and it’s exactly what she needs to breathe again. She’s been around his family before, but never his mother.

Endy and Mike had already arrived at his place, and there were a bunch of friends she didn’t know the names of yet. Keeping conversations up and running proved to be more of a challenge than she expected it to be, with the impending nerves and anxiety settling deep within her body. Blake’s offered distraction came at the exact right time.

His grip was firm as he pulled her away from his friends, using a lame excuse that caused a few laughs from the people closest to him. Blake didn’t seem to mind at all, his arm tugging her with him into the kitchen. When he was sure they were out of view from his family and friends, he turned around and backed her slowly up against the fridge.

If it were any other moment, she would’ve considered the move something sexual, but right now she could tell it was meant as something entirely different.

“Baby.” Blake whispers softly, smiling gently down at her. “You’re being way too nervous about this and it’s freaking me out.”

She lets out a breathy chuckle, her hands sliding up his arms and resting on his biceps.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to psyche you out too.”

His hand runs up the side of her face, his palm sliding up the curve of her jaw.

“My mom will love you. She’s actually been quite mad at me for not introducing you sooner.”

“A lot happened.” Gwen replies softly. “She must understand that it wasn’t your first priority.”

“Ah, but you see—it was.”

Gwen frowns a bit, her hands still holding on to his arms.

“You don’t have to say that to make me feel better.”

“I’m not.” He shakes his head, his thumb rubbing slow circles on her cheek. “I’m saying that because it’s the truth. I’m saying it because I want the two most important women in my life to meet. That’s important to me.”

She tries not to tear up at his words, but the effort is futile.

“What if I’m just too different? What if she doesn’t like me?”

“Too different from what?” Blake asks, cocking his head.

She swallows, not exactly excited to go into that territory.

“I don’t know.” She whispers, avoiding his gaze. “Just…different.”

He squints his eyes at her, not letting her off the hook. “Tell me what you mean, Gwen.”

She lifts her head to meet his eyes again, biting her lip hard. “You know what I mean.”

He steps a little closer to her, her back now more tightly pressed against the silver of his fridge. No matter how many times she’d had him this close, it would always prove to be a challenge to _not_ get distracted by how it feels.

“My mom didn’t even get along with my ex-wife that greatly. She just wants me to be happy, Gwen. It’s gonna take her less than two seconds to figure out that’s what I am when I’m with you.”

Gwen smiles weakly, letting her head fall forward against his chest.

“Did she do this on purpose; telling us she was coming over only yesterday, giving us no time to prepare?”

Blake chuckles, his hand sliding onto her back. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t sound like something she wouldn’t do.”

Gwen laughs softly, closing her eyes.

“Thank you for pulling me aside just now. I love how you just knew I needed that.”

“I’d be a terrible boyfriend if I couldn’t gauge your anxiety levels going up.”

Blake using the word boyfriend is also still something that makes her heart flutter. It’s been over thirteen years since she’s been anyone’s girlfriend, and something about Blake’s accent makes the word sound even more appealing.

“You could’ve just ignored it.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “I would never just ignore it.”

She smiles, lifting her head off his chest in favour of standing on her tippy toes and planting a deep kiss on his lips. His arms slide across her lower back, pressing her more firmly into him when the doorbell interrupts the beginning of their make out. Gwen takes a deep breath as she lets go of Blake completely, a shy blush creeping up on her features.

Blake laughs lowly at the sight, winking at her for good measure.

“Are you ready?”

She nods, grabbing his hand. “I think so.”

She’s a bit taken aback by the woman’s enthusiasm when Blake opens the door, his hand letting go of hers momentarily to hug his mother properly. She’s too entranced by watching Blake and Dot together, that she completely misses the moment Endy shows up behind them. Gwen stands back for a little bit, letting the family affair play out in front of her before the older woman lets her eyes dart over to where she’s standing.

“Oh my god, you must be Gwen.” The Southern accent is almost stronger than Blake’s and she can’t help but smile. There’s no time for her to get any words in before she’s being wrapped up in the tightest hug. She can tell Blake’s amused by the moment, his smile reaching all the way to his eyes.

“You really are as gorgeous as he said you were.” His mother continues, pulling back from their hug while keeping her hands on both sides of Gwen’s arms. “You’re just the cutest thing.”

Gwen can feel her blush coming back, unable to stay neutral when being bombarded with compliments.

“Thank you, ma’am.”

“None of that nonsense.” She says determinedly, shaking her a little. “It’s either Dot or Mom—your choice.”

Gwen smiles, looking over to Blake quickly before nodding.

“Thank you, Dot.”

His mother’s smile is wide and it’s almost identical to Blake’s. “Much better.”

When they all migrate towards the living room, she can’t help but grasp Blake’s arm again, stopping him before joining the rest. She looks up at him as if she’s about to say something, but words suddenly seem to fail her. Luckily for her, Blake is ready to take over quickly.

“I told you she’d love you.”

Gwen looks at him a bit stunned, leaning into his side.

“I love you.”

He motions with his finger for her to lean up, kissing her sweetly. “I love you too. Will you please stop stressing now?”

“I sure am gonna try.” She retorts with a chuckle, letting go of his arm.

She’s grateful for everyone’s hospitality and the overall great mood of everyone there. It’s been weird for her to not only be away from her kids for the week, but to not even be in the same state as them. Blake had been super attentive and understanding about her mixed feelings about it and he’d been amazing at dealing with her emotional outbursts because of it. Being here with him had quickly become her refugee though, and it was almost magical how much being in Oklahoma helped her peace of mind.

It was good for her to see Blake surrounded by his family too; she remembered how shocked she was when Endy first told her that he’d been shutting his family out a bit, not thinking of Blake as the type to ever stray too far away from them. It was in that moment that she realized how much she still had to learn about him, and how there was a whole complex human being underneath that familiar masculine façade.

Today, there doesn’t seem to be a trace left of the man who didn’t want anything to do with his family. It makes her happy to know he’s finally in a place where he feels like he can stop running.

“How about we go get everyone some drinks?” That sweet Southern voice addresses her again, and Gwen’s face whisks around to look at the shorter woman.

The nerves she felt before his mother arrived suddenly come back at full force at the thought of being alone with the woman, but she swallows them down and nods sweetly.

“Of course!”

She looks back to find Blake’s gaze locking with hers, his brows frowning as he looks at the two women walking towards the kitchen. She shoots him a reassuring smile, knowing that if she looks too scared, he’ll probably follow them down in an attempt to calm her. Though that thought doesn’t sound bad at all, she knows this is something she needs to do alone.

“He looks so much better than he did six months ago.” Dot says gratefully, grabbing some glasses from the wooden cupboard.

Gwen smiles. “I think he feels better.”

His mother turns around to look at her, grabbing her hand in a sudden, unexpected move.

“Oh honey, I can guarantee you that he does.”

Gwen’s eyes well up, the sincerity in Dot’s voice enough to break her. His mother must sense the overload of emotions she’s feeling, because she looks at her sweetly before continuing.

“I don’t know all about your story, but I’m hoping that we get the chance to get to know each other better.”

Gwen nods. “I’m not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.”

“That’s good.” Dot affirms, still holding on to her hands. “Blake’s been through a lot. His whole life he’s always felt like he had to be the strong one. He has a hard time letting someone take care of him.”

Gwen recognizes Dot’s words all too well, nodding.

“I know. It’s all I want to do though.”

His mother’s features soften even more, her own eyes tearing up now too. “I just want him to be okay. I won’t give you this whole speech about how I think you should treat him fairly, cause you seem like a lovely girl. Just be careful with his heart, okay?”

Gwen looks down at where their hands are still holding each other. “I will.”

“And in return, don’t let him drive you crazy. I know my son; he’s the loveliest and most nurturing soul, but he has the tendency of pushing boundaries sometimes.”

Gwen chuckles. “I think we both know a thing or two about making a mess of things.”

Dot smiles reassuringly, squeezing her hand. “I’ve seen my son more in the months he’s been seeing you, than I have in the two years prior. You bring out the best in him—all you gotta do is focus on that, everything else is useless.”

“To be fair, I don’t know how much of that is my doing.”

“He called me a few weeks ago just to tell me how happy you make him. I’d say you have everything to do with it.”

Gwen’s heart skips a beat at hearing his mother’s words, as she bites her lip from getting overly emotional.

“Thank you for saying that.” Gwen whispers.

Dot’s hand cups her cheek briefly, the woman’s smile becoming one of the things that calms her the quickest. She follows his mother in filling up the glasses in front of her, grateful for the small distraction from the emotional conversation that was about to have her in tears.

“You have children, am I right?” Dot asks suddenly, smiling from where she’s pouring the last drink and puts them on a platter.

“Three boys.” Gwen nods. “They’re in California with their dad right now.”

“I’d love to meet them one day.” The older woman says enthusiastically, her eyes sparkling. “Blake has told me a lot about them.”

“He has?” Gwen asks surprised, still not used to a partner being this genuinely involved with her children; which is a sad thing as much as it thrills her now.

“He loves these kids, Gwen. I mean, I’m not surprised; he’s always wanted them.”

The words cause her to momentarily halt, but she recovers quickly.

“He’s great with them. It has always surprised me that he didn’t have children of his own.”

Something about Dot’s features becomes a bit more hooded, and it looks as if she’s contemplating sharing a particular personal story with her. Gwen waits it out patiently, not wanting to rush the woman or ruin her chances of hearing what she’s got to say.

“It’s one of the things he gave up for her.” Dot says eventually, shaking her head. “He gave up on so many hopes and dreams, I think it haunts him a bit now.”

Gwen frowns. “He never talks about it.”

“It hurts too much.” Dot replies, looking at her with a sad expression. “I don’t think he’ll ever admit to the extent of how much that woman has hurt him.”

She doesn’t know if it is the words or the tone of his mother’s voice that makes her heart shatter in a million pieces. She’s always known that Blake went through more than he let on about, but standing in front of the woman that put him on this earth, makes it all that much more real.

Gwen helps placing the glasses on the tray, smiling at the older woman.

“I haven’t known him that long, but I’ve always known he was special. I’m a lucky girl.”

Dot smiles at her genuinely, nudging her softly.

“And he’s a lucky man.” The words make Gwen look down at her hands, blushing slightly. “Just take care of each other, hun.”

Gwen nods, looking up when a low Southern voice demands their attention.

“Everything good in here?” Blake asks carefully, standing in the doorway with a big smile on his face.

She can’t help the way her heart still skips a beat whenever he’s near, and the way his mother smiles at him makes her fall in love twice as hard.

“Everything is more than okay.” Dot answers, looking over at Gwen. “Gwen’s been so nice to help me out in the kitchen.”

Blake smiles. “Anything I can do?”

“You could carry them out into the living room.” His mother replies, pushing the tray towards Blake and he takes the hint quickly, taking the beverages from his mother’s hand.

Gwen’s still a bit dazed from the conversation she had with his mom earlier, and she stands still for a while longer. Blake finds her gaze, locking their eyes. She smiles sweetly, letting her legs carry her over to where he’s standing.

“Are you okay?” Blake whispers, needing the reassurance.

She nods. “I’m great, cowboy.”

Dot walks past them in the next moment, her hand grazing Blake’s arm before leaning into him a bit and whispering to him briefly.

“You’ve got yourself a real winner there, baby boy.”

 

 

*

 

She’s grateful for Blake’s support when they come crashing into his bedroom. It’s clear that every single person in his inner circle can drink her under the table, and she should never try to keep up with them. She didn’t even realize she had this much to drink until she got up to greet everyone as they departed from Blake’s ranch. Her head started spinning immediately, her legs feeling a little unsteady.

Blake had smiled at her knowingly, his arm coming around her as soon as their guest had left. If she hadn’t felt so intoxicated suddenly, she might’ve spend more time with him downstairs, but she also couldn’t lie and say the prospect of snuggling up to him in their bed was a bad one. She washes her face and changes into her sleep attire, the sleep shorts she’s wearing not leaving much to the imagination and she knows it drives Blake crazy.

He’s already lying underneath the covers when she makes her way out of the bathroom, smiling at him.

“Was it as bad as you thought it would be?” Blake asks slowly, his eyes following her every step until she’s crawling next to him.

She shakes her head determinedly. “It was way better. They’re all so nice, Blake. And your mom is amazing.”

“I told you she’d love you.”

Gwen smiles, hiding her face in the crook of his neck. “I can see where you get your hospitality from, for sure.”

“No one can compare to my mom on that one.”

“That’s probably right.” Gwen laughs softly, her hand sliding up his chest until it’s lying flatly against his shoulder. She will never be able to explain how much she loves touching him.

His arm slides around her waist in return, resting on her back.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” He whispers, his hand starting to massage into her lower back. “It means a lot to me, you know? Seeing you make an effort with my family and friends.”

She looks up at him, tempted to ask more about the sudden layer of emotion coming from him, but she decides to not complicate what she knows is already a huge step for him.

“I’m happy you’re comfortable enough to introduce me to everyone.”

He frowns. “Of course I am. Everyone can see I’ve outkicked my coverage in every way.”

“Stop making me emotional when I’m already drunk, please.”

Blake laughs his signature belly laugh, squeezing her tighter. “You’re always emotional, darling.”

“I totally blame you for that.”

He turns his face far enough to be able to reach for hers and bring it up, aligning it just so he can lean down and place a hot kiss on her lips. Combined with the still slight buzz from the alcohol coursing through her veins, she’s burning up in no time. She pushes herself closer to him, wishing she could just melt into him completely. The hand on her back slides down to her ass, squeezing and chuckling when she lets out a moan against his mouth.

It shouldn’t be this easy for him every single time, but she can’t help herself. When his own arousal becomes apparent from where her leg is slid across his waist, she decides he doesn’t get to be the only tease this time. Pulling back just slightly, she retracts her leg from where she has it hooked around him and lets her hand wander from his shoulder to his chest.

He seems a bit disappointed that she broke their kiss, but the devilish smile on her face lets him know she’s on to something. She kisses the side of his face to distract him from the way her hand slides lower, until it’s sliding past the waistband of his boxers.

“Gwen.” He almost chokes out, meeting her gaze in an exceptional erotically charged moment. She eases the tips of her fingers under the elastic of his boxers, drawing a tortured groan from his lips.

“Let me show you how _thankful_ I am for your support tonight.” She whispers softly against the side of his face, knowing the feeling of her hot breath on his face makes him even more desperate for her touch. She shushes his protest when her fingers wrap around him confidently.

Her thumb swipes over his swollen head on her next stroke, catching the drop of moisture that’s formed and dragging another low moan from his lips. She can’t hide the pride in her smile, loving being the one to render Blake to this version of himself.

“Fuck Gwen, don’t stop.”

She finds his eyes flicking between her face and her hand, before he just gives up on watching and lets his head fall back to the pillow.

“Tell me how you want it.”

The truth is, she knows exactly how he wants it, how he likes it, and he knows it. She also knows that his pride will make him try to answer her, even in this state. Before he can usher any words though, she uses a particularly wicked twist of her hand that his hips bucking right up into her hand.

He’s almost panting after that, and it blurs into one long, hazy moment of slick strokes and twists of her hand. He’s entirely at her mercy now, and she can’t deny the arousal pooling between her own thighs at the sight. His fingers wrap loosely around her wrist then, and there’s something exhilarating about the knowledge that he’s not guiding her—he just needs more of her touch to guide him through the pleasure she’s bringing alive in him.

“Does that feel good, baby?”

He grunts, closing his eyes. “ _Fuck_.”

She feels a little light-headed herself as his orgasm builds, but the moment his release hits, she finds her eyes locked with him in a moment so intense that _she_ almost sees stars. The hot and sticky evidence of his release coats her hand, and his breathing is loud against the otherwise silent room.

“Jesus Christ, Gwen.” He pants, his eyes slightly hazy as he gazes down at her.

She licks her lips. “That was hot.”

He throws her his shirt that was lying next to the bed, letting her clean her hands before pulling her into him eagerly. In an unexpected moment, he flips her on her back and hovers above her, bracing his weight on his biceps on either side of her head. “You’ve seen nothing yet, baby.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This story is getting closer to its end, which some of you might've already caught on to. I just want to thank everyone who still reads a word I write, it means the world! I hope these last three chapters give a worthy ending to a story you've all been so supportive of <3

She wants to cry when her feet cross her Los Angeles doorstep, the reality finally setting in. After their little fight back in Oklahoma, they’d managed to have four unforgettable days there, regardless. She’d completely forgotten what it had been like to have a partner to not just share the troubles with, but also the good times.

She thinks about how he’d woke her up the day after his mom visited, breakfast in bed and two rounds of morning sex all before she’d even set a step outside of his Queen-size. They’d spent the rest of the time floating on the lake and hanging around the bonfire, and it had been nothing short of incredible. It was exactly what they both needed after the stressful times they’d endured. She’s always excited to have her children back home, but there was an undeniable dark cloud hanging over her as they departed from the Oklahoma runway, into the sky, all the way until they touched down in California. Blake had tried his best to distract her from coming home to all her responsibilities and she’s grateful that he was able to come with her this time. Having Blake in California for a week is one of the two things that still makes her smile; alongside with the thought of her children arriving any second now.

Blake’s right behind her as she lets the keys clatter on the kitchen counter, his arms wrapping around her midsection. She smiles at his affection, leaning her head back against his chest.

“Hmm, I’m so glad you’re here.” She smiles, lifting her head up from where it’s laid against his heart.

His bright blue eyes look up at her intensely, the way his arms fit around her waist something she’ll never take for granted. It makes her feel beyond wanted to be pressed against him like this, and she smiles because he knows it.

“So am I, darling. I told you I would be coming with you.”

She nods. “I know. Sometimes it’s out of our hands though, things happen.”

She can’t even count the times her ex-husband had made promises to fly out to somewhere to be with her, and then cancelled on her last minute. She never paid it too much mind, knowing the life they both chose to live, and the industry being anything but reliable. She hates how long it took her to realize it wasn’t the music industry that was being the source of unreliability in her relationship. With Blake’s arms around her, all those insecurities slowly but surely start evaporating.

“I was thinking maybe you, the kids and I could go out tonight. One last celebration before the weekend ends.”

She turns herself around in his arms, pressing her chest against his. Her arms slide around his neck, smiling up at him.

“Blake, you know they’re completely fine with you being here, right?”

“I know.” He replies less than convincing. “I just thought we could do something fun.”

“You’re too good to us, Blake. You’ve been that ever since becoming our neighbour at the Lake House and nothing has changed in that regard. They’re lucky to have you.”

No matter how much she loves Blake’s idea, she can’t go without reassuring him the best way she knows how. It’s not that often Blake lets his insecurities shine through, and if she weren’t so in tune with him, she probably would’ve missed the flicker in his eyes as he spoke the words just now. There was something more meaningful behind those bright blue eyes, something she just couldn’t ignore.

“Thank you for saying that, sweetheart.” He leans down to press a kiss to her lips, the motion not screaming passion, but it does scream gratitude.

It’s exactly what she needs to realize her message has been delivered.

“As for your idea, I’d love to and I’m sure the kids will be crazy excited.”

Blake’s smile creeps back to his lips, his arms tightening around her.

“I’ve missed them, you know?”

Her heart skips a beat at his confession, though it’s not surprising at all. The relationship he started to build with them months ago had only intensified, and there was a bond there she still has a hard time wrapping her head around.

“I know you did.” She says roughly, her voice breaking due to the emotion. “God, to think I used to be nervous about having you around them too much.”

Blake chuckles a bit nervously. “I used to be nervous about that never changing.”

She looks at him a bit sympathetically, before laughing softly.

“I’m sorry, cowboy. I always was honest about my damage.”

“Hey.” He nudges her, leaning down again, this time lingering a bit when he kisses her, pulling away before he’d be tempted to deepen it. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

She smiles, leaning her head against his chest again. She hadn’t unpacked a single bag yet, nor did they get as far as taking off their shoes, but she doesn’t care about any of it. She needs him, and she needs his closeness. They both know their peace and quiet will be over sooner rather than later, having three boys running around leaving for zero calmness.

“I wish we could just take the kids and go back to Oklahoma.” She whispers.

“I wish we could do that too, darling.”

She smiles at the use of pet name, still not used to his everlasting affection; both physically and mentally. She’s about to initiate a quick make out when the buzzer of her gate interrupts the moment. Her sigh is loud against his lips and he chuckles in return.

“Gotta save this for later tonight, honey.”

His low voice makes her want to jump him right there and she grunts in frustration. She moves to open the gates, excited for the moment her boys will run back in her arms and dreading having to face _him_ again.

Blake’s been through the whole thing a bunch of times now, and he always stays back for this part. He’s active with the kids from the moment they arrive though and he’s always equally as excited to see them again. The interaction between him and Gavin is at a minimal, usually zero as Blake stays back in the kitchen or living room. It’s not that she doesn’t trust him to be there, and she knows that if she says the words, Blake will be next to her every step of the way. It’s just an agreement they came to together, as it’s better for the kids this way.

Her smile gets as wide as it can get at the sight of her babies jumping out of their dad’s car, their thrilled voices piercing through the driveway. Her heart swells up when she hugs them again, the whole thing making her forget about Gavin’s presence entirely. Apollo is asleep in his dad’s arms, his little body laying limp against his shoulder. She bites her lip as she contemplates her next move, but Gavin beats her to it.

“Let me just put him in his bed upstairs. He’ll wake up if you take him from me.”

Her hands were already reaching for her youngest baby, and she’s not excited about the prospect of having him in her house at all.

“Gavin, I can— “

“He’s been fidgety and cranky all weekend.” Gavin buts in, shaking his head. “Plus it will give me a few more minutes to say goodbye.”

He knows that’s her weak spot and she cusses at him internally. She can’t exactly take that away from him, so she nods in a bit of defeat.

“Okay.” She sighs, holding the door open for him to walk through.

She follows her kids inside, smiling when she realizes they’ve found Blake sitting on the couch. He’s getting bombarded with hugs from both Zuma and Kingston, their laughter and joy hard to miss from where she’s standing in the doorway. There’s a slight moment of panic as Gavin walks passed to head upstairs, his eyes locking with Blake’s for one tense moment. Luckily for her, he asscends the stairs rather quickly, ignoring Blake’s presence for now.

She shoots Blake a small smile, walking up to them on the couch.

“Go put your bags upstairs babies and say goodbye to your dad.”

She grimaces when they all make sounds of protest, her momentarily taking them away from Blake not making her the most popular person right now. They eventually walk off, listening to her with the utmost annoyance and she shakes her head.

“Imagine what they’re gonna be like as teenagers.”

Blake laughs. “Oh baby, you’re gonna have your hands full.”

“Let’s just hope they’re not gonna be like _you_ when you were a teenager.”

Blake lets a faux-offensive look colour his features, his arm hooking around her waist.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

She smirks. “That you were a handful.”

“Some people might argue that I still am.”

“Some people _might_ be right.” She shoots back playfully, winking at him in a promise of what’s to come; a formal apology later at night.

She moves out of his arms at the sound of Gavin making his way downstairs, looking down at Blake still seated on the couch.

“He’s out like a light.” Gavin speaks confidently, walking into the living room and stopping at a safe distance from the couch.

Gwen nods. “That’s great, thank you. Did the kids say goodbye to you?”

“They did.” He replies, his gaze intense as he keeps it locked on Gwen, avoiding Blake at all costs. “Talking about the kids, do you think it’s a good idea to be going out of the state while they’re here?”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her legs carrying her a bit closer to him, hoping to have this conversation as far away from Blake as possible, though she knows that’ll be impossible.

“What are you talking about?" She shakes her head in surprise, though she really shouldn't be too shocked about him bringing up her getaways to Oklahoma. "They were with you.”

“Yeah, but what if something happens? You’re gonna be spending a whole day just to get here—it just doesn’t seem responsible.”

“What about when you were on tour when I had them? Or when I’ve had shows and you’ve looked after them? We’ve been out of the state plenty of times while one of us stayed with them, and you’ve never had a problem with that before…”

Gavin looks unimpressed with her reading of him, and his arrogance is almost admirable.

“You would think that after your boyfriend getting into an accident, you’d be a bit more aware of the risks of not being there when something bad happens.”

“Hey, don’t you dare use my situation as a way to put her down.” Blake’s voice is firm and angry, his eyes throwing daggers at her ex-husband. “We both know Gwen is the most responsible mom; don’t you dare pull that shit.”

Ready to defuse this and get Gavin out of her house, Gwen steps in.

“This is ridiculous, Gavin, you need to go. If you seriously have concerns about this we can talk about it later, when the kids _aren’t_ here, preferably via text.”

Gavin’s gaze moves towards the stairs, both of them sighing in relief when there’s no trace of the children yet. She’s grateful when he finally makes a move to leave.

“Nice to see you again, Blake.” His British accent snarls sarcastically, his eye roll basically taking over his whole face. “Always a pleasure.”

She can hear the sigh coming from Blake, but she’s glad when he decides to let it go, and instead lets his body lean back into couch cushions. Gavin chuckles bitterly when he realizes he’s being ignored and Gwen almost slams the door closed behind him when he finally walks out. It’s crazy how less than a year ago, she’d crave for him to come home, while the sound of his car driving _out_ of her driveway now is the prettiest.

She walks back into the living room, finding Blake walking towards her already. Her hands slide up his chest, her stare an apologetic one.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, feeling herself getting worked up.

“You have nothing to be sorry about.” He replies swiftly, his hand moving towards her waist. “He’s got some fucking nerve though, trying to imply what he just did.”

“He always does this; he’s just messing with us.”

Blake bites his lip hard. “I wanted to freaking punch him.”

“I think we’ve established that there wouldn’t be any more punching…”

“That’s why I refrained myself. I’m just saying, he deserved it.”

She chuckles, nodding. “He did.”

She can tell there’s still a bit of tension left in Blake, the whole situation having him worked up as well. He always gets protective over her, especially when it comes to Gavin, and she’s come to find that one his many endearing qualities. She’s glad to see a soft smile coming to his face though, easing some of the tension away.

“Do you still wanna go out with the kids?” She asks softly, her hands still resting on his chest.

“Of course.” He says excitedly, a sparkle coming back to his eyes.

“Apollo is sleeping now, but we can wake him in about an hour. If we do it now, he’ll just be cranky the whole time.”

Blake nods, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.

“Whenever they’re ready.”

 

*

 

Taking the kids to the movies always proves to be a bit of a challenge, none of her boys exactly keen on staying in one place. Most times it would consist of her trying to locate all their whereabouts, while holding tightly onto Apollo’s hand to keep him from sprinting off somewhere. It’s nice to have Blake there, since the kids seem to listen to him much better. It also helps that he’s actually interested in being a father figure to them in some way; he’s not just here to teach them how to fish and have bonfires. He’s also here for the tough conversations and late night comforting that's an occurrence sometimes.

Arriving at the movie theatre, Blake had immediately volunteered to go get the tickets and take all the boys with him. That way, Gwen didn’t have to worry about the paparazzi taking pictures of the kids. It’s crazy how in the beginning, she worried about Blake hanging out with her children and now it’s the easiest thing to send them off with him. She shakes her head when she hears the flashing sound of cameras going off somewhere, apparently being spotted already. She’s extra grateful for Blake’s quick thinking, when he took them all inside before she’d even parked her car. It’s frustrating sometimes to have to think about these things, wishing she could just hold Blake’s hand while walking inside the movie theatre with her kids like a normal person, but she’s always quick to remind herself of all the blessings she gets in return.

Walking towards the entrance of the theatre, she can spot Blake’s tall figure immediately. She laughs softly when she sees all her boys standing next to him, without Blake even having to keep an eye on them—though she knows he undoubtedly has. She smiles when Blake turns around and catches her gaze, always knowing exactly when she’s close.

“Got the tickets?”

Her hand smoothly slides across his back, finding the hem of his shirt and touching a small strip of bare skin underneath it.

“All here, baby.”

“Mom, Blake said I could sit next to him during the movie.” Kingston says quickly, having learned quickly that he needs to call dibs on it early.

“He did, huh?” Gwen winks, shaking her head. “Lucky you, just promise me you’ll behave and listen to Blake.”

She knows they're just going to see a movie, but she’s been their mom long enough to know that she should never underestimate their ability to turn any situation into something chaotic. Some would say that’s something they have in common with her, and she’s past the point of denying it. She just hopes Blake keeps having the energy to put up with it.

“We should probably get going, darling. I bought the tickets for 8:50, because I didn’t know if the next one was going to be too late for Pollo? He was already a bit fuzzy before we left.”

Blake speaks the words soft enough for only her to hear, and she fights the urge to pull him in for a deep kiss right after. She loves when he takes his parenting role so seriously, especially since she knows he’s been having some insecurities about that. She wishes she could somehow show him how good he is at the whole thing; his instincts always right when it comes to her three boys.

“You’re right.” Gwen replies sweetly, grabbing his hand. “This one is perfect.”

She can tell he’s relieved and she realizes he must’ve panicked a little bit when she told him it was up to him. They didn’t pick a time before they left, since there were two movies her kids could choose from and they were too indecisive to make the decision themselves. When Blake offered to take the children inside, she didn’t even realize she automatically made him in charge of the decision. Things like that are so second nature to her, she doesn’t even think twice about it anymore. It’s a bit of an adjustment to realize Blake is doing most of this for the first time.

“Can we get popcorn?” Zuma asks, giving his mom his best puppy dog eyes.

Blake laughs at the blatant act, keeping quiet as he lets this one be up to Gwen.

“It wouldn’t quite be the right movie experience without it, would it?” She smiles.

“Candy!” Apollo shouts, his legs already carrying him over to the trays of sweets. Gwen’s arm reaches out just in time to stop him, pulling him towards her gently. “No candy this time. I think you guys have had enough sugar for one day.”

The groans from her kids is audible to say the least, but she doesn’t let it deter her. Her mouth drops open in both astonishment and amusement when Zuma and Apollo both turn their heads towards Blake next.

“Blake, can we get candy?”

The question obviously surprises Blake too, the smile on his face undeniable though.

“Sorry bud, I think your mom was pretty clear just now.”

“You’re supposed to be on our side, you know?” Kingston interjects, looking at him with a pout. “You're one of us.”

Gwen stifles a laugh, torn between being amused by this interaction while also feeling slightly frustrated by them disregarding her answer. Blake's beaming smile makes up for it though.

“I don’t really think that’s how it works.” Blake chuckles, ruffling Apollo’s hair gently. “When it comes to picking sides, I’m afraid I’ll always pick your mom’s.”

The loud gagging noises are expected, and they both laugh at the children’s disgust. Despite what must be a disappointing answer for them, it seems to work because the questions stop abruptly and before she knows it, they’re all enjoying their medium size popcorn. Gwen finds her way back to Blake’s side again, her hand once again finding his and squeezing.

“Thank you for having my back, cowboy.”

His head turns to face her, his eyes almost portraying surprise to hear her utter a thank you.

“Trust me pretty girl, when it comes to that regard, you have zero competition.”

Though she can’t sit next to her cowboy for the duration of the movie, she spends the next hour and a half feeling absolutely giddy over the fact they’re all here. It’s like Blake gets more comfortable with his newfound role every day and seeing him get along with her kids like this, makes her fall in love with him even more. When the credits start to roll, Blake leads them all towards the exit, helping them buckle up into the car before taking the keys from Gwen, indicating he’ll drive. She’s been feeling incredibly tired all day, so the gesture doesn’t come at all unwanted. He’s been driving way more lately, something he told her he wouldn’t do here in LA. Seems like there were a bunch of things he never saw himself doing until now.

When they arrive back at the house, Apollo is already asleep and hanging limp in her arms. Zuma is off in his own world, while Kingston is the one to cling to Blake’s side the most tonight. Walking in front of them, she can’t catch the whole conversation, but she spits her ears to the best of her abilities.

“Are you gonna stay with us longer this time?” Kingston asks, his voice a mixture between hope and confusion; Blake’s schedule not easy to keep track of.

“That depends. Would you want me to?”

She can tell Blake is trying to gauge King’s stance about the whole thing, his voice holding a bit of caution as he carefully threads the subject.

“You’re usually only here for a couple of days and when you film, we barely see you.” The young boy replies, before adding to his sentence innocently. “I think mom would really like it too if you stayed a few more days.”

Tears spring to her eyes as she hears her oldest talk to Blake, not understanding what she did so right in her life to deserve these three boys she’s been blessed with.

Blake smiles. “I feel very lucky about getting to spend time with you guys. If it’s okay with all of you, I would love to stay a bit longer.”

“Mom obviously thinks it’s okay; she loves you.”

Gwen turns around, a sleepy Apollo still in her arms, as her gaze locks with Blake’s. She can tell he’s a bit touched by the sincere conversation he’s having with the boy, and she smiles sweetly. She gestures for the stairs, letting him know without words that she’ll be upstairs for a bit, getting her youngest to bed. Blake nods, and though she feels slightly weird about leaving him alone with Kingston right now, she also knows that it’s exactly what they need; what Blake needs to realize he’s beyond wanted by the whole household.

“How do you feel about that, King?” Blake asks softly, his hand squeezing the boy’s small shoulder. “I can understand if it’s a bit weird for you and your brothers.”

Kingston contemplates Blake’s question for a while before answering, the reply coming in the form of a quick shrug and a shake of his head.

“It used to be a bit weird, but it’s not anymore.” He says firmly, a warm welcome pooling in Kingston’s brown eyes. “Mom is much happier when you’re around and we all like it too.”

He didn’t intent on having an emotional conversation with him tonight, but he seems to just have rolled into it. There’s no denying the magnitude of feelings that resurface at Kingston’s words. When the young boy initiates a hug and holds on to him tightly, it’s like every natural instinct within him gets activated.

“I love you, Blake.”

The words are spoken softly, almost like a passing of breath, but Blake hears it like it was just shouted into his ear. For a moment, he thinks he might start crying, but he swallows down the lump in his throat and squeezes him a little tighter before letting him go.

“Love you too, buddy.”

Just as fast as the moment started, it seems to have ended, but the words keep replaying themselves in his brain. By the time Gwen has put all the boys to bed, Blake finds himself sitting at the kitchen counter, smiling when her arms encircle him from behind.

“I’ve missed you.” She murmurs against his back, smiling.

He turns around, stepping in front of her while his arms pull her closer.

“It’s been less than twenty minutes, darling.”

“What’s your point?” She deadpans.

“You must _really_ like me, then.”

Her smile is threatening to split her face in two, but she doesn’t care. It’s been so long since she’s felt this inhibited happiness; the kind that spreads from her stomach all the way to her limbs.

“Didn’t you hear my son earlier? I love you.”

His hand weaves gently through her hair, causing her head to lean into his touch. She’s tempted to pull herself flush against his body and pull him in for a kiss, but something tells her there’s something on his mind. He proves her right the next second.

“Kingston just told me he loved me.”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her body freezing against him.

“What? When?”

“When you were upstairs. He kind of just…. said it. I don’t know, I didn’t prompt it or anything. He just hugged me and then he told me. Quite casually, actually.”

Gwen’s hands hold on to his waist, her eyes watering before a smile paints its way back onto her lips.

“Blake, oh my god!” She bites her lip, overthrown with emotion. “I mean, it’s not super surprising, the kids have literally been crazy about you from the start but wow…I’ve never actually heard him say it like that before.”

“Me neither.” Blake chuckles. “It’s crazy, because I always kind of thought that I lost my shot to have a family of my own, you know? All four of you show me every day how wrong I was to think that.”

Gwen can’t help but tear up at his words, his finger softly wiping a tear from her cheek. She settles back against his chest, letting her fingers comb through his curls. Everything about this man is too good to be true, and this whole night has shown her as much.

“Kiss me.” She whispers, her teeth biting down on her bottom lip.

He grins, capturing her lips swiftly. She deepens the kiss immediately, not stopping until she hears him groan into her mouth.

“Holy shit, Gwen.” He whispers against her lips, his voice already starting to get gravely.

“I think you need to take me upstairs.”

His brows raise knowingly, a devilish smile on his lips.

He hums. “Is that so?”

She nods, pulling him in for another kiss. She lets it pick up in intensity for a while, sucking and licking filthily at his mouth. By the time they pull back, he’s slightly out of breath.

“Did that answer your question, cowboy?”

Instead of replying to her, he lifts her up determinedly and shushes her playfully when she starts to giggle. Blake nips at her earlobe and neck while walking her up the stairs, closing the door behind them with his foot once they get to the bedroom. Clothes are getting shed in record time, and she chuckles when her nails dig into his ass, causing him to release a sharp breath. She knows neither one will last very long tonight, but the way he slowly teases her clit with his hand and eases his way into her when she’s beyond ready, makes it all worth it. His thrusts are deep and relentless, whispering encouragements in her ear while she clings to him. He always feels so good inside of her and she needs his kisses to swallow the moans that slip past her lips continuously now. She can tell he’s going for the kill when he spreads her legs even wider for him and plunges in even deeper, his voice a husky sound when he tells her to let go. She detonates only seconds later, shattering in the safety of his arms. She holds him just as tightly in return when he finally lets go, enjoying the way his hips stutter into her.

After they both come down, he wraps her up in his arms and she lets her arm snake across his stomach. Between the way he made her feel just now and the whole evening that played out before this, she feels herself getting emotional again. Blake doesn’t seem surprise to feel her shake a little and she smiles when he places a soft kiss against her temple. He doesn’t need to speak any words for her to know he feels it too, and instead they hold on to each other all through the night. 

She hopes he knows he can have them all.


	21. Chapter 21

_Five months later._

 

The headlines had been scary to say the least.

_Hollywood romance destroying Blake’s career._

_Gwen Stefani hurting Blake’s chances of getting nominated._

_The PR stunt that will ruin the country music star._

She knows better than to believe what’s being said in the media, and she’s been around long enough to know these things will be said about anything and anyone, but when the award season came around and Blake indeed got zero…she couldn’t help the doubts and anxieties forming in her mind.

Blake had spent most of the week in Oklahoma, and she was glad that he did. He needed a break from filming almost as much as he needed one from LA. She hated not having him here, selfishly. Being alone, with her kids off to their dad’s and her mind running wild with negative scenarios, all she feels like she needs is to be wrapped up in his arms, reminded of why this is the best decision she’s ever made.

Instead, she finds herself pacing around her huge house, fighting back tears. She tried at writing a little bit, knowing she needs to stay away from her phone. She can’t trust herself with not reading what people are saying, feeling like the whole word had suddenly turned against her. Having millions of people doubt her character was one thing, but she can’t even function normally with the thought of Blake following suit.

She had no idea where the day had gone, but she’s still in her feelings by the time the sky had taken on a darker shade, night-time officially falling onto the crowded city below. She tries at taking a nice, long shower. Usually that would be enough to relax her body a little bit, but the shimmers of fear and insecurities remain confidently present in her mind and settle like tension points in her body.

The room fills with the scent of strawberry moisturizer when she applies it, and she decides to put on one of Blake’s shirt afterwards.

He’d smiled at her sweetly when she’d stolen it, and she’d blushed when he told her it looked better on her than it would ever look on him. Wearing his shirts whenever he’s not around, has become somewhat of a tradition now, his smell still lingering on them and making her just a little less homesick for his arms.

The sound of her doorbell buzzing pauses her steps, frowning to herself. She didn’t expect any visitors, especially not from the handful of people who knew the code to her gates. Her heart skips a beat when she thinks of the most obvious person, and she checks her phone that’s lying untouched on her nightstand.

**Open your door, pretty girl.**

Posture is completely forgotten about as she all but runs down the stairs, still not wearing anything but his shirt, and her wet hair not even brushed yet, lying flatly across her shoulder. A few months ago, she still felt a bit awkward about facing him without make-up, but none of that is a problem anymore. The way his face would light up anytime she decided to be bare faced around him has healed her in so many ways; his admiration for her was always so clear, and that look in his eyes that showed her he viewed her as the most gorgeous woman on this planet no matter what, had been much like a physical caress.

She opens her front door with a vengeance, her eyes immediately watering at the sight of his tall frame standing on her doorstep. She shakes her head to try and keep them in, but the moment he steps inside and pulls her against his chest, she’s a goner. She didn’t mean to start crying, especially not the minute he got her in his arms, but she’d just missed him too much. He luckily doesn’t seem to mind and his arms are strong as ever as they wrap her up entirely. Her arms are wrapped around his waist in return, and her chin is pressing against his chest when she looks up at him.

“I thought you were supposed to be in Oklahoma for two more days.” She whispers.

“I felt like showing up a bit earlier, maybe catch a few of your rehearsals.”

She feels herself getting emotional again, the anxiety and fear setting in all the sudden too. She buries herself into the cove of his body, exhaling when he pulls her closer, his mouth pressing kisses into her hair.

“You don’t know how badly I needed you to be here.” She sniffs.

“I think I have a pretty good idea, darling.”

She shakes her head. “No, I’ve been feeling so weird lately, and you’re the only person who can calm me down when I get like this. I _need_ you.”

Without being able to see his expression, she can feel his worry radiating off him. He pulls back slightly, his hand cupping her face gently.

“Are you okay, baby?”

The softness in his eyes makes her smile a bit, despite her heavy heart.

“I just need to be with you. I’ll be fine.”

Blake frowns at her, obviously wanting to talk more, but right now there’s nothing she wants to do _less_ than talk. She shakes her head, using the arm that’s still around his neck to urge his face closer.

“Gwen, sweetheart...”

She pulls out of his grasp slowly, his eyes zoning in on her body that’s currently only shielded from his view by _his_ shirt, and she knows it’s driving him nuts. She feels bad for using his weakness against him in this moment, but she also knows that Blake won’t let it go—even if he gives her this first, and it makes her love him even more.

She bites her lip, looking down at his too large t-shirt hanging loosely on her body.

“I thought you’d might wanna take advantage of the fact I’m wearing exactly _nothing_ underneath your shirt, right now.”

“Damnit, Gwen.” He grunts, taking two large steps to be right back in front of her, his right arm hooking around her back and pulling her back into his personal space.

“Make love to me.” She whispers, desperation and arousal mounting in unison.

Blake’s arms move quickly then, hoisting her up until both her legs hook around his waist, her giggle accompanying them as they walk upstairs. Her mouth seeks out the crook of his neck, nibbling and licking against the skin there and Blake’s little grunts only intensify her need for him.

He lays her down gently, crawling on top of her before she can think about asking him. Her hands pull at his shirt until she’s got it over his head and tossed to the side, his jeans and boxers disregarded soon after. She doesn’t want to wait this time, she doesn’t want him to tease her to oblivion, she just needs to feel him inside her. Blake seems to catch onto her mood quickly, letting his need for teasing go this time. His hand flicks some of her hair out of her face, wanting to see her expressions clearly for this. She moans brokenly at the intrusion, feeling him push past her muscles agonizingly slow.

Her heart swells, the flickers of pain in her heart and mind for a moment forgotten.

Needing a bit more control, she uses her thigh muscles to flip them over, gasping when instead of lying down, Blake actually sits up, allowing himself to go even deeper. Her arms are swung around the back of his neck, his hands placed on either side of her hips. She tries to keep a steady rhythm going, but the way Blake helps grinding her hips into him has her stuttering in no time.

“Oh god, Blake.”

His fingertips dig into her flesh, controlling her rhythm, helping her where she’s bound to falter. One of his hands moves to the nape of her neck, a warm weight that anchors her and keeps her from sinking below the surface for just a little while longer.

“You feel so good, baby. You’re so good to me.”

She lets her head lean into the crook of his neck, moaning softly against his skin. Between the dirty gyration of her hips and his sweet words in her ear, she’s trembling inside the confinements of his arms.

“Baby, please. I’m not gonna last long.”

“’S okay.” He murmurs against her ear, splashing pleasure through her insides with every slick thrust of his hips.

Her hips quiver, rocking into him harder. She cranes her neck to steal his mouth, prolong the overwhelming urge to shatter from the sensation. His fingers fist in her hair as he kisses her back, but his lips only glace over hers before he coasts his mouth along her jaw.

She wants to bury her face back into the crook of his neck, but his hand keeps her face up this time, giving himself enough room to roam her skin with the gentle but persistent flick of his tongue.

“Blake, please…” She begs, not caring about how breathy and soft she sounds, how needy. “I need to come, please.”

His mouth falls away from her skin, his hands guiding her hips again and plunging even deeper inside of her. He somehow hits it just right—like always—and she finally succumbs to the immense pleasure she feels. Moans and whimpers are the only sounds she knows how to produce, and Blake holds her so deliciously tight through it all, she doesn’t want this moment to ever end. Blake snaps his lower body up twice more before sinking to the bottom of the deep end with her, spilling hot and fast inside her.

“You’re amazing.” He sighs, voice drunk with sex and dreaminess.

Her lips spread into a grin against his cheek, a shy smile that he only gets from her. It’s the same smile he gets from her when he declares his love for her.

Blake’s hand strokes up and down her back, the other one combing through the strands of her hair. Her heart rate has calmed, her breathing steadily expelling against the side of his face. She loves how he’s always content with remaining close to her after they have sex, holding her like he doesn’t know what space means. It’s exactly what she needs to feel the pieces of her mind come together again, making her feel slightly more stable.

Her spine stretches, her head lifting as her lips dust at his forehead. She can see his lips curve up into a smile when he’s faced with her again.

“I love you.” She whispers, a silent but known admission.

Her fingers touch his skin, her fingertips kissing his chin ever so gently. Her nails scratch lightly at the stubble there, tracing them down to the pillar of his throat.

“I love you too, darling.” He whispers like it’s still a secret.

In a way, it will forever feel like hearing it for the first time. She still feels the fluttering through her chest like she did that first time hearing it, and the urge to slam her lips against him as if she didn’t just spend the last twenty minutes kissing and moaning around him.

“I’ll literally never get tired of this.” She muses, her body still intimately intertwined with his, making her want to bare her soul as bare as the skin exposed to him. “You won’t get tired of this, right?”

Still a bit sex-dazed, he doesn’t pick up on the meaning as fast as he usually would. “You mean the sex?”

She shakes her head, chuckling softly. “No, not the sex.”

“Good, because that would definitely be a hell no.”

Blake cradles the back of her head in his palm, caressing the tender spot behind her ear with his thumb. He feathers a kiss over her lips that is barely there, but still succeeds in triggering those soft sparks of electricity.

“I read some things online.” She whispers against his lips, her finger tracing the line of his jaw.

“What kind of things?” He asks.

She nips at his cheek, pressing nose against his skin, wishing she could just stay there and not talk about any of this.

“The lack of nominations this year.”

She feels his chuckle vibrate through his body. “You wanted to go that bad?”

“No, but you deserved to be there, Blake.” She says softly, trying to gauge his reaction to her words without leaving the spot against his cheek. “I don’t want you to resent me.”

“Why would I resent you?” He asks genuinely confused, and if she weren’t so nervous to bring it up in the first place, she probably would’ve found his slowness in this moment endearing.

“Because you’re dating a LA girl who doesn’t knows the last thing about country music. Because people somehow take that as you losing some of your…I don’t know, genuineness?”

He scoffs, moving his head away from where she’s still pressing kisses against his cheek, forcing her head up.

“Baby, that’s ridiculous.”

Her face drops for a second, immediately thinking back to all the times her ex-husband used to make her feel crazy for her feelings.

“Hey, no, I didn’t mean it like that.” Blake follows up quickly, his slow daze finally having worn off. “You have nothing to do with why they decided to snub me this time. Even if you had, I’d say that’s a damn good deal.”

“Blake…”

“I think I’ve realized that awards mean way more when that’s all you’ve got going for you.” He continues, smiling softly. “I finally have something real to live for, you know? I couldn’t care less about these nominations, to be honest. Coming home a few days early to come see you, that’s the happiest I’ve felt in days. That’s what matters to me now. No amount of awards could ever compete with this.”

She chuckles through her tears when he catches her bottom lip between his teeth, nipping at it gently before releasing it.

“I’m sorry for getting so anxious about this.” She says, smiling into the brush of his lips. “It’s just been a crazy few days, with rehearsals starting and trying to get in that headspace, and then reading these stories about you and me...”

“It’s a lot.” He nods, his thumb stroking her cheek. “I’m always gonna be here to bring you back from that dark place in your mind.”

She sinks into the embrace of him even more, and she’s losing track of where she ends and he begins. It’s the most personal, most intimate thing she’s ever felt and she can’t even begin to fathom how she managed to find this during this time in her life. Blake’s truly a miracle in every sense of the word, restoring her faith in love and life with every soft touch and every gentle word spoken to her.

“You really do.”

Gwen’s smile grows as she drapes her hand at his chest, over his heart, then down to his stomach.

His brow arches. “Whatcha doing, baby girl?”

“I just realized I’m not quite done with you.”

She pushes him down to the bed until his back hits the matrass and she follows him down with a soft giggle.

“What do you have in mind?” Blake quips, playing dumb.

She moves her index finger over his lips, shushing him, her eyes sparkling with something other than tears now.

“It doesn’t involve much talking, that’s for sure.”

 

 

*

 

The rehearsal space has cleared out for the most part, and it’s becoming even more real to her now. She’s done countless shows over the span of her career, but none of them have felt this unfamiliar before. Somehow she’s always managed to turn her dark days in love into magic on stage, but she’s never put out something so timely before. She’s never put out anything so strangely unexpected before. Somehow the turmoil of her marriage exploding turned out to be the beginning of her album, but didn’t end up being the whole project. She’d remembered the weird looks she got when her songs started being more upbeat, more uplifting than angry, more adorable than devastating.

Going on tour had been something she’d been putting off for a while, even with No Doubt, she’d felt like staying home with her children and being a full-time mom was more rewarding. She always knew her life at some point had to slow down a bit, and she’d gotten to terms with slowing things down career wise to focus on what really mattered. It had been exceptionally shocking and rewarding to see the way her new music was received. People had been open to hearing about her life still, and when her team announced a tour and she realized fans were still excited about showing up, she knew she had to shift her earlier plans.

Standing in the vacated rehearsal room, she’s suddenly hit with doubts. What if she just doesn’t have it the way she used to? What if her ex-husband was right and she’s just a bit washed up now? She closes her eyes, putting the bottle of water to her lips. The cold beverage going down her throat only does so much to make her feel better, her heart still beating too damn fast.

She didn’t even realize when she stopped being alone, two strong arms wrapping around her from behind. She jumps a little before looking behind her and seeing Blake smiling down at her.

“Where did you go?” He smiles, shaking her a little. “You didn’t hear me calling your name?”

She swallows softly, shaking her head. “Sorry, no I didn’t.”

“Dreaming about how amazing this tour is going to be?”

Blake’s smile is genuine and she will never understand how he manages to see her like this phenomenon; this person who she hasn’t been since her early thirties.

She chuckles bitterly. “More like dreaming about how much I’m in over my head here.”

She feels his arms around her tighten a bit as she watches him frown.

“What are you talking about?”

She shrugs. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been on tour, you know?”

“You’re Gwen Stefani though, does it really matter when the last time you toured was?”

She doesn’t mean to get annoyed with him, but she wiggles herself out of his arms and walks to the other side of the room, turning her back to him. The truth is, she’s embarrassed and she hates getting emotional about things other people just couldn’t possibly understand. She takes a deep breath, trying to push out all the negative thoughts and words she’s got swirling around in her head.

“It matters.” She whispers, just loud enough for Blake to hear. She’s not surprised to find Blake standing much closer to her again, yet his arms don’t reach out for her. “The music industry is such a fickle thing, and I haven’t put out an album in over a decade.”

“And look at how people responded to it, regardless.”

She turns around again, her eyes searching for his. She tries to convey she’s sorry about pushing him away without words, but he makes it clear immediately there’s no need for any of that. She smiles while walking back into his arms, her face resting against his chest.

“I’m scared.” She says softly, biting her lip.

His arms come back around her, resting on her lower back.

“I know you are. You have no reason to be, but I understand.”

She smiles. “Can you believe I’m going out on tour again, and you’re filming a show in LA most days?”

He laughs, the vibrations of it shaking his body. “I’m not shocked about you going on tour again, but I _definitely_ can’t wrap my head around the Voice.”

She looks up at him, her lips curved up. “But it’s amazing, isn’t it?”

He nods. “If you’re asking me if I regret saying yes to the show, I don’t.”

She didn’t mean to, but she can’t help but relax into his arms at the confirmation. She knows he never would’ve seriously considered the offer if he hadn’t met her, but she’d feel guilty for the rest of her days if he secretly hated the gig.

“People love you.”

He hums. “I think the majority thinks I’m a witty asshole.”

She presses herself closer against him, enjoying the way his broad figure feels so close against her much smaller frame. It’s crazy how just being close to him can make her feel so protected and safe in every way.

“Everyone loves you, Blake.” She repeats, looking up at him and making a come-hither motion with her index finger, indicating she wants a kiss. He complies quickly and she almost wants to sigh in disappointment when he pulls away. “You’re funny and charming and genuine, and people love it. It’s why you’re probably the most popular coach on there.”

He wiggles his eyebrows, a sly smirk on his lips. “Most popular coach, huh?”

She smacks his chest playfully. “Don’t get cocky.”

“It’s really way too late for that.”

She chuckles, loving how playful he always gets, and loving how he’s undoubtedly wrong. She doesn’t think she’s ever met anyone as selfless and grounded as Blake.

“Can we get out of here? I just want to spend some time with you at home?”

Blake’s features soften at her request, the playfulness suddenly forgotten.

“Yeah of course. Can you just get out of here or do you need to take care of some more business?”

She smiles at his thoughtfulness and willingness to sit at the sidelines and watch her do her thing. She leans up to place another chaste kiss on his lips before grabbing her purse and phone.

“Give me five more minutes.”

He winks at her sweetly.

“You know where to find me.”


	22. Chapter 22

“Congratulations, Gwen!”

Her manager is the first one to utter these words to her when she walks off stage, her brother following right after. It’s a crazy feeling to have gotten through the first five consecutive nights of touring. After a decade, this wasn’t something she ever thought she’d get back at, let alone have be successful.

She doesn’t have vocabulary wide enough to express her feelings, or her gratitude. All she knows is that her fans have been there from the very start, and still support her to this day. All she knows is that she got to share this amazing moment with her children, who are waiting for her backstage somewhere.

The first thing she sees when she gets back to the backstage area, is a very handsome cowboy hanging against the nearest wall. His eyes sparkle when he takes in her tired yet glowing appearance. She knows he must’ve been a little disappointed when he was whisked away from his amazing spot side stage, from where he watched every show so far, to babysit her boys. Her smile is bright when she walks into his arms.

“How amazing was that?” She whispers against his ear, her arms coming around his neck.

His hand rubs her lower back, his voice a low murmur in her ear.

“You were amazing, sweetheart. Nothing new there, but _damnit_ Gwen.”

She chuckles shyly. “I wish you got to see it all.”

“I have. Four times already and I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon.”

It’s a totally new feeling to have her significant other this excited about her projects; she can’t even remember the last time she had her ex-husband attend a show of hers.

“How are the kids?”

Now it’s his turn to chuckle. “They’re great. Apollo got a bit cranky at the end there, so I went backstage to hang out with him a bit. King and Zuma are busy with a game on their phone…please don’t ask me which one, because there’s no way a hick like me will be able to pronounce it.”

She laughs quietly against him, understanding the struggle of keeping up with her son’s ability to find a new game every other day.

“They’re with Zelva now?” She asks, pulling away from him just slightly, enough to look him in the eye, her teeth biting down on her lip by default.

“Both her and Lizzy, actually.” Blake responds, pulling her closer again by the hand on her back. “I just wanted two seconds alone with you before everyone else starts demanding your attention again.”

She searches for his hand, intertwining their fingers as she starts dragging him towards her dressing room. She knows she’ll get her much-needed alone time with Blake later tonight, but right now, she just needs to be around all her family and friends.

“I promise you’ll have my undivided attention later tonight.” She whispers before nudging him in the shoulder. “I’ll make it worth your while.”

She can hear him grunt next to her, the smile on her face a devilish one.

“You kill me woman.”

She laughs while tugging him with her, pushing the door to her dressing room open with her free hand.

“You love it.”

 

 

*

 

The rest of the evening had been hectic to say the least. It took at least a few hours for everyone’s excitement to die down, the party in her dressing room—though considerably calm because of her kid’s presence—lasted for quite a while. The amount of congratulations and cards she received left her mind spinning a bit. Blake had taken it upon himself to look after Apollo while she got the other two ready to go, when they decided it was time to head out. Jen and Todd met them at the tarmac where their plane was waiting for them.

It was still a bit of a weird idea to go back to Lake house, this time with _everyone_. It was such a full circle moment for her, and she’s sure she’ll get emotional about it at some point. When Blake had brought the idea up a few weeks ago, she nearly cried then. It was just so thoughtful, so him. Having the week off in between shows, and getting to spend them there, also was the biggest gift she could ask for. It’s not common for timing to work out that perfectly, and she’s beyond grateful Blake found a spot in their schedules to do this.

She’s also a little nervous about having Todd, Jen and the kids there. In some way, it had become their little safe-haven; a place that only she, the kids and Blake share together. It was weird letting other people in on that now too, even though they’d already spent a few days there before. They’ve never spent the night at Blake’s, not even her kids.

The plane takes off before she knows it, and she finds herself leaning against Blake’s shoulder, her eyes struggling to stay open.

“Tired, pretty girl?” He drawls lowly, a hint of a chuckle in his tone.

“Mhmmm.” She answers, the sound a mix between positive affirmation and a moan. “A little.”

“You should take your children’s example and get some rest.”

She looks to her side, where both Zuma and Kingston are out like a light. She’s not used to the sudden peace and quiet, and it hits her how truly tired they must be, for them to be asleep already. Apollo is sound asleep too, as he demanded to be seated across from Blake.

“I can’t believe we’re all going back again.” She says softly, her lips turned into a small smile.

Blake’s eyes find hers as he locks their gaze, his hand cupping her cheek.

“It’s been too long.”

She nods. “I miss it every day.”

“Can you believe we’ve never been back here with the whole group since we officially got together?”

She shakes her head, leaning into the palm of his hand. “We’ve talked about it a bunch though.”

Blake chuckles. “I guess with our line of work, talking about it is the best we can do sometimes.”

“We’re gonna come back here so many times. You do know that, right?”

The twinkle in his eyes gives the answer away before he verbalizes it.

“Yeah I do.”

“It’s gonna be weird not to have our own rental next door anymore.”

His smile is a wide one, his thumb softly stroking over her bottom lip.

“I’m much happier about you not living next doors anymore, to be honest.” He replies lowly, giving her a goofy smile for good measure. “I would _definitely_ call this an upgrade.”

She loves how being with Blake makes things so easy now; her nerves about her family staying at his place evaporating with every word he speaks to her, his attitude leaving no room for doubts or anxiety. Instead, she leans up to catch his lips, kissing him briefly.

“I love you.”

When he says the words back, her head is already placed on his shoulder, her eyes squeezing shut when the words leave his mouth. It’s been a while since she’s felt this content. Between his admission of love for her and the tiredness of the show finally kicking her ass, she lets herself enjoy two more hours of sleep as well.

 

*

 

“Can we still go see our rooms?” Zuma asks innocently, the whole having lived next door thing really proving to be confusing for them.

Gwen shakes her head softly, her arm tugging Zuma against her waist.

“No we can’t, honey. If you ask nicely though, I think Blake could show you the room he has for you guys here.”

Zuma’s eyes widen suddenly. “We have a room here?”

“Unless you don’t want it.” The Southern voice cuts in from behind them, causing Zuma to let go of her immediately and turn his attention fully to Blake.

“We want it.” Her middle child exclaims excitedly, walking a bit closer to where Blake’s standing. “Does it have any deer heads? I’m kinda freaked out by those.”

Gwen chuckles, smiling when Blake pretends to be shocked.

“But no buddy, no dear heads.”

“Can we go see it now?”

Gwen nods at Blake, giving him the go-ahead, and it’s less than ten seconds before they’re disappearing out of view. From the corner of her eye, she can see Blake gesture for Kingston too, Apollo already out like a light. She smiles at the sight of her two oldest children walking upstairs with Blake, emotion settling in her throat when she realizes how strong of a bond they all have with him. It’s like her most persistent fear got whisked away from her the quickest; the relationship between Blake and her kids has been incredibly strong from the beginning, way before theirs ever was.

Lost in thought, she doesn’t recognize the moment her brother comes to stand next to her.

“He’s really great with them.”

His voice is what makes her look to her right for a moment as they lock eyes, her gaze lifting back in front of her while she smiles.

“He is.”

“Plus he managed to get our children to go to bed without protest. It’s a little frightening, really.”

She looks back at her brother, her smile now nearly splitting her face.

“I don’t even know how I got this lucky, to be honest.”

It’s the truth. It took her a while to see it, but Blake had truly been the thing she’s waited for all her life. The things that started to make sense when he came into her life, the feelings he’d awakened within her, the void he filled not only in her life, but also her children’s...

“It’s what you deserve, sis.” Todd nudges her, smiling softly. “You’ve been through a lot. I’m glad you finally have someone who takes care of you, and the kids.”

She bites her lip, feeling tears collect in her eyes. “Thank you for being here, too. It means a lot to us, knowing you guys support this.”

“He’s a good guy.”

She nods. “The best.”

Ten minutes later, Blake’s back downstairs, making a bee-line for her and her brother. It’s not just her kids who have formed an immense liking to him—Todd and Blake have hit it off like they’ve known each other for years, as well.

“I think the kids are waiting for you upstairs.” He speaks to Gwen, his hand briefly reaching out for hers. It’s insane how every little touch he insinuates literally leaves her aching for more. She reluctantly pulls herself away from him, smiling at both Blake and her brother.

“Yeah, they’re exhausted. I’ll be right back.”

She excuses herself quickly, taking advantage of the fact that it will be easy this time to get her children tucked in and into bed. By the time she’s back downstairs, her brother and Jen are heading to upstairs.

“Did I miss all the fun?” Gwen asks with a little pout, looking up at Todd and Jen as they approach the stairs.

“Are you kidding, fun starts tomorrow.” Todd replies with a smile, engulfing her in a hug. “We’re dead tired, and Blake promised to take us fishing tomorrow bright and early, so…”

Her brow raises. “He did?”

Jen nods. “After Todd basically left him no choice.”

“ _Ah_ , now that I believe.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Todd laughs. “Good night, Gwen.”

“Good night.”

She walks down the rest of the stairs, seeing Blake clearing the coffee table that consist of two empty beer bottles that must’ve belonged to him and her brother. She walks up to him in the kitchen, sliding her hands around his waist from behind.

“Do I finally have you all to myself?” She whispers, biting her lip in anticipation.

Blake takes his time, playfully considering her question.

“It does seem like it, doesn’t it?”

She motions for him to turn around, smiling when he obeys her. His arms come around her lower back, one of his hands sliding over the curve of her ass.

“We’re here.” She says giddily, using the girly tone she knows he finds endearing.

He chuckles. “We are, darling.”

“Thank you.”

He frowns softly, lowering his head while looking her in the eyes. “For what?”

“For everything.” She answers quickly, leaning up on the tip of her toes. “For bringing us here, for being so patient with me, for making this moment possible for us.”

“Darling…” He shakes his head, his hand on her backside now squeezing gently. “You’re giving me way too much credit here.”

She shakes her head, feeling herself get emotional.

“Not really, though.” She whispers. “I made things really hard for us in the beginning, Blake. I still do sometimes. I know that.”

“You are amazing.” He retorts.

“I get scared and anxious sometimes. I’ve fought against this thing for a while, but I just want you to know how thankful I am.”

“You know what?” He starts, letting his voice trail off as he whisks away a stray tear from her face. “I sometimes think about where I would’ve been by now if you hadn’t moved into the House next door, last summer.”

She’s not surprised to find herself in tears already, she kind of predicted this would happen right after she got off stage tonight, and she also knows that whatever Blake is about to say next, won’t make her any less emotional.

“I probably would still be getting black-out drunk every night. Have meaningless relationships with people, maybe even pretend to be a bit of an ass…”

Gwen chuckles when he looks at her knowingly.

“Maybe just a little bit.” She chimes in.

“I know.” He laughs. “Honestly, you helped me find myself again, Gwen. It sounds dramatic and cliché, but it’s the truth. I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for you.”

She holds on to him just a little tighter in that moment, knowing that they both need it. Gwen’s arms around Blake’s neck urge for his head to lower a bit, and he complies as easily as she expected him to.

She’s also fully prepared when he skims his hands down her sides, her lips already parting beneath the pressure of his mouth, before he ever leans in. When he does, he lifts her off her feet, humming in gratitude when her legs immediately curl around his waist.

“I need you.” He whispers lowly, running his lips along her jaw.

She nuzzles his cheek, a soft noise of desire slipping past her lips at the trail of his hands already making their way beneath her shirt.

“You have me.” She breathes, pushing at his chest and indicating she should walk upstairs instead of having him carry her. It’s easy to get carried away with him, but she doesn’t want to take the risk with both her brother and kids sleeping in the same house.

He basically chases her upstairs, moving his hand over her mouth when she starts giggling.

“Shhh, you’re gonna wake everyone up.” He laughs under his breath, pushing her towards the bed while pushing the door shut with his foot.

She raises her brow, smirking. “Already? You haven’t even touched me yet.”

His walk towards her could only be described as determined and slightly cocky, his hand grabbing her waist before using it to push her back on the matrass. She gasps at the unexpected harsh moves, the anticipation settling low in her stomach.

“You’re right.” He murmurs lowly, getting rid of his shirt and jeans in the process. His body crawls on top of her quickly, spreading her legs enough for him to come between them. He takes a long time to disregard her clothing, until her body is basically begging for him to touch her. “I’m slightly worried, Gwen; you can’t make too many sounds this time.”

She groans at his words, her hips bucking up at him. Left in only her underwear, she tries to gain some friction against him, but he restricts her movements just enough for that to be impossible. His hand reaches for the side of her face, urging her lips against his.

“Blake.” She whispers in between kisses, her whole body erupting in goosebumps. “Don’t tease.”

Blake took entirely too long and the grin on his face shows her he knows it. The feeling of his body pressing hers down onto the matrass has her arousal spiking even further, missing the moment completely when he finally decides to enter her with one deep stroke. Her hands fly to the back of his head, her lips parting on a loud gasp.

“Shhh baby.” He whispers against her ear, bottoming out before thrusting back in. Her whole body feels like it’s on fire, being overwhelmed by pleasure, as she tries to keep it inwards as best as possible.

“Oh my god.” Her voice is low and raspy sound, her head thrown back on the pillow.

The thing about Blake is that his passion is always consistent. Whether they do this slow or fast, he always makes sure to do it with the utmost intensity. She loves it, even though she rarely stands a chance against the blinding pleasure he ignites.

“Is this what you want, baby?” He breathes against her skin, his lips tracing her cheekbone. “Does this feel good?”

His intense rhythm paired with the sound of his voice has her gasping for air, unable to use her mouth for anything else. His kisses only distract her so much, and she knows it won’t be long before she’ll come undone.

“ _Oh my—_ ” Blake’s mouth is on hers before the rest could make it out, effectively muffling her sounds. His extra deep thrusts leave her unable to be quiet, her voice involuntarily picking up volume.

“You’re gonna make them hear us.” Blake says lowly, speaking the words right there against her lips. “You don’t want that, do you?”

She shakes her head, her hand at the nape of his neck gripping him tightly.

“Next time, when we’re alone, I promise I’ll let you be as loud as you want to.” He continues against her lips, chuckling when she bucks at him desperately. “As many times as you want, _wherever_ you want.”

The image of Blake’s words coming alive in her brain is what does it, her body convulsing as she tightens around him. She’s grateful for his mouth to cover hers again, kissing her through her orgasm. His hips don’t stop driving into her, her nails digging into the soft flesh of his back. The little edge of pain is what proves to be his tipping point, the stutter of his hips and groan against her ear indicating his own release.

Her body is exhausted, utterly spent, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. Blake seems to catch on to her sudden fatigue, ushering them both underneath the covers and using his arm to pull her into him. She tugs her own arm around his stomach, her forehead tucked underneath his chin.

“I’m so tired, but like, in the best way.”

His hand tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers skimming down the shell of her ear.

“You’ve had one hell of a night.”

“I don’t know what exhausted me more; the show or _you_.”

Blake chuckles. “I’m just trying to help you sleep, darling.”

“The most gorgeous sleep you give me.” She murmurs softly, feeling her eyelids get heavy.

His hand is now placed on her lower back, stroking gently.

“It feels so good to have you back here.”

She bites her lip, nodding. “I actually get to be here for the whole week, wow.”

“Totally worth the wait.” He tells her quietly, with a confidence that tells her arguing him about it would be futile—not that she even wants to.

“Todd and Jen are so excited to be here, too. And the kids—oh my god, they haven’t been able to talk about anything else for the past two weeks. Life is just so good right now; _you_ are so good.”

“I feel the same way, darling.” He answers gruffly, his voice thick with emotion as he speaks against her hair, his hand stroking a calming pattern along the length of her spine.

“If I could I would stay here forever.” She murmurs softly, biting her lip as she lets herself dream just for a moment, what it would be like to never have to leave this place again.

“Works for me.” He says, sincerity clear in his every word.

It’s like suddenly everything she’s been struggling with for the last few years of her life becomes clear, clear as the sky and the lake stretching endlessly before them. Maybe it was never about a place at all, maybe having Blake by her side was all she ever needed, all along.

“Welcome home, Gwen.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another story finished. Wow, thank you so much to everyone who read this body of work, and a special thanks to everyone who took the time to comment as well. This story got such a positive response from the very start and I'm super grateful. A simple thank you won't even begin to cover it..
> 
> And yet, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU


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